The Hallucigenia Project

by Darren Kasenkow

  Lifting an aching arm he ran his fingers through his hair, watching as his friend crawled his way from the blankets and out to the kitchen where his food bowls lay. Knowing they were probably empty, John figured his time in bed had come to an end.

  With the bowls replenished he switched on the kettle and threw three spoons of coffee into a dirty mug. As his senses began to pulse with low levels of electricity his eyes caught the computer on the table, and with it came the memory of what he’d discovered in the dark of night. The whole thing seemed ridiculous to him now. Sipping the bitter brew he made his way into the living room ready to stare out the window and see what the weather had in store.

  An envelope had been slid under the front door. Whoever had made the effort obviously knew him well enough, considering he almost never checked his mail box. What kind of good news was ever delivered with a stamp?

  He took another sip of coffee, leaned back onto the sofa and tore the package open. Low and behold, in his hands were freshly printed divorce papers. They sure packed a punch considering they weighed next to nothing. He read through the document and felt the muscles in his stomach tighten. How the fuck could it come to this? The day had barely started and here he was holding another part of his life on a way one trip to destruction. The sudden emotions that were ready to boil were bad enough, but a razor sharp thought was quick to cut through. The divorce, if it went ahead, was going to cripple him financially. The cost of a lawyer alone was going to break the bank, and even then there’d be a settlement that would strip him of assets. Judging by what it said in the paperwork, it wouldn’t be long before he and Bobbie would need to sell the house and find somewhere else to live. If the new day that had greeted him had a heart, he’d use his bare hands to rip it out and teeth to tear it to pieces.

  In the kitchen he could hear his phone vibrating. He threw the papers to the ground and retrieved it, reading through the message he’d just received.

  “Hi John. Congratulations on your decision to redefine what it is to be alive. Meeting is scheduled in six days time. Details will be forwarded shortly. We look forward to learning about you. Hallucigenia Project.”

  With a searing rage crawling across his skin he had to fight the urge to hurl the phone against the wall. An unseen darkness pushed against his chest from the inside, leaving each breath a sudden struggle. As pathetic as he knew it was he wished he hadn’t exhausted his pill supply, his thoughts quickly turning to chemical oblivion. For a split second before he’d grabbed the phone he actually thought that it might have been Felicity telling him that she’d made a mistake, and that he should just throw the divorce papers away. Even carrying another man’s baby, he somehow held on to the absolutely insane desire to fix what was well and truly broken.

  A sudden gust of wind rattled the tin roof and shook the kitchen window. He stood motionless and stared down at the floor. In a few hours he’d be holding a prescription that would once again give him the opportunity to check the hell out, so there was no point crumbling just yet. Besides, Bobbie was just about out of kitty litter. The day may have reinforced the fact that his life was gurgling down the drain with increasing speed, but at least Bobbie took him for who he was and all the damage he carried. Some fresh kitty litter was the least he could do for the friend that had stuck with him through all of the carnage.

  Breaking from the self induced trance he marched to the front door and stepped out into the cold, whipping wind. Overhead the dark sky was swirling and threatening, whilst straight ahead the ocean was awash with a thunderous swell and windswept foam. He took several deep breaths before sitting down in the sand to watch the endless cycle of growing and crashing waves. The rage was still there but sudden exposure to the elements seemed to hold back its domination. Transfixed by the display of power before him, he wondered what he was supposed to do now that the sliver of hope he’d held onto had slipped away. The truth, he was forced to admit, was that he didn’t know.

  There was no telling how long he’d sat there, but the dark thoughts he harboured and tended were broken when he felt a presence behind him. Jerked back into the moment he looked over his shoulder and saw the blue uniform he’d once known so well. With hat held tightly in his hand at the risk of the wind claiming ownership, Craig appeared somewhat awkward as he navigated his heavy black boots through the sand. He stood well over six foot with broad shoulders and arms that almost looked too big for his body. A soft attempt at a smile creased his sun weathered face. When he was close enough to John he crouched down and locked his hands together, resting them on his knees. His voice was deep and throaty, the kind that could become deafening in an instant.

  “I knocked on your door but you didn’t answer. Your car was there and the backdoor was open, so I figured you might be out here. How you been keeping John?”

  “Since when are you on the day shift?” John asked, turning his attention back to the water.

  “Been just over a month now. Still not sleeping right.”

  John knew all too well what he meant. “The crossover’s a bitch, that’s for sure.”

  “Yeah, you got that straight. You holding up okay?”

  “If by okay you mean am I still out of my fucking mind, then I guess I’m doing okay.”

  “Felicity called me,” Craig revealed while reaching down to grab a handful of sand that he let fall through his fingers. “She said that maybe I should come down and see you, make sure you’re holding it together.”

  “Did she tell you?” John asked with traces of spite dripping along the words.

  “About the divorce? Yeah, she told me.” He grabbed another handful of sand. “I’m real sorry for the way things have turned out mate, no man should have to go through the shit you’ve been dealt. But you need to keep it together, keep your mind locked up tight until this is all nothing but a bad dream. And that’s what it’ll be mate, just a bad dream.”

  “It’s already a bad dream, that’s the problem.”

  “Maybe. Still, at the end of the day it is what it is. You don’t have to believe me, but if there’s anyone that can get through a shit storm like this it’s you. It may not seem like it now, but things will come around sooner or later.” He brought his hands back together and stared out onto the ocean. “If it makes you feel any better, we managed to grab two more from the syndicate. Won’t be long before one of them talks. When they do, we’ll be taking the whole fucking lot of ‘em down.”

  “Arresting those pricks won’t change what happened, so you’ll have to forgive me for not jumping up and down with joy.”

  “Just thought you should know.”

  John realized he was being short for no valid reason and sighed. He’d known Craig since the days they’d believed they could actually make a difference, and he sure as hell didn’t deserve the attitude he’d received so far.

  “Didn’t need to snap mate. That’s good news, really.”

  “Gets better. One of them copped a bullet in the groin when he discovered he was heading to jail for the rest of his life and tried one on. Damn thing tore through his spine. He won’t walk again, not in this lifetime anyway.”

  The memories were starting to form again, tightening John’s fists.

  “If there was any real justice they wouldn’t even make it to court. Accidents happen every day.”

  “I hear ya.” Craig went silent for a moment, as though unsure how to continue. When he did finally speak his voice was a little softer. “Doesn’t matter who was in that situation, the outcome probably would have been the same. I know it can’t be easy, and you’ve no doubt already heard it a thousand times, but there’s no reason in hell to be blaming yourself. All we can do is our job, and in our job days and events just don’t go to plan no matter how badly we want them to.”

  “I shouldn’t have waited to fire. A second earlier and he would’ve made it.”

  “There’s a million fucking plays in hindsight. Considering we have to make decisions in a split second, you’ll always find bett
er ways with the benefit of time. The only problem is that doesn’t get you anywhere except beating yourself up day in and day out. Looking back isn’t in our job description. There ain’t nobody with a badge that thinks they could’ve handled the situation any better. So what I’m trying to say is, switch off the movie in your head. Move forward. Try to find a way to make peace with the fact that you were put in a no win situation.”

  “It is what it is,” John replied, “and I don’t think the memory’s gonna be leaving any time soon.”

  “Nobody said it’ll happen soon, but it’ll happen.” Craig rested a hand on John’s shoulder. “And I wish you and Felicity had a way of sorting things out, but I don’t think it’s meant to be.”

  John laughed and leaned back onto his elbows. “As of this morning that train is well and truly gone. An as for how long I’ve got the house, well, that’s anybody’s guess. Things are about to get real messy.”

  “No doubt they are. How’s the investigating side of things? You getting plenty of work? Last time we talked you were turning jobs down.”

  John turned his attention to his friend.

  “Things are keeping me busy I guess, which is about all I can ask for.” He rose to his feet and brushed the sand from his hands. “I appreciate you coming down mate, seriously. You don’t need to worry about anything though. Me and Bobbie, we’ll work out a way to keep our heads above water.”

  “I have no doubt you will.” Craig extended his arm and was rewarded with a firm handshake. “You just need to remember I’m only ever a call away, copy that?”

  “Yeah, copy that.”

  “I best get back on the road.”

  With nothing more to be said John watched his former colleague head back across the sand and out of sight. If the circumstances had been a little different he might’ve done the right thing and invite him up into the house, but they weren’t. Regardless, there was someone else he needed to see.

  Chapter 5

  As far as doctors went, Dillon Burke wasn’t exactly the kind of operator that was celebrated in the medical community. In fact, it was probably more an oversight than performance indicator that he was still allowed to practise medicine. His jet black hair was brushed back with perfection and was in stark contrast to an acne scarred face and constantly blood shot eyes. The office was over populated with plastic ferns and other assorted plants, leaving John feeling as though he was sitting in a travel agent rather than a doctor’s surgery. The fact that Burke chose to wear a faded Hawaiian shirt beneath his coat didn’t exactly help to displace the ambience.

  As though the day couldn’t get any worse, for the first time since he’d become a patient the doctor was trying to push back against his request. Little did he know though, John had no intention of leaving empty handed.

  “Listen doc,” he announced while leaning forward on the cheaply made chair. “It’s not for me to come here and tell you your job, but that script is the difference between sleeping like a normal human being or throwing my brain to the wolves. Next time we can talk about trying something different but now, today, isn’t the time.”

  Doctor Burke slowly shook his head. “John, you’ve been going through way too many. The last script I gave you should’ve lasted for at least another two weeks.”

  “I can’t help if the bottle got thrown out by accident,” he lied.

  “Please, let’s not play silly games like that. You need to understand I’m being watched like a hawk right now, and sending you off with another month’s supply of diazepam isn’t going to make my life any easier.”

  “I’m not paying to make your life comfortable. I’m paying to make mine bearable.”

  “You’re not listening.” Burke shook his head and laid his hands on the desk. “There are other medications we can try that will help to achieve the same goal, stuff with a lot less side effects I might add. And, incidentally, you’re right. It is my job to assist you to make things bearable, as you put it, and part of that process is managing the sort of chemicals that will hopefully be effective. But short term fixes are just that, short term.”

  “If you’re being watched like a hawk it probably has something to do with the fact your eyes are glazed over every time I’m here.” Making that observation isn’t going to help, he thought while attempting to smile. “I’ll make a deal with you Doctor Burke. Help me out with what I need today and I promise I’ll give something else a try next time.”

  With eyes like a startled cat Burke appeared deep in thought, finally responding in a low and monotone voice.

  “I’ll make a deal with you John, but with different terms. You’ll get your piece of paper, but this is your last time at the clinic. I can arrange a referral if you like, but you’ll need to find someone else to manage your situation.”

  “I can live with that.”

  Burke printed out one final script and slid it across the desk. Figuring there was nothing more that needed to be said John nodded thanks, grabbed the green slip of paper and saw himself out. A quick glance at the notes caused his eyebrows to rise. It was for a three month supply, a far cry from what he’d been expecting when he’d first walked through the door.

  Outside the dark heavens had erupted with yet another torrent of rain that whipped and jerked in the wind. Thankfully the pharmacy was only a few doors down, and with the skin on his face rapidly dropping in temperature he dashed to the counter before returning to the downpour with three freshly filled bottles. Maybe, just maybe, the day wasn’t a total disaster.

  It was a five minute walk back to the car. Thanks to the broken window icy cold water had formed a pool on the seat. He did what he could to wipe it away and settled behind the wheel. With the bottles in his pocket breathing life to a strange wanting he inserted the key and turned.

  Nothing.

  He turned the key once more, and still the engine remained silent. The rage that had been simmering since he’d opened his eyes began to burn the inside of his veins. Water lashed at the windscreen. In an attempt to avoid losing control he closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath, holding it firm in his lungs for as long as he could. Then, offering a silent prayer, he tried the ignition again. In return for his effort he was rewarded with the appearance of several red lights across the dashboard. He slammed his hands against the wheel and clenched his jaw tight. The car was going nowhere.

  The water on the seat had pushed through his jeans and was now spreading across the back of his legs. He had a decision to make. He could stand out there in the rain and try to pretend to know what he might be looking for in the engine bay, or he could put the keys back in his pocket and hail a cab. Or, he figured, he could grab the tire iron from beneath the seat and proceed to beat the living hell out of the car.

  With rage growing stronger it was the third option that seemed the most desirable, but the violent thoughts were suddenly interrupted by his phone. It seemed the day was determined to take him by the hand to the edge of sanity. At first he was more than prepared to just let the damn thing ring, to simply ignore whoever it was that felt now was the perfect time for a chat. Against his better judgement though, and perhaps somewhat influenced the position he’d suddenly found himself in, he slid a wet finger across the screen.

  “This had better be good,” he spat into the microphone.

  “I’m sorry if I’ve caught you at a bad time.” Sebastian’s tone seemed on edge. “My plan was to try to reach you later this afternoon, but I’m afraid I overestimated the time frames we’re dealing with.”

  “Well you’re talking to me now, so might as well get to the point.”

  “Yes, I think you may be right.”

  “Okay,” John instigated after several silent seconds, “what did you want to tell me?”

  Sebastian cleared his throat though the words still sounded like a man desperate for water. “It’s not so much what I want to tell you, but what I have to ask. Will you take the job?”

  Memories of the strange visit the day before came ru
shing back. John scratched at his temple and tried the key one more time. Still nothing. How the hell was he supposed to make a decision on a day that was determined to rip him to pieces?

  “Look,” he said with a hint of resignation, “I’m sorry for what’s happened with your wife, really I am, but I don’t think I’m the guy for the job. If I had a bit more time, maybe I could consider it. I’m sorry, but maybe you should find someone else.”

  “I understand that this has all come about quite quickly, but I have two problems you see. The first is that you’re the person I want for the job, and the second is that I need you to leave a little earlier than expected. There’s a dinner being held before the seminar and I think it’ll be the best way to get close to the group. So what I’m trying to say is, I need you to leave tomorrow. I’ll add fifty thousand dollars. That’s fifty thousand dollars up front and separate to the overall payment. What do you say?”

  John’s fingers squeezed the edges of the phone. That sort of money would go a long way towards solving some his problems, both new and old. But leaving tomorrow? He couldn’t even be sure that was possible, even if he decided to go. Still, could he say no to that sort of money?

  “You seriously want me to drop everything and jump on a plane tomorrow? Why do I have the feeling there’s more to this situation than you’re willing to let on?”

  “There’s nothing I can gain by holding cards close to my chest. No doubt you took a look at the website, and I’m guessing it left you just as confused as it did me. Thanks to a few phone calls and a little digging, I found out about a dinner being held for the kind of people that move in my circles. That, my friend, is about all the extra information I have.”

  “Then it seems like you’ve got another problem. I’m hardly the sort of guy that hangs out in your kind of circles.”