His Frozen Heart

by Georgia Le Carre

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  “Okay. You ready to go home?”

  “Yeah.” I smiled at him.

  It felt strange after a week of the sterile air of the hospital to breathe in fresh, cold air again. It hurt my lung a bit, but I enjoyed the feeling of bitter cold air going into my system again, even if it did sting my lung some.

  We didn’t talk much in the car. I was tired, but happy. Very happy. I might even have dozed off. When I woke up again Kit was parking the car. His skin touched mine–so warm, as if he had just removed a pair of fleece-lined gloves. He squeezed my good shoulder, then bent to kiss my forehead.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, and there was a softness that spoke volumes.

  “Yeah,” I said slowly.

  “Let’s go inside,” he said softly.

  Kit came around to my side, and gently, as if I was made from spun sugar, helped me down. “Shall I carry you to the door?” he asked.

  “What, and have you drop me in the snow?” I joked.

  He didn’t laugh. Slowly, step by step, he led me to the door. He opened it and I heard the unmistakable clicking of a wolf’s claws on the hardwood floor behind me. I gasped in amazement. I hadn’t heard him come up. “Is it Lobo?” Kit told me how he found me surrounded by wolves.

  When I told him that Lobo had growled at me, he said that Lobo was growling to the others. Warning them to keep away from his human. He explained that when Lobo took my shoulder in his jaw he had done it to drag me along the driveway. Somehow, he managed to pull me up the steps to the porch. Then the wolves had sat around me guarding and keeping me warm.

  “Yes,” Kit said, his voice kinder than I had ever heard.

  I smiled for the first time in a long while. “He wants to come with me. He’s my buddy.”

  “If you want in, boy, you go right ahead,” Kit said.

  “I thought the wolves were not really allowed into the house.”

  Kit tightened his arm around me and dropped a kiss onto my hair. “He saved your life, Lara. As far as I’m concerned, he can have my bed.”

  I bit my lip. “I feel bad that I even for a moment thought they were going to eat me when I owe my life to Lobo and the rest of them.”

  “Hey, don’t worry about it. They don’t know and even if they did, animals don’t keep grudges. You were frightened and you were right to be cautious.”

  “I’m glad they’ll never know,” I said softly.

  “I’ll be damned. It looks like he’s going to curl up in front of the fire just like a dog.”

  “I guess that’s where I will curl up, too,” I said, and walked towards the hearth.

  A few minutes later we were all huddled around the fireplace as Kit made the fire roar. Lobo pressed against my feet, the warmth of his big body instantly cut through the chill. I reached down to scratch his ears.

  “We need to talk,” Kit said.

  “I agree. You go first.”

  “Look … I know I lied, and that was wrong. Very wrong. I’m very sorry about that.” Kit stood up and began to pace the floor. “I know when we parted the last time you said you never wanted to see me again, but I want to say something first, and then you can decide if you still want us to break up.”

  I opened my mouth to tell him I would have him even if it was only for a day, but Kit cut me off. “Please, just listen to me first.”

  “Okay,” I agreed quietly.

  Lara

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5N9IHqqGcA

  “I know I went away without any explanation of where I was going, or what I would be doing, but you have to understand that there are some things I just can’t tell you. That I will never be able to talk about. I will have to keep those secrets to myself, simply because … I took an oath.

  “All I can tell you is that I was sent to another country. It was a dangerous job. We were dealing with people who would have cut your hand off for your watch. I wish I could tell you everything, but all I can say is that it was a partial success. We didn’t get the bad guys but we got the guns and the drugs.

  He paused.

  “Anyway, there was a lot of gunfire going on and confusion, and my best buddy… Roger, I never told you about him because he was always a part of my other life. I didn’t know how to tell you about him without telling you everything else as well, but I can tell you about him now, I think.

  “Roger and I went into the service together. He was a Ranger for a long time before he switched over to the dark side, as he liked to say. He worked with me in special ops. He was as badass as they come. We went through everything together. He was there for me. Every mission, he was there.

  “Roger was a beer connoisseur. He laid his motorcycle down once because a car braked too fast in front of him, and he swore that was the only time he actually saw his life flash before his eyes. After that he was butch enough to lead a crew into hellfire, but he was too pussy to get on a motorcycle again.”

  Kit sat and sighed.

  “He had these magnetic brown eyes. The man was a fucking monster. We used to go on these trips to exotic beaches where he always got laid, sometimes three or four times in a night, and the most I got was sand in all the wrong places. He … he was brave and strong but he cried like a little boy when his dog died …”

  Kit took a deep breath.

  “He’s gone, Lara. He died in my arms on this last trip. He was standing in the wrong place at the wrong time and we didn’t see it coming until it was too late.”

  Kit’s voice was raw with hurt and sadness and it damn near broke my heart to hear him in that way. There was nothing I could do. His best friend would never return. I reached out to touch his shoulder. I felt Lobo push closer to him, and Kit wrapped an arm around the big wolf. He laid his head on my knee.

  “He’s gone, and I’m not going back, Lara. I’m out.”

  “You’re what?” My mind was reeling, thoughts bouncing back and forth like I was in a pinball machine. “What does that mean?”

  “It means exactly what you think it means,” he said.

  My heart leaped with disbelief.

  “I’m done with the military,” he confirmed. “I only have a few more months before I have to make the decision on whether to re-enlist. I’m not going to do it. I was going to … this job has been my life. But I’ve realized that I can’t have a life with someone if I stay with this.”

  I swallowed hard. I wanted so much for what he was saying to be real, but I dare not. “Kit, sometimes people make rash decisions when they are grieving …”

  “I know that, but this isn’t a knee-jerk reaction. Roger and I promised each other we would retire together. He didn’t get to retire the way he wanted, but he insisted that I should … and I agree. I’m done, honey. For real. For good.

  “And I know that it might not matter to you at this point. I know that you probably still plan to tell me goodbye. And that’s okay. I did lie to you. I kept things from you. I can understand if you want to go, but I have to warn you I won’t, I can’t let you go. Ever. You’re mine.

  “You were mine from the day you walked out of that blue Toyota. You were as clean and as wholesome as an apple. I took one look at you and thought, she’s blind, but she’s shining with light and I can see, but I’m living with darkness. I survived because of you. You’re the reason I wake up in the morning, Lara. I ain’t going to stop asking you to marry me. I’ve good knees so I can stay on bended knee for as long as it takes.”

  “Kit.” I squeezed his shoulder and pulled him closer to me. “Now it’s my turn to talk. Okay?”

  I took several deep breaths, trying to center myself, hoping that I wouldn’t cry. Stupid idea, as tears were already welling up and spilling onto my cheeks. “I came to your house that night because I had already made my decision. It was Elaine that made me realize that even if it was only one day I could have with you, I’d rather have that than nothing. No matter what suffering I have to go through you are worth every second of any kind of pain.�
��

  Kit’s hand tightened on mine.

  “It’s only when you went away that I really realized just how much I love you. I knew I loved you, but I never understood how deeply. I love you so much I felt like dying without you. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even function normally. I just sat at home in my pajamas until Elaine came around and then I quickly changed into some clothes and tried to pretend that I was normal.”

  “Wait … what did you say?”

  I smiled through the tears. “Very funny.”

  When Kit turned and threw his arms around me, Lobo had enough. He wiggled and got out of the way with a sound that was almost a sigh, as though he was a human who was tired of this nonsense. I listened as he curled up by the front door, and I imagined he was looking back at us with the air of a teenager dealing with mom and dad showing too much affection in his presence.

  I pulled away from Kit. “Kit, Mr. Haverbrooke said that Sawyer just upped sticks and left town after he shot me, but that can’t be true. I mean, I know he was a coward, but he would have figured he could fix anything once he’d married Kayleigh. Sawyer hasn’t left town, has he?”

  “I only ever lied the once to you, Lara. I won’t do it again. You sure you want to know the truth?”

  “I do. We’re in this together. No matter. If you go down, I go down.”

  “I let it go when he killed Chepi, but he crossed the line when he left you for dead. A psychopath won’t stop, and as long as he walked this earth I knew no one I loved would be safe. I couldn’t trust the Sheriff to do the right thing. So I took care of it myself.”

  “He’s dead?’’ I asked.

  “He’s gone, Lara. He’s never coming back. All that matters to me is you and my wolves are safe and this land is at peace.” Kit’s voice changed. “As long as I live no one will ever hurt you again my Princess.”

  In my heart I knew that Kit was right. Sawyer was criminally insane, and God only knew what he might have eventually done to Kayleigh. What if he’d kept his threat to come back for me? I sent a silent prayer of gratitude that could never happen now.

  “What happens if anybody finds out?” I asked.

  “I took steps to ensure that won’t ever happen. The earth will keep my secret long after we are gone.”

  Kit pulled me to him and held me so tightly it was hard to breathe. I finally had to push on his chest with both hands, just a little, to give us both enough space. I wasn’t done with what I had to say.

  “Sorry,” he apologized immediately.

  “So I decided that I would take you as you are, and learn to deal with the fact that you were in the military. Now that you tell me you are leaving it, I am ecstatically happy not to have to be left alone for days not knowing if you are alive or dead. But either way, I’m here, and I’m not leaving.”

  “Say that again,” he said, his words highlighted by his teasing tone.

  “That I’m not leaving?”

  “No. The other thing.”

  “I sure do love you, you sexy hunk.”

  Kit laughed as he pulled me close again, crushing me against his chest. “I love you too, you sassy, sweet, beautiful pain in my butt. You don’t know what I went through when I saw you lying on the porch. Fuck, I couldn’t go through that again. I thought for sure it was goodbye …”

  “Kit,” I whispered against his jaw.

  “Yeah?”

  “Now shut up and show me how much you love me.”

  He laughed against my lips before he stood up, slipped his arms underneath me, and lifted me as though I weighed nothing at all. His strong steps took us towards the stairs. “We don’t want Lobo to see this. I don’t want him getting ideas. You’re mine and he has to go find his own girl,” he said.

  He lowered me to the bed and his hands immediately went to my blouse. “Let me show you just how much I fucking love you,” he said, opening my blouse one button at a time, kissing the exposed skin as he made his way down.

  “Go on then,” I whispered, and he did. Over and over.

  Kit

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGJTaP6anOU

  “Do you want to come in with me or wait here?” I asked Lara.

  “I’ll wait here. You go and do what you have to,” she said, and smiled at me.

  “Okay, I won’t be long.” I kissed her and jumped out of the truck. I walked up to the front door of a small house with an immaculate lawn. A woman opened the door.

  “Hey, Marla,” I greeted.

  Her mouth dropped open. “Kit. What are you doing here?”

  “I was passing through and just thought I would stop by. Where’s Mike?”

  “At work,” she said slowly.

  “Kids at school?”

  “Yeah. You want to come in?” The years had not been so kind to her. There was something sad about her.

  “Sure,” I said.

  “You got someone in the car?”

  “That’s my girl Lara.”

  “Doesn’t she want to come in?”

  “No, she’s got a Dolly Parton CD on. Country music hurts my ears, so she has to find opportunities to listen when I’m not around.” I smiled at her.

  With an answering smile she opened the door wider, and I stepped into a neat space. There were floral curtains at the windows all tied up with pretty ribbons, and the sofas looked like miniature versions of the real thing. It was a bit like being in a doll’s house.

  She waved her hand towards the largest sofa. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “Thanks, but I’m all right,” I said.

  She nodded and went to perch on a pink armchair opposite. Clearing my throat uncomfortably, I folded my giant form into the little sofa.

  “So … what did you want to tell me?”

  “I wanted to tell you about Roger.”

  She frowned. “Roger? What about him?”

  “He’s gone. He passed on.”

  Her hands rushed to clasp her face. “No,” she whispered.

  “I’m sorry, Marla.”

  She looked confused. “How?”

  “Would you believe me if I told you someone pulled a gun on him in the car park of a bar. He got shot in the neck and died. No one knows who did it.”

  She shook her head. “No, I’d have to call you a liar. Nobody could pull a gun on Roger in the parking lot of a bar. He was too fast.”

  “That’s the official version.”

  She stared at me, her eyes wide. “Why does Roger’s death need an official version?”

  “Why do you think?”

  Her face paled and her hands clenched. “I thought he left the army.”

  I looked at her and said nothing.

  She breathed out. “Oh my God. It all makes sense now.”

  “I’m so sorry, Marla.”

  She nodded a few times. A phone rang somewhere in the house and she jumped up. “I have to answer that,” she said distractedly.

  “Sure, go ahead.”

  I heard her pick up the call in the hallway. “Oh, good,” she said. “That’ll be great. Yeah. No, no, everything is fine. I’m fine. I was dusting the house. Some dust in my throat. It’s fine. Everything is just fine. I’ll see you tonight. What? Oh, uh. Meatloaf. Yeah. Whatever you want. Yeah. I can make that too. Sure. Sure. No. I think there’s another carton of cookie dough ice cream in the freezer. Right. I’ll see you when you get home.”

  For a few minutes there is no sound at all then I hear her footsteps come back to the living room.

  “That was Mike,” she said.

  I smiled politely.

  “I love Mike.”

  I didn’t know what to say. I nodded. “I know.”

  “He’s a good man. He stood by me. I can trust him. You should leave now.”

  “Roger had a message for you.”

  Her mouth dropped open. “A message? For me?”

  “Yeah, he died in my arms. You were the last thing on his mind.”

  Her legs just gave way and she
collapsed to the floor. I rushed to help her to the sofa. “Shall I get you a glass of water?”

  “No, get me that bottle of whiskey over there.”

  I walked up to the little tray, picked up the bottle of whiskey, and turned to her. “Where are the glasses?”

  “Just bring the bottle,” she said harshly.

  I gave her the bottle and she swigged from it like a sailor. She must have drunk a quarter of the bottle’s contents. Then she closed her eyes. When she opened them they were different. “What’s the message?”

  “He wanted you to know he loved you. There was no one else for him. Ever.”

  She blinked very quickly. “Then why did he leave me?”

  “He wanted to protect you. He knew he would leave you a widow. He didn’t want that for you.”

  She began to cry then. Softly then harder and harder. “That was not his decision to make. I’ve lost everything. He broke my heart, Kit. He broke my heart.”

  “It was the job, Marla. It broke us all.”

  “You know what he used to say?”

  “What?”

  “He used to say there would be no more wars if politicians had to send their sons to fight.”

  “Yeah, and how right he was.”

  She swallowed and stood up. “Thank you for coming here.”

  “No problem.” I turned to leave. “Look, I can see myself out.”

  “Kit?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You remember that time we all went up to the mountain?”

  I smiled sadly at the memory. It was the last time we were all together. “Yeah, sure.”

  “We got married, you know? We exchanged rings under the moonlight and he swore to me that he would never love anybody else.”

  “He kept his promise, Marla.”

  “So did I,” she whispered, so softly I almost didn’t hear.

  Lara

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jorJh8DTMVM

  “Who all is out there, then?” I asked.

  Elaine walked to the door and opening it a crack, peeked out into the church interior. We were in the small room built to the side of the Church. It was really a sort of storeroom, but the minister had allowed us to use it for this occasion.