Some of them were worried for me, too, I guess.
I hadn't really had anyone phrase it to me quite like this before, though. Even Wreg, when I talked to him about it, hadn't gone into specifics regarding his opinion of Ditrini. He'd gotten pretty quiet while I described how the tat happened...uncharacteristically quiet, now that I thought about it. He'd seemed disturbed, yes, but at the time, I just figured I'd embarrassed him, telling him all that personal stuff.
He had tried to convince me to tell Revik about it, though.
"Allie," Revik said.
When I looked up, I saw him hesitating, studying my eyes, his own cautious.
"Allie," he repeated. "I'm not angry...I'm sorry if I sounded like I was. I'm sorry if anything I said sounded like an accusation. It wasn't. It really, really wasn't...I just don't like this. I don't like any of this, and I think you need to take it more seriously..."
Nodding, I didn't answer, but found myself turning over his words.
Honestly, I'd just hoped I wouldn't ever have to think about Ditrini again. Leaving the Forbidden City had meant leaving him behind, too, and I'd told myself I wouldn't waste another breath on him or his stupid power trips.
I let Revik pull me back into his arms when he reached for me again.
My body softened when I leaned up against him, more so when he caressed my face with his hands, pushing the hair out of my eyes. I felt warmth on him again, love, but that fear still whispered around the edges of his light, darkening the rest of what I could see. I was studying his eyes, trying to read past the determined, almost angry look I still saw there...even as I realized I already knew what it meant. I continued watching his face as he pulled me closer, caressing my neck, pushing back my wet hair to kiss my face. He leaned down to kiss my mouth, but I tightened my hold on his arms, shaking him a little.
"Revik," I said. "Whatever you're planning on doing...don't. Please, just don't. I'm asking you. I don't want you making yourself even more of a target. He's not worth it. And anyway, a lot of the other Lao Hu were pretty pissed off at what he did. Everyone was really nice to me after they saw your symbol on my back. I'd rather have them think twice before putting a bead on your head the next time we're in public..."
"They didn't intervene," Revik said.
"Actually, a few of them did," I shot back. "I even saw another senior infiltrator chew him out for marking me...saying it was a sacrilege and on and on. That the gods would punish him. If anything, him being such a lunatic probably helped us..."
"I don't think we can afford to wait for the gods, Allie."
"He's not going to come after me!"
"Jesus, Alyson!" He gripped my arms tighter. "Yes...he will!"
When I stared up at him, he averted his gaze, his eyes hard.
"Revik..."
He released his hold on me before I could finish. Clicking again, he closed his eyes longer than a blink. When he opened them, he reached for the shampoo bottle, almost as if to distract himself. Thumbing open the top, he poured some of the clear liquid in his hand. I watched as he rubbed it into his scalp and hair, using the excess lather on the front of his body. It was distracting, watching him do that, but my eyes kept returning warily to his face, waiting for him to finish. When he caught my expression, he shook his head, clicking. Motioning for me to turn around, he poured more shampoo into his hand and began massaging it into my hair, using his fingers to rub my scalp and temples.
"I love you, Allie," he said.
I sighed, feeling my shoulders abruptly unclench. "I know. I know you do."
"I also know what I'm doing with this kind of thing," he said. "I may be young, but I've been running military and security operations since I was in my thirties. I'm not saying I'm always right, but I have experience with this kind of thing..."
I nodded again, thinking about his words. "I know that, too."
"Then you have to let me do my job sometimes, Alyson. You have to trust me to make these kinds of decisions...and not assume I'm just overreacting...or taking things overly personally. Otherwise, there's no point in me being in charge at all..."
I didn't answer him at first, but turned over his words. Despite being distracted again by the motion of his palms and fingers, I felt myself stiffening, fighting not to react to what he'd said, or take it as a threat. He was right. I knew he was right. We'd already talked about who was ultimately in charge in the different areas, and this one was his. Unless the decision in question pertained to something I just couldn't live with...or someone I was personally close to...it was Revik's call. Killing Ditrini didn't really fall into the category of something I couldn't live with, as much as I hated to admit it. He certainly wasn't someone I cared about.
I kept my voice neutral when I spoke.
"You think Surli's here to warn me about Ditrini?" I said. Turning it over as I said it, it wasn't entirely devoid of logic. "Christ. I hope not."
"I don't know why that other infiltrator is here...but if he's planning on warning you about something to do with the Lao Hu, it could easily be Ditrini. Balidor was going to see if he could confirm a connection, which is why he reacted when you told him to take a nap..." He smiled, but it didn't touch his eyes when he added, "I suspected Ditrini might have some personal issue with you, just from the digs Raven threw my way. I just didn't know how serious..."
"I'm sorry about that," I winced. "About Raven."
He shrugged, his voice neutral once more.
"Not your fault," he said. "Anyway, it's not only my decision. I talked to Wreg after I did some research on his name when I couldn't sleep. Wreg agrees with me...he was pretty emphatic about it, actually, probably because he already knew about the tattoo and the beatings and whatever else you told him..." He massaged more of the shampoo into the ends of my hair and grunted softly, even as I felt a coil of pain from his light and realized he was looking at me. "I could tell he knew something," he added, his voice gruffer. "...Wreg. He didn't say anything about having talked to you, and he managed to keep it from his light. But he said right off that he'd already been thinking we might need to take Ditrini out. He positively jumped at the opportunity when I mentioned it..."
"But of course Wreg would jump at that," I said. Turning, I watched as Revik leaned backwards to rinse out his hair under the stream. He was still wiping soap from his eyes when he motioned for me to follow him into the water. "...He hates the Lao Hu," I pointed out, passing through one of the side jets as I moved towards him. "He's going to like any plan that involves you killing one of them. That part's not about Ditrini...or me."
Revik grunted. "I'm not so sure about that."
"Well, I am..."
"Balidor agrees with me too, Allie."
I stopped where I'd been about to speak again, unable to hide my surprise. My eyes jerked up from where I'd been looking at him, pretty much involuntarily at that point. I could feel pain trying to force its way to the surface of my aleimi, but shoved it back.
"Really?" I said. Shrugging, I cupped my hands under the shower stream. "So Balidor thinks it's okay for you to be ordering hits now?"
Revik stared down at me, his voice a frown. "Jesus, Allie...Balidor thinks he's unstable. He agrees that Ditrini's a risk to us, one we should probably eliminate. I'm not just using it as an excuse...I trust his opinion. He's old enough to have worked with him before..." Hesitating as he thought for another minute, he grunted. "...Although I'm not going to lie. I want to kill the son of a bitch...I'd do it personally if it was remotely practical for me to do so..."
"Revik..."
"Come here, Allie." His voice was gruff again, but he kept his eyes on mine.
When I walked towards him, he turned me around again with his hands, his fingers clutching me tighter that time. Pulling me the rest of the way under the shower head, he started rinsing out my hair, even as I lifted the cake of soap off the tile alcove in the wall again, sudsing myself up without thinking. His hands stopped moving not long after I started. I finished washing off an
d rinsing the last of the shampoo from my hair before I glanced back.
"You know," I said. "I was going to do this to you, you know...give you a shower. Not the other way around. You always seem to find some way to subvert my plans to spoil you..."
At his silence, I turned, pausing at the taut look on his face.
"What?" I said. "I'm still not agreeing with you, Revik..."
"I don't want to talk about this any more," he said.
"Revik..."
"...I just mean right now," he clarified, his eyes flickering off my body and up to my face. "Not now, Allie. Can we talk about it again when we get up?"
Thinking about that, I nodded more slowly.
Stepping closer to me, he gripped my wet hair in his fingers, lowering his mouth. He kissed me hard, the contact flaring a kind of urgency in his light as he moved closer. He didn't stop until I couldn't breathe, until I was clutching at his arms, leaning against him...then he raised his head long enough for me to finish rinsing my body and hair. Once both of us were soap-free, he shut the water off, twisting the porcelain, four-pronged handles with one hand. He still hadn't spoken when he jerked open the shower door, pulling me with him out of the enclosed tile space. Once I was on the other side, standing on the thick, dark green bath mat, he leaned down to grab me around the waist, hoisting me up to his shoulder in a fireman's carry.
He did it fast enough that I let out a yelp of surprise.
"I want to go to bed," he said, gruff. "It's that, or I'm going to try and fuck you on the floor, Allie..."
"Jesus." I burst out in a laugh. "Can I have a towel at least?"
"No," he said.
He grabbed one off the rack anyway, using the same hand to open the second door, the one that led to the bedroom instead of back into the living room area. That thread of urgency wound through my light from his, until I was clutching his back and arm where he had me slung over his shoulder. By the time he got me inside the bedroom, his light was darting through mine in electric jerks, making it hard to breathe again. I barely got a chance to glance around the bedroom before he tossed me down on the bed. I laughed at that, too, but not for long, since he immediately climbed on top of me. His hands pinned my wrists to either side of my face. For a long moment, he only looked at me, his eyes holding that intensity I recognized. It felt like it had been a long time since I'd seen him look at me like that...long enough that my skin flushed under his stare. Eventually, he released my wrists.
"Maybe we shouldn't," he said after another pause.
I laughed, smiling at him as I slung my arms around his neck. "You're fickle."
He smiled back, but that intensity didn't leave his eyes. "...Or tired," he said. Hesitating for a longer beat, he added, "...Or maybe not sure I can deal with the emotional fallout right now." He hesitated again, still watching my eyes. "I don't want to fuck. I want to make love, Allie...I'm just not sure I'm up to it right now. Not after everything else..."
Pain shimmered off his light, enough that I closed my eyes again. Opening them, I wound my arms further around his neck, tugging at his hair. Even so, I knew what he meant. He meant after the talk about Ditrini. Thinking about that, I couldn't exactly blame him.
"Then let's not," I said. "Let me give you a back rub...like I wanted."
He shook his head. "I'm not sure I can handle that, either."
"Then why don't you just go to sleep?" I suggested. "I'll stay with you. I'll stay until you wake up if you want."
When I caressed his hair with my free hand, he leaned into my fingers, closing his eyes.
"Gods, Alyson..." He glanced down at our bodies, as if indecisive. "It didn't exactly help, you know, watching you in the shower..."
"Can you sleep?" I said. "I can help you with that, if –– "
"No more helping," he said, giving me a disbelieving look. "Jesus, Alyson."
"I didn't mean that," I said defensively, feeling my face warm. "I meant with my light...I meant I can probably help you calm down...non-sexually, I mean."
"No." He shook his head, exhaling. "No. If you start messing with my light right now I really will lose it. I'll be all right."
After another pause, he climbed off me, rolling over to lay on his back. I couldn't help noticing he was fully extended again, and hard enough that it was difficult to not look at him. I don't know if he heard me, but pretty much the instant after I thought it, he turned over, grabbing hold of the bedspread and jerking down the blankets so he could climb under them. He motioned for me to join him once he had.
"Are you sure?" I said.
He nodded. Seeing something in my expression, concern flickered over his clear eyes.
"Did I hurt your feelings, Allie...?"
I shook my head. "No. Absolutely not." I hesitated. "I'm just not sure I trust myself, honestly. Maybe I should sleep on my side of the bed. Or in the other room, maybe..."
He gave a short laugh. "I'll risk it." Still studying my expression, he hesitated again. "Are you sure that's it, Allie?"
I nodded, and I was pretty sure I was telling the truth...but for some reason, I still couldn't make myself relax. I didn't think about it consciously at first, but it struck me again that I was still worried about how he saw me after the Lao Hu thing. The few things he'd said hadn't exactly eased my mind, even though I believed him that he wasn't angry at me, per se.
After another pause, though, I crawled over the bed to where he was, sliding under the blankets when he lifted them to accommodate me. As soon as he pulled me against him, I found my hands caressing his chest, running over his shoulders and neck and arms.
He didn't say anything. When I kept touching him, I felt him starting to react, even as his light expanded into mine again. Leaning closer, he kissed me. I thought at first it was a peace offering, or maybe something to dissolve the tension...but he didn't stop with the one kiss. He kissed me again, opening his light more...then more, when I kissed him back. When we still hadn't stopped, minutes later, I no longer cared what we were doing, or even if maybe I was pushing him again...ignoring his words in favor of what I wanted. By then, he'd rolled halfway on top of me, pinning me under his weight as he continued to kiss my mouth, groaning softly whenever I opened my light. I had my hands on him again too, exploring his back, reminding myself of scars and muscles and bones.
I have no idea how long we did that, but somewhere in it, I felt my light start to unclench, even as I realized how closed I'd been. When the tautness began to go it was like ice melting around my form, and suddenly I could feel him all around me as his light flooded mine. He stopped once I had, long enough to let out a low groan against my neck. That one came from deep enough that my fingers dug into his back.
"Gods...Alyson..."
"Stop," I begged him. "Please. I won't if you don't..."
"Sorry, baby," he murmured. "I'm sorry...but you looked worried before..."
"I'm not worried now..."
"You're not?" His voice held an edge of humor, but more pain slid off his light. "Maybe just one more kiss, to be sure?"
"Revik...don't. It's not a good idea..."
"I want you," he murmured softer. "I want you more than I ever have, Allie...I don't care about the Lao Hu...not like that. I'm jealous, let me be jealous...and angry at that fucker Ditrini. But please don't think I look at you differently. I swear I don't..."
I fought to keep my mind moving in straight lines, still gripping his back. Closing my eyes when he pressed against me again, I nodded.
"Okay."
"Okay?" he said. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," I said. "Do you want to try to sleep now?"
He laughed. "No. But I will." He kissed my throat, massaging my shoulder. "I'll probably drive you crazy for the next year or so, by the way," he murmured, kissing me again. "I'm already looking forward to trying to fuck you every time we're alone for more than five minutes. Talking you into long lunches...dragging you into closets..." His voice deepened, turning more serious. "I feel like all we've do
ne so far is jerk each other off, Allie...it's not enough. It's not even close to enough. I want things to be real with us this time..."
His eyes met mine when he raised his head, his expression holding that intensity again.
"...I'd rather wait. Are you all right with that?"
Biting my lip, I met his gaze, nodding. "Of course."
He kissed me again, holding my wrist against the mattress. His skin was so warm by then, I couldn't tell anymore if the dampness on both of us was only from the shower. Still fighting to control my light, I gripped his hair, bringing him closer against me. He let me, until both of us were pressing against each other again. At a certain point, he groaned, jerking back his light as he broke us apart. Raising his head, he released me all at once, moving over on his hands until he was lying on his stomach.
Once he was settled, he glanced up at me. He gave a short laugh at my expression.
"Gods, wife," he said. "Stop looking at me like that."
Shaking my head, I rolled my eyes, fighting embarrassment. Turning over to my own stomach, I shifted my head on the pillow to face him, then closed my eyes. My light was still coiling around me, looking for him, but I managed to pull it back enough that my breath started to slow, and I started to feel comfortable where my body sank into the mattress.
"Do you love me?" he said.
I gave another short laugh. "Revik...for crying out loud..."
"Do you?"
I nodded, rolling my eyes at him dramatically. "Yes. You ridiculous man."
Allie's War Season Three Page 34