I sighed, rubbing my forehead with a hand. "Sorry," I said. "I wasn't specific about who could read it. I should have––"
"Spare me," he cut in. "Alyson. Do you trust me at all?"
"Yes," I said, feeling my jaw harden once more. "Of course I do. And yes, I was going to discuss all of this with you...as soon as I saw you. I only left the note because I didn't know when Balidor would be up. I thought you'd know all about it long before he did." Hearing him click in irritation under his breath, I bit my lip. "...Look, can we move past this? I need to make some decisions. I need you to be tactical guy right now...not pissed off husband guy."
His eyes found my face, angry once more, but I saw him give a short nod.
"Fine," he said, folding his arms. "Describe what is wrong with your light. Be specific, so I can see it while you talk..."
Nodding, I did as he'd asked. I went into as much detail as I could, telling him about the increased frequency and vividness of my dreams, about having trouble focusing on the aleimi of other seers, about only really seeing his clearly. I told him about the weird 'shell' I'd seen around my light more than once, and how difficult it was to see through. I told him I'd been more tired lately, too, almost as if I were being drained from outside.
He listened to every word I said, his eyes out of focus as he scanned me.
"And you're sure it started when you left China?" he said when I finished. His eyes clicked back into focus, his voice neutral again. "...Because it didn't feel that precise to me. When you were explaining it...it felt like you were fudging dates."
"No. I'm not sure," I said, fighting that tight feeling in my chest again. I pushed my hair behind my ear, shaking my head. "I'm not trying to fudge anything...I just don't know for sure when it started. I started noticing it sometime after we robbed that bank...but definitely before we went to Argentina. The Lao Hu are just the best guess I've got. That's also the last time anyone had me long enough to screw with my light...unless you and Balidor have been doing things to me while I sleep..." Pausing, something else occurred to me. "Could it have something to do with Vash dying? With losing access to his light?"
Revik shook his head, his eyes clearing slightly. "I don't think so."
"What do you think?"
"When is the very first time you noticed it?"
"About a week after we woke up from the bank robbery? Maybe two..."
Revik nodded, but still didn't look at me. "I see."
"You see?" I said, feeling my own jaw tighten. "You see what? Do you think I'm right? Or do you think it's something Shadow did? Something we missed when Balidor checked all of us out afterwards?"
Revik shook his head again, clicking softly. Rubbing his face with one hand, he gave a more tired-sounding sigh, leaning his weight back against the old wooden table. I found myself staring at him as expressions shifted across his face, too quickly for me to read. With him this closed to me, I felt almost completely blind, which brought a helpless feeling closer to anger than I'd let myself feel around any of them up until now. It hadn't really occurred to me––or I hadn't let it, anyway––how completely dependent I'd gotten on having access to seeing and feeling more than just my five senses allowed.
Losing that was akin to waking up blind. Really blind.
I supposed, in some darker flash of humor, that it was ironic I would become human again, right when my brother was turning into a full-fledged seer.
"It's getting worse," I told him, my voice harder. "...I don't know if that's because you're injured, so I can't rely on you as much as I did. It's possible I didn't notice before, because of you. Either way, but it's definitely getting worse. I wondered if maybe Voi Pai did it so I wouldn't be able to identify any Lao Hu infiltrators they sent..."
Revik nodded, but from the look in his eyes, I honestly couldn't tell if he was even listening to me.
"What did Balidor say to you?" I said, my voice sharper. "Did he tell you what was wrong with your light...? Why it's so charged right now?"
"He has Tarsi looking at it. He checked in with me, right before he took off with Yarli." Revik rubbed his face before he sighed, that time as if purposefully calming himself down. "She had a few theories...she'll get back to me. She’s in meditation right now."
"Theories? Like what?" I said, my voice still sharp. "Are you going to tell me?"
He looked up, and the glow in his eyes had finally faded entirely. His clear irises still carried more light than usual, but they looked like his eyes again. I could even see the deeper thread of feeling there that time, whatever he was shielding from me in his actual light
"Is this a tit-for-tat thing, you not telling me?" I said, biting my lip as I tried to normalize my voice. "Because I thought we agreed not to go there..."
"Allie," he said, his voice openly exasperated. "It's not tit-for-tat...I'm just not ready to talk about it right now. I'm okay, all right? What Shadow did...both Balidor and Tarsi agree it's healing. I'm struggling more with the emotional side of that than the actual injuries. It's not an easy time for me to feel helpless. Or unable to protect you..."
Staring at him, at first I couldn't tell if he was serious.
Realizing that he was, I gave a startled laugh, but it didn't have a lot of humor in it.
"Since when is 'protecting me' your job?" I said, watching him frown as he looked away. "I thought you were taken off protective detail for the Bridge when we first got married...?"
Clicking at me, he rolled his eyes. I saw color rise to his cheeks, though, and that time, it didn't look like anger. Watching his face, I felt my jaw harden more.
"You think it's connected," I said. "My blindness and whatever's going on with you."
"I don't know that," he said, his voice warning.
I barely heard him.
"...How?" I said. "How is it connected, Revik? Did Tarsi have a 'theory' on that, too? Part of what you simply 'don't feel like' talking about right now?" When Revik only stared at the wall, I sharpened my voice. "Is this some bond thing? Are you reacting to my light being messed up by turning into overprotective guy or something?"
Sighing again, he gripped the edge of the wooden table. He shook his head, his voice holding almost a grudging note.
"Look," he said. "I'd really rather not say anything until I know more." He gave me a level look, but I didn't feel any anger behind it that time. "Can we just wait a little while on this?" he said. "Please, Allie. Would that be all right? I promise I'll tell you as soon as I know something concrete. I promise. Until then, I think we should just wait..."
"Wait? On what?" I fought that harder edge creeping into my voice. "On me being blind? Or on the fact that you can't control your light...in the middle of the Displacement? That means both of us are knocked out, Revik..."
"We're not knocked out, Allie," he said, giving me another warning look.
"Near enough," I said. "Neither of us will have the ability to do what we both know we might need to do, especially if the hotel gets attacked...which it might, if Balidor is right.”
"The telekinesis is healing," he said, his eyes on mine. "We'll look at your light too, all right? I'll have Balidor look at it as soon as he's back..."
"Really?" I said. "Okay. Well, I'll just chill then. You're right...it's not a big deal. Having the seer in charge being actively blind might be a liability here and there, though. But since you can see for both of us, I shouldn't worry, right? Oh, unless you get knocked out, too. Or get too pissed off at me to let me use your light..."
Seeing him wince, I felt my jaw harden more, right before I added more tersely,
"Or were you just thinking you and Balidor would remove me from command altogether, while you’re at it? Put the boys back in charge again?"
My words came out more charged than I'd intended...or even than I'd consciously known I felt. Once I said them, though, I felt that deeper fear in my light, even before I saw Revik staring at me, his eyes narrow. I still didn't see anger in him though, more a restraint of some k
ind, something that seemed to hold a lot more under the scrutiny on the surface. I felt him scanning me, too, almost overtly that time. A vague worry emanated off his light as he did it, but I could tell he was trying to hide that from me, too.
"What's wrong with me, Revik?" I said, hearing the note of fear in my voice. "You know, don't you? You and Tarsi don't think it's the Lao Hu. So what is it?"
Revik regained his feet, even as his expression lost its hardness.
Before I could ask him again, he crossed the space between us and enveloped me in his arms. He held me wordlessly at first, but tightly, his light exuding warmth into my heart and belly. I felt love there, so much it overwhelmed me, especially given how angry he'd been at me just a few moments before. He held me tighter when I let him in, and I felt the worry there, too, but more than that, a deeper intensity of that love, even as he caressed my hair back from my neck, pressing his face against mine.
I found myself relaxing against him in spite of myself, as he wrapped his arms further around my back, gripping my shoulder even as his other hand and arm wrapped around my waist, holding me firmly against him.
"I love you, Allie."
"I know," I said, still fighting back my fear at the intensity I felt in his light. I tried to joke. "Am I dying?"
"Allie," he murmured, nuzzling my neck. "I won't let anything happen to you. I promise I won't. I promise...okay?"
His light grew so soft I found my throat closing, even as my fear worsened. I'd been kidding about the death thing, but Christ, maybe it wasn't a joke.
Maybe I really was dying.
At the thought, he let out a low laugh, raising his head.
"No, wife. You're not dying...yet." His eyes hardened, even as his arms tightened around my back. "...and I do mean yet, since I might kill you if you keep sneaking off behind my back to interview dangerous psychopaths. Dangerous psychopaths you have a light-bond to, who happen to be fixated on your light...I read the damned transcript, too, wife."
I frowned, but he went on, speaking before I could interrupt.
"...And if you think you're getting out of the command gig, you can keep dreaming. We can change the protocols, if you want, but Balidor takes his protective duties seriously, as the head of the Adhipan. I take mine seriously, too, wife. But you outrank us both...if you want something, just overrule us." His jaw tightened. "I'd rather if you reasoned with me, though. Granted, it turns me on when you get bossy...but I don't like feeling like a tool, either, Allie. I also don't like being lied to, just because you're too much of a chickenshit to tell me what you intend to do..."
I gave him an angry look, starting to open my mouth, but he cut me off.
"...And, by the way, you're not in charge because you can 'see things' with your light. Hate to break it to you, but temporary aleimic problems don't get you off the hook. You have a whole team of infiltrators to help you with that end. You also have me, Tarsi, Yumi, Wreg and Balidor, if you want to keep something confidential from the wider group. You just have to start using us. The way an advisory team is meant to be used, wife...not as an obstacle course to get around. If you're so hell-bent on being seen as the leader, then lead, damn it. Figure out how you want to use us, then do it. Don't sneak around like a fucking kid afraid of getting caught..."
I felt my face warming at his words, but didn't answer, probably because when he said it, I knew he was right. When he only continued to watch my face, I bit my tongue, hard enough for it to hurt, but I forced myself to nod.
"Fine," I said. "Point taken. But I want this addressed. I'm not going to be much good to any of you, if I make my decisions based on the 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe' method..."
He held me tighter again, pressing his face against mine, even as he warmed me with his light. I felt him relaxing, too, more so when I leaned into him and stopped holding him off my aleimi. Feeling that vulnerability rise once more to the forefront of his light, along with a more familiar compulsion to be touched, I sighed a little, sliding my hands under his shirt to get contact with more of his skin.
"Hey," I said, my voice more subdued. "I heard you, okay? You're right. But I do need to look at how our leadership team is set up. It’s too fucking slow. I would really appreciate your help with that..."
He nodded, leaning into me more.
As he did, I again felt that near-relief on him, and realized he'd really meant it when he said he wanted me to step up and lead. He really did see himself in the role of some kind of advisor, at least when it came to me. It occurred to me that I'd known that, too.
It wasn't him who wasn't comfortable with me leading...it was me. Even after all of this time, I was screwing around with my own issues around the role.
Forcing myself to exhale, then to relax, I let myself fall into the motion as I caressed his skin. As I did, I felt him relaxing more, too.
In all of the military mode of the past few weeks, even with the sex that morning, I'd forgotten about the rest of what was going on with us.
Namely, in addition to re-bonding ourselves, Revik was still dealing with integrating everything he'd experienced in the tank. He didn't have Vash around to help him with it anymore, either...another realization that managed to escape me until that very moment. Way back when, Vash warned both of us that it might be years before Revik fully healed. Vash had also told me, privately, that Revik needed to be touched, and often. According to Vash, Menlim created real gaps in Revik's light from the complete lack of affection he'd received as a child. Some of those gaps healed just from the fact of us being bonded. More got healed during the reintegration process Vash and Tarsi performed on his light in the tank.
But the problem hadn't been fixed.
Vash seemed to think the rest just needed time, and affection from family and friends.
Especially from me, he'd said.
I knew Revik himself was still self-conscious about his issues in that area, too, so he probably asked less often than he wanted it. His fall-back was sex, even with me...but that was a learned behavior, too. For years, that was pretty much his only option if he wanted someone to touch him.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I hadn't been remembering any of that nearly enough, not in terms of how I actually treated him. I'd practically forgotten all of those things Vash told me, in fact, at least in the past few weeks.
Revik just seemed so together these days. It had been easy to forget, despite how much he'd been through in the last few years.
As I thought it, I opened my light more. I felt that deeper relief expand through him, and then his light let go, too, letting me coax him open without resistance. I felt grief on him, in addition to the rest, along with a whisper of Vash's face and light. Gripping him tighter, I let that in, too, even as it occurred to me that Vash had been affectionate with Revik as well, maybe a lot more than I realized.
It seemed like we stood there like that for a long time.
Even so, I was startled when he raised his head, wiping his face with the heel of his hand. The motion wasn't even all that self-conscious. If anything, it felt like he'd relaxed...really relaxed...in his light as well as in his body, and even in the expression on his face.
"You need to ask more," I said, soft. "Your wife's not the sharpest tool in the shed, in case you hadn't noticed."
He rolled his eyes at me, still holding me tightly as his fingers found and caressed more sensitive areas on my back. He kissed my cheek a moment later, winding his hand into my hair, right after he tugged it out of the ponytail I'd put it in while I'd been working with Tenzi and Anale. Pulling me tighter against him again, he expanded his light in another flood of warmth, even as I felt that vulnerability on him sharpen.
"I really was mad at you," he said after another moment.
I sighed, still massaging his lower back. "I know. I'm sorry." I frowned, even hearing my own words aloud. "...I am sorry. That was pretty chickenshit of me."
"It was," he agreed, tugging harder on my hair.
He h
ugged me tighter, his hands under my shirt as well, and I felt him react to the additional skin contact. He pushed it aside only seconds later, but not before I felt a flood of that more erratic energy on him, and noticed his eyes had started glowing again, too. I found myself gripping his hair once I noticed, pressing my face into his neck.
"Did you go in there?" I asked him hesitantly.
"No." He exhaled in a kind of annoyance, clicking even as his hands tightened on my back. "I know you're right...and I can follow orders, believe it or not. I'm pretty sure I'd kill him if you left me alone with him for any amount of time," he added, his eyes glowing brighter, trained somewhere over my shoulder. "Tenzi asked me not to go in there, too...and Anale. Even Garend. So did Balidor...earlier, I mean." He glanced at me, still frowning, that harder look back on his face. "I wanted to kill him on that damned boat in San Francisco, and he was unconscious for most of the time then..."
I nodded, but felt a pulse of relief anyway.
I didn't bother to voice it aloud, but I was pretty sure Revik would kill him, too, regardless of whatever 'orders' I gave him. I had a good idea of what Ditrini planned to tell him as soon as he got the opportunity, and I didn't ever want that day to come, especially not if Revik had already seen a lot through my light, like Jon said. It was selfish, I knew, but I cared a lot more about Revik having to hear that than I did about him killing Ditrini, even in terms of how I knew Revik felt about killing in general these days.
Either way, it wasn't exactly good for my husband to be flying into homicidal rages, no matter what the reason.
Sadly, I didn't care about Ditrini dying all that much, Code or no.
Revik laughed a little against my neck, raising his head. He was smiling as he looked at me that time. Something more relaxed lived in that smile, too.
"I appreciate that, wife," he said, kissing my face. "Probably more than I should." He held me tighter again, his arms exuding warmth. I could still feel something nagging at him though, and he was trying to decide whether to tell me. I waited while he pushed it back and forth a few times, then finally seemed to give in, sighing where he held me.
Allie's War Season Three Page 112