I winced, cursing Balidor somewhere in the back of my mind, but I didn't look away.
"Revik..."
"You act like I have all of this experience," he said. "I hate to break it to you Alyson, but I haven't had a lot of partners. I've slept with a lot of prostitutes, which isn't the same thing. The few actual relationships I've had, the ones that were more than that, you already know about...and even with Raven it was pretty damned borderline..."
I nodded, biting my lip. I could feel the embarrassment on him now, how much he hated talking about this, and I couldn't help cringing that I'd laughed before.
"...I didn't want to rush," he repeated, his voice harder again. "I wanted you to get used to me...and used to sex with seers. I didn't want to scare you, Allie...or ask for too much. I didn't want to push a bunch of shit on you before we were ready..."
"Okay," I said. "...Okay, Revik. I get that. I really do." I paused, then made my voice more cautious. "So what's the rush now? Why rush when it's you instead of me?"
He shook his head, clicking at me, but didn't answer.
Watching his jaw harden as he stared at the windows, I shook him a little, if only to get him to look at me again...or maybe to snap him out of it.
"Is it ego?" I said, my voice blunt. "Or do you seriously believe I'd consider leaving you? That sex with you, my husband, would somehow be 'less' than sex with a bunch of total strangers...just because you somehow missed learning a few of their pony tricks?"
Glancing at me, he exhaled shortly, clicking under his breath in irritation. After a few seconds though, I saw his skin darken, right before he shrugged.
"Both, I guess," he said.
Rolling my eyes at him, I let him go, long enough to grab his hand, dragging him towards the bathroom door, which stood not far from the door to the bedroom.
"Allie," he protested. "Wait..."
I released him at once. "What?"
"What are we doing?" he said. "Right now, I mean."
"I wanted to take a shower," I said. "I wanted you to come with me..." Hesitating, I tried to gauge his expression, feeling my face warm. "...You don't have to, but I promise to be good. You seriously need to sleep after that, Revik..."
He continued to stare at me for a moment. I couldn't help noticing his eyes flicker down my body, even as that more predatory look returned.
"Really?" he said. "You were going to drag me naked into the shower?"
Flushing a little more, I laughed. "Well, I wasn't thinking about it exactly like that...but yes." Hesitating, I added, "Really. It's no big deal, Revik. If you'd rather just go to sleep..."
He shook his head, grabbing my hand again. "Absolutely not."
"Revik..." I shook my head as he pulled me closer. "No."
"No, what? Isn't this your idea?"
"You know what I mean," I said. "And of course I want to...that's not the point. If we start that you won't sleep for at least a few hours. And then something might happen with the Lao Hu or whatever else, and you won't get any sleep at all..."
"So this is you being responsible?" he said, smiling as he tugged on my hand, pulling me with him as he walked backwards towards the bathroom. "...Taking me to the shower and rubbing soap on me when I've already got a hard-on?"
Rolling my eyes, I gave an embarrassed laugh. "I wanted to be nice to you! That doesn't automatically equate to four hours of monkey sex..."
"What about one hour?" he said, smiling.
I laughed again. "No!"
Even so, I found myself following him.
I could feel what he was highlighting in my light, too...but hell, I already knew I wanted him. The problem was, I could also feel how tired he was, and I was a little worried about what Surli said about there being some kind of time limit on our safety. I had visions of a bomb going off in the inner lobby of the hotel...or maybe an air attack, with me and Revik dragged up to helicopters on the roof in collars. I knew 'Dori had a pretty hardcore security grid up there that should prevent anyone unauthorized from landing, but it still made me nervous. Anyway, maybe the threat wasn't to me or Revik...maybe it was someone else. Like Chan or Cass or something about what was going on in San Francisco. We'd already heard about scares that the disease had spread to Oakland.
"I'm not living like that, Allie," Revik murmured.
He'd already closed the bathroom door behind us. He pulled me closer to him. Once I stood in front of him, he started unfastening the buttons on my shirt.
"I'm not going to live waiting for disaster to strike any minute," he said softer, kissing me on the cheek. "...not until we have to, anyway. That time may come soon enough."
I found myself nodding to that, too.
Stepping closer to him, I pushed the heavier shirt he was wearing off his shoulders. I was tugging up his T-shirt then, and pulling at his belt. He paused long enough with my clothes to flip on the shower, using the controls outside the stall to heat up the water. He pulled his own shirt the rest of the way over his head even as I writhed out of mine. I found I was staring at him as I unzipped and started pushing down my pants. I still quite hadn't gotten over the novelty of seeing him naked yet...I don't think I had even at the rebel base, and he looked different again, more how I remembered him at the cabin, even though I knew he and Wreg had been spending more time in the weight room with Jorag and the others.
When I walked up to where he stood by the shower door, I was already taking off my bra, even as he finished unfastening his own pants, his eyes on me as he got them down and kicked the rest of the way off.
He tore his gaze off me long enough to get under the water. Stepping out of my underwear, I followed him, pulling the band out of my hair and tossing it back on the pile of my clothes.
The shower was huge. I'd only really glanced around the bathroom long enough to get the lay of the land. A sunken tub stood on a raised platform at one end of the rectangular space. Next to it stood another door...presumably leading into the bedroom. Between the tub and the shower lay a toilet and two sinks. The shower itself was a marbled-tile monstrosity with water streams coming from both sides and also from a sunflower-like shower head hanging from the ceiling. I was still looking around, playing with the different faucets and nozzles, when Revik came up from behind me, catching hold of me around the waist.
"What's that?" he said, gruff.
I stiffened. The question hadn't been entirely playful, and something in his light told me exactly what he was talking about, even before my mind fully caught up. Most of my hair had fallen to one side of my back under the main nozzle. When I just stood there, not answering, his fingers rose to my exposed shoulder blade, the left one, caressing the skin. I felt him looking at the design there, even as his hands on me tightened.
"What is that, Allie?" he said again.
That time, his voice was carefully neutral.
Biting my lip, I looked up at him. "Revik...I'm going to try to get it removed. I've already asked Wreg about it. About what it would entail..."
"But what is it? That's not the symbol of the Lao Hu, is it?"
Sighing, I shook my head. "No."
"So what is it?"
Thinking about how to answer, I bit my lip. My voice came out harder the next time I spoke.
"The truth?" I said. "It was a punishment."
"A punishment for what?"
Hearing the increasing edge in his voice, I sighed again, grabbing the soap off the dish and rubbing it between my hands before I answered him.
"Look," I said finally. "One of the infiltrators did it. I was going to tell you about it, but so far, there hasn't really been a good time..." Feeling Revik tense behind me, I bit my lip, shaking my head. "He was an asshole, okay? It was supposed to be some kind of 'marking' of me...like branding a farm animal. He was pissed off because I wouldn't do what he wanted, so he tried to intimidate me in a number of ways, anything to put me beneath him. That stupid tattoo was one of them..."
Feeling Revik's hands tighten, I glanced back at him, my
voice edging into defensive.
"He had to knock me out to put it on me," I said. "And I got him back...sort of."
"How?" he said. "You got him back how?"
Hesitating another handful of seconds, I felt my face warm even as I reached up, pulling my hair off to the opposite side, so that it hung over my left shoulder instead, exposing the right shoulder blade and the middle of my back. I felt Revik grow entirely silent, both in his mind and without, as he looked at the design there, also in seer ink but about five times the size of the other tattoo...and in full color. Feeling sparks of reaction in his light, I sighed again, clicking a little, mostly at myself.
"I got a beating for that," I added without thinking. My face grew hotter, even as I shrugged off my own words. "Trust me...it was worth it. I was more worried about the poor girl I talked into doing the artwork for me...she was only like thirty, some artist's kid who lived in the city. I knew there was some chance he might go after her if he managed to get her name off me, or off someone else. But she was really good, so –– "
"Allie." Revik struggled for words, still caressing the sword and sun tattoo that covered most of the middle of my back. He kissed it, then my neck, holding me against him. I felt pain in his hands, and had to fight not to look at him again.
"Allie," he said, still fighting to speak. "Jesus...I thought...Wreg said the Lao Hu didn't do that. He said they don't beat their consorts..."
I felt my shoulders tense again, and fought to keep it out of my light.
I'd known this would come up, of course, as soon as he saw the two tattoos. He'd been a little too preoccupied with sex before to look at me all that carefully, I guess...and anyway, I'd been on my back for most of that time in his room, before the meeting with Vash. I'd already resolved to tell him the truth rather than lie about it, or try and talk around it somehow. It made sense to just rip the bandage off this one, since he would find out the truth anyway.
Still, it was hard to go on when I felt the pulses coming off his light, pain, but not separation pain, and a kind of helpless grief.
My voice remained carefully neutral, but I knew that wouldn't help, either.
"They don't, usually," I said, sighing. "...They don't beat their consorts. This was after the Gerwix thing." Glancing up at him, I winced at his expression. "...And even then, Voi Pai was pissed at him for doing it. She gave me to him, but she didn't authorize him hurting me physically. She probably just didn't like that it interfered with me seeing clients, but it was still a relief when she found out. Ulai told her, the one you saw in China, who..." Trailing, rather than finishing that sentence, I shrugged again, flushing. "...The whole thing ended up being a blessing in disguise. She forbade that asshole from going near me again. Ulai went back to being my handler, and he was all right..."
"Ditrini," Revik said. His voice remained heavy. "It was Ditrini, right?"
I turned, staring up at him warily. "Did Wreg talk to you?"
"No," Revik said. His jaw tightened. "Raven. I had them edit it out of the transcript."
I nodded, biting my lip. I'd forgotten. "Yeah, she was there a few times."
He just stood there for a moment while I distracted myself, dunking my head under the hot water again, closing my eyes. I already had a pretty good idea that sex was off the menu, for now at least. My little story about the Chinese tattoos pretty much killed the mood. Still, I hadn't really done this for sex. I'd wanted to help him to relax.
So far, I'd managed to do pretty much the opposite of that.
"Come here," I coaxed, holding out a hand. "...Please."
He stayed where he was, his expression unreadable.
"I'm getting it removed," I said. "I already talked to Wreg about it..."
"It's seer ink, Allie. It'll hurt. A lot."
He sounded angry. Frowning, I tried to catch his gaze, couldn't.
"So?" I said, biting back the defensive creep I could hear in my voice. "I'll have a scar. Isn't that better? I don't want that asshole's mark on me..." When he wouldn't return my gaze, I averted mine, folding my arms. "Do you really think I should keep it? Or are you just pissed at me that it's there in the first place...?"
"Neither," he said, still not looking at me.
"Then what?"
He turned, his clear eyes hard as glass.
"What the fuck do you think, Allie?" he growled. "I want to put a hit on the son of a bitch...I want him in the ground."
Jumping a little, I stared at him. When I read the look on his face, I realized he was serious.
"What?" I said. "Revik, no. Why?"
He ran a hand through his wet hair, moving to stand directly under the nozzle. I watched him close his eyes, felt him fighting with his light, trying to get it under control again. I felt that Syrimne part of him, too, at odds with the part of him trying to control it...or maybe just trying to keep it from where I could feel it. I also felt the other person, the one that was usually more rational, but he didn't feel much calmer. He felt determined instead, and I knew from past experience what that probably meant. It meant he would do what he felt he had to do, and if he thought I couldn't handle it, he just wouldn't tell me about it.
Stepping closer, I slid my arms around his waist. I had to prod him a bit with my light before he looked down at me.
"Hey," I said. "I promised myself I wouldn't lie to you about this...so I didn't. But it's not worth starting an even bigger war over that piece of shit."
He avoided my eyes. "Things can't get any worse with the Lao Hu, Allie...don't kid yourself. And don't think it's all me being petty, either. If he was willing to do this to you, he's still a threat. We can't risk him coming after you again."
"Revik," I said, sighing. "He's their most senior infiltrator..."
"I don't give a fuck who he is...all the more reason."
"But why even bother? What can he do to me now?" I looked up, studying the expression on his face. "Why kill him...when you know it'll only make Voi Pai flip out? He can't hurt me, Revik...he can't even get near me."
"He was trying to break the bond." Revik's eyes held zero compromise, as if daring me to lie to him. "Wasn't he? Trying to force me out of your light...replace me with himself? That was the meaning of the mark...it was a promise to you. Wasn't it?"
I fell silent, looking between his eyes. I don't know why it surprised me that he'd figured it out so fast, but it still managed to catch me off guard.
"Yeah," I said finally, sighing again.
"Then he's a threat to you, Allie," he said. "...And to me, if that makes it more palatable for you. Or didn't it occur to you it would kill me if he succeeded?"
"But he was never going to succeed!" I said, a little exasperated. "It was a total power trip on his part...a complete ego wank. I never wanted anything to do with him...and I knew how to close my light by then, and not only in sex. Once...and I mean once, early on...he managed to get me wasted enough that he convinced me he was you. That was the only time I opened to him...the only time I opened to any of them, really. After that, I didn't let him near my light. I'd shield from him if he so much as held my hand. From what Ulai told me, he didn't have a chance in hell at succeeding without my cooperation, and I flat out refused to give it to him..."
Revik just shook his head, his expression unmoving.
"You still don't understand seers, Allie."
My hackles rose, without my willing it. "What does that mean?"
"It means he fixated on you," he said, turning on me angrily. "...Like Maygar did, Allie. Remember Maygar? Remember what he did, when he got fixated?" Shaking his head when I only frowned, he grunted in what felt almost like an apology. "Hell...like I did, before I pulled you out of San Francisco. Seers get fixated. It's more than a crush, but it's not quite love, either, when seers get attached like this. It doesn't go away overnight. Sometimes it doesn't go away at all, Allie...especially if the seer in question isn't overly stable..."
I stared up at him, looking between his eyes.
"I
don't want you killing for me!" I said. "I don't want you killing, period...not unless it's absolutely necessary! Jesus, Revik...haven't we talked about this? How it's not good for you to get like this?"
"Yes," he shot back. "And I believe I told you, point blank, that I'd still kill if I had to, given who and what we both are. I said I'd have to do it if anyone posed a real threat to one of us...and not only in the middle of a military op..." When I looked away, clicking at him, he caught hold of my upper arms, pulling me closer to him, but almost gently that time. "Allie. The head infiltrator of the Lao Hu is fixated on you...I'd say that constitutes a real threat, wouldn't you?"
"That's not the point..." I began.
"That's exactly the point!" he snapped.
"Revik...you need to chill out about this! You need to remember why Balidor got all paranoid about you and me being sexual again!"
He only stood there, his jaw hardening as he clicked sharply, and seemingly at the tiled wall. Taking in his expression, I could only look at him for a moment. Even so, I found myself using my light, trying to read behind the sparks of heat still coming off his aleimi...and what had to be fear woven in with the rest.
"Are you mad at me?" I said finally.
He stared at me, as if startled.
He shook his head, tugging on my arms, pulling me closer.
"No." He shook his head again, but he seemed to be really seeing me that time, his expression losing some of its hardness. "No, Allie. I'm not mad at you...I swear I'm not. Honestly, it scares the hell out of me. Seers have been known to kill over unrequited fixations. They've been known to kill the object of that fixation...they've also been known to kill or go after their mates, boyfriends, human owners...even their parents sometimes, if they got in the way. It sounds like he might have killed you, if Voi Pai hadn't intervened..."
I shook my head, clicking softly. "The others wouldn't have allowed it."
"They might not have been able to stop him, Allie!"
I flinched at the charge that rose in his words. Then I just stood there as he looked at me, unsure what to say. I knew he was right, of course. I'd known I was in danger at the time. I'd felt the threat...it's why I finally talked to Ulai and showed him the bruises and the tat I woke up with after Ditrini had my food drugged. It's why I talked to Charlie and Miao, two of the other consorts with whom I'd been friendly before the whole mess with Gerwix and then Ditrini. I'd also seen the way the other seers acted whenever I was around. They treated him with kid gloves...I even caught a few of them eyeing him warily, like they knew they were dealing with someone who wasn't quite playing with a full deck.
Allie's War Season Three Page 33