Memories of Me

by Dani Hart

  “Team slut?” I asked.

  “Yep, and now she’s your problem.” Steven laughed.

  “Great,” I grumbled.

  “What are you sissies doing? Kick the damn ball,” Coach Reynolds shouted.

  Practice was tough, and not because I had drunk too much. I hadn’t conditioned since senior year, and I felt it in every muscle of my body from yesterday’s practice. Coach yelled at me throughout practice, and the guys gave me shit. I was really going to need to step up my game.

  After practice, Lucas caught up with me as I headed back to my apartment.

  “You’ve left quite an impression on Casen.”

  I glared over my shoulder. “Are you going to give me shit about your girlfriend? Sorry I threw the cigarette at her, but she shouldn’t have thrown it on the ground.”

  He stopped walking. “You did what?”

  Shit. I shook my head and kept walking.

  “Be a dick to whatever girls you want, but not my girl, man,” he yelled after me.

  I raised my hand in acknowledgement and then picked up my pace to a jog. My legs were throbbing when I made it back to the apartment. I tossed down some ibuprofen and made a mental note to buy some muscle patches. I scrolled through my emails on my phone and then Baylor’s name popped up as an incoming call. I promised I would call when I got here, but I didn’t. I thought about answering her call, but I declined it and texted her I was good and thank you instead. I ignored her reply and threw my phone onto the couch next to me. I needed to get her out of my head.

  I was just falling asleep on the couch when a knock on the door woke me. Groaning, I stumbled to the door. Casen was standing outside with a light bulb in her hand.

  “What do you want?” I asked.

  “Can you change my light bulb? I’m not tall enough, and Lucas isn’t answering his phone. It’s in my bathroom, otherwise I would have waited.”

  I was ready to say something rude, but I thought about Lucas’ request and I sighed instead, taking the light bulb from her and heading into her apartment. It was the same one-bedroom as mine, so I headed straight to the bathroom. I reached up, unscrewing the burnt bulb and putting in the new one.

  “That’s a nasty scar you got there,” she said from the doorway.

  My shirt had inched up when I was changing the bulb. I shifted uncomfortably as I pulled it down and then walked back through her apartment without a word.

  “Hey,” she called out.

  When I faced her, she adorned a soft apologetic expression. I had been here for less than forty-eight hours and was already getting pitied looks.

  “Don’t do that,” I said evenly.

  “Do what?” she asked defensively.

  “Don’t look at me like that. Ever,” I warned and then slammed her door. Instead of going back to my apartment, I went for a run. I doubt that was what Lucas had in mind.

  Tina was sitting on the stairs when I got back.

  “Hey.” She smiled sweetly.

  “What do you want?” I rolled my eyes and walked past her with the bag of muscle patches I grabbed at the store on the way back.

  She jumped up and followed me. “I’m sorry I lost it this morning.”

  I sucked in a guilty breath and then turned to her. “Look, I’m sure you’re a nice girl, but I’m not interested. Not in a girlfriend, or another hookup.”

  Her face dropped. “Oh, okay.”

  Dammit. I didn’t owe anybody anything, but I felt bad. “My girlfriend died last year and I’m here for soccer. And that’s it. I’m sorry.”

  Her eyes popped up, and she stared at me with that look of pity I had become uncomfortably familiar with, but I think it was enough to get her to leave me alone.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “No one does, so are we good here?” My head was pounding again.

  “Yeah, okay. You know where to find me.”

  “Yep, sure thing. Thanks.”

  She spun slowly and walked away. I let out a huge sigh of relief. Before I closed the door, I caught Casen peeking out her door. She closed it quickly after our eyes met briefly. I shut my door, wondering if everyone was this nosy around here.

  My phone rang again, and when I turned it over, I saw I had six missed calls from Baylor and Brandt. My heart sped up as I called back Brandt. A sick feeling rushed through me. Brandt answered on the second ring.

  “Hey, man, what’s up? Is everything okay?” He had called to make sure everything was okay because Baylor was freaking out that I wasn’t answering her calls. “No, man, I’m fine. Just getting settled in, you know?” After appeasing him for a few minutes, we hung up. He said Baylor was doing well, but was struggling being away from me. It wasn’t fair to hear that. It wasn’t fair that she was struggling. She had my brother. And she was having a baby with him.

  I was struggling.

  I hopped in the shower, turning the heat up as hot as my skin would tolerate, and tried to scrub away the last five years of my life. I missed the hell out of Tessa, but I couldn’t move on if I let her ease into my thoughts all the time. And I needed to move on. It will be a year next month since the accident. A year was a respectable amount to grieve. It had to be.

  My eyes dropped to the large gash across my side. The scar was still raised, but the pink had faded, settling into the permanence of white. It would be a constant reminder of that day. The day I held the only woman I could ever see myself loving in my arms and rocked her lifeless body until I went numb with pain and blind with rage. It consumed me still, and I knew if I didn’t leave my old life I would lose the only two people left who loved me. I could make enemies here and not give a shit. Let Tina think I’m a prick. Let Casen think I’m the world’s biggest jerk. I didn’t care, because I was here for me and only me.

  Soccer Politics

  THE NICE THING about a university versus a community college—the students weren’t just party kids. In my history class, there were a handful of middle-aged people and several seniors. A majority were my age and then there were some younger. It made it easier to just blend in

  “Grady, my man. What’s up?” Steven stood above me with his hand out.

  He was followed by a few other teammates, and looking around the lecture hall we had become the center of attention. So much for anonymity.

  “What’s up?” I took his hand and tipped my head to the other guys. I stood up so they could shuffle by.

  Steven sat next to me, leaning over, and said, “See all that?”

  He was referring to the many sets of female eyes watching us and giggling. I rolled my eyes.

  “That’s all yours for the taking. Stay away from Tina, though. She’ll kill your game.” He smacked my chest.

  “Yeah, I figured that out already.”

  “Did you get rid of her?” Steven inquired as he waved at a group of girls. They waved back and giggled louder.

  “Yeah, we came to an understanding.”

  “Good.”

  Steven was a junior. There were only a couple of sophomores on the team, and I was the only freshman.

  Casen sneaked in just as the lecture started. She searched the room and smiled awkwardly when her eyes landed on me. The aisle seat next to me was still open, so she plopped down in it.

  “Did I miss much?” she whispered.

  “No,” I responded simply. She took out her notebook and a pen and then absentmindedly started to twirl her dark hair around her finger.

  My muscles tightened and my pencil snapped in my hand. Casen’s eyes darted to me as the crack echoed around us. Her brows scrunched together curiously and she dropped her twirling hand to the desk.

  “Are you okay?” She stared at the broken pencil in my hand.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.” I threw the broken pieces into my backpack and pulled out a pen, ducking my head for the rest of class. My head pounded for the first half of the lecture, making it impossible to hear the instructor. By the end of class, I hadn’t written anything down. I glanced
over to Casen’s notebook and the page was covered in blue ink.

  She packed up her bag and stood up, getting ready to leave.

  I called after her, “Hey.” She glanced back, waiting for me to speak again. “Can I borrow your notes?”

  She looked at me strangely and then replied, “Just come over tonight and you can copy them.”

  “Fine,” I agreed. I was hoping she would just let me borrow her notebook. Now I had to sit with her, which meant conversation, and after what she overheard yesterday, I was afraid what she would want to talk about.

  She frowned. “You’re welcome.” She shook her head as she disappeared out the door.

  Steven hit my shoulder. “Good one, Reilly. Trust me when I say you don’t want to get on Lucas’ girlfriend’s bad side. Just be cool.”

  I forgot about all the bullshit politics that followed sports, and since I was the new guy, I needed to play the politics better than anyone else. I had ruled at High Pointe High from freshman year because of Brandt, but I wasn’t following in his legacy here. I was making my own.

  “Thanks for the advice.”

  I headed to the cafeteria for lunch when I spotted Lucas and Casen across the quad. They looked like they were arguing, and when Casen turned my way with tears in her eyes, I knew it was more than a couples’ quarrel. She looked broken. She didn’t seem to notice me as she pushed Lucas and raced toward the apartments. Lucas raked his hand through his head and then kicked a nearby tree. His anger flared, which only meant he had hurt himself. He hobbled slightly in the opposite direction of Casen. I didn’t miss the drama, but it reminded me of the fights Tessa and I had. The things she did were infuriating, and I wasn’t the best at hiding my temper. I had punched a hole in a wall at school when I caught her flirting with a loser to get weed. Tessa made my blood boil on more than one occasion, but damn if she didn’t make me feel alive. I wondered if I would ever feel like that again as I continued to the cafeteria.

  After English Lit, I headed to the field to run the track before practice. Some of the guys were doing the same thing, including Lucas. His foot seemed to be better, although I could tell he was favoring it a bit. I pulled alongside of him.

  “Hey, man,” he grumbled.

  “You’re in a good mood,” I responded.

  “Fight with the girlfriend.”

  “That’ll do it.”

  We ran silently for a moment and then he stopped. My initial instinct was to keep running with the pack, but I didn’t. I went back to him.

  “You okay?” I inquired. He was crouching down.

  “I hurt my foot. Must be worse than I thought.” His face was dark red as he stood back up.

  “Need help back?”

  “I messed up, man. I cheated on Casen.”

  I held back the urge to catch up with the guys. I wasn’t a damn therapist, and I certainly didn’t want to get in the middle of this. I’d had enough of my own drama.

  “It was stupid, but she’s been so damn difficult lately. And I was wasted.”

  I looked ahead where the team was stretching, getting ready for practice, still tempted to keep my mouth shut. I didn’t even know this guy and my few run-ins with Casen weren’t pleasant.

  “Have you ever messed up?” he asked as he started limping toward the team.

  “Yeah, man. Who hasn’t? Although I’ve never cheated,” I added nonchalantly, only half in the conversation. The other half was distracted by Casen who was marching toward us with fists flaring. What the hell did I get myself into?

  Lucas didn’t even see her coming as her fist made contact with his cheek and he stumbled backward. I stifled a chuckle while admiring her form. The chick had fighting skills.

  “You asshole!” she yelled as she kneed him in the gut. He went down without a fight. When she went in for another kick, I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her out of range.

  “Let me go,” she screeched as she fought against my hold, her nails digging into my arms.

  “Not until you calm down,” I whispered into her ear like I had done so many times with Tessa. Somehow the sound of my voice, calm and even, had always settled her rages. And there were a lot of them. It seemed to work for Casen, too, because she stopped fighting me.

  “I’m fine, all right? See?” She held up her limp arms.

  I dropped my arms and she immediately launched at Lucas, knocking him back to the ground and spitting on him as she stormed off the field. The team had gathered for the show, holding back gasps and pointing fingers.

  “Dude, your girlfriend just kicked your ass,” Steven hollered.

  Shaking my head at the situation, I held my hand out for Lucas and helped him to his feet. “She really did kick your ass.” His nose was bleeding, his cheek was marked, and he was limping.

  “I guess I deserved it,” he mumbled. “Thanks.”

  Lucas nursed his wounds on the sidelines of practice while getting an ear full from Coach. As I ran through skills drills, I remembered the multiple fights I had to break up between Tessa and whoever had pissed her off. She was a free spirit with a mean right hook.

  I headed home after practice. I had another three missed calls from Baylor. I hated avoiding her, but I needed space. That was what I was telling myself, at least.

  “You look like I kicked your ass instead of my boyfriend’s. Ex-boyfriend.”

  Casen was leaning over the railing, smoking a cigarette, when I got home. She looked hot in short cut-offs and a tight white tank top with a large middle finger printed on it.

  “Nice shirt.” I gave her a small smile as I unlocked my door.

  “Like it? I just painted it. Thought it was fitting.”

  “You designed that?”

  She put out her cigarette on the ground and was about to flick it into the planter below when she glanced to me and thought twice. I watched the rhythmic sway of her hips as she sauntered barefoot to the outdoor trash can and tossed the butt in.

  When she spun back around, she gave me a wicked look that made me smile. Not just a smile I flashed to make others comfortable. It was a real smile that made me feel just a little lighter for a second.

  “He smiles! It’s a miracle,” she announced dramatically as she raised her hands in the air, looking to the sky. Her long dark hair cascaded around her as she shook her head, and when her eyes met mine again, I raked my hand through my hair nervously. It was brief, but I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a very long time, but it was gone now, and the exhaustion was settling into my sore muscles.

  “Anyway, goodnight.”

  “Still need my notes?”

  She stood casually with her hands on her hips and one leg popped out, looking like she didn’t have a care in the world. Much like Tessa.

  “Oh, yeah. Ummm, can I come by in a little bit? I need to shower.” I forgot about the notes. I was breaking a hundred guy codes going to her apartment alone, but whatever. I wasn’t interested in her like that, and I didn’t owe anyone anything. Screw rules.

  “Just walk in. See you in a bit.” She bounced into her apartment and closed the door.

  I dropped my soccer bag onto the floor and headed for the fridge, grabbing a beer on the way to the shower. Baylor’s name flashed on my phone again. A second later, a text popped up, begging me to call her and that she missed and loved me. Like a brother. I downed the beer, ignoring my phone, and hopped in the shower.

  An hour later, after showering and eating some Top Ramen, I stood out front of Casen’s door with my notebook in hand. She said to just walk in, but I didn’t feel comfortable with that, so I knocked once. I heard her shout to come in through the door. She was sitting on the couch, still wearing the middle finger shirt, bending over some sketchbooks on the coffee table in front of her.

  “You didn’t have to knock.” She didn’t look up.

  I didn’t know how to respond.

  “Dude, relax. My notes are on the kitchen table.”

  “Thanks.” I sat down at the table and opened
my notebook. Casen chewed on the end of a pencil while she stared at her sketchbook.

  “What are you working on?”

  She pulled the pencil out of her mouth and tossed it on the table. “Nothing, apparently,” she said as she threw herself back on the couch.

  “Uh-huh.” I copied some of the notes.

  “Lucas is such an ass. Did he tell you what he did?” She rolled her head my way.

  “It’s none of my business.” I looked back to the notes.

  “So he did tell you. I bet the whole team knows. Probably the whole school. I don’t even know why I care so much. He was a player before we met, and somehow he had me convinced he could change. That he wanted to change. For me.” She scoffed. “Such a fucking joke.”

  My stomach knotted as she twisted her hair around her finger again.

  “Are you siding with him? Is that why you won’t say anything?” She sat up, shooting me an accusing glare.

  “Look, I get you’re upset, but I just got into town three days ago. I don’t know you or Lucas or anyone for that matter, so, no, I’m not taking sides, but I’m also not listening. I’m just here to play soccer and do my thing.”

  Her eyes saddened and then she stood up and stomped over to me. I wasn’t sure if I needed to protect my face or my balls.

  “I see through this, you know?” She waved over me. “You act like a total jerk, but you’re not.”

  I sighed, jotting down the rest of the notes quickly, so I could get the hell out of here.

  She tapped her foot impatiently and then dropped her crossed arms in defeat. “I’m designing T-shirts,” she answered my question from earlier.

  “Cool. For a class?”

  “No. For my dance studio. But the only thing I have been inspired to design is this,” she pointed to her stomach, “and I don’t think that’s the image they are going for.”

  I laughed. “No, probably not.”

  “So I’m pissed at Lucas for cheating, but I’m more pissed that I can’t do my job, because all I can think about is killing him.” She threw herself back on the couch.

  I closed my notebook and walked over to her. “May I?”

  She scrunched her eyes suspiciously and then handed me one of the books. The first sketch was the shirt she was wearing now. I flipped through and there were several versions of the same shirt. All with something uniquely different. Her art was on point and the details were flawless. “I’m sensing a theme here.” I smiled.