I don’t know where all of this is coming from. He hasn’t tried to make a move in months. We’ve been friendly and I’ve never lead him to believe there was a chance at more.
“I did too. I didn’t choose for our life to fall apart. I know you made mistakes. I’ve forgiven you for them, but it doesn’t change how I feel. I don’t want to fight with you about this,” I plead for him to stop.
“I don’t want you to have a baby with him,” Aaron’s voice cracks at the end. He stares at my stomach and tears fall from his eyes. I follow his gaze and realize I’m in my shorts and a tank top with a very clear baby bump. “I thought maybe you were, but I didn’t want it. I’ve really lost you. Haven’t I?”
“Have I led you on?” I ask with hesitation. I tried hard not to ever let him think we were going to get back together.
He looks at Aara and back at me. “I hoped, Lee. I’m getting help. I know I fucked up . . . God, I know it . . . but I’ve always loved you. I would do anything to prove to you how good we could be. I’m doing everything the doctors want. I’m not seeing anyone because they’re not you. We can get back and we can be better.”
“Aaron, please don’t do this now. First, Liam is deployed. His mother is on life support and I’m pregnant. I love you, I always have, but our love changed. It became friendship and comfort. We let it slip through our fingers and then the choices each of us made defined our future. You will always have my past, but Liam holds my future.”
“We define our futures.”
“So do our pasts,” I say hushed.
Once again, he glances at my stomach and rests his head in his hands. I give him a minute because I can’t imagine this is easy for him. The pain of finding out about Brittany was horrible for me, and I certainly didn’t want him to find out this way.
“Were you trying? Were you going to tell me?” he asks gruffly.
“Not before I told him, and no, we weren’t trying,” I reply honestly.
“Un-fucking real. I couldn’t get you pregnant after years of trying and . . .” he trails off.
Aaron stands and walks over to Aarabelle. He places a kiss on the top of her head before turning back to me. “I’ll never stop loving you, but right now I can’t look at you. I’ll be back later, but I need some time.”
I don’t want to hurt him. It was never my intention. “I’m sorry you found out like this. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”
“I guess we’re even now,” he sneers.
I know he’s angry and upset, but it stings. Instead of going back at him, I stay silent. This won’t end well for either of us, and I won’t break him further.
He looks at me once more and the pain rolls across his face. Aaron cups my face with his hand and then drops it.
Without a word, he walks out the door and the loud sound of it closing slams the door in my heart.
It’s been three whole days. Seventy-two hours that I’ve yet to hear from Liam. I’m growing anxious and frustrated. I called the Red Cross again, ensuring the message was delivered to his command, which it was. His father called me this morning asking if he was going to make it home, and I couldn’t answer him.
I don’t know what to do, but I need to do something. Paige arrives to watch Aarabelle so I can go get some answers. I grab my purse and rush out the door. It makes me sick that I’m going to go this route, but I have no choice.
Aaron called this morning to find out what was going on. Even he seemed concerned that Liam hadn’t gotten in touch. He apologized again, but said he needed some time away to get his mind straight. Then he offered to still keep Aarabelle if I needed. If anyone’s lost the most, it’s him. He lost his wife and his best friend and the life he thought he was coming home to.
My phone rings and my pulse spikes. “Hello?” I answer immediately not even looking at the caller I.D.
“Lee, it’s Jackson.”
“Hi,” I say depressed.
“I’m guessing you still haven’t heard from him?”
“No, nothing, and I’m getting worried.”
“I’m sorry, I just wanted to see if there was anything you needed. I can call a few people and try to get some damn answers.”
I know he’ll do whatever he can, but there’s really no way he can get answers. He’s not active anymore. He’s a contractor. Sure, he has connections but they’re not going to hand over information on an active mission.
“Thanks, Jackson. I wish there was something you could do, but we both know it won’t help.”
He lets out a deep breath. “I know. I hate this, Lee. I’m here no matter what you need. I’m here.”
“Thanks, Muff. I’m at the only place I can get answers now. I’ll keep you posted.”
We hang up and I look at my best friend’s house. Where hopefully some of the answers lie. I grab my bag, let out a deep breath, ring the doorbell, and my stomach drops.
“Hi,” Reanell says and looks away. “I figured it was a matter of time.”
“You know?” I ask with my mouth agape.
“Come in,” she opens the door then steps back.
I want answers.
“What’s going on?”
Reanell sighs while she chips at her nails. “I can’t tell you, Lee. You know I can’t, but I can’t not tell you either.”
My chest tightens and my mouth goes dry.
Please, if there’s a God anywhere, I’m begging you to not do this to me. I can’t handle it.
Something’s wrong and I’m going to lose it all again. Only this time there won’t be any coming back.
We both look at each other as her face falls. She doesn’t want to hurt me, it’s clear in her eyes, but she’s going to. Reanell, who usually has no problem saying anything, shifts her weight back and forth as she waits for me to say something.
“Rea?” I ask with dread. “You have to tell me.”
She lets out a long breath and then her eyes flash with resolve. “Fuck OpSec. I talked to Mason today and he figured you’d be here already,” she pauses and I bite back the bile threatening to choke me.
My breaths come in short bursts, “I-I . . . please don’t.” I heave and put my hands on my knees.
Reanell is at my side rubbing my back. “Lee, calm down. Listen to me, please.” I stand slowly, and she walks with me over to the couch. “They’re out on a mission. It wasn’t supposed to be a long one from what I understand. All Mason said is they’ve gone dark for some reason. They can’t establish coms and can’t get in touch with him to relay the information. They’ve missed the last three checkpoints, but they have one more window. If they don’t answer by then, Mason is sending a team in.”
I close my eyes and try to focus on breathing. He has to be alive. There’s no way he’d leave me like this.
“He’ll be fine,” I say with defiance. “He knows what he’s doing.” I stand and grab my bag.
“Lee, talk to me.” Reanell stands and clutches my hand.
“I have to go food shopping. I’ll see you later.” I squeeze her hand and look for my keys.
“Food shopping?” her voice is high. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“We need food in the house. We didn’t have food in the house the last time, and I need to make sure we can eat,” I explain as if it should be obvious. “When Aaron died, I remember wanting some chips and we didn’t have any. I need to get food. And chips. Maybe some chocolate or ice cream. I should probably have a variety of things, because I don’t know what I’ll crave this time. If I leave now, I can get home in time to do some other errands.”
“Natalie,” her voice is soft. “Stop.”
“No, you stop!” I can’t take anymore. “I need to go grocery shopping. I have to do something, because if I stop, if I take a minute to pause, I’m going to go insane. Do you not see the irony?” I pause. “I’m pregnant—again. I’m having a miracle, and I’m going to lose my other one. I need food in the house. I need to clean so that the next time I see you, I’m prepared.”
/>
As much as I want to cry, I can’t. The tears sit on the cusp, but they won’t come. I need to keep moving and get ready for what seems to be inevitable in my life. Hope that was springing to life dies before it blooms. I should’ve known better than this. Liam warned me that his life would always be like this. He told me before we started this that he could die.
“Okay. You just don’t know anything yet. I’m here though. I trust in Mason and Liam. Don’t let fear lead you down a road you don’t need to be on.”
“I’m not scared. I’m just ready for the inevitable.”
I lied to myself over and over that I could handle that possibility. I can’t lose him. I can’t stand by his casket and relive that again. Respecting death is his deal, because if this plays out poorly, it’ll be my heart that never beats again.
“Lee . . .”
“No, I should go. I shouldn’t have asked you to tell me.”
Rea steps closer, “I would’ve been at your house in about five minutes. I promise I’ll call if I know anything. I have hope, Lee.”
She pulls me into her arms as I block out the fear. I can’t let myself go down this road. There’s too many variables and too much at stake. Hope doesn’t grant you wishes. It doesn’t paint you pretty pictures or give you a place of relief. It’s something we hold on to when we need something to believe in. I believe in truth and facts. Right now, the only thing I know is he’s missing and could be dead.
Once in the car, I head to the grocery store. I’m in a fog. People move around me, but I don’t notice. I just know that I need to keep going. My cart squeaks against the floor as I head through the aisles. I place things in the cart all the while desperately trying to feel a connection to him.
“Ma’am?” A woman in her early forties places her hand on my shoulder.
“Yes?” I ask.
“Are you okay?” The concern in her voice is soothing.
I look around and nod. “Yes, why?”
“You’ve been standing here for a few minutes and I don’t . . .” she trails off, and I look in the cart.
I’ve been just loading jars of peanut butter into the cart. There must be about fifteen of them. “I didn’t . . .” Embarrassment is laced in my tone.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” she explains.
I’m definitely not okay. I’m back almost two years ago to when my world crumbled around me. Sure, I made it through and I can do it again, but I’ll never recover. I won’t ever love again. There will be no healing, just being a mother to my two children. I’ll give them everything of me because they will be all that matters.
My hand presses against my small bump, and I pray this baby will know their father.
“He doesn’t even know,” I say aloud.
“The father?” The woman is still standing here concerned.
Tears flood my vision, and I nod. “He doesn’t even know I’m pregnant,” I say as they fall.
Her Navy Wife t-shirt lets me know she probably understands in some way. She doesn’t say a word as she pulls me into her arms. This stranger I’ve never met before comforts me in aisle three. I couldn’t cry before, and I don’t want to now, but I lose it. She rubs my back and lets my tears stain her shirt.
“Is he over there?” she asks and I tilt back.
I nod and look at her shoulder. “I’m so sorry,” I say and wipe under my eyes.
“Don’t be.” The kind woman smiles and waits a second before I nod. “Do you want me to stay for a minute?”
“No,” I smile. “I’ll be fine.”
She pats my hand, “I think I’ll just check this shelf out, I’m Lisa by the way.”
“Natalie,” I try to smile but it won’t come.
Lisa stands with me for a few minutes and helps me unload my cart of the jars. If something happens to him, I need to be prepared.
“Thank you,” I say hoping she knows it’s for more than helping restock the shelf.
“Sometimes we all need a little help,” she smiles and heads down the aisle. I watch, wishing I could say more. But she helped me more than she can imagine.
I arrive home with bags of God knows what, and Aaron is in the kitchen. “What are you doing here?”
He takes one look at me and his face falls. His brown eyes shimmer with fear, as he knows I went to get answers.
“What happened?” he asks worriedly. “I got a call from Reanell asking if I’d seen or heard from you. She told me I should talk to you.”
“They’ve lost coms,” I say with no emotion in my voice. I can’t muster anything. I’m a blank canvas on the easel. One call will define the color that gets painted and whether it’s filled with joy or sorrow. “I don’t want to think about it. I need to put this away and clean the house.”
Aaron begins to pace and it does nothing for my nerves. “Lee, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I can’t tell you how many times SEALs go dark for one reason or another. Sometimes it’s for safety and other times it’s because the equipment goes bad. It could be nothing.”
Something in Aaron’s eyes tells me he doesn’t think it’s nothing. “But you don’t think so, do you?”
“What did Rea tell you?”
“Just that Mason knew I’d be there and that was all she would say. You should go. I should probably make some meals, maybe get his car detailed, and start to get his stuff together.” I make a mental list.
There’s a lot to be done as I learned the first time.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself. Just wait it out. This is the choice you made, and you have to be ready to deal with it. If something didn’t happen to his mom, you’d never have known this.” He looks away.
“I did. I chose him. It doesn’t mean that if I lose him, I’ll regret anything. It means I’ll hurt and grieve all over again. Now, I need to make some meals and be ready.”
I start to walk away, but Aaron grabs my arm. “Goddammit, Lee, don’t you see? Don’t you see the life that you have to endure again? I can give you and Aarabelle the life that you deserve. I won’t leave again. You’ll never have to worry about any of this.” Aaron’s voice softens. “I won’t leave you. I’ll never hurt you again.”
“You’re doing it right now.” I rip my arm from his grasp and walk away.
Aarabelle runs into the kitchen to me, and I hoist her up. I hold on to my lifeline and anchor myself. I have to be strong. I need to believe that Liam is okay and that it’s only a problem with the equipment. Aara grips my face and gives me a kiss.
“It’ll be okay,” I say to her. “Mommy will be fine. Liam will call soon and then we’ll be okay.”
She lays her head on my shoulder, and I rub her back. I rock her back and forth, almost as if we’re dancing. “I love you, Aarabelle.”
“Yuv you,” she says in her tiny voice.
I inhale and memorize the baby smell that’s starting to leave her. This moment, in all my turmoil, Aarabelle is the light. I press my lips to her head and she sighs.
We stay like that for a few moments. I close my eyes, and enjoy this fragment in time. Suddenly, a cramp hits me hard. White blurs my vision as the pain radiates across my stomach. Every muscle tightens and then releases. I start to fall but catch myself right as another flash of pain hits.
“Aaron!” I let out a mangled scream and he rushes in.
Another one hits, and he barely grabs Aarabelle before I fold over. “Lee, what’s wrong?” The fear in his voice is clear.
“Oh my God, the baby!” I cry out as I hold on to the counter while my abdomen clenches. I lose my grip and fall to the floor holding my stomach protectively.
Aaron puts Aarabelle down and then I’m in his arms. He carries me tenderly with his eyes locked on mine. All the while, I watch the color drain from his face. Very gently he lays me on the couch as I pray another cramp doesn’t hit. The terror is splayed across his face because we both know what this could mean.
I look into his brown eyes, and he sweeps the hair off my face. “Just
stay still. I’ll call the doctor.”
I grab his arm as tears spill down my face. “I can’t lose this baby today. I can’t.”
His eyes close and he nods.
I fight the urge to go to the bathroom. I pray I won’t feel anything more. No pain, no blood, because it’ll put me over the edge. I’m barely hanging on to the ledge now. I have to muster any amount of courage I have, because this . . . this will kill me. If I lose Liam’s baby while he’s missing . . . I can’t let myself go there.
“No, she just crumpled over,” I hear Aaron explain over the phone. “I’m not sure if she’s bleeding.” A pause. “No, she’s not, but I’m with her now.” Aaron comes back into view and then heads back into the kitchen. “Okay, I’ll call again. Thanks.”
My voice isn’t there when I open my mouth. We both know what they said and now it’s up to my body to decide. Even if I am miscarrying, there’s no way to stop it. I’m too early and all I can do is stay off my feet.
He crouches down and rests on his knees. “Lee, you tell me what to do.”
“Stay and be my friend. Call Reanell and someone should call Liam’s father.”
“I’m sorry about before,” he says and shame is reflected in his eyes.
“You can’t keep doing this to me. I love him, and I’m going to be with him.”
“I wish you didn’t, but I won’t hurt you anymore.”
I grip his hand and try to get him to hear me. Right now, I only have enough strength to worry about one thing. “If you love me, you have to let me be happy. You signed the divorce papers and said you understood. And right now, I can’t talk about all of this. It’s too much.”
“I know. I thought if I let you go willingly, you’d find your way back.” Aaron’s hand falls as do his shoulders. “I want you to be happy. I love you enough for that and for Aarabelle. As much as this sucks, Liam is a good man and he’ll be a good father.”
My hand rests on my belly and I pray he’ll get to be a father to our baby as well. I already know the kind of man he is and how he treats Aarabelle when she’s not even his. He loves her with his whole heart. “I’m scared,” I admit.
Conviction (Consolation Duet #2) Page 16