by Jeff Kinney
[Image: A cartoon of a boy giving money to his mother.]
But she took it without even blinking.
I can't believe my luck! I figure I can make this $100,000 last all the way through high school, and maybe even farther. I might not even have to get a real job later on.
The trick will be to not cash in too much at one time, or Mom will know something's up.
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And I have to remember to earn a few Mom Bucks for real here and there so she doesn't get too suspicious.
I will say one thing for sure, though, and it's that I won't be using the money Mom gave me to buy stamps.
I got a picture from my pen-pal, Mamadou, in the mail yesterday, and that pretty much killed any chance of me writing HIM back.
[Image: A picture of man playing a guitar.] ""Super Cool""
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Tuesday
My big History paper is due tomorrow, but they've been saying all week that it's gonna snow about a FOOT tonight.
So I haven't really been sweating it all that much.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy watching T.V.]
At around 10:00, I peeked out the window to see how many inches of snow were on the ground so far. But I couldn't believe my eyes when I pulled back the curtain.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking out of the window.]
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Man, I was counting on school being CANCELLED tomorrow. I turned on the news to see what happened, but the weather guy was telling a TOTALLY different story than he was three hours ago.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy watching two people in the T.V.] "We really dodged a bullet this time, Bob!
You can say that again. Barbara! Ha ha ha!"
That meant I had to get cracking on my History paper. The problem was, it was too late to go to the library, and we don't have any books in our house that are about the 1900s. So I knew I had to think of something quick.
Then I had a great idea.
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Dad has bailed Rodrick out a MILLION times on his school papers. So I figured he could help me, too.
I told Dad about my situation, thinking he'd jump right in and help. But I guess Dad has learned his lesson in that department.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy standing behind a man sitting in the chair.] "Good luck with that!"
Rodrick must have overheard me talking to Dad, because he told me I should follow him downstairs.
You know how Rodrick had Mr. Huff, my History teacher, in middle school? Well, it turns out Mr. Huff gave Rodrick's class the EXACT same assignment when he was in my grade.
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Rodrick dug around in his junk drawer and found his old paper. And then he told me he'd sell it to me for five bucks.
I told him there was no WAY I'd do that.
I'll admit, it was pretty tempting. Because number one, since all of Rodrick's assignments have gone through Dad, I knew Rodrick got a good grade on his paper. And number two, it was in one of those clear plastic binders that teachers go crazy for.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy sitting on the bed as the other boy looks at him.]
Plus, I had a huge stash of Mom Bucks under my mattress upstairs, and I knew I could pay Rodrick with that.
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But I couldn't do it. I mean, I've copied off of people's papers on quizzes and stuff before, but BUYING a paper off of someone would be taking it to a whole another level.
So I decided I was gonna just have to suck it up and do the paper myself.
I started doing some research on the computer, but at about midnight, the worst possible thing happened: The power went out.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy at his study desk.] "Blink!"
That's when I knew I was in some serious trouble. I knew I'd flunk History if I didn't turn in a paper. So even though I didn't want to, I decided to take Rodrick up on his offer.
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I scraped together $500 in Mom Bucks and went down to the basement. But Rodrick didn't let me off that easy.
[Image: A cartoon of a person in bed and a boy holding a candle is standing near him.] "My fees has gone up."
Rodrick told me his new price was $20,000 in Mom Bucks. I told him I didn't have it, so he just rolled over and went back to sleep.
At that point, I was really desperate. So I went upstairs and grabbed a big handful of thousand dollar bills and brought them down to Rodrick's room. I gave him the money, and he turned over the paper. I felt really bad about what I did, but I just tried not to think about it and went to sleep.
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Wednesday
On the bus ride to school, I took Rodrick's paper out of my bag. But I took one look at it and knew something was seriously wrong.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy sitting in the bus reading a paper.] "Uh oh."
First of all, the poem wasn't typed out. It was in Rodrick's won handwriting.
That's when it hit me: Dad only started doing Rodrick's papers for him once he got to HIGH school. So that meant this paper was Rodrick's OWN work.
I started reading Rodrick's paper to see if I could still use it. But apparently, Rodrick was even worse about doing his research than ME.
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A Hundred Years Ago by Rodrick Heffley
Sometimes I sit and wonder
About stuff I don't know
Like what the heck the earth was like
A hundred years ago.
Did cavemen ride on dinosaurs?
Did flowers even grow?
Well we could guess but that was back
A hundred years ago.
I wish they built a time machine
And they picked me to go
To check out what the scene was like
A hundred years ago.
Did giant spiders rule the earth?
Were deserts filled with snow?
I wonder what the story was
A hundred years ago.
F See me!
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I guess I learned my lesson about buying a paper off someone. Or at least off of RODRICK.
When third period rolled around, I didn't have anything to turn in to Mr. Huff. I guess that means I'll be taking summer school for History.
And my day got a whole lot worse after that. When I got home from school, Mom was waiting for me at the front door.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy with his school bag entering his house and his mother and brother standing inside.]
You know that stack of bills I paid Rodrick with? Well, he tried to cash them ALL in at once to get money for a used motorcycle. I'm sure Mom knew something was fishy, since Rodrick has never earned a single Mom Buck on his own.
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Rodrick told Mom where he got the money, and she dug around my room until she found my stash under the mattress. Mom knew she never put $100,000 into circulation, so she confiscated ALL my cash, even the ones I earned for real. I guess that's the end of the Mom Bucks program.
To be honest with you, I'm kind of relieved. Sleeping on that pile of cash every night was really stressing me out.
Mom was mad that I tried to put one over on her like that, so she gave me a punishment. But I got that out of the way before dinner.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys talking to each other standing at the door.] "Mom says we have to clean the whole garage.
Shoot."
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Thursday
Today was Thanksgiving, and it started off like it always does: with Aunt Loretta showing up two hours early.
[Image: A cartoon of two ladies at the thanksgiving.]
Mom always makes me and Rodrick "entertain" Aunt Loretta, and that means talk to her until the rest of the family shows up.
The biggest fights me and Rodrick have ever had were over who has to greet her first.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys fighting in the room.]
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The rest of the family started trickling in around 11:00. Dad's brother, Uncle Joe, and his kids were the last ones to show up aro
und 12:30.
Uncle Joe's kids all call Dad the same thing.
[Image: A cartoon of two children entering a room occupied by a boy and two men.] "Hi aunt Fwank!"
Mom thinks it's really cute, but Dad swears that Uncle Joe tells his kids to do it on purpose.
Things are pretty tense between Dad and Uncle Joe, because Dad is still mad at Uncle Joe for something he did LAST Thanksgiving. Back then, Manny had just started potty training, and he was doing pretty good. In fact, he was probably about two weeks from being out of diapers.
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But Uncle Joe said something to Manny that changed everything.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy in the bathroom and a man standing at the door.] "Better look for the "Potty monster," little fella!"
It was six months before Manny would even step foot in the bathroom again.
Every time Dad changed a dirty diaper after that, I heard him cursing Uncle Joe under his breath.
We had dinner around 2:00, and then people went into the living room to talk. I didn't feel like talking, so I went in the family room to play video games.
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Eventually, I guess Dad had enough of the family, too, so he went downstairs to work on his Civil War battlefield. But he forgot to lock the door to the furnace room, and Uncle Joe walked in after him.
Uncle Joe seemed pretty interested in what Dad was working on, so Dad told him all about it.
Dad gave Uncle Joe this big speech about the 150th Regiment and the role it played at Gettysburg, and spent about a half hour describing the whole battle.
But I don't think Uncle Joe was really listening to Dad's speech.
[Image: A cartoon of a man patting the other on the back.] "Nice toys, big brother!"
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Thanksgiving didn't last too much longer after that. Dad went upstairs and turned up the thermostat until it got stuffy and everyone cleared out. And that's pretty much how Thanksgiving ends every year at our house.
[Image: A cartoon of three people leaving as the man holds the door for them.]
DECEMBER
Saturday
You remember how I said Mom and Dad were going to eventually find out about Rodrick's party? Well, it finally happened today.
Mom sent Dad out to pick up the pictures from Thanksgiving, and when Dad got back, you could tell he wasn't happy about something.
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[Image: A cartoon of a man showing a picture to his family which sitting at the dinning table.]
The picture in Dad's hand was from Rodrick's party.
It looked like one of Rodrick's friends accidentally took a picture with Mom's camera, which she keeps on the shelf above the stereo. And when he took the picture, it captured the whole scene.
[Image: A picture of a party.]
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Rodrick tried to deny that he had a party. But everything was right there in the picture, so there really wasn't any point.
Mom and Dad took away Rodrick's car keys and told him his punishment is that he's not allowed to leave the house for a whole MONTH.
They were even mad at ME, because they said I was Rodrick's "accomplice." So I got hit with a two-week video game ban.
Sunday
Mom and Dad have been all over Rodrick's case ever since they found out about his party. Rodrick usually sleeps until 2:00 in the afternoon on weekends, but today Dad made Rodrick get out of bed by 8:00 A.M.
Making Rodrick get out of bed early is a pretty big blow to him, because Rodrick LOVES to sleep. One time last fall, Rodrick slept for thirty-six hours STRAIGHT.
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He slept all the way from Sunday night until Tuesday morning, and he didn't even realize he missed a whole day of his life until Tuesday night.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys watching T.V.] "Hey... Where's Monday night football?"
But it looks like Rodrick has found a way around the new 8:00 rule. Now, when Dad tells Rodrick to get out of bed, Rodrick just drags his stuff upstairs with him and he sleeps on the couch until it's time for dinner. So I guess you gotta give this round to Rodrick.
[Image: A cartoon of a man sleeping on the sofa and another man watching him.]
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Tuesday
Mom and Dad are going away again this weekend, and they're dropping me and Rodrick off at Grandpa's. They said they WERE gonna let us stay home, but we proved we can't be trusted on our own.
Grandpa lives over in Leisure Towers, which is this old folks' home. I had to spend a week there with Rodrick a few months ago, and it was the low point of my whole summer.
Manny is staying with Gramma this weekend, and I'd give ANYTHING to trade places with him. Gramma always has her fridge stocked with soda and cake and stuff like that, and she has cable TV with all the movie channels.
[Image: A cartoon of a child sitting on the sofa, with his toys, in front of the T.V.]
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The reason Manny is going to Gramma's is because Manny is Gramma's favorite. And all you need to do is take one look at her refrigerator for the proof.
[Image: Many pictures are stuck on a wall.]
But if anyone ever accuses Gramma of showing favorites, she gets all defensive.
[Image: A cartoon of two ladies talking.] "I love all my grandchildren the same."
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And it's not just the pictures on the fridge, either. Gramma has Manny's drawings and stuff hanging up all over the house.
The only thing that Gramma has from ME is this note I wrote her when I was six. I was mad at her because she wouldn't give me any ice cream before dinner, so here's what I wrote:
[Image: A note.] "I hate you Gramma."
Gramma has kept that note all these years, and she's STILL holding it over my head.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking at the two women talking.] "And this is what my wonderful grandson Gregory made for me!"
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I guess every grandparent has their favorite, and I can understand that. But at least Grandpa is up front about it.
[Image: A cartoon of a man pushing the other and saying something to another man.] "Gregory is my favorite!"
Saturday
Well, Mom and Dad dumped me and Rodrick off at Grandpa's today, just like they said they were gonna do.
I started looking for ways to entertain myself, but there's nothing in Grandpa's condo that's fun to do, so I just sat down with him and watched TV. But Grandpa doesn't even watch real shows. He just keeps his TV tuned to the security camera that's in the front lobby of his building.
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And after a few hours of THAT, you start to go a little nuts.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy and an old amn watching T.V.] "Oh, sure! Barry Grossman has time to go out for a three-hour walk, but he doesn't have time to return my vacuum!"
At about 5:00, Grandpa made us dinner. Grandpa makes this awful thing called "watercress salad," and it's the worst thing you ever tasted.
It's basically a bunch of cold green beans and cucumbers floating in a pool of vinegar.
[Image: A bowl of food.]
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Rodrick knows I hate watercress salad more than ANYTHING, so the last time we stayed at Grandpa's, Rodrick made sure to pile it on my plate.
[Image: A cartoon of a man and two boys at the dining table.] "Greg loves waterglass salad!"
I had to sit there and choke down every bite so Grandpa's feelings wouldn't be hurt.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy trying to stuff the food into his mouth.]
And guess what I got as a reward for cleaning my plate?
[Image: A cartoon of a man putting the sweets on the table in front of the two boys.] "Here you go!"
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Tonight, Grandpa gave us our salad, and I acted like I was gonna eat it. But then I just stuffed it all in my pocket when no one was looking.
It felt pretty disgusting when the cold vinegar started running down my leg, but believe me it was about a thousand times better than having to EAT it
.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys and a man sitting across the table.]
After dinner, the three of us went into the living room. Grandpa has all these really old board games, and he always makes me and Rodrick play them with him.
He has this one game called "Gutbusters," where one player reads a card, and the other player tries not to laugh.
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I always beat Grandpa, mostly because the jokes don't make any sense to me.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy showing his toy to the old man.] "Putting economic policy before fiscal responsibility is like putting the cart before the horse."
Haw, haw, haw!"
I always beat Rodrick, too, but that's because Rodrick loses on purpose. Whenever it's my turn to read a card, he makes sure he has a big mouthful of milk.
[Image: A cartoon of a man looking at the boy throwing out milk onto another boy.] "Bwahahaha!"
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At 10:00, I was ready for bed. But Rodrick called the couch, and that meant I had to sleep with Grandpa again.
All I can say is, if Mom and Dad were trying to teach me a lesson for covering for Rodrick, well, mission accomplished.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy and the old man in bed.] "Could you put my teeth in that glass?"
Sunday
Rodrick has a big Science Fair project due right before Christmas break, and it looks like Mom and Dad are making Rodrick do this one all by himself.
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Last year, Rodrick's science project was called "Does Watching Violent Movies Make People Think Violent Thoughts?"