"I'm jealous of him," he said.
My arms tightened around him again. "I know," I said. "You have absolutely zero reason to be, but I understand, Revik. I really do."
"I'm not sure you do," he said.
Discomfort rose in his light, and another of those tug of wars in his mind, where he seemed to be trying to decide how much to say to me. I caught a few glimpses of the flavor of this in the pause, however, and felt my face warm in spite of myself. Jon hadn't been kidding, when he said Revik had seen things about my time with the Lao Hu.
I found I understood though. For real that time.
"It turns you on," I said simply. "What he did to me."
He winced. He did it perceptibly, even as I saw color rise to his cheeks, more than what had probably risen to mine. It made him look young, even apart from what I'd felt in his light. It also reminded me of things I'd seen about him in the tank, enough to bring a flush of reaction to my own light. I knew where he'd learned a lot of that, as well.
"Not exactly," he said, his voice more careful that time, but also holding an underlying guilt. "Not the part where he hurt you. Not where he forced you, Allie..."
"I know." I sighed. "I get it, Revik."
I watched him avoid my eyes. When he wouldn't look over, I shook him where I held him, even as I let my voice turn impatient.
"Revik...for crying out loud. Captivity and sex and coercion were all tangled up from your very first experiences with sex. It's not like I never noticed before, that those associations were pretty hardwired in you." Shrugging a little, I felt my face grow hotter. "...I don't mind. Honestly, I don't. And I'm not offended. Under normal circumstances, that kind of thing turns me on, too..." When his face tightened, I shook him again. "I meant normal, as in, not with a sadist I despise. As in, the rules are agreed upon beforehand, and we’re both into it. We kind of played with that at the rebel compound, didn't we? A little anyway?"
When I looked up at him that time, a flush of pain left his light. He must have seen me react to it, because his skin darkened more. He didn't speak, though.
"They even joked about that in Seattle," I added, my jaw tightening a little. "...Kat and the others. I didn't know you then, but I caught the references. They made jokes about subservience games with you, and about you liking to be hurt..."
Another pulse of...something...left his light.
It felt tangled that time, embarrassment mixed with a darker flush of wanting, and what felt almost like the beginnings of a question, or maybe just the toying around with the wording of it in some part of his light. I waited until he had time to think about it, wondering if he would just come out and ask me. When he still didn't speak, I found myself reading things off his light, in spite of myself. When I did, I saw Ditrini's face and body behind his eyes, in enough detail to realize again that Jon was right, that Revik had seen a lot more than he'd admitted to me...or maybe just more than I'd really let myself think about.
With that jumble of images from him came another flush of guilt, coupled with what might have been self-disgust.
"I hate what he did to you, Allie," he said after another pause, his voice harder that time. "It's not some jerk-off thing for me, watching that...I fucking hate it."
I massaged his belly that time, nodding. "I know," I said. "I get the difference," I added. "I'm not that young. And Ditrini wasn't the first time I'd run into that kind of thing."
He shook his head though, his jaw hardening more. "Don't get me started about Jaden right now, Allie...I really will lose it on you. I mean it."
Startled, I glanced up. I hadn't been thinking about Jaden at all when I'd said that, but I realized immediately what he meant. I'd forgotten he'd seen all of that, too. Swallowing, I nodded, gesturing a yes with my hand, along with a softer apology.
"Sorry," I added, aloud. "I didn't mean it like that."
Sighing, he covered his face with one hand.
Anger flickered across his expression, more of that guilt, but I felt the wanting underneath, too. He fought back and forth in his head for a few seconds more, and I felt the pain worsen in his light, until it was affecting his body, too. I also felt the connection between that and what I'd been feeling on him before, that more compulsive part of his light, the part that caused his fingers to stroke my bare skin, even as he thought through the rest of it. Glancing down, he exhaled again, but I saw that more complex array of thoughts resurface behind his eyes, as if he was still fighting between what his light wanted, what his mind thought, and his actual words.
"Are you going to ask me?" I said finally. "You vowed to ask me...remember? You promised you'd tell me if you wanted something in that area. That you'd show me, if I didn't get it. Remember? We talked about this..."
After another pause, he exhaled again, nodding. "Yeah," he said.
"Do you love me?" I said.
He looked at me, and some of the tension left his face. "Yes, wife. I adore you."
"Do you want to hurt me?" I said. "For real, hurt me?"
He shook his head, even as his eyes cleared more. "No," he said.
"Then what's the problem?" I said. "Is it just because two guys you don't like got there first?" I fought a smile that didn't have a lot of humor in it. "...Welcome to my world, husband. Or do you think it was fun listening to Kat talk about you like that...and having to remember it ever since?" Hesitating, I added, "...And I didn't miss any of the undertones when you lost your virginity to Raven and those others, either," I added. "It might not have been overt, but it was definitely implied. They picked up on what turned you on right off..."
"Would you do it for me though, Allie?" he said, blunt.
When I glanced up, puzzled, if only because I felt like I'd answered that question already, he shook his head, as if reading the confusion in my eyes.
"...I mean, would you let me do it," he repeated, sending me a more directive pulse of light. "Would you let me control it, not you...including teaching me that thing you do with your light?" When my eyes cleared in understanding, he added, "...I never felt comfortable asking for that. The opposite, sure...but I never asked if I could be the one to control things. Not even with prostitutes..." His eyes held that conflict again. "...After the Gisele thing, I just felt––"
I cut him off, though, holding up a hand. "I get it, Revik. Stop. Okay?"
Even so, I found myself looking at him, thinking about his words, and what I felt in his light as it coiled around mine.
"Never?" I said.
He shook his head, clicking a little in what I could feel was another wave of embarrassment. "No. Not really."
"Not...really?"
"That's not a dodge, Allie," he said in a near-growl. He looked at me, his eyes shining with that harder look again. "With the Rooks, I mostly got that out of my system when they had me training new recruits. We didn't sexualize that...not overtly, anyway, although yeah, the line got blurry at times. We didn't consummate.”
He shrugged, again avoiding my eyes.
“...Galaith was pretty conservative in his own way,” he added. “...He didn't want any of us taking advantage of uninitiated seers, not if they were joining our network. And I wouldn't have, anyway. Even with the Rooks, I didn't have an 'anything goes' attitude about absolutely everything. I ended up having to rein Terian in when it came to that kind of thing, of course..."
Swallowing a little, he seemed to wave off his own words with a hand.
"...As far as sexually, I only ever toyed at the edges of it,” he said. “...Mostly in group settings. Where I felt safe doing it, where it was kind of the tone in general..."
I nodded, but felt my jaw harden a little more.
I figured he'd done the seer group sex thing, of course, but we'd never talked about it, and he'd never shown me anything like that, not even in the tank. He hadn't shown me the 'training recruits' thing he'd just referenced, either, but it wasn't the first time it had come up. Terian made cracks about Revik's 'talents' in that area while he held me c
aptive in D.C.
As far as the group sex thing, that was considered more or less normal, from what I knew. Especially for close-knit, military-type groups like the rebels had been.
"It wasn't with them," Revik said, his voice showing a twinge of annoyance. "Are you kidding?" he said, grunting. "My uncle wouldn't let me have a sexual relationship with one seer, much less a group of them...I couldn't even get naked around them, especially after I got that sword and sun tattoo on my back. He was worried one of them would read into that, too...start putting things together. If he hadn't trusted Wreg so much, he might have had his memory erased for having been the one to ink me..." Grunting again, he inclined his head. "Do you really think he was inviting me to orgies to bond with the group? Jesus, wife."
"Who then?" I said, feeling my expression harden, despite his embarrassment.
"That was with the Rooks, too, if you must know," he said, his own face growing taut, despite the grumble in his voice. "...It's actually how Raven and I got together. Galaith didn't come out and say it, but he encouraged that kind of thing. It made the cells tighter..."
I nodded, but my jaw hardened more. Something must have changed in my light as well, because he gripped my hips in his hands, shaking me lightly.
"Allie...you asked."
"I know." I nodded, still not looking at him. "I know I did."
"I didn't know you then."
"I know that, too."
There was another silence. Then I forced a sigh, looking up at him. "Are you sure we can handle this?" I said. "We're both still a little...hypersensitive."
He sighed. "Honestly? No, I'm not sure." He grunted then, his eyes sharpening on mine. "Do you even want to do it, Allie? Or are you just humoring me?"
I thought about that, too. Feeling through different aspects with my light, even as I tried to shield slightly from his, I was surprised by a harder flush of pain, that time coming from me.
"Yeah," I said, my voice stronger that time. "Yeah, I want to do it. And I want it to be you controlling it, Revik...not just me. Not all the time, but yeah." I glanced up at him. "I guess I was worried you might take that the wrong way, too...if I asked, I mean."
Again, I saw more than one reaction skim across his eyes.
"You are taking it the wrong way," I said, fighting the disappointment in my voice.
"Only a little," he said, holding me tighter. "I want to do it, too, Allie," he added. "Badly enough to risk one of us freaking out. But maybe not right this minute. Maybe when our light is a little more bonded." He hesitated. "...We'll take it easy at first, okay?"
I nodded, but still felt myself swallowing.
"Trust me," he said, shaking me lightly again. "I'm not Ditrini. I don't even want that, Allie. It doesn't turn me on. Not in the slightest..."
I rolled my eyes. "I know that. That's not what's worrying me."
But he shook his head. "Your mind knows that, maybe, but you got afraid just then, and not just about my emotional reactions," he said, softer. He kissed my face. "I felt it, wife. And I understand. I swear I won't make it worse...I promise you I won't."
I nodded again, relaxing a little more. "Okay," I said. When he didn't answer, I looked up at him. Seeing the scrutiny in his eyes, I leaned my head against his chest. "Maybe you're right. Maybe we need to take it easy on each other for awhile."
His arms tightened around me, even as his fingers curled into my hair.
I felt that protective thing on him again, too, intensely enough that I felt my previous worries return, strongly enough to eclipse what we'd just been talking about. Whatever I could feel in his light, it wasn't just love. Not only love, anyway, or even possessiveness. He felt like he was getting ready to take a bullet for me. Or maybe donate one of his kidneys.
If I really was dying, I was going to kill him.
Still holding me against him, he chuckled. But that intensity in his light didn't lessen, and his arms, if anything, only tightened on me more.
15
FATHERHOOD
WHEN WE GOT up the next morning, Balidor already had Ditrini on wires.
I admit it surprised me, despite Balidor’s own notes on the subject in the interrogation transcripts. When Revik balked at the idea of using wires, especially on someone like Ditrini, I guess I figured Balidor would have said no categorically. When I spoke to Balidor himself, however, he was pretty matter-of-fact that it was that, or we just kill Ditrini outright.
He didn't come out and say it, but I distinctly got the impression that Balidor heard the same clock ticking over our heads that I'd been feeling since we got back to New York.
Revik woke me to take a shower with him, and told me that Balidor had contacted him pretty much the instant he was conscious, asking Revik what he thought of the approach. Balidor wanted everyone in our inner circle to weigh in, since apparently he was worried he might be not be approaching the thing with Ditrini objectively, either.
Either way, Balidor seemed to think the wires would work.
He told me that seers couldn’t build up a resistance to wires, unlike with drugs. Repeated exposure only broke down their aleimi more over time, making them more susceptible, not less. Balidor also thought I should be one of the people to talk to Ditrini once they got him high enough, which surprised me, too. He wanted me in the interrogation room after they’d spent a week or so ‘softening’ him...and after Balidor had conducted the first few rounds of interviews himself, presumably starting sometime in the next few days.
When I asked Balidor if he could speed things up, he told me, ‘not really.’
Which I found out later meant that stretching this out over one or two weeks already was speeding things up. Apparently, there was a way to use the wires to blow someone’s aleimi and mind out entirely in one go...meaning over a period of hours...but if we did that, Ditrini really would be useless to us.
We might as well just put a bullet in his brain, according to Revik.
Otherwise, they could do it like this, jacking the wires to the highest ‘safe’ setting over a period of one to four weeks, depending on the subject. The more they tried to speed up the addiction process, the closer they got to that hard, red line of total vegetable-land. Even so, Balidor told me he would be careful only not to cross that line. Which told me he would probably push those limits as hard as he possibly could.
I still only knew the basics about wires and how they worked.
Revik promised me more of an education on the Barrier mechanics, but for now only gave me the 101, high-level version. I'd been strenuously warned away from trying wires myself, of course, even as far back as by Revik on the ship to Alaska, as well as by Maygar, Balidor, Vash and whoever else in the time since. Syrimne had been credited with the development of the wires, as well, but Revik told me it had been Menlim, not him.
Further, Menlim told Revik that he'd pulled the design from Barrier records that survived the First Displacement. According to Menlim, Kardek made the original wires...or something like them...as a training tool for the first race to explore the Barrier. Apparently, he'd been trying to teach those early generations of Elaerian about dark forces, specifically the Dreng.
An attempt, according to Revik, that failed dismally, and actually had a number of very unfortunate consequences, including the creation of what might have been the first feeding network of the Dreng on Earth.
Revik said it was possible that Kardek meant the exercise as a means of preparing the first race for what was to come, in terms of the next generation of seers. He said it was also possible that the Dreng were already connected to some of the first race living on Earth, and thus Kardek may have been trying to expose their behind-the-scenes machinations.
Given how he said it, though, I figured Revik only added that last part to be diplomatic.
After all, Kardek was supposedly the first Bridge.
Whether that meant Kardek was actually me, as in the previous soul or mind or whatever of Alyson May Taylor from San Francisco, I had no id
ea. And yeah, a big chunk of me didn't want to know, much less hear the details of how I'd been involved in those original rounds of 'kill all of the people' with the Dreng in that older version of Earth.
The important part of all that was this: ultimately, wire addiction wore down the ability of a seer to use their aleimi, at least in a directive fashion. It didn't destroy the aleimi itself, or even its structural integrity, but it rendered it non-functional on the material plane.
Addictions also took away the initiative of those seers, as they ceased to find material concerns pressing or even interesting in the first place.
The worst-addicted eventually became little better than vegetables, too.
According to Revik, all wires really did was to unmoor a seer's aleimi from their directive mind. Sounds simple in theory, but in practice, it pretty much screwed them up all over the place. Vash told me once that seers, all seers, constituted a very fine balance of living in the physical world and existing also in the non-dimensional world of the Barrier and the worlds beyond the Barrier. Throw that balance enough out of whack and you ended up with a form of seer schizophrenia, where they lost touch with what differentiated the two sides, and also of the need to maintain a physical presence, including of their bodies, in the first place.
Goals that made sense to just about any living human, seer or even animal stopped making sense to them, since they saw no relevance to their physical experience at all. It all became immaterial to them, literally and figuratively.
But that was only the immediate effect of the wires.
The problem was further complicated by the addictive component.
For reasons that I didn't fully understand, seers got totally dependent on this feeling of non-materiality. It was like seer heroin, from what I'd been told by Revik, even though the wires pretty much made it impossible for a seer to function without help in the outside world. To complicate this, wires could also be programmed to put seers in any number of different spaces, which could intensify those addictions, and also make them more specific. If a seer grew accustomed to returning to the same resonance in the Barrier over and over again, they grew completely addicted to the space in addition to being unable to cope with the physical world on its own, which was more or less the addiction that the wires created in the first place.
Allie's War Season Three Page 113