by Jeff Kinney
I don't think Dad approved of Larry Larkin and all his piercings. Halfway through Larry's guitar solo, Dad leaned over and whispered to the man sitting next to him.
[Image: A cartoon of three people whispering.] "What's the worst thing that kid up there could say to you?
What?"
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I wish I had time to warn Dad that the guy he was talking to was Larry's father.
[Image: A cartoon of three in conversation.] ""Hi, Dad!""
Another problem with combining the schools was that there were too many acts, and the show went on FOREVER.
At 9:30 they decided to start running two acts at the same time to keep the show moving along. Sometimes it worked out all right, like when they had Patty Farrell tap-dancing while Spencer Kitt was juggling. But other times it didn't work out too good, like when Terrence James played a harmonica on a unicycle while Charise Kline read her poem about global warming.
Rodrick's band was the last act to take the stage.
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Before the show, Rodrick asked me to videotape his band during their act, but I told him no WAY.
He's been such a jerk to me lately that I can't believe he was trying to hit me up for a favor. So Mom volunteered for camera duty.
Rodrick's band got paired up with Harry Gilbertson, the roller-skating kid. And I'm sure Rodrick wasn't too happy about THAT.
[Image: A cartoon of a bands performance on stage.] "Who's ready to rrrrocccckkkk?
I am!"
I noticed Dad wasn't sitting next to me while Rodrick's band played, so I looked around for him.
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Dad was standing in the back of the gym with cotton balls sticking out of his ears, and he stayed there until the song was over.
[Image: A cartoon of a man outside the door.]
After Rodrick's band performed, they handed out the awards. Rodrick's band didn't win anything, but Harry Gilbertson walked away with the prize for "Best Musical Act."
[Image: A cartoon of a child being awarded on the stage.]
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But you'll never guess who the Grand Prize Winner was: Rowley's babysitter, Leland.
He won for his ventriloquist act, because the judges said it was "wholesome."
I never thought I'd agree with Rodrick on anything, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe he was right about Leland being a nerd after all.
[Image: A cartoon of a man with his son in his lap.] "Hey, who's the dummy here?"
After the show, Rodrick's band came back to our house to watch the videotape of their performance.
They were all grumbling about how they got "robbed," and how the judges don't know the first thing about rock and roll.
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So their plan was to just mail the videotape off to some record labels and let their performance speak for itself.
They all sat down in front of the TV and Rodrick put the tape in the machine. But it took about thirty seconds for everyone to realize the tape was worthless.
You know how Rodrick asked Mom to videotape the show? Well, she did a pretty good job of filming, but she talked nonstop during the first two minutes. And the camera picked up every little comment she made.
[Image: A cartoon of people watching Television.] "That shirt makes Rodrick's arms look so skinny!"
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Every time Bill stuck out his tongue and flicked it up and down like a rock star, you could hear Mom ring in with her opinion.
[Image: A cartoon of a man performing on T.V.] "I don't like that!"
In fact, the only time Mom stopped talking was when Rodrick did his drum solo. But during that part, the camera was shaking around so much that you couldn't even see anything.
At first, Rodrick and his bandmates were really mad. But then one of them remembered that the school taped the Talent Show, and it's supposed to be on the local cable channel tomorrow night.
I guess that means they'll all be coming back over to watch THAT.
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Thursday
Well, things have gotten REALLY bad for me in the last few hours.
Rodrick and his bandmates came over around 7:00 tonight to watch the Talent Show on TV. They sat through the whole three-hour show until their band came on.
The school actually did a decent job of taping the performance, and things were looking pretty good up until Rodrick's drum solo.
That's when Mom started dancing. And whoever was doing the filming zoomed right in on Mom, and kept the camera pointed at her for the rest of the song.
[Image: A cartoon of a performance on stage.]
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That meant Rodrick didn't have ANYTHING he could send to record companies. And he was really mad about it, too.
At first he was mad at Mom for messing things up. But Mom said that if Rodrick didn't want people to dance, he shouldn't play music.
Then Rodrick turned on ME. He said this was all MY fault, because if I just taped the show like he asked me to, none of this would've happened.
But I told him that maybe if he wasn't such a jerk, I would have done it for him.
[Image: A cartoon of two children fighting as their parents look at them.]
We started to yell at each other. Mom and Dad broke us up, and then they sent Rodrick down to his room and me up to mine.
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But a couple of hours later I went downstairs, and I ran into Rodrick in the kitchen. He was smiling, so I knew something was up.
Rodrick told me my "secret was out."
At first, I didn't know what he was talking about. But then I got it: He was talking about the thing that happened to me this summer.
I ran down to the basement, and I picked up Rodrick's phone to see if he had made any calls. And sure enough, it looked like he had called EVERY friend of his who had a brother or sister my age.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking at his phone.]
By tomorrow morning, EVERYONE at my school will know the story. And I'm sure Rodrick exaggerated the facts to make the story sound even WORSE.
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Now that my secret's out there, I want to put on record what REALLY happened, and not Rodrick's twisted version.
So here it goes.
Over the summer, me and Rodrick had to stay with Grandpa at his condo in Leisure Towers for a few days. But there was NOTHING to do, and I was going bonkers.
I was so bored, I broke out my old journal and started to write in it. But taking out a book that said "diary" on the cover in front of Rodrick was a HUGE mistake.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy taking away from the one on the sofa.] "Ha! Swipe"
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Rodrick stole my journal and made a run for it. He probably would have made it into the bathroom and locked the door if someone hadn't left Gutbusters sitting out.
[Image: A cartoon of a tripping to a fall.] "Gaah!"
I scooped the book off the floor and ran out into the hallway and down the stairwell. Then, I ducked into the bathroom in the main lobby and locked myself in a stall.
I kept my feet off the floor so that if Rodrick came in, he wouldn't know I was in there.
I knew that if Rodrick got ahold of my journal, it would be a nightmare. So I decided to just rip the whole thing into tiny little pieces and flush them down the toilet. It was better to just destroy the thing than risk Rodrick getting his hands on it.
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[Image: A cartoon of a boy sitting on the top of the potty and tearing the book.]
But as soon as I started ripping pages out of the book, I heard the bathroom door open. I thought it was Rodrick, so I just stayed completely still.
I didn't hear anything, so I peeked over the top of the stall to see what was going on. That's when I saw a woman standing in front of the mirror, putting on makeup.
[Image: A cartoon of a grumpy old woman.]
I figured the lady just accidentally wandered into the men's room, because people at Leisure Towers are always doing stuff like that.
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I was about to speak up and tell this lady she was in the wrong bathroom, but right then someone else walked in. And guess what? It was ANOTHER woman.
That's when I realized that I was the one who messed up, and I was in the WOMEN's bathroom.
I prayed that those ladies would just wash their hands and leave so I could make a run for it. But they sat down in the stalls on either side of me. And every time one woman would leave the bathroom, someone else would come in and take their place. So I couldn't leave.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy standing on top of the potty.]
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If Rowley thinks he had it bad when those kids made him eat the Cheese, he should try being stuck in the Leisure Towers ladies' room for an hour and a half.
I guess someone eventually heard me in there, and they reported me to the front desk. Within a few minutes, word got around the building that there was a "Peeping Tom" in the women's room.
[Image: A cartoon of a crying boy being carried by a man as the others look.]
By the time security came in and got me out of there, everyone who lived in Leisure Towers was down in the lobby. And Rodrick saw the whole thing unfold upstairs on Grandpa's TV.
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Now that the story was out, I knew I couldn't show my face at school. So I told Mom she was gonna have to transfer me somewhere else, and I told her why.
Mom said I shouldn't worry about what other people think. She told me that my classmates would understand that I had just made an "honest mistake."
[Image: A cartoon of the mother talking to the boy.]
So that just proves once and for all that Mom doesn't understand a THING about kids my age.
Now I'm kicking myself for not keeping up my pen-pal relationship with Mamadou. Because if me and him had stayed in touch, maybe I could have gone to France as an exchange student and hid out THERE for a few years.
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[Image: A cartoon of a boy and some French people.] "Comment Allezvous?
Yeah! Whatever!"
All I know is, the one place I don't want to go tomorrow is school. And it looks like that's exactly where I'm headed.
Friday
The CRAZIEST thing happened today. When I walked in the door at school, a bunch of guys cornered me, and I braced myself for the teasing to start. But instead of harassing me, they started CONGRATULATING me.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy with people.]
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Everyone was shaking my hand and patting me on the back, and I didn't know WHAT was going on.
With all those guys talking to me at the same time, it took me a while to make sense of anything. But here's what must have happened.
The story Rodrick told his friends got passed on to their brothers and sisters, and then they told THEIR friends.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys on phone and two boys talking.]
But by the time word spread around, all the details got totally messed up.
So the story went from me accidentally walking into the women's bathroom at Leisure Towers to me infiltrating the girls' locker room at Crossland HIGH SCHOOL.
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I couldn't believe everything got twisted like that, but I wasn't about to set the record straight, either.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy clicking in the girls loo.]
All of the sudden, I was the hero at school. I even got a nickname. People were calling me the "Stealthinator."
Someone even made me a Stealthinator headband, and you better believe I wore it. Things like this NEVER happen to me, so I wasn't gonna pass up my moment of glory.
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And for the first time ever, I knew what it felt like to be the most popular kid at school.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys doing a Hi Five.] "Smack"
Unfortunately, the girls weren't as impressed with me as the guys were. In fact, I think I might have a little trouble getting someone to go to the Valentine's Dance with me.
[Image: A cartoon of the girls scolding the boys.] "You're disgusting!"
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Monday
You know how Rodrick wanted his band to get noticed? Well, he kind of got his wish, because EVERYBODY knows who Löded Diper is now.
I guess somebody must have thought the tape of Mom cutting loose at the Talent Show was pretty funny, because it's all over the Internet. And now everyone knows Rodrick Heffley as the drummer from the "Dancing Mom" video.
[Image: A cartoon of some boys at the computer.]
Ever since, Rodrick's been hiding out in the basement, waiting for the whole thing to blow over. And I have to admit, I do feel kind of sorry for him.
I'm getting teased about the video at school, too, but at least I'm not IN it.
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And even though Rodrick can be a huge jerk sometimes, he IS my brother.
Tomorrow is the Science Fair, and if Rodrick doesn't turn in a project, he's gonna flunk out of school.
So that's why I offered to help him out with his project, but just this one last time. We worked together all night, and I don't mean to brag, but we did a really good job.
Anyway, when Rodrick gets First Prize tomorrow and passes Science, I just hope he realizes how lucky he is to have a brother like ME.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy with his science project.] "DO Hypothesis: Plants probably sneeze.
PLANTS Experiment: feathers pepper feet
SNEEZE?
Conclusion:
Plants don't sneeze."
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I'll be forever grateful to my family for providing the inspiration, encouragement, and support I need to create these books. A huge thanks goes to my brothers, Scott and Pat; my sister, Re; and to my mom and dad. Without you, there would be no Heffleys. Thanks to my wife, Julie, and my kids, who have made so many sacrifices to make my dream of being a cartoonist come true. Thanks also to my in-laws, Tom and Gail, who have been there with a helping hand during every deadline.
Thanks to the terrific folks at Abrams, especially Charlie Kochman, an incredibly dedicated editor and a remarkable human being, and to those people at Abrams with whom I've had the pleasure of working most closely: Jason Wells, Howard Reeves, Susan Van Metre, Chad Beckerman, Samara Klein, Valerie Ralph, and Scott Auerbach. A special thanks goes to Michael Jacobs.
Thanks to Jess Brallier for bringing Greg Heffley to the world on Funbrain.com. Thanks to Betsy Bird (Fuse #8) for wielding her considerable influence to spread the word about Diary of a Wimpy Kid. Lastly, thanks to Dee Sockol-Frye, and to all of the booksellers across the country who put these books into kids' hands.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jeff Kinney is an online game developer and designer, and the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller Diary of a Wimpy Kid. He spent his childhood in the Washington, D.C., area and moved to New England in 1995. Jeff lives in southern Massachusetts with his wife, Julie, and their two sons, Will and Grant.