Tempt Me: A First Class Romance Collection

by Jessica Hawkins

  “I know, but I have to be up in five hours,” he says. “Can you at least tell me where you are so I know you’re okay?”

  “What I meant was I need to talk. You can listen.”

  He starts to remind me of an important meeting in the morning he can’t afford to doze off in. I don’t want to hurt Rich; I’d rather let him down gently. But he can’t even give me a minute to break up with him, so I rip off the Band-Aid. “We’re over, Rich.”

  He pauses. “You know I didn’t mean what I said earlier about you not coming over anymore. I was mad.”

  “It’s not about that.”

  “We fought, Halston. I know we rarely do it, but it’s normal. It’s probably even good for us. Couples fight.”

  I shake my head, looking outside to avoid Finn’s gaze. “The fight was nothing. It just opened my eyes.”

  “To?”

  “We aren’t right for each other. I don’t think we need to get into the nitty-gritty details, because you know it’s true.”

  It’s so silent, I can almost hear the flakes of snow brushing against the window. “All right, Halston. You want to split? Sure. Let’s do that.”

  I’d like to thank him and hang up, but I get the feeling the conversation isn’t over.

  “I mean,” he continues wryly, “calling me in the middle of the night to end a two-year relationship is completely rational. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that you’ve stopped seeing your doctor and taken your treatment into your own hands. The two aren’t related at all.”

  I feel Finn’s eyes on me. The apartment is deadly quiet. I turn my face and whisper, “It’s not about that.”

  “No?” he asks. “And I’m a Russian spy. Obviously, messing with your dosage is your reason for storming off and then calling me like this. We’ve been good up until a few days ago.”

  “No we haven’t,” I say more heatedly. “I’ve wanted this for a long time, I just didn’t know it.”

  Shit. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. I’m not even sure if I mean it. If I backtrack, though, what will Finn think?

  “Is that true?” Rich asks.

  “Yes. No. I don’t know.” I haven’t really thought of leaving Rich in the active sense. Once in a while, I wonder if there’s more out there for me or if it matters that something between us has always felt off. He’s the first man to love me, though. Finn is the first to pursue me.

  “If you’re not sure, why the hurry?” he asks. “Go home. Sleep. We can talk at work tomorrow. I’ll even cancel my second meeting.”

  Finn watches me. With him, there are no guarantees. Is my urge to take that risk a red flag? Or an inner push toward something better? If I want Finn, there can’t be any in between or uncertainty; he’s made that clear. Maybe he’s the wrong choice. Maybe he’ll hurt me. At least I’ll feel something, though, and that’s more than I can say for Rich. “There’s nothing to talk about aside from logistics,” I tell Rich. “I love you as a friend, but as a partner—”

  “We can pick this up tomorrow,” he repeats.

  “There is no tomorrow.”

  “Yes there is. At the office. Where you and I will both be. And your dad, who won’t be on board with this.”

  “I’ll handle my dad,” I say, even though I’d rather elope with Finn than stay and deal with my dad’s disappointment. “Please box up my things and—”

  “Have you been drinking?” he asks.

  My face warms. I’m not sure if Finn can hear. “No. Have the boxes sent to my apartment. Charge it to Dad’s delivery service.”

  “Is it something else?” he presses. “Something worse to cope with everything?”

  “Everything?”

  “I know this time of year is hard for you.”

  Terrified he’ll bring up my mother and make this night even more uncomfortable, I shake my head. “I have to go. Please just tell me you get that we’re breaking up.”

  “Fine,” he says. “Take the time you need. I hope I’ll still be here when you realize your mistake.”

  Mistake. I have no doubt he intentionally chose that word to drill home the point that without my meds, I can’t make rational decisions. “Goodn—”

  He hangs up. I check the screen. Three minutes, eleven seconds. That’s how long it took to extricate myself from Rich. Appropriate, I guess, considering this relationship often felt half-assed. Two years lost, just like that. It’s angering in a way. Years of my youth have been spent bending to other people’s wills. The worst part is, it’s my own fault. It was easier to accept what I had than convince myself I was worth more.

  “Hey,” Finn says from above me. I didn’t even hear him approach.

  I look up and realize my vision is blurred. “Hey.”

  He frowns. “I’m sorry.”

  I shake my head, and a few tears fall onto my cheeks. “I’m not crying over him.”

  He wipes under my eye with his thumb. “It’s okay if you are. You’re allowed.”

  “I just feel like I’m waking up from a long sleep. Not even a restful one.” I could be referring to the break up or my meds. Both, I guess. “I’ve wasted so much time.”

  “We’ll make up for it,” he murmurs.

  “Was that enough?” I ask. “Are you satisfied?”

  He pulls me against his chest, tightening his arms around me. “Don’t worry about me right now.”

  “But—”

  “Will you let me hold you?”

  I’m stiff as a board with my hands at my sides. I force myself to relax against his body, hug his middle, and rest my chin on his chest. “Better?” I whisper.

  “Yeah.” He searches my eyes a few silent seconds before bending his head. My mouth opens for his like we’ve done this a million times, but I’ve never been struck by lightning, and that’s how his kiss feels—electric, exceptional, and bigger than us. His lips are as soft and full as they look, but more firm, more certain, than I’m used to. They’re made to kiss away my tears while inciting a fire in me. I could fall in love this second or fuck him until one of us goes blind.

  He cradles my face in his hands.

  Fall in love.

  Then slides them down my back to grip my ass.

  Fuck him blind.

  “I want you as mine,” he growls.

  “I want to be yours.”

  He hooks a finger into the waistband of my skirt. “Say that again.”

  We breathe into each other’s mouths. It’s too soon to tell him I think I already am his. So I untie his sweatpants instead. “Let me show you how badly I want it.”

  He stills my hands. “It’s too soon. You’re vulnerable.”

  I haven’t thought of much else in a week. Just him. Finn Finn Finn. Seeing him. Fucking him. Posing for him. I’ve already forgotten about Rich, and right now, I can’t even remember a life outside this apartment. “I’m ready,” I say.

  “You’re not. It’s been a rough day.”

  “That’s why I need this.” I move even closer. He releases my hands, and I slide them up his chest, around his neck. “Please,” I murmur, rising onto the balls of my feet to nuzzle his neck. I can smell him now, woodsy hints mixed with sweat and brine. He only came in his pants a few minutes ago, and I can almost convince myself I can smell that too. “I have to feel good.” I beg for a kiss and he gives me one. “I haven’t felt good in so long.”

  He rests his forehead against mine. “We can’t.”

  “We couldn’t ten minutes ago. Now we can. We so can.”

  “No, I mean, we actually can’t.” He takes my shoulders but seems to brace me instead of pull me off. “I don’t have any condoms. I wasn’t expecting . . .”

  Score. The red light is actually green. I smile as I suck the skin right underneath his jaw, leaning my weight on him. He’s unmistakably hard against my belly. “I’m on birth control.”

  His head falls back. “Doesn’t matter. I won’t.”

  I might be insulted at his insinuation if I weren’t
so eager to move this along. “I’m clean. Rich and I haven’t even been intimate in a month. Are you?”

  “Yes, but . . .” He finally succeeds in detaching my mouth from him. “But I just can’t. It’s not a conversation for the heat of the moment.”

  The last thing I want to do is get into another deep conversation.

  “I’ll go get condoms,” he says. “Make coffee while you wait. That’ll give us each time to think this through.”

  I was wrong. Talking isn’t the last thing I want to do. The last fucking thing I want to do is think. I’m not worried I’ll change my mind, or that I need time to get over Rich. It’s that I’ve fantasized about this so long—urgent need, hunger, a real man. After years of dulling everything around me, including sex, I want to be devoured by Finn. I don’t want to talk or think because I’m so hot for him, I’m about to strap on a harness and climb him like the mountain he is.

  If he won’t fuck me, there are other ways to get close to him.

  I drop to my knees on the kitchen tile.

  “Halston.” I hear the warning in his voice.

  “You don’t have to do anything,” I coo, blinking up at him. “Just stand here.”

  His eyes darken. “I’m bigger than you’re used to.” Another warning.

  “How do you know?”

  “I just do.”

  I pull his pants down his thighs. His heather-gray boxer-briefs outline every ridge and vein of him. He’s right. He’s not like any of the other three men I’ve been with, but at least I’m not intimidated.

  “I’m not as hard since I just came,” he says. “I will be once you touch me.”

  Oh.

  He’s not completely hard yet?

  Fuck.

  He pinches my chin and turns my face up to him. “You have nothing to prove. We can go lie down until we fall asleep. I just want to be with you.”

  “I haven’t done this much,” I say, determined. Rich was the only man I felt comfortable enough to blow. He liked it at the start of the relationship, but we fell into a routine that didn’t include it unless he asked. Which he didn’t. “You might have to sort of, you know, coach me.”

  He shakes his head in disbelief. “I stand corrected. You didn’t even have to touch me to get me fully hard.”

  I blush. “You like the idea of me being your student?”

  “Let’s take it one step at a time, all right? I can’t manage roleplaying on top of this.”

  “So that’s a yes?” I run my hands up his thighs.

  “I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

  “You already said that. But if you don’t, how else will I earn my ‘A’?”

  His nostrils flare. With his eyes on me, he pulls himself out. I glance down, and my heart skips. Now I’m intimidated. I can’t handle all that, especially with my lack of experience. What if I don’t do a good job? What if after all this build up, I’m just okay? We’ve based important decisions on our chemistry, and if it isn’t there, where does that leave us?

  I glance up at him. Finn’s been respectful so far, but now I wonder if I pushed too hard. There’s an edge to him that both thrills and unnerves me.

  “I love when you look at me like that,” he says. “So innocent, and yet so far from it at the same time.”

  I put my hand around his shaft, test him with my tongue, and meet his eyes. I’ve heard men like that, and he just told me as much. I open my mouth, determined to take all of him, but I only get halfway before I have to pull back. I play it off like I wasn’t even trying. He’s sticky and salty from earlier, and the thought dampens my underwear.

  I run the tip of my tongue around his crown. “Tell me what to do.”

  With a moan, he runs his fingers through my hair and takes my roots in a light fist. “You’re perfect.”

  “Tell me.”

  “Suck,” he says. I put my mouth on him and pull, bobbing my head back and forth. I do it until my jaw aches and he says, “Yeah. Like that. Deeper.”

  I inhale through my nose and take as much of him as I can, and then even more. My mouth is crammed with him when I go too far and gag. I jerk back. My throat constricts as I gasp for air. “I’m sorry,” I wheeze.

  “That my cock’s too big for your mouth?” he asks, gravel in his voice. “I’m not. And you won’t be later, either.”

  I wipe saliva from my chin. “What?”

  His grin borders on sinister as he takes my upper arm. “Come up here.”

  “Am I that bad?” I ask, standing.

  “No. I’m stopping you so I don’t come now and end the night early.” He takes my face in his hands and leans in.

  I pull away. “I just gave you a blowjob.”

  “And?” He holds me in place and kisses me full on the mouth. “You better get un-squeamish, Hals.” He lowers his voice, trailing kisses down my neck. “So I can kiss you when I want. Touch you where I want. Fuck you how I want. You can always say no, but just assume I want all of it.”

  Hals. Nobody’s ever called me that before. I raise my chin toward the ceiling, exposing my neck for him. I think I was going to ask him what “all” he’s referring to, but I’m quickly losing my train of thought.

  Finn embraces my waist and lifts me, walking me backward. He sits me on a surface. “The kitchen table?” I ask.

  “Of course. This is where I eat all my meals.”

  Before I can ask what he means, Finn attaches his lips to mine like he needs my breath to keep him upright. He tugs my blouse from my skirt, separating from me only long enough to pull it over my head.

  Planting a paw-like hand on each side of me, he traps me where I am. “Let me see you.”

  I sit up straight. Our mouths almost touch. Sucking in my tummy, I reach back and unclasp my bra. My breasts are one area I’ve never had complaints, but when I lost weight, they got a little smaller. Rich and I slept together less and less over the past few months, even though he made sure I knew how much better I looked thinner.

  Finn nods once, urging me on, and I slide both straps down my shoulders.

  He stares while I try not to look at his cock, hard and reaching between us. “What the fuck’d I do to deserve these?” he asks, thumbing one of my hardening nipples. “You’ve got the tits of a . . . I don’t even know. A chick with great tits.”

  I can’t really blame him for going dumb. I did too a couple minutes ago. I’m more concerned with what he thinks of the rest of me. Finn’s the most attractive man I’ve ever been with.

  The elastic of my skirt and tights creates a roll of fat. Like my breasts, it’s smaller than it used to be, but Finn doesn’t know that. “Finn?”

  “Hmm?” Without looking away from my breasts, he runs a hand under my skirt and licks his lips. “Can I just . . . taste you everywhere and all at once?” he asks.

  I smile shyly, and finally, he looks back into my eyes. “You like it?” I ask.

  “Like what?”

  “All of it. Some of it?”

  He squints at me. “You’re asking if I find you attractive?”

  My chest tightens. If he says no, I don’t trust myself not to react badly. I shouldn’t’ve asked when tonight’s been going so well. “You don’t have to answer.”

  Propping himself up with one arm, he scoops his other around my waist and hauls me to the edge of the table. My legs open wider, automatically wrapping around him as he pushes his cock right up against me. I gasp louder than I mean to.

  “It likes you,” he says. “I like you.”

  “Yes, but—”

  “It wants to be inside you. I want to be inside you.”

  “Okay.” I blush. “I get it.”

  He moves against me slowly, every nuance of his shaft sliding between my legs, over my silky tights. “It wants to make you feel so good, you’re ruined. Right here, right now. I won’t let it, not tonight anyway, but that’s what it wants.”

  I begin to quiver. The table is cold, even through my stockings. He’s all man, bordering
on Neanderthal, and I’m certain sex with him will be unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.

  “Are you afraid?” he asks.

  “A little.”

  “Good. You should be. This is scary. Are you good with that?”

  His words have the opposite effect they should. They’re more calming than troubling. He recognizes this is more than just sex. If he means to ruin me, I don’t have the desire to stop him. “Yes.”

  He holds me in place by my lower back. “I don’t want casual sex, I never have. I want you to come knowing I’m doing this to you. I’m giving you this and taking what I need from you. I’m watching you. That’s why I couldn’t do this before. I have to know you’re not holding back a single fucking thing from me.”

  If I let him in the way he’s asking . . . what if I have to one day rid myself of him? I won’t be able to. This feels permanent. Being ruined takes on a new meaning.

  He skates his hand up my spine, to the center of my back, and applies pressure until I arch into him. My nipples graze his chest. “Does that answer your question?” he asks.

  “What was my question?”

  He smirks and lowers his mouth to suck the skin between my breasts. I gulp air and let my head drop back. My nipples are painfully erect when he draws one between his teeth.

  “Oh, God, Finn.” He tugs. Sucks it hard. Lets it go with a pop. “God. Please.” I pray for relief. It’s too much. It’s not enough.

  “You like that?” he asks. “Because I’m about to do the same thing to your clit.”

  When I squirm, I’m reminded my legs are still open. Suddenly, I want to get my tights the fuck off. I want for him to tease me, sliding, filling, slamming until I feel nothing else.

  Finn lays me on my back. “Shut your eyes,” he says. “Just focus on what I’m doing.”

  My lids are already heavy, so I give in. He urges my hips up to undo my skirt. The zipper ends right at my tailbone, eliciting a shudder from me. He pulls the waistband of my tights down around my thighs and leaves them there, cutting into my skin. “Do you have the kind of tights that stop halfway up your thighs?” he asks.

  “Stockings? I can get some.”

  “Get some.” He removes them. “Cheap ones.”

  “Why do they need to be cheap . . .?”