“But what?”
“I want to be more. I want to be better. You make me want to be that way.”
“Well, I don’t seem to be doing a very good job of it, for as far as I can see, nothing has changed. You make fun at other people’s expense, and then think that an apology can make everything better. Well, that won’t work with me, Elijah. Not anymore. You are not the man that I thought you were, that I thought you could be. I promised my grandmother when she passed that I would never settle, that I would live the life I wanted, that I would find the most happiness that I could ask for. I thought…” her voice caught, but she swallowed the sob and carried on, “I thought that could be with you, but I was wrong. Now, please move. Let me leave. Let me go back to my life — the life that may not be the Christmas fairy tale to be found here at Briercrest, but is a life that I made for myself and that I deserve. Can you do that? Please?”
He didn’t move for a moment. His head lifted and his eyes caught hers, and for a moment what she saw was such pain, pleading, and supplication that she nearly apologized, gave in, and told him that she had been wrong and that she would choose her desperate longing for him over her own happiness.
But she remembered her grandmother, remembered her words of always choosing what would bring happiness. And she held strong.
“Very well,” he said quietly, “if that is what you want.”
She could only nod.
He dipped his head, stepped to the side, and she picked up her bag and ran out of his life forever.
* * *
Joanna could hardly breathe. She was running away from the house, down the path to the stables, knowing she would have to rely on the benevolence of one of the grooms to take her as far as the next town, where she could catch a mail coach and return to London, far away from Briercrest and all of the promises and memories it held within it.
She had no idea how she had managed to keep herself together when she confronted Elijah, but now out here, in the icy coldness of the day, the tears began to flow, hot and wet, so at odds with the crispness in the air.
She was so blinded by her tears that she didn’t even see what was in front of her until she heard a voice cut through her despair.
“Joanna? Joanna! What’s wrong?”
“C-Caroline?” she managed, stumbling into the stables, blinking rapidly in time to see Caroline and Thatcher, standing next to one of the horse stalls. “What are you doing here? What’s going on? What?”
“After everything that happened, Elijah convinced us to come home,” Caroline said, exchanging a look with Thatcher. “After he left us, he told us he was going to collect you at the inn, ride home with you, and then would meet us here in the stables after he had a chance to talk to our parents, to try to soften them for our return. We traveled home with Alex in the sleigh.”
“I don’t understand. What do you mean, after everything that happened?” Joanna demanded, suddenly so confused and wondering if she had been tricked again. It seemed she could no longer separate truth from fiction. “When did you see Elijah?”
“You don’t know?” Caroline asked, her eyes widening, and Joanna shook her head fiercely.
“But I thought you had returned to Briercrest — that you and Eli rode home together. That’s what Alex told us after we made it to the inn. Eli had been at the carriage.”
“We had an accident,” Thatcher said gruffly, pushing off from the post he had been leaning against. “Caroline was injured.”
Joanna gasped, her eyes running over her friend. “Oh, Caroline, are you all right? How did it happen? What did you hurt? Why—”
“I’m fine,” Caroline said, before she and Thatcher told the story of how the mail coach had hit some ice and overturned. Caroline had been knocked around, and Thatcher had been overly concerned, calling for the physician.
“But what did you injure?” Joanna asked, curious as to how her friend could have been so gravely hurt and yet was now standing here before her.
“I…” Caroline and Thatcher exchanged a look before Caroline leaned in to her, lowering her voice, “I’m expecting.”
“What?” Joanna practically shouted, and Caroline lifted a finger to her lips.
“Please, Jo, keep it a secret?” she pleaded. “We would prefer that no one was aware until after we were married, for we don’t want anyone to think that this is why we are marrying.”
“Of course,” Joanna said, but then stepped toward her and wrapped her arms around Caroline. “Congratulations. I’m so happy for you. And I assume the baby is fine, then?”
“As far as we know,” Caroline said with a small smile, and Joanna took a deep breath. “But Joanna, how did you not know about it? When Thatcher found Elijah at the inn, Eli rushed to help, but said that Alex remained, and that he would explain all to you. When we returned to the inn, you and Eli were both gone. Alex said you had ridden back to Briercrest together.”
A thick curl of apprehension began to snake through Joanna’s stomach.
“I—… did see Alex,” she said, her voice almost a whisper, “but he didn’t tell me any of that.”
“What did he say?” Caroline demanded, her eyes narrowing.
“He said…” Joanna swallowed. Caroline was her best friend in the world. They didn’t keep secrets from one another, and yet Elijah and Alex were her brothers. “Alex said that my time with Elijah was the result of a bet that the two of them had made. That Elijah cared nothing for me and that this was just another of his pranks. Oh Caroline…” she said, a hand coming to her forehead as realization washed over her in a wave, “what have I done?”
“What did you do?”
“I saw Elijah… told him that I could never be with him, that he wasn’t the man I had thought he was, that he hadn’t changed and I could never be happy with the likes of him. Pushed right past him and out the door. And he… he let me go.”
“Oh dear,” Caroline said, biting her lip. “It was all a great misunderstanding.”
“Yes,” Joanna said, but hesitated, “except that I could have chosen to believe in him. To trust in who he was over what Alex tried to make me believe.”
“It’s not your fault—” Caroline began, but Joanna was already shaking her head.
“It is my fault, though, Caro,” she said, and then looked up at her friend in supplication. “What should I do?”
“What do you want to do?” Caroline asked her frankly.
“I want…” A horse whinnied from the stall over, as though encouraging her, and Joanna took a breath. “I want to be with Elijah, truly I do. But I have no idea if he feels for me as I do for him. And he let me go so easily…” she paused, hesitating, and Caroline reached over and placed her hands on Joanna’s shoulders.
“I have never, in my life, seen Elijah as happy as he is when he is with you. I think, Joanna, that you have to take a chance. Hope for a little Christmas magic. Put your trust in Elijah and what he feels for you, in who the two of you can be together. Trust me,” she looked back at Thatcher, “it’s worth it.”
“You’re right,” she said, a glimmer of hope beginning to form and flicker. “I will try.”
She looked up at Caroline. “I have an idea,” she said, “but it will take some time. Will you promise not to share that I am here?”
“You are going to stay then?” Caroline said hopefully.
“For a time, at least.” Joanna nodded. “I have to make things right. And I want to be here for you if you need me.”
“Very well,” Caroline said, her brown eyes serious. “I don’t know if anything will have changed,” she said with a deep breath. “But Elijah has convinced us to try.”
Joanna squeezed her hands. “I must go before Elijah comes back for you. I will be in my room if you need me. Please tell me how everything goes with your family. Once they know how in love you are… I hope they will understand.”
“Me too,” Caroline said fervently. “Me too.”
Chapter 21
While h
e hadn’t had any wish to face his family at the moment, Elijah had promised Caroline that he would do what he could. And while he wanted nothing more than to hide away in his rooms and drown himself in his misery, he had promised his sister. If he could see one happy outcome from today, then perhaps he could convince himself there was still some vestige of hope for love in this world.
It had nearly crushed him when he had heard Joanna’s words, when he saw that while she had been deeply hurt, it was because she had no belief in him whatsoever.
He had let her go when he realized that he would never be good enough for her, that he could never overcome the shadow of his past that he carried around.
He had almost forgotten his promise to his sister after his conversation with Joanna, but a glance out the window, the stables in his view, reminded him of their plan. If he couldn’t have Joanna, he would make sure his sister’s Christmas wish came true. He had spoken to his father, and while he didn’t have any promises, there was an inkling of hope.
He ducked into the stables to find Caroline and Thatcher.
“Took you long enough,” she called out to him as he walked in. “We’re quite close to freezing in here.”
“Oh, it’s warm and you know it,” he countered. “Besides, it’s time for you to come in, anyway.”
Caroline looked at him with consternation.
“He said no, didn’t he?” she asked, her face falling, and she reached behind her and took Thatcher’s hand in hers. “We’re leaving, then, Eli. Come, Samuel, let’s go before—”
“No, Caro, wait,” Elijah said, holding out a hand. “That’s not it at all. Father does want to talk to you, and I think it’s a good thing.”
“Really?” she said, lifting a brow beneath her wool cap. “Then why are you looking as though we’ve lost the war?”
Because he had lost Joanna, the best thing that had ever happened to him.
“Nothing to do with you,” he said with a quick shake of his head. “Come.”
He hoped for his sister that the reunion between her and his parents would be a joyful one, but as it happened, he didn’t have the opportunity to witness their reaction, for his father asked for a moment alone with Caroline. Both Elijah and Thatcher attempted to accompany her, but she turned to them, shaking her head.
“Thank you both, but I shall be fine,” she said with a small, brave smile before stepping into his office.
Elijah and Thatcher shared a look, before Elijah tilted his head to the side, then motioned for Thatcher to follow him into the parlor that shared a wall with his father’s study.
This room wasn’t often used, and despite the fact that it had been opened up for this house party, a musty odor lingered, one that even a good cleaning couldn’t quite remove.
Eli lifted a finger to his lips, then led Thatcher over to the side wall, collecting two hardback chairs on the way. He pointed up toward the ceiling, to where the transom window overtop of the door was slightly ajar.
They took a seat, and sure enough, soon his father’s voice came through the window at the top.
“Caroline,” he said, his voice gruff from years of smoke curling around his throat, “I am very disappointed in you.”
There was a pause.
“I understand, Father, but you must understand something as well. I love Samuel Thatcher, and I am going to be with him, despite what you think. I know he is a footman, but he is a good man — the best man I have ever known. I love him, and—”
“Caroline,” her father’s voice was softer now, “that is not why I am disappointed. It saddens me that you would think that to be the case.”
“Then what—”
“I am disappointed that you would run away from the family. Especially during Christmastide. We had no idea where you were, if you were safe, or what had become of you. If Elijah hadn’t realized that Miss Merryton had gone with you, we would have been most frightened. I—” his voice broke, and Elijah started. He hadn’t been aware that his father possessed such depth of emotion. “I was worried I had lost you forever.”
“Oh, Father,” Caroline said, and Elijah could picture the two of them embracing.
He snuck a look at Thatcher, who was running a hand through his hair, his eyes wide and incredulous. Elijah didn’t blame him.
“Now,” Eli’s father said, obviously sufficiently recovered, “if you are sure you want to marry Thatcher—”
“Oh, I am, Father, I am.”
“—then we had best start making some arrangements.”
Elijah could only sit there, his eyes wide as he listened to it all.
He had been so hurt by Joanna’s inability to believe in him that he had forgotten one thing — how much he loved her. How much he hoped she loved him.
He had to put his hurt feelings aside and understand that past misdeeds could cause great present misunderstandings. But things could change, people could change, and they needed to work through this — together.
If Caroline and a footman could have a future, then surely so could he and Joanna?
“I have to go,” he whispered to Thatcher, who nodded and stood, following him out of the parlor.
He reached out his hand, and when Thatcher took it, he pumped his arm up and down a few times. If the war had taught Elijah anything, it was that a man was not made by his station. Thatcher seemed a good enough sort, and if he was Caroline’s choice, then he would welcome him as a brother-in-law.
“Best of luck,” he said, and then turned to go.
“Same to you,” Thatcher called after him, and when Elijah looked back, he caught his knowing grin.
He would pack his bag, and then he would go find Joanna. He couldn’t let her go again.
* * *
Joanna had never sewn so fast or furiously in her life. Thank goodness all of the other costumes were ready. It was just Elijah’s she had to perfect.
She found Caroline’s maid, Mary, who was astonished to find Joanna within the house. She had many questions, of course, but Joanna just shook her head as she told her that she would reveal all later.
“Right now, we need to get these costumes to where they need to go,” she said, and Mary nodded, although Joanna could tell that she was fighting her curiosity.
Arms loaded, Mary continued to carry the costumes, delivering them to the appropriate rooms. On her last visit to Joanna’s room, she took in her hands the one remaining costume.
“For Lord Elijah,” she said, and the girl held it out in front of her, staring at it,
“It’s perfect for him,” she said with a surprised glance at Joanna and Joanna smiled softly.
“It is, isn’t it?”
If only he would understand just what she thought of him, and how she loved the man he truly was.
* * *
Elijah had no idea what to pack. What did one take with him to London to chase down the woman he loved?
Warm clothes, he decided, looking out the window as he stuffed another greatcoat in his bag.
There was a knock at the door and he called out for whoever was there to enter. He was surprised to find a maid standing in the doorway.
“Lord Elijah?”
She held in her hand a bundle of fabric, and he couldn’t help but tilt his head to try to determine just what it was that she held.
“Yes?” he said, impatient to get on with it. He would prefer to catch Joanna sooner rather than later. One never knew what the weather held.
“I have something for you, my lord, a costume.”
“I won’t be here for the Twelfth Night celebration,” he muttered, trying not to rush the maid out the door but wanting to nevertheless. “It can go to someone else.”
“She said it was for you specifically.”
“Who said that?”
“Miss Merryton, my lord,” the maid said, and when he took a closer look at her, he realized the girl’s eyes were practically shining.
“When did you see her?” he demanded, and the girl shrank back from him
ever so slightly.
“Ah… just a few moments ago?”
Joanna. She’s still here. “Did she say anything else?”
“Just that she looked forward to seeing you in it this evening.”
“Thank you,” he said, taking the garment from her, suddenly needing to see it immediately. He unfurled it, allowing it to lie down across the bed. It stared up at him as though it had life within it. He swallowed hard.
It was the costume of Joe Giber, the king’s jester, as had always been planned, he could tell, but it wasn’t the typical costume. There was more to it… the sparkling gold along the edges, the crown, the red cape as though he was the king himself. The jester… and the king, together? It made no sense. Unless… unless she was trying to send a message.
Elijah stood there for a moment, stunned, unsure, but then he flew into motion as fast as he could.
He called out for his valet, hoping the man would come speedily. He was there shortly, and the good, steady fellow didn’t comment on Elijah’s absence nor the valise packed on the floor, nor the costume he immediately wished to wear.
He had no idea what time the festivities would begin, for he hadn’t been planning on attending. He no longer cared, however, for Joanna would be there, waiting for him. He sincerely hoped she would be wearing the costume of the queen she was, the queen he knew her to be despite what she might otherwise think.
He wondered what it meant that she hadn’t left. Had she determined that whatever was between them was greater than his faults?
The fact that this costume was both jester and king told him that she understood that some aspects about him were never going to change… but that she accepted him for it anyway.
Or so he hoped.
* * *
“Joanna?”
“Caroline!”
Joanna drew her friend into the room and enveloped her in an embrace. “Did you speak to your father?”
“I did.” Caroline’s face was radiant. “Oh, Joanna, you might never believe it, but he has actually accepted the fact that I will wed Thatcher and has even given us his blessing. We are to be married once the banns are well and properly read.”
Merry Misrule Page 16