by Jeff Kinney
Sincerely, Greg"
I think it's dumb that Madame Lefrere won't let us use e-mail with our pen pals. Albert Murphy has already written back and forth with his pen pal a bunch of times, and it's costing them a lot of money in stamps.
[Image: Three notes for the boys.] "Dear Jacques- How old are you?
Dear Albert, 12.
Dear Jacques- Oh."
COST: $14
114
Friday
Tonight, Rowley's parents went out to dinner, so they got him a babysitter.
I don't know why Rowley can't just watch himself for a few hours, but believe me I'm not complaining. Rowley's babysitter is Heather Hills, and she's the prettiest girl at Crossland High School.
So whenever the Jeffersons go out, I always make sure to be up at Rowley's for "story time."
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to the boy and girl on the sofa] "Can you scooch over a little bit?
Sorry... There's really not enough room."
I went up to Rowley's at about 8:00 tonight. I even splashed on some of Rodrick's cologne to make sure I made a good impression on Heather.
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I knocked on the door and waited for Heather to answer. But I was caught a little off guard when Rowley's next-door neighbor Leland answered instead.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking surprised as a man opens the door.] "Hello! Scream!!!"
I can't believe Rowley's parents switched babysitters from Heather to LELAND. They should've at least checked with me before doing something stupid like THAT.
Once I realized Heather wasn't there, I turned around to go back home. But Rowley asked me if I wanted to hang out and play Magick and Monsters with him and Leland.
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The only reason I said "yes" was because I thought it was some kind of video game. But then I found out that you play it with pencils and paper and these special dice, and that you're supposed to use your "imagination" or whatever.
It actually turned out to be pretty fun, mostly because in Magick and Monsters you can do all sorts of stuff you could never do in real life.
[Image: A cartoon of a man and two children playing a game.] "I light Rowley's eyebrows with a torch. OUUUCHHH..."
When I got home, I told Mom all about Magick and Monsters and how Leland was a really awesome Dungeon Keeper. Rodrick overheard me talking about Leland, and he said that Leland is the biggest nerd at his high school.
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But this is coming from a guy who spends his Saturday nights putting fake throw-up on people's cars in the Home Depot parking lot. So I think I'll just take Rodrick's opinion with a grain of salt.
[Image: A cartoon of a man looking at his dirty car and two men peeping from behind the bundle of hay.] "What the heck?
Har har har!"
Wednesday
I've been going up to Leland's house every day after school to play Magick and Monsters. I was headed up there again today when Mom stopped me at the door.
Mom has been acting real suspicious of this whole Magick and Monsters thing.
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And from the questions she's been asking me, I guess she must think Leland is teaching me and Rowley witchcraft or something. So today, Mom said she wanted to go WITH me to Leland's to watch us play.
I BEGGED Mom not to come, because first of all I knew she would never approve of all the violence in the game.
[Image: A cartoon of a man telling about a treasure chest, throwing arrows at the wizard and a dacoit, to the two boys.]
And second of all, I knew that having her in the room would totally ruin the whole experience for everyone.
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When I begged Mom not to join us, it made her even MORE suspicious. So now there was no changing her mind.
Rowley and Leland couldn't have cared less that Mom came with me. But I couldn't enjoy myself, because I felt like a total dork playing in front of her.
[Image: A cartoon of parents looking at the game which the two children were playing.] "Uh...My wizard talroc utters the spell of talrune."
I figured Mom would eventually get bored and just go home, but she stuck around. And right when I thought she was finally gonna leave, Mom said that SHE wanted to join in the game.
So Leland started setting up a character for Mom, even though I was trying to signal to him that it was a big mistake.
120
When Leland created a character for Mom, Mom told Leland she wanted HER character to be MY character's mother in the game.
I did some quick thinking and told Mom that all the characters in Magick and Monsters are orphans, so she couldn't be my mother.
And Mom believed me. But then she asked Leland if she could NAME her character "Mom," and he said "yes."
I have to give Mom credit for figuring out that loophole, but it totally ruined the rest of the game for me.
[Image: A cartoon of the children talking to their parents about the game.] "I hand a turkey leg to..." mom.
Thank you, Sweetie!"
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Even though Mom wasn't technically my mother in the game, she sure ACTED like she was.
At this one point, our characters were hanging out in a tavern waiting for a spy to arrive, and my dwarf, Grimlon, ordered a pint of mead. Mead is sort of like beer in Magick and Monsters, and I guess Mom didn't approve of THAT.
[Image: A cartoon, the mother is making up a story in the game.] "Mom accidentally bumps Grimlon's arm and spills his drink."
The worst part of the game was when we got into a battle situation. See, the whole point of Magick and Monsters is that you're supposed to kill as many monsters as possible so you can get points and move up in levels.
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But I don't really think Mom got that concept.
[Image: A cartoon of the father telling the kids about the monsters in the story.] "You run into a pack of orcs... and they look hungry!"
[Image: A cartoon of the children looking scared as the mother keeps on speaking.] "We give them all of our food!"
After about an hour of things going like this, I decided to quit. So I gathered up my stuff, and me and Mom headed home.
123
On the way back, Mom was really talking up Magick and Monsters, saying how it could help me with my "math skills" and stuff like that. All I can say is, I hope she isn't planning on becoming a regular at these games. Because the first chance I get, "Mom" is getting handed over to a pack of Orcs.
Thursday
After school today, Mom took me to the bookstore and bought just about every Magick and Monsters book on the shelf. She must've dropped about $200, and she didn't even make me cash in a single Mom Buck.
[Image: A cartoon of a mother buying books for her son in the shop.]
I realized maybe I judged Mom a little too quick, and maybe it wasn't such a bad thing having her in our group after all.
124
I was all set to take my new books up to Leland's, but that's when I found out there was a catch.
Mom actually bought all those books so me and RODRICK could play Magick and Monsters together. She said it was a good way for the two of us to work out our differences.
Mom told Rodrick she wanted him to be the Dungeon Keeper, just like Leland. Then she dumped the pile of books on Rodrick's bed and told him to start studying up.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy lying in the bed and his mother showing him a book.]
It was bad enough playing in front of Mom at Leland's house, but I knew playing with Rodrick would be about ten times worse.
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Mom was serious about me and Rodrick playing together, so I knew I was gonna have to go through with it. I spent about an hour up in my room making up characters with names Rodrick couldn't make fun of, like "Joe" and "Bob."
[Image: A cartoon of a boy writing something in the books.]
Once I was finished, I met Rodrick in the kitchen, and we started our game.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys at the study table.] "You and your group o
f nerds fall into a pit and it's full of dynamite and you blow up. The end."
I guess I should be grateful that it was over with quickly. And I just hope Mom saved her receipts on those books.
126
Friday
The teachers have really been cracking down on kids copying off of each other this year. Remember how I said I was glad I got put next to Alex Aruda in Pre-Algebra? Well, THAT hasn't done me any good.
Mrs. Lee is my Pre-Algebra teacher, and I'm guessing she also had Rodrick when he was in middle school. Because that woman watches me like a HAWK.
Sometimes I think it would be really cool if I had a glass eye or something like that. First of all, I could use it to play all sorts of wacky tricks on my friends.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy throwing something at his friend to catch.] "Here catch!
Ok! What is it?"
But the main thing I'd use it for is to help me get better grades.
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On the first day of school, I'd aim my glass eye down like this:
[Image: A cartoon of a boy.] "Glass eye
Real eye"
Then I'd go up to the teacher and say, "Listen, I just wanted to tell you I have a glass eye. So don't go thinking I'm looking at other people's papers."
[Image: A cartoon of a man at the table talking to the boy.] "Okee Doke. Thanks for letting me know."
Then, during a test, I'd aim my glass eye down at my OWN paper, and I'd look at some brainy kid's paper with my REAL eye.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy trying to cheat from the boys copy during test.]
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I could copy away! And the teacher would be too dumb to notice.
[Image: A cartoon of a man.] "That poor glass eye kid."
Unfortunately, I DON'T have a glass eye. So if Mom asks me why I flunked my pop quiz in Pre-Algebra today, that's my excuse.
Sunday
Rodrick has been hitting Mom and Dad up for cash lately, so I guess the Mom Bucks program isn't really working out for him. Mom has tried to make Rodrick do more chores to earn some money, but that hasn't been going too well.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy cleaning the door and his father telling him how to do so.] "Is this how you do it?
You need to be using a clean rag, son!"
129
But tonight, Mom figured out a way Rodrick could earn some cash. My school sent home a newsletter saying that Music Education has been cancelled because of budget cuts, so parents should get their kids private music lessons.
Mom told Rodrick he could give ME private drum lessons, and that she would PAY him for it.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy reading a book on the sofa as his mom and brother talk to him.]
I think Mom came up with the idea because lately Rodrick's been telling everyone he's a "professional drummer."
There's this local show called the "Community Follies" where all the neighborhood parents do a bunch of comedy skits, and it's been running in our local theater for about two weeks.
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The other night, the regular drummer got sick, so Rodrick filled in, and he got paid five bucks.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy playing the drums in a performance by two men.] "(Corny joke, corny joke)
Yuk yuk yuk!"
I don't know if that really makes Rodrick a "professional drummer," but that didn't stop me from using it to score points with the girls at school.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to the two girls in the class.] "My brother's professional drummer!"
131
When Mom told Rodrick he should start giving me drum lessons, he wasn't too hot on the idea. But then Mom said she'd pay him ten dollars a lesson, and that I could get a bunch of my friends to sign up, too.
So now I've gotta recruit some people for Rodrick's Drum Academy. And I can already tell, this isn't gonna be a lot of fun.
Monday
I couldn't get any of my friends to sign up for Rodrick's drum school except Rowley, and I kind of had to trick HIM into doing it. Rowley is always saying he wants to learn how to play the drums, but he wants to play the kind they use in marching bands.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys talking about the performance.] "Crash"
132
I told Rowley I knew for a FACT that Rodrick was going to cover all that stuff in week four, and that got Rowley pretty excited.
I was just glad I wasn't gonna have to take drum lessons all by myself.
Rowley came over after school, and we went down to the basement to start our first lesson. Rodrick started us off with some pretty basic drum drills.
There was only one practice pad and two drumsticks, so Rowley had to use a paper plate and some plastic utensils. But I guess that's what happens when you're the last person to sign up for a class.
[Image: A cartoon of a reading as the other practice drumming with plates and spoons, in the bedroom.] "Tappity tap"
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After about fifteen minutes, Rodrick got a call from Ward, and that put an end to our first lesson.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking on the phone and the other two listening to him.] "Class is dismissed early today."
Mom wasn't too happy to see me and Rowley upstairs so soon, and she sent us back down to the basement. She said not to come up until Rodrick had at least given us a practice assignment. So he did.
[Image: A cartoon of a bou lying in his bed and talking to his two friends.] "Your homework is to listen to some music with drums in it."
134
Tuesday
Me and Rowley had drum lessons with Rodrick again today.
Well, Rodrick might be a good drummer, but he's not a good teacher. Me and Rowley tried our best to do the drills Rodrick taught us, but every time we messed up, Rodrick would get frustrated.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy telling his friends how to drum in the bedroom.] "Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Oops."
Eventually, he got so fed up that he took our drumsticks away. Rodrick sat down at his drum set and told us to "watch and learn." Then he started doing this really long drum solo that didn't have anything to do with the drills he was teaching us.
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[Image: A cartoon of a boy playing the drums and the other boys watching.]
Rodrick didn't even look up from his drum set when me and Rowley left and went upstairs.
I'm not complaining, though. Because the way I see it, this way everyone wins.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys playing a video game and their mother watching them.] "Ba-dum bum crash bam"
Thursday
We've got a History paper due the day before Thanksgiving, and I'd better start getting serious about it.
136
The teachers are getting a lot stricter about the quality of work we turn in, and the way I usually do things isn't working so good anymore.
Last week we had a paper due in Science, and Mrs. Breckman said we had to choose an animal to write about. So I picked the moose. I know I should have gone to the library and done research, but I just decided to wing it.
The Amazing Moose by Greg Heffley
Diet: The moose eats many, many things, but the list would be way too long to put in this paper. So I will save us all some time by just listing the things that the moose does NOT eat.
BUBBLE GUM METAL PIZZA
[Image: A cartoon of a cook offering a steaming pizza to a Moose.] "Your pizza, sir.
No, really...I couldn't."
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Even though there are moose habitats set up all over the place, the moose is almost extinct.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy and a Moose talking.] "But we smell a heck of a lot better than antelopes.
Oh.
I said extinct!"
Everybody knows the moose evolved from birds, just like people did, But somewhere along the line people got arms, and the moose got stuck with those useless horns.
[Image: A cartoon showing the change of baby to man and a baby moose to a Moose.]
"Yay!
RATS."
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I actually thought I did a pretty good job. But I guess Mrs. Breckman must be an expert on mooses or something, because she made me go to the library and start the paper over from scratch.
And my NEXT paper isn't gonna be any easier. I have to write a poem about the 1900s for Mr. Huff's class, and I don't know the first thing about History OR poetry. So I guess I'd better start hitting the books.
Monday
I was up at Rowley's playing board games yesterday, and the craziest thing happened. When Rowley was in the bathroom, I noticed that there was some play money sticking out of the box of one of the other games.
[Image: A $20 note of play money.]
139
I couldn't believe my eyes. Because the play money inside that game was the EXACT same kind of money Mom uses for Mom Bucks.
When I counted it up, there was something like $100,000 in cash in that box.
It only took me about two seconds to figure out what to do next.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy leaving the room with a bag full of money and another boy is talking to him.] "What should we play now?
Gotta go!"
When I got home, I ran upstairs and stuffed the money under my mattress. I tossed and turned all night trying to figure out what to do with my new Mom Bucks.
140
I realized Mom would probably have some way of knowing the difference between phony Mom Bucks and the real thing. So this morning, I decided to try a little experiment.
I asked Mom if I could cash in some Mom Bucks so I could buy stamps to write my pen pal. I was really nervous when I handed Mom the money.