by Jeff Kinney
I guess the idea was to have people watch horror movies and then draw pictures afterward to show how the movies affected them.
But it was really just an excuse for Rodrick and his friends to watch a bunch of horror movies on school nights.
[Image: A cartoon of people watching T.V.] "Scream! Chomp!"
Rodrick's friends got the movie-watching part done, but they didn't draw a single picture. And the night before the Science Fair, Rodrick didn't have anything to show for himself.
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So me, Mom, and Dad had to bail Rodrick out. Dad typed up the paper, Mom made the poster board stuff, and I had to draw a bunch of pictures.
I did my best to imagine what teenagers would draw after watching violent movies.
[Image: Drawings of a skull with a knife stuck in it and a fighting scene near a building.]
The thing that REALLY stinks is that I caught heat from Mom when she saw my drawings, because she said they were "disturbing." And that's why I was only allowed to watch G-rated movies for the rest of the year.
But if you want to talk about "disturbing," you should've seen some of the stuff Manny was coming up with those days.
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One night, Rodrick accidentally left one of his horror movies in the DVD player, and when Manny went to turn on cartoons the next day, he got Rodrick's movie instead.
[Image: A cartoon of a child watching T.V.] "Scream! Chomp!"
I came across a couple of Manny's drawings after that, and some of them were enough to give ME nightmares.
[Image: A picture of a monster.]
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Tuesday
Mom and Dad set up due dates for Rodrick on his Science Fair project, and by 6:00 tonight, he was supposed to tell them the theme of his experiment.
But at 6:45, things weren't looking so good.
[Image: A cartoon of the parents seeing their child watching T.V.]
Rodrick was watching a show about astronauts, and what happens to them after they've been up in space for a long time. The show said that when the astronauts get back to Earth, they're actually TALLER than when they left.
And the reason is because there's no gravity in space, so their spines decompress or something.
Well, that gave Rodrick the idea he was looking for.
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Rodrick told Mom and Dad he was going to do his science experiment on the effect of "zero gravity" on the human spine. And from the way Rodrick was talking it up, you'd think the results of his experiment were gonna benefit mankind.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy telling about 'the astronaut in space' to his parents.]
Dad seemed pretty impressed. Or maybe he was just relieved that Rodrick actually came through on his first task. But I think Dad started to see things a little different later on when he told Rodrick to take the trash out to the curb.
[Image: A cartoon of a person sleeping on the sofa as the man looks at him.] "I can't. I'm doing my research."
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Wednesday
Yesterday at school, they announced tryouts for the big Winter Talent Show.
As soon as I found out about it, I came up with this AWESOME idea for a comedy skit that me and Rowley could do. But I admit the REAL reason I wrote it was to give myself an excuse to talk to Holly Hills, who is Heather Hills's sister and the most popular girl in my grade.
[Image: A cover of a book which has three children on it and 'The Boy Whose Family Thinks He's a dog' written on it.] "The Boy Whose Family Thinks He's a dog
Look, honey! Our dog is standing on its hind legs!
I am a person not a dog!"
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[Image: A cartoon of a girl talking to the boy.] "Hey, You're not supposed to be up on the couch, you dumb mutt!
But I'm not a dog, I'm your son!
Don't you growl me!"
[Image: A cartoon of a boy and a girl holding the leash of a boy tied to him like a dog.] "We're off on a romantic vacation. I guess we'll have to put you in the kennel!
But I want to go with you guys!
Well, Woof woof woof to you, too!"
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CREDITS
WRITER-GREG HEFFLEY
DIRECTOR-GREG HEFFLEY
DAD-GREG HEFFLEY
MOM-HOLLY HILLS
DOG-BOY-ROWLEY JEFFERSON
I showed Rowley the script, but he wasn't too enthusiastic about the idea.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy giving some pictures to the other boy.] "Shove"
You'd think Rowley would be grateful that I was gonna make him a big star. But like Mom always says, there are some people you just can't please.
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Thursday
Rowley went and found someone ELSE to partner with for the Talent Show. He's gonna do a magic act with this kid from his karate class named Scotty Douglas.
And if you want to know if I'm jealous, let me put it to you this way: Scotty Douglas is in the FIRST GRADE. So Rowley will be lucky if he doesn't get beat up at school for this.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy.]
They're having one big Talent Show for the elementary school, the middle school, and the high school. So that means Rodrick and his band are gonna be in the same competition as Rowley and Scotty Douglas.
Rodrick's ALL fired up about the Talent Show. His band has never played in front of a crowd, so they see this as their big chance to get noticed.
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Rodrick is still grounded, but the rule is that he's not allowed to leave the house. So his band just comes over every day and practices down in the basement. I think Dad's starting to wish he had worded Rodrick's punishment a little differently.
[Image: A cartoon of a man sitting on a sofa.] "Ba-dum bum crash bam."
But if Rodrick's band really thinks they can win this Talent Show, they better get serious and play some actual music. Because they spent their last two practices fooling around with a new echo pedal they got over the weekend.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy lying and playing a game on T.V.] "Somebody farted farted farted farted farted."
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Friday
Dad ended Rodrick's punishment two weeks early, because he was going bonkers listening to Löded Diper practice every day. So tonight, Rodrick went to his friend Ward's for the weekend.
With Rodrick out of the house, that meant the basement was free. So I invited Rowley over to spend the night.
Me and Rowley bought a bunch of candy and soda, and Rowley brought over his portable TV. We even managed to get our hands on a couple of Rodrick's horror movies, so we were all set. But then Mom came downstairs with Manny.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys sitting on their beds as their mother talks to them.] "Look who come to join you!"
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The only reason Mom dumped Manny on us was so he could spy and tell her if we were doing anything wrong.
Every single time I've had a sleepover, Manny has ruined it. The last time Rowley slept over was the WORST.
Manny must've gotten cold in the middle of the night, so he crawled into Rowley's sleeping bag to get warm.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy sleeping in the bed as the other boy, who is in the other sleeping bag, screams loudly.] "Scream!!!"
That freaked Rowley out enough to make him go home early. And he hasn't been back to spend the night ever since.
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It looked like Manny was gonna ruin ANOTHER sleepover. Me and Rowley couldn't watch our horror movies with Manny around, so we decided to just play board games instead.
But I'm a little sick of board games, and besides, Rowley was kind of driving me crazy.
He needed to go to the bathroom every five minutes, and whenever he'd come back downstairs, he'd kick a pillow across the room.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy kicking on the empty can as the two boys look at him.] "Booh-yah!"
It might have been funny the first couple of times, but then it really started getting on my nerves. So the next time Rowley went upstairs t
o use the bathroom, I played a prank on him.
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I put one of Dad's dumbbells underneath a pillow.
And sure enough, the next time Rowley came downstairs, he gave it a big kick.
Well, that did it. Rowley started blubbering like a baby, and I couldn't quiet him down.
And with all the racket Rowley was making, Mom came downstairs.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy showing his hurt foot to his mother as his brother looks at them.]
Mom took a look at Rowley's big toe, and she seemed pretty concerned. I think Mom's sensitive about Rowley getting injured in our house after the tinfoil ball incident, so she drove him right home.
I was just glad she didn't ask us how it happened.
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As soon as Mom and Rowley walked out the door, I knew I'd better start working on Manny.
Manny saw me put that dumbbell under the pillow, and I knew he would tell Mom what I did. So I came up with an idea to keep him from snitching.
I packed some bags and told Manny I was gonna run away from home so I didn't have to face Mom for what I did.
Then I walked out the door and acted like I was leaving for good.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy leaving the house as his brother looks at him.] "Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye!"
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I got that idea from Rodrick. He used to pull the same kind of thing on me when HE did something bad and he knew I was gonna tell on HIM. He would act like he was running away, and then five minutes later, he would just walk back inside.
And by that time, I was ready to forgive him for whatever he did.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy crying loudly and the other looking at him.]
So after I told Manny I was leaving home, I shut the door and waited outside for a few minutes. And when I opened the door, I expected to find him crying in the foyer. But Manny wasn't where I left him. I started walking around the house looking for him, and guess where he was?
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Down in the basement, eating my candy.
[Image: A cartoon of a eating up the chocolates as the elder brother watches him.] "Gobble smack"
Anyway, if letting Manny eat my candy is the price I have to pay to keep him quiet, I can live with it.
Saturday
After I woke up this morning, I went down to the kitchen. But one look at Mom's face told me that Manny sold me out.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy and his mother and the baby brother in the kitchen.]
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Manny told Mom everything. He even told her about our horror movies. Don't even ask me how he knew about THAT.
Mom made me call Rowley to apologize, but then she made me talk to his parents and apologize to THEM, too. So I don't think I'm going to get invited back over to Rowley's house any time soon.
Then Mom got on the phone with Mrs. Jefferson. Mrs. Jefferson said Rowley's big toe was broken, and that he had to stay off it for a week.
Then Mrs. Jefferson said Rowley is "heartbroken," because this means he'll have to miss the Talent Show tryouts. And he's been practicing his magic act with Scotty Douglas all week.
[Image: A cartoon of two ladies in conversation on the phone.]
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So Mom told Mrs. Jefferson that I would be HAPPY to fill in for Rowley at the tryouts. I started tugging at Mom's sleeve to let her know this was a TERRIBLE idea, but of course she just ignored me.
After Mom got off the phone, I told her the last thing I needed at school is to be onstage doing magic tricks with a kid who was in pull-ups a year ago.
But Mom made me go through with it anyway. She took me down to Scotty's house and explained the situation to his mother. So now there was no getting out of it.
[Image: A cartoon of a mother and son going to meet anther mother and son, who are waiting for them.]
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Mrs. Douglas invited me inside, and me and Scotty went up to his room to start practicing. Well, the first thing I found out was that Rowley and Scotty were not equal partners in this act. Rowley was actually Scotty's ASSISTANT.
I told Scotty there was no WAY I was gonna be a magician's assistant to a first-grader. But Scotty said it was HIS magic set, and he started throwing a big tantrum.
[Image: A cartoon of a small child on the bed with his game as his brother stands near.]
So I just went along with the idea to keep Scotty quiet, because believe me, I did not need any more trouble.
Then Scotty handed me this shirt that was covered with all these sparkly sequins, and he told me that it was my costume.
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It looked like something Gramma would wear to Bingo. I told Scotty maybe I could wear something cooler, like a leather jacket, but he said that wouldn't be "magic" enough.
Anyway, it turns out all I have to do for the act is hand Scotty a prop every once in a while, so maybe it really isn't going to be all that bad.
But ask me how I feel again if we get in and have to perform onstage in front of five hundred people instead of Scotty's baby sister.
[Image: A cartoon of a child watching a person perform magic trick.] "And for my next twick..."
Sunday
I'll tell you ONE good thing that's come out of practicing this magic act with Scotty Douglas: It's given me a bunch of good ideas for more Creighton the Cretin comics.
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Rowley quit doing his comic strip "Zoo-Wee Mama!" for the school paper a few months ago, because he said he wanted to have more time to play with his Dinoblazer action figures. That means the cartoonist job is open again, and maybe I have a shot.
[Image: A cartoon showing a magician doing some stupid magic.] "I'm gonna make this apple disappear
Oh, boy!
Ta da!
You didn't make it disappear, you just ate it!
Uh oh, you figured out my trick.
You didn't even eat the whole thing!
Ok, watch this. Now ain't that magic?
That's not magic, it's just a lighter!
Oops. I thought it was a magic.
Boo! You're not a magician, you're an idiot!
Plus, that's not even a magician's hat. It's an Abraham Lincoln hat!
Oops."
THE END.
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Monday
Well, good news on the Talent Show. The tryouts were today, and me and Scotty didn't make it in.
OK, so maybe I could have done a better job as Scotty's assistant. But I didn't blow it on PURPOSE. I just forgot to hand him his props once or twice.
[Image: A cartoon of a lady taking down notes about the stage performance.]
We were the ONLY ones who didn't make the cut, and that actually is kind of embarrassing.
I know we weren't exactly the best act trying out today, but we weren't the WORST, either. Some of the acts that got in were a lot lamer than our magic act.
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This kindergartner named Harry Gilbertson made the cut, and all he did was roller-skate figure eights around a boom box that was playing "Yankee Doodle Dandy."
[Image: A cartoon of a child skating around as he listens to music.]
Rodrick's band made it in, too, and he's acting like that's some huge accomplishment.
Like I said before, Rodrick is really excited about the Winter Talent Show. In fact, he actually got his Science Fair project done a day EARLY so he could squeeze in some extra band practices before the big night.
But when Rodrick turned in his project, his Science teacher told him he was gonna have to start over and come up with a whole new idea. He said that Rodrick didn't use the "scientific method" with a hypothesis and a conclusion and all that.
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Rodrick told the teacher he actually grew a sixteenth of an inch during his "zero gravity" experiment, so that proved he was on to something.
But his teacher said that's a normal amount for a boy Rodrick's age to grow in a month.
[Image: A cartoon of a man talking to a boy.]
Well, t
his really stinks for me, because I had decided to do my Science Fair project on "zero gravity," too.
And now it looks like all the research I did was just a big waste of time.
[Image: A cartoon of a man sleeping and the boy sitting on the chair.]
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Dad told Rodrick he's going to have to just skip the Talent Show so he can do a new experiment, but Rodrick says he's not going to do it.
Rodrick told Dad he doesn't CARE about school anymore. He said his plan is to win the talent show and use the tape of the performance to get signed to a record label. The he'll quit school and just do the band full-time.
It sounds like a terrible plan to me, but I think Dad is pretty open to the idea.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy dreaming about himself driving a truck and his parents standing out.]
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Wednesday
Tonight was the big Winter Talent Show. I didn't want to go, and neither did Dad. But Mom made us both go to show our support for Rodrick.
Rodrick and Mom went to the school early to bring some stuff that Rodrick's band needed, so Dad had to ride in the band's van with Bill. And Dad wasn't too thrilled when he ran into his boss in the school parking lot.
[Image: A cartoon of some people standing beside the truck. ] "Hiya Frank!"
The show kicked off at 7:00, and let me just say, I think it was a really bad idea to combine the three schools for this thing.
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They ended up having kindergartners singing songs to their teddy bears followed by eighteen-year-olds doing speed metal guitar solos.
[Image: A cartoon of a man with a guitar and another man with a toy.] "And now for Larry Larkin's performance of "carnage" scoot scoot"