Murder By Accident

by Veronica Heley

  Ellie said, ‘Gilbert, do be careful, you know how nicknames stick …’

  Gilbert laughed, spectacles at the end of his nose as usual, ‘Thomas, meet Mrs Ellie Quicke, who looks as if butter wouldn’t melt, but who’s the best person to go to if you’re ever in hot water …’

  ‘Which I’m sure will be more often than she wishes to see me.’ Tum-Tum

  – no, she must remember to call him Thomas – shook her hand warmly. He was surrounded by a semicircle of the usual groupies who had once been devoted to Gilbert, had never quite taken to their curate Timid Timothy, and were now preparing to transfer their allegiance to Tum-Tum. Thomas.

  Ellie liked the look of Thomas. He was indeed a roly-poly creature, but he had dark quirky eyebrows rather like Gilbert’s, and eyes that told her he’d seen most things in his time but still had hope for humanity.

  ‘Come along,’ said Gilbert, steering Ellie away as one of the stewards brought up an important lady to introduce to Tum-Tum. Thomas. ‘I managed to tear my dear wife away from her clients and she’s been looking for you to have a chat. It seems a long time since we had a quiet day together.’

  ‘Quiet is what we don’t have, at home,’ said Liz, kissing Ellie on both cheeks. ‘We have to get away from the parish in order to get any peace. You’re looking lovely, Ellie. A new man in your life?’

  ‘Certainly not!’ said Ellie, going pink. ‘Why does everyone think …?’

  Joyce thrust her way between them. ‘Mrs. Quicke, I’m in dead trouble …’

  Gilbert put a soothing arm around Joyce’s shoulders. ‘My dear, it will all get sorted in the morning. Just you see.’ And to Ellie. ‘You know our dear John at the charity shop, who was going to give Joyce away? Well, his wife’s been poorly again and now he’s not sure he can make it, so …’

  ‘Will I do?’ asked Roy, handing Ellie a plate of assorted bites to eat. ‘I seem to remember that I offered to act for the bride in case of need, some time ago.’

  ‘Oh. Would you? So kind,’ said Joyce, giving the opposite impression. Gilbert, Liz and Ellie struggled not to laugh. Joyce was the most graceless of girls, almost as bad as Diana.

  Diana. Ellie looked at her watch. Was Diana all right? Ellie wished she’d rung her before she came out.

  Joyce’s fiancé, the scoutmaster, shook Roy by the hand. ‘Would you really do the honours? We’d be so grateful. Joyce here was so distressed.’

  Joyce didn’t look distressed. She looked angry. Ellie held back a sigh and bit into a mushroom vol-au-vent.

  ‘Got your soup and fish?’ asked Gilbert. ‘Morning suit, the full works? Got to do Joyce justice, haven’t we?’

  ‘Can do,’ said Roy. ‘But what are you two doing here, when you should be out with your friends celebrating your last night of freedom?’

  The scoutmaster opened his mouth to reply, but Joyce quelled him with a look. ‘Oh, we don’t want any of that silly nonsense, people being made to get drunk and tied to lamp posts without their trousers on, and strippergrams …’

  The scoutmaster looked as if he might quite have enjoyed having a strippergram at a bachelor party, but it was not to be. Joyce had said so.

  Ellie tried not to giggle and moved closer to Liz. ‘Have you heard we’ve had another little problem here?’

  ‘Mm,’ said Liz, round a mouthful of cheese and pineapple. ‘Someone said the police had made an arrest. I was never so shocked.’

  Oh, Diana, thought Ellie. ‘No,’ she said. ‘I hadn’t heard that.’

  ‘Stabbed four times, they said in the papers. All over a parking space which each of them claimed as theirs. Makes you think about putting a chain on the door. Have you got one, Ellie?’

  ‘Chain on the door? Er, no.’ Relief. It was nothing to do with theirmurder. Or accident. Whichever.

  ‘Must ring you, Ellie. The most exciting thing has happened, and we thought you might like to come, too. That is, if you’re free …’

  Someone rapped on the table, calling for Silence.

  ‘Speeches!’ said Gilbert, in disgust.

  Someone rapped even more loudly, even longer. The hubbub was beginning to die away. People jostled for position, trying to see who’d called for silence. The new vicar was completely hidden, being on the short side. At least Gilbert had been easily visible, standing six foot four in his socks.

  Someone clutched Ellie’s arm and whispered, ‘Ellie, can you come and help?’

  It was Rose, wearing an apron over her blouse, buttons already awry. ‘There’s mountains of washing-up and someone’s dropped out so there’s only me to do it.’

  Ellie nodded. She slid her plate, still half full of food, into Roy’s willing hand and threaded her way through the throng to the kitchen at the back. Someone had been round collecting dirty plates and had dumped them on the end table where the food had been laid out. There were also about a dozen plates with a few slices of quiche or a couple of biscuits on them.

  ‘Pray silence for …’

  A burst of laughter behind them. Gilbert was getting into his stride. Everyone said he could make a cat laugh and he probably could, if he’d tried. Not that he would bother. Full of common sense, was Gilbert.

  The kitchen looked as if it had been hit by a landslide, with toppling piles of plates, cutlery and glasses everywhere. Ellie found herself an apron and some rubber gloves, and started on the washing-up. She wondered why the social committee hadn’t gone in for paper plates and cups this time. She cleared soggy pieces of pastry out of the plughole and looked for a new bottle of washing-up liquid, as the old one was finished.

  Rose fluttered in with a tray full of oddments and set it down with a clatter. The sound of speeches drifted into the kitchen when Rose opened the door and shut off when she let it fall to behind her.

  ‘… for goodness knows when we’ll be finished here. I thought that at least Jean would have come to help us as she’s supposed to be organizing everything today, but no …’ Rose dumped the contents of her tray on the draining board and disappeared with her tray, still talking. Jean was not one of Ellie’s favourite people, being of a jealous, quarrelsome disposition. It didn’t really surprise Ellie that Jean’s arrangements had come adrift. She’d probably quarrelled with whoever it was who’d agreed to do the washing-up.

  Ellie cleared the draining board by the simple process of transferring everything to the floor and started again.

  ‘… and for all that she’s putting a brave face on it, I can see she’s dead worried, and so should I be in her shoes, wouldn’t you, Ellie?’

  ‘Aunt Drusilla?’

  ‘Who else should I mean? It’s taken it out of her, I can see. It’s a real effort for her to hold her head upright, so soon after that fall that she had, it’s done her no good at all.’

  Ellie nodded, which was all that Rose needed to continue. Rose seized a tea towel and started to dry the cups Ellie had washed. Jean – a tiny dynamo of a woman with faded hair – crashed into the kitchen with another tray of dirty things, gave them a black look and disappeared.

  ‘… I’m really glad to have this chance to talk to you about her, Ellie, because I don’t want to put myself forward where I’m not wanted, and I can see you’re up to your eyes with other things. I thought that if I could catch you on your own, we could have a little chat and I could ask you if you thought it would be all right, because I wouldn’t dream of doing it if you didn’t like it, as I’m sure you know, us having been friends for so long …’

  ‘What is it you want to do, Rose?’

  ‘Miss Quicke’s asked me to move in with her permanently. She really does need someone to be there all the time, just to see that she eats regularly and takes her pills. Oh, she told me not to tell you about the pills, but I really think you ought to know, don’t you, Ellie? It’s only for her blood pressure.’

  ‘Blood pressure? I picked up some bottles of pills by her bedside yesterday, but I didn’t think to look what they were for. I didn’t even know she had high blood pre
ssure.’

  ‘She didn’t want you to know. She says you’ve got enough on your plate and indeed I had to agree with her. It seems as if it were meant, don’t you think, that I should move in with her? Only, I won’t if you think I’m interfering, pushing my nose in where it’s not wanted. I’d better get on with the clearing up, hadn’t I? That new vicar, what’s his name, he’s a real card, isn’t he …?’ Still talking, she disappeared back into the hall.

  When she returned, still talking, Ellie cut across her words. ‘I think, Rose, that you’re the best thing that could possibly have happened to my aunt. She’s very fond of you already, and I know she’s worried that you won’t want to live with her any more, after that terrible accident …’

  ‘She says I saved her life. What do you think of that?’

  Ellie tipped out the bowl of dirty water and refilled with fresh. ‘In what way?’

  ‘Well, when she was by herself, she always went up to bed early because she was bored and she couldn’t get comfortable in her chair so it was better to lie in bed. She’d switch on the telly in her bedroom and maybe not even bother to turn it off but leave it on all night, to keep her company. Only, I found her a couple of special cushions for her chair, which makes it so much more comfortable for her, and in the evenings we’ve been watching the ten o’clock news together and waiting for the weather forecast so that we could plan what to do next day, and of course she knows I’m within call if she wants anything in the night though she never does, or hardly ever. So she hasn’t been turning her television on upstairs at all for … oh, a long time now. She says I saved her life because I’ve made it so much more interesting that she didn’t need to turn the telly on at night, so she hasn’t and that’s why she didn’t get the shock. Wasn’t that a lovely thing to say?’

  Like the White Rabbit she seized another tray and disappeared again. Jean reappeared, carrying a pile of dirty serving plates, which she dumped on the table without a word and retreated.

  Rose reappeared, saying, ‘That’s almost the lot, except for those who’ve left their cups and plates under their chairs and we won’t find them till they’ve cleared the hall, and everyone thinks that Tum-tum is the best thing …’

  Oh dear, thought Ellie. That nickname’s going to stick. She hugged Rose. ‘I do love you, Rose. Aunt Drusilla is absolutely right. You’ve made a great difference to her life and I’d be absolutely thrilled if you did move in with her permanently. But are you sure you want to give up your independence for her?’

  ‘Oh, we’ve thought it all out,’ said Rose, drying up as rapidly as she talked.‘I’m to have my own rooms furnished as I want them, with whatever pieces I want to bring over from my little flat, although really, dear, I’m not sure I want to bring any of my old stuff except perhaps one or two things of my mother’s. And my plants, of course. Then I’m to have as much time off as I want, with a minimum of two days a week, she says, plus every afternoon when she’s having a nap. And Miss Quicke wants to buy me an annuity, and …oh, but this is where I need to ask you about it, Ellie, for she wants to give me – actually give me! – one of her little flats, to be rented out to give me an income till I have need for it. I’m to keep it for ever! Only, I’m afraid she can’t really mean that. I mean … it’s too much, isn’t it?’ She seized plates and cups and began slotting them back into the cupboards.

  ‘It’s only what you deserve,’ said Ellie and meant it. ‘You must also hold out for a cleaner to come in several times a week, and a gardener. And a proper wage.’

  Rose squeezed her eyes shut. ‘It’s too good to be true. I keep telling myself I’ll wake up one day. A flat – not a council flat – but a retirement flat just for me! In the meantime I get to live in that lovely house – well, it will be lovely when it’s finished, with a proper tiled bathroom that I can choose the tiles for myself, and my own television in my own rooms! The peace and quiet of it! No noisy radios and stereos from next door. No shoutings and screamings and filth on the stairs. No lifts out of order and needles left on the staircase! Just for helping to make someone’s life a bit easier! I think I’ve always needed to have someone to look after, and I’ve been so lonely since Joyce left, not that she ought to have stayed with me, of course …’

  ‘Dear Rose, it couldn’t happen to a nicer person and I personally am very grateful to you. Roy will be, too. He loves his mother dearly, but handy about the house he is not.’

  Rose seemed to shrink into herself. ‘Yes, but Diana …’

  ‘If we can put up with her moaning, then so can you.’

  Rose sighed. ‘It’s so sad, though. Miss Quicke feels it, I know. Her only great-niece.’

  ‘Cheer up, we’ll get Roy another wife and maybe he’ll produce some little ones to run around and upset your peace and quiet.’

  Rose giggled. ‘Oh, do you really think he would? Wouldn’t that be lovely?’

  Jean bashed her way back into the kitchen. She avoided having to speak to Ellie if she could, but tonight it wasn’t possible to do so. ‘They’re nearly all gone. Can I leave you to finish clearing up?’

  Rose was alarmed. ‘Is dear Miss Quicke waiting for me? I’d better go to her.’

  Jean said, ‘Is that the old woman who’s promised to give some money for rebuilding the church hall? She’s talking to some strange girl, over by the door. Ellie, can I rely on you to see the place is clean and tidy before you go?’

  Ellie nodded, slipping the last stack of plates into the hot water. She suspected no one had as yet bothered to tidy up and sweep the floor clean next door, and that she would have to do it before she left.

  Jean disappeared and someone else bumped their way into the kitchen.

  Stewart, manoeuvring a sleeping Frank in his pushchair before him.

  ‘Ellie, thank God I’ve found you!’

  Ellie pulled down a rubber glove to check on the time. ‘Stewart, what on earth are you doing, bringing little Frank out at this time of night?’

  ‘I tried phoning you at home, no reply, and you’ve got your mobile switched off as usual. Little Frank was fractious so I popped him in his pushchair, thinking I’d walk over with him – he always goes to sleep quickly if I walk him at night, and it worked a treat. You weren’t at home though the lights were on in the sitting room, but your neighbour was passing – that big woman, does the flower arranging – she saw me at the door and said you were probably still here.

  ‘The thing is that Diana left a message on my mobile to say that the childminder was bringing him back to me for the weekend and of course I’m thrilled to have him with me, but I really have to work tomorrow and I can’t ask the childminder because she doesn’t do it over the weekends and I’m really stuck.’

  ‘So you thought I could have him with me?’ Swiftly she reviewed what was going to happen tomorrow, singing in the choir at the wedding, the wedding reception, and then the Golf Club dinner dance. If she dropped out of the choir, there’d be trouble. If she didn’t go to the wedding reception, Bill would be justifiably upset. The same with the dinner dance. Besides, she’d bought all those new clothes and had her hair done … no, that was being selfish.

  ‘Let me think. I’ve various things arranged, but …’ She balanced the last plate on the draining board, tipped out the water and drew off the rubber gloves with a sigh of relief.

  Stewart picked up a drying-up cloth and got down to work. There was something to be said for a man having a virago for a wife, if it taught him to take his share of the household chores. Catch her husband Frank in the kitchen!

  He said, ‘You were quite right, what you said yesterday morning at the flat. I don’t know what came over me, letting things slip like that. So I went down to the cleaning agency and made it up with them, and I got rid of the people that Diana uses.’

  Ah-ha, thought Ellie. Making a clean sweep of everything that reminds him of his wife?

  ‘I’ve got the cleaners to meet me first thing tomorrow at that appalling flat that I showed Miss Quicke the o
ther day, and they said they’d work through, time and a half on Saturdays, but it will be worth it.’

  ‘Good boy,’ said Ellie, stacking dried plates. ‘Did you get your own money transferred out of the joint bank account?’

  ‘I did.’ He grimaced. ‘As I left the bank, I noticed Diana arriving. I didn’t hang around.’

  Ellie considered telling him that he couldn’t always run away, but forebore. The poor lad was doing pretty well, considering. She said, ‘I could look after little Frank till eleven o’clock, but I have to sing at a wedding at half past and then go on to the wedding reception.’

  ‘Couldn’t you take him with you? Or perhaps Mrs Rose …?’

  ‘She has enough to do, looking after my aunt.’ She hesitated.‘I suppose I could drop out of singing at the wedding, but it would be pushing my luck to take him on to the wedding reception.’

  He gave her a hug. ‘You’re wonderful. I’ll just help you clear up here, shall I, and then see him safely to your place.’

  ‘No, I’ve got Rose and Aunt Drusilla staying. You’ll have to take him back with you tonight.’

  He looked devastated. ‘This is a miserable affair, isn’t it?’ he said. ‘Trying to find somewhere to put one small boy, who’s quite blameless? I’m sorry, Mother-in-law. Ellie. I ought not to have asked you to help. Frank’s my responsibility now, and I’ll work something out. I’ll take him with me to work. Why not? The cleaners will be delighted to have someone else to make a fuss of.’

  ‘You’re a good boy, Stewart. I know little Frank’s safe in your hands. Would it help if I had him till I’m due at church? As to the future, I’m sure Aunt Drusilla and Rose will be able to go back to their place soon, and then I’ll be more free to help out.’

  He was a handsome enough lad, she had to admit. Squared shoulders, head held high. Honest, dependable, and a good father. Diana would regret dumping him one day. Perhaps.

  She’d finished up in the kitchen. Frank was still fast asleep, clean and sweet-smelling in his pyjamas under his cosy outdoor suit. She opened the door into the hall. Dismay. There was no one there, but the chairs had been left higgledy-piggledy, and the floor was littered with crumbs and sugar. None of the tables had been put away, either. Stewart was preparing to leave.