Under The Willows (Jackson Bay #1)

by Ciara Shayee

  “Whoa…” Finley breathes when I quickly right him, setting him back on his feet as I suck in a sharp gasp. My stomach rolls, old memories flooding to the surface.

  “Ahh, sto-op!”

  Skinny little arms flail around, a bony elbow narrowly missing my face.

  “But you’re so tasty! And someone ate half my breakfast this morning. Maybe they should eat their own in the future,” I tease, the sun hot on my back but not half as warming as the toothy smile aimed my way.

  “But I d-don’t want to!” Willow’s squeal is so high-pitched it almost hurts my ears, but I’m used to it. I never thought I’d get used to girly screams, singing at all hours of the day and night, hair bows just fucking…everywhere.

  Now, I don’t know what I’d do without it all.

  “Please, Daddy, s-s-stop! It tickles!”

  Smirking and nomming on her belly some more, I mimic, “But I don’t want to!”

  A sigh from the doorway curbs my grin, but only slightly, and puts an end to my girl’s giggles.

  “Are you two done? Dinner is on the table.”

  Carefully setting my world back on her own two feet, I blow out a breath and rub my belly. “I’m sorta full. I don’t think I need dinner after all.”

  I’m on the receiving end of a pretty harsh stink-eye, but its power is negated by the cheeky smile Willow wears as she falls about laughing at me.

  An all-too-familiar ache returns to take up residence in my chest. How did I not notice that it had eased, even if just for a little while? That ache…it’s all I have left of her. It reminds me that I had her, even just for a handful of precious years.

  Finley’s smile falters as I take a few big steps backward, but it’s Piper’s expression that kills me.

  Understanding.

  Of course, she knows where my mind just went—where it always goes when I let my guard down.

  “I’m…” sorry, broken, not sure I’ll ever be able to be the man you deserve.

  Her eyes are shiny, but they tell me she knows. She knows and she’s sorry, too.

  Her face tells me it’s okay, so I do what I always do. I take the easy out. I run. I hide.

  I forget.

  *

  A couple of days later, I slide my sunglasses into my hair and smile genuinely as I watch three familiar faces appear in the sea of people spilling out of the airport.

  “Lucas!”

  My eight-years-younger brother flashes me a grin as he waves and turns to say something to his wife, whose gaze pops up from their son to scan the crowd. She, too, looks happy when she spots me. “Hey, big brother,” Lucas says when they reach me, one of his long arms coming around me as I pull him in for a back-slapping hug.

  “Hey, brother. How were your flights?”

  He’s complained, many times, that they have to get connecting flights when they come out from Utah. I think they stopped in Dallas for a couple of hours this time.

  “Long,” he sighs, winking at his son as he whines for my attention.

  Crouching, I ruffle my nephew’s hair. “Hey, Matty. Did you enjoy your plane rides?”

  He shrugs, pushing his dark blond hair out of his eyes. It’s grown out a lot since they were here in June. It reminds me of Arlo, which makes my chest hurt. I miss the cheeky little boy—and his brothers. “It was okay. It felt like forever ‘cause I was excited to get here and see you, Uncle Kelly.”

  Groaning quietly, I look up at my brother who is now wearing a shit-eating grin, because it’s his fault his son is now calling me ‘Kelly,’ a nickname I’ve hated since Lucas started using it as a toddler.

  As it happens, Matty likes calling me ‘Uncle Kelly’ a whole lot. He peppers me with questions all the way from Jacksonville International to Jackson Bay, starting or ending almost every sentence with the nickname. If he weren’t so cute I’d totally tell him to knock it off.

  Even with the distraction he poses, I can’t resist slowing just slightly to see if I can catch a glimpse of Piper or the boys as we cruise past their house. As we pull up onto my driveway though, I sigh and push thoughts of them from my mind.

  I have two days with Lucas, Sabrina, and Matty—my time and attention is going to be dedicated to them.

  *

  “Man, that was good,” Lucas hums, rubbing his stomach as he leans back in his chair.

  I grin, twisting my whiskey glass between my fingers on the tabletop. “You’re welcome, little brother. You can do some laps in the pool tomorrow to work it off.”

  “Fuck off,” he snorts, shaking his head with a wide, slightly crooked grin. We both inherited Dad’s slightly lopsided smile, only he got Dad’s dark hair and blue eyes as well, while I got Mom’s green eyes and dark blond hair.

  “Language, Luc,” Sabrina sighs, although we both know she’s fighting a losing battle with her tipsy husband. He’s a lightweight, always has been, so the two whiskeys he’s had with dinner have gone straight to his head.

  “Yeah, Daddy,” Matty chimes. “You’re not s’posed to cuss.”

  “Sorry, champ. I’ll get you a dollar tomorrow.”

  Pleased with another addition to the loot he already earned listening to Lucas and I watch a Jacksonville Gators game this afternoon, Matty grins. My brother isn’t all that into soccer, but I’ve supported my closest MLS team since I moved out here. The Jacksonville Gators—not to be confused with the Gainesville college team—are doing well this season thanks to a couple of new signings. Their new striker, Brody Weller, has given them a great boost despite being the youngest of the team at twenty-one.

  “Why don’t we get you ready for bed, huh?” Sabrina asks with a smile, all of us eyeing Matty as he yawns big and wide, resting his chin on his folded arms on the table.

  “Okay. Can I have a story before I go to sleep?” Sabrina has barely agreed before he adds, “Can Uncle Kelly read it to me?”

  I see her eyes widen, her mouth moving to make an excuse for me, and cut her off. “You sure can, buddy. Give me a sec and I’ll be up, okay?”

  “Okay.” He crawls into Lucas’s lap for a hug and kiss, then gives his mom the same treatment before trooping up the stairs.

  Tossing back the last of my whiskey, I studiously ignore Sabrina’s curious gaze. I already know she’s shocked I’ve agreed to take story time.

  Story time was Willow’s favorite time of day. She loved pretending to read along with me.

  Matty is six years old and I’ve never read him a single story. I plan to fix that right now.

  Swallowing hard, I motion toward the stairs. “I’ll be back in a few. Help yourself to anything. There’s dessert in the fridge if you’re still hungry.”

  Tired from his long day, Matty is already halfway out when I lower myself to sit on the edge of the blow-up bed on the floor in the guestroom. “Sleepy, buddy?”

  “Nope.” I might believe him if he didn’t follow it up with a big yawn.

  I chuckle, tucking him in. “Sure you’re not. So, which of these books are we readin’?” He’s got a little stack of three beside his pillow. I hold them up in turn, nodding when he points to the one with a cartoon dragon on the front. “Okay, When A Dragon Comes To Stay it is.”

  I don’t even get halfway through the book before he’s snoring, but I read to the end anyway, making sure he’s all tucked in with his stuffed dragon before heading downstairs to face the Spanish inquisition.

  My sister-in-law is a lovely woman, and she’s a great wife and mother to my brother and nephew, but she’s also nosy as fuck. She’s mentioned Piper and her boys a bunch of times today thanks to the pictures Kelly posted of us all in the Burger Co. yard the day I showed her the new menu.

  Lucas and Sabrina have relocated to the living room, so after refilling my glass, I head there.

  When I sit my ass down in my recliner, I realize Lucas isn’t far behind his son. His eyelids are drooping as he stares unseeingly at the TV.

  “So, the girl
in the pictures. Piper, is it?”

  No need to beat around the bush, huh, Sabrina?

  “What about her?”

  My sister-in-law raises an eyebrow, tucking her feet under her on the couch. “Who is she?”

  “She’s…”

  My best friend’s daughter.

  My newest employee.

  My…

  “My friend.”

  Sabrina clicks her tongue. She’s getting annoyed with my short answers, but she doesn’t know that she’s poking a sore spot right now. I haven’t seen or spoken to Piper since my hasty retreat on Saturday. She’s waiting, giving me space, but I think I’m almost ready to close the gap. I just hope she won’t have written me off by then. She’s already been more than patient with me.

  I’m ready to let the embers glowing between us burn bright. I’m willing to be engulfed by the flames if it’s with her.

  Sighing, I rub the back of my neck and offer Sabrina a sheepish smile. “I’m sorry. I’m not in a great place at the moment. Burger Co. is crazy busy and with Ash off with the baby, it’s been tough.”

  Sabrina doesn’t believe me, I can tell, but she nods and follows the change of topic anyway. “How are they doing, Ashley and the baby?”

  “Good.” I smile a little wider, pulling up Ashley’s Facebook profile on my cell to show her a couple of photos of Ivy. The most recent picture on Ashley’s timeline is of all four girls on the sofa, Ivy in Lucy’s arms, Callie and Lily on either side of them.

  “What cute little girls.”

  I nod, agreeing. “They’re great, all of them.”

  “You’re really good with kids, you know. You avoid them, but you have a way with children that makes them adore you. Matty never shuts up about his ‘awesome Uncle Kelly.’”

  Even as I grin, I’m wincing inside.

  Yeah, I have such a way with kids I left Finley staring after me on Saturday because of my own ridiculous hang-ups.

  “We missed you on the Fourth. Your mom was expecting you to fly in,” Sabrina says next in her seemingly relentless search for conversation. Lucas is now catching flies beside her, so I can’t rely on him to save me.

  “I never said I’d be there.” My voice comes out too gruff, too blunt for polite conversation. Clearing my throat, I frown down at my drink. “She always assumes, but I’ve told her I can’t just up and leave Burger Co. on one of our busiest holidays. Probably the busiest, actually.”

  “You know she just misses you, Kellan. She feels guilty that she’s so far away from you, we all do.”

  I hear her unspoken ‘now you’re alone’ but choose to ignore it.

  “I think she still holds out hope on you coming back to Utah,” Sabrina admits after a too-long silence. “She’s always talking about how you used to love the snowy mountains and all the changing seasons.”

  It’s true, I am fond of the snow-capped mountains that I used to see through the window of my childhood home in Salt Lake City.

  But I love the sounds and smells of the ocean just feet away from the bottom of my back yard here in Jackson Bay. I love the year-round warm weather. I love this town and the people and the way I feel when I stroll down The Boardwalk with the sun on my face and the sea breeze filling my lungs.

  Willow was born here. She only ever lived in this house. She took her first steps on the beach right outside the back gate.

  And Carson and Bethany are here. Ashley, Brayden, the girls…

  Piper and the boys, too.

  I could never leave Jackson Bay.

  It takes a moment for me to realize I said it aloud. Sabrina smiles wistfully. “I know. This place is your home. I’ve known you for a long time, Kellan. This place suits you so much better than Utah ever did, and your mom would see it if you gave it a chance.”

  I knew the conversation would end up here.

  “Sabrina…” I warn. I don’t want to get into it with her. We’ve had a great day and we still have tomorrow to look forward to.

  “She cares about you, Kellan.” Rising from the sofa, Sabrina nudges Lucas awake and carries her empty glass to the kitchen as he mumbles his ‘goodnight’ and heads upstairs. She returns to me, leaning over to plant a kiss on my cheek. “Call her, talk to her. Really talk to her. She loves you so much, I don’t think you even realize.”

  Her gaze softens as she rests her hand on my shoulder, mulling over her words before she speaks. My heart thumps harder at the look in her eyes, because I know that look. It’s the one people wear when they’re going to talk about Willow.

  “We all lost Willow that day, Kellan, but it hit none of us more so than you. We all miss her and wish she was still here, but your mom…she’s grieving for more than just her granddaughter. She’s mourning you, too.”

  Sabrina leaves me with a parting “Goodnight, Kellan.” I don’t want to think about what she said, so obviously it’s all I can think about.

  When I crawl into bed a little later, the light of the moon streaming through the open drapes, I frown at the ceiling and ponder Sabrina’s words.

  She’s mourning you, too.

  My first impulse is to say that she never lost me. I’m right here. But I know, deep down, that it’s bullshit.

  When Willow died, a huge part of me died with her. My chest aches almost constantly as if it’s missing crucial components, and my thoughts are never far from my bright, beautiful, funny little girl. She was my world. Her smile lit up my life and her giggles were music to my ears. Sometimes, when I dream, I can still hear her laughter. It haunts my sleep and leaves my waking hours painfully quiet, no matter what I do or where I go. This house is full of her, the rooms still holding her toys, books, and clothes, all exactly where she left them. I’ve never moved a thing.

  It’s a museum. A shrine to a life I haven’t lived for six years, a life Willow will never return to.

  And Sabrina is right about something else, too—it wasn’t just me who lost Willow. It was Mom and Dad, Lucas and Sabrina…Matty never even got the chance to meet his only cousin. Sabrina was barely pregnant when Willow died. They hadn’t even announced it yet.

  And then there’s Shannon.

  Thoughts of her leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The betrayal that accompanies it hurts more because she was my best friend first, my lover and then wife, second. When we got married right out of high school, fresh-faced and full of plans for our future, I never saw us ending up where we were even before Willow was taken from us. It’s easier to admit now, after six years and hours of soul-searching with Kendra, that Shannon and I never would have lasted forever. We were both too selfish, both too caught up in what we wanted as individuals. I want to blame her, but I can’t. I did wrong, too. I put my own wants and needs before hers. I wanted a life here in Jackson Bay with Burger Co. and a family. She wanted a penthouse in the city and a husband whose arm she could hang off for all her hoity toity parties. We’re vastly different people on completely different paths in life.

  And of course, one of us was fucking somebody else for almost the entire marriage.

  *

  Sabrina’s words stick with me throughout a sleepless night.

  When Matty traipses, bleary-eyed and rubbing his face, into the living room the next morning, I’m dialing my parents’ house. “C’mere, buddy,” I whisper, patting my knee. Climbing onto my lap in his dinosaur pajamas, Matty snuggles in and yawns into my t-shirt just as Mom picks up.

  “Kellan, this is unexpected! Did Lucas, Sabrina, and Matty arrive all right?”

  “They did, they’re all good. Matty’s right here, do you want to say ‘hi?’”

  “Oh, I’d love to. Put him on.”

  Matty mumbles a few words to his Gamma before passing the phone back and huddling against me. I can’t deny the warmth and comfort his sleepy embrace stirs in me. It reminds me of Piper’s boys snuggling into my chest by the fire pit the other night.

  It makes me want to run down the street to beg forgive
ness for acting like a fool.

  I don’t, though. Not yet. I need to start attempting to mend bridges with my mom, first.

  “So, uh, Mom, I was wondering…” I pause, blowing out a breath through my nose.

  Will I regret this? Maybe. Am I going to do it anyway?

  “I was wondering if I could come out and visit when I take my break after the summer rush. It’ll be late September, probably—”

  “Oh, Kellan, honey, that would be wonderful! Will you stay with us, or at a hotel? What am I saying, of course you’ll stay with us. We have more than enough room, and it’ll be so nice to have you under our roof again, like the old days.”

  Grinning at Mom’s ecstatic rambling, I breathe a sigh of relief and sink deeper into the couch cushions. “I can probably talk Carson into getting me a room at his hotel if it’s too much trouble, but yeah, I kinda figured I’d stay with you.” Swallowing hard, I blink away a sudden rush of tears. “I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

  “Oh, honey, we understand you’re busy, and it’s not always easy to drop everything to come out here. We’d be happy to have you come and stay with us in September, I can’t think of anything we’d like more.”

  Mom’s too-fast chatter is a sure sign she’s happy and excited, which is a relief. Honestly, I wasn’t sure she’d want me to come out after how strained things have gotten between us. We haven’t been close for a long time, but I hope to rectify that. I want to try to mend things.

  I listen to her jibber jabber for almost a half hour before Matty is awake enough to request French toast for breakfast.

  “Listen, Mom,” I interrupt gently, thankful for an excuse to cut her off. Baby steps, and all that. I don’t need to hear about every single thing she’s done in the last week, although it is nice not to be listening to how disappointed in me she is or battling through awkward silence, for a change. “Matty’s hungry, so I’m gonna have to go feed him.”

  After requesting a follow-up call to confirm travel plans nearer the time, Mom tells me she loves me and hangs up the phone.

  Swooping Matty into the air with a sudden burst of energy, I grin. “Well, buddy, what do you say—do you want to be my sous chef?”