The Casual Rule

by AC Netzel

  My hands splay across his bare chest, touching the smooth muscle beneath his warm skin. He lifts his hand to my face, his index finger tracing my lips. I press a delicate kiss on his fingertip. He glides his finger up to my cheek, caressing it as he slides down my neck, lazily skimming across the nape of my neck to my shoulder.

  He cups my face and kisses me, a long drugging kiss, passionately claiming my mouth, slowly, sensually. He breaks our kiss and nuzzles my neck, running a trail of feather-light kisses from my neck to the curve of my shoulder.

  I can’t take it anymore. I want all of him, everything he has to give, naked with nothing between us. I pull away and grab the waistline of his pants, unbuttoning the button and pulling down his zipper. I slide my hands inside his pants and run my fingers through his pubic hair, gently brushing over the dewy tip of his erection. He closes his eyes as a low groan escapes from the back of his throat. I know I’ve got him under my spell. I bend down to the floor and pull down his pants and boxer briefs until he steps out of them.

  He clasps both my hands and takes me to the edge of his bed. I lower myself on the bed, lying down, never breaking eye contact, as he joins me, lying next to me. He pulls me close to him, as our bodies melt into each other. This skin on skin contact is fueling my need for him. His hand trails down my side until he reaches my inner thigh. Gently he pushes my thighs apart, rubbing a finger between my swollen folds then plunging into my wetness. My back arches up, responding to his touch as I always do. My hips begin rocking up, swaying to his rhythm. I breathe in little gasps, as the sensation inside me is building, building, building. My body briefly stiffens, as uncontrollable contractions take over, wave after wave of glorious bliss. I moan, in helpless surrender. Surely this is heaven.

  I turn my head and look at him, my eyes full of grateful lust. He runs his nose across my jaw line, then kisses down to my breasts, taking each nipple in his mouth, sucking and teasing me with his tongue. He reaches over to his nightstand, grabbing a condom and rolls it on. Slowly, he climbs on top of me, parting my legs wide with his. I gladly oblige, giving myself to him. Not just my body, but my soul. I am his and I will do anything for this man. He kisses me hard and passionately then stares deeply into my eyes, my unrestrained desire staring back at him. He knows he’s captured all of me. I want him like I’ve never wanted him before. I need this. I’ve missed this.

  He pulls one of my knees up and in one long slow motion, plunges deep inside me, joining his body to mine. My hips arch up against him. He begins to really move, thrusting in a slow calculating rhythm, rotating his hips. This isn’t our usual hard punishing pounding. This is slow and deliberate. He’s taking his time, sensually grinding his body into mine. We move together like we’re one, the way only lovers can do.

  His hand tenses around my leg and I know he’s there. I press up to meet his thrusts. He calls out my name as I feel his shattering release. He leans on his forearms as he looks down at me, gazing deep in my eyes, like he’s looking into my soul. His expression is warm, tender. We say nothing. We don’t need to. Our eyes say everything… and it takes my breath away. He smiles, rubbing his nose against mine. He sweetly kisses my lips and moves next to me, catching his breath as we collapse in our afterglow.

  He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.

  I know in this moment, that for the first time, we did not just have sex. This was cherishing, tender, meaningful. This was more. For the first time, we made love.

  And it was beautiful.

  ~o0o~

  I lie on my side and watch Ben sleep; his chest peacefully rising and falling. I think back to our lovemaking and smile. I would have never believed I’d end up here, feeling so content and happy. I don’t remember the last time I felt so complete. I reflect on our times together, fighting our attraction, and then finally giving in to it. The laughs we’ve had, things we’ve shared. I think about the things my mom said to me before we left New Jersey and all the lectures from Allie. I know they saw my truth before I did.

  I lie on my back, facing the ceiling and close my eyes. Warm tears stream down my face as I realize I can no longer lie to myself.

  I love him.

  Chapter 16

  I spent the entire night watching Ben sleep and trying to figure out what to do about my epiphany. He looks so peaceful and I’m a bundle of nerves. Why didn’t I see this happening? Why didn’t I stop it? How could I be so blind to something that was clearly right in front of me?

  I love him. Damn. What am I supposed to do about this? I think I’m going to throw up. I know it’s too late now. Once I finally admitted my true feelings to myself, I realize I’m in deep.

  Shit.

  I sneak out of bed, careful not to wake Ben, find my black silk nightgown still in a pile on the floor where we left it last night and slip it on. Quietly, I walk into the living room and sit on the couch, my back leaning against the arm rest with my legs spread across, staring out the window into the darkness of the night. What am I going to do? This is going to ruin everything. Should I ignore my feelings? Pretend I don’t love him. We’ll go on status quo. Things will remain the same, good, perfect… because if he knows, he might end this.

  Oh, who am I kidding? I can’t conceal this information. How can I possibly hide it? He’s going to figure it out and then he’s going to leave me. What have I done?

  This is his fault. He should have warned me he was so easy to love. If I knew, I never would have agreed to this arrangement. Somehow he found the chink in my armor and ripped it open. I know there’s no turning back for me.

  I’m going to lose him.

  Then again….

  Maybe he feels the same. I wasn’t expecting this, maybe he wasn’t either. I know we didn’t just have sex last night, I know it. I felt it, surely he felt it too. He had to. I didn’t imagine the shift from sex to lovemaking. It was real. In that moment, we were real. That kind of connection can’t possibly be one sided.

  Maybe he’ll fall to his knees and pledge his undying love to me, ask me to move in... No, it’s too soon for that. Maybe he’ll be relieved that we can finally be honest with each other, we can embrace our feelings, without fear. He’ll hold me tight and tell me over and over how much he loves me too, he can’t live without me.

  Or he’ll go.

  I’m feeling sicker by the minute as I watch the sun rise. It’s tomorrow and I don’t know what to do. If I’m honest with him, will it be our new beginning or the beginning of the end for us? I’m terrified to find out the answer.

  Feather-light kisses tickle behind my ear and I stiffen. “I missed you,” he murmurs, pushing my hair to the side. “Why are you out here?”

  “I, I couldn’t sleep…I didn’t want to wake you,” I stutter, straightening up my posture on the couch.

  “Next time wake me.” He lightly kisses down my neck and around my shoulder, his stubble rubbing against my skin. “I could have tired you out more.”

  “HmmMmm.” I nod stiffly.

  “Come back to bed.” His teeth graze my earlobe. I close my eyes and feel him. He said he missed me. Maybe there’s hope. Then again, he was referring to sex. Always sex. Only sex. I’m so confused.

  “I’m comfortable here,” I lie.

  “Watching the sunrise?”

  “Um, yes.” I know I’m buying time, but if I go back to bed with him, we’re going to make love and I know I’m going to blurt it out. How can I not, now that I know?

  “Okay, I’ll watch it with you. Let me get behind you.” I move forward as Ben sits down behind me, with one leg bent up on the couch and the other on the floor. I scoot back close to him, as he wraps his arms around me and kisses the back of my head. My heart aches as I lean back, enveloped in a love I can no longer deny.

  We watch silently as the sun paints the sky from dark blue to beautiful pinks, oranges and reds. I already miss the darkness, where I could stay hidden from my truth and the consequences that will follow it. The more brilliant the sky, the deeper my fe
ars.

  “I haven’t watched a sunrise in years,” Ben muses. “It’s like a fresh start. It’s here everyday, yet we never take the time to appreciate the simple miracle that it is.” He kisses the back of my head. “Thank you, Julia. Sometimes I forget how beautiful a new beginning can be.” He tightens his arms around me. I cross my arms over his, holding him close to me.

  I’m fighting the tears that are threatening to fall. Are we the sunrise... the beautiful new beginning Ben spoke of? Or the sunset… the darkness that follows the end of the day? I wish I knew.

  Ben lifts my hand and brings it to his mouth, pressing his lips against it. “Would you like to go back to my bedroom?” he murmurs.

  My pulse races as I go into panic mode. My body and my heart desperately want that connection to him while my mind is full of fear. “I, err,” I stammer.

  “Ah, I get it. Your stomach is trumping me again isn’t it?” he asks, with a hint of humor in his voice.

  “Um…yes,” I answer softly. The last thing on my mind is eating, but it’ll buy me time to think some more.

  “Well then. Let’s get you fed.”

  ~o0o~

  “Here you go. Artery clogging fat-laden real bacon and scrambled eggs made especially for the very beautiful Julia ‘My Stomach Comes before Ben comes’ Conti,” Ben jokes as he places our breakfast plates on the kitchen table. He bought real bacon… just for me.

  I wish he’d stop being so damned charming. Now that the love gate has opened, everything he does is going to make me fall harder.

  “Thank you.” I sit down at the table playing with my food. I have no appetite. What should be a happy discovery is making me miserable. The uncertainty is making me miserable. I don’t know how to be around him.

  “Something wrong with your breakfast?”

  “No, it’s fine.” I lift a tiny forkful of eggs and put it in my mouth.

  “You’ve been moving your eggs from one side of the plate to the other for the past five minutes. And you haven’t touched the bacon. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing is wrong.” I feel a lump forming in my throat.

  “Julia, there’s obviously something bothering you. You look like you lost your best friend.”

  I think I’m about to.

  “I’m fine Ben, really,” I assure him.

  He cocks his head, studying me. He knows I’m lying. “Is it something I did?” Yeah, you made me fall in love with you. “Talk to me.”

  Do I come clean? Sooner or later, I’m going to have to. If I ignore it, I’ll only get in deeper. I take a deep breath. “I don’t want to tell you,” I say quietly.

  “Why?” He frowns.

  “It will change things.” My nerves are raw; I hug myself in an effort to calm them.

  “Change what things?” He drops his fork down on his plate focusing all his attention to me.

  “Things between us.” My voice, shaky.

  “You’re not making any sense. What could possibly change about us?”

  “The way you feel about this.” I wave my finger between the two of us. “The way you feel about me.”

  “Julia, you’re not making any sense. Just tell me what’s on your mind.”

  “I…I didn’t mean for this to happen,” I stammer, looking down at my hands wringing my wrists.

  “You’re seeing someone else?” He actually looks a little hurt. Maybe he does feel the same.

  “What?” I shake my head. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

  “Good, so what is it?” he asks, looking noticeably relieved.

  “Please don’t make me say it,” I beg.

  “What the fuck happened between last night and this morning? Tell me. What?” I’ve never seen Ben so irritated; I know he’s losing his patience with me.

  I take a deep breath, gathering up all of my courage. I stand from my chair and walk over to him, crouching down to his level. He looks at me, confused and tense. I lift my hand and caress his cheek, looking for this one last connection before my world changes.

  “I love you,” I whisper as all the air in my lungs evaporates.

  No reaction. Nothing. His silence speaks volumes. He stares at me or through me. I’m not sure if he can see me at all. He looks completely dumbfounded. Stunned. Is my confession so horrific that it’s rendered him speechless?

  “Say something…” I whisper, breathlessly. The walls that I’ve built around me come crashing down, brick by brick until they’re dust on the ground. I’m standing in front of him with nothing to protect me, completely vulnerable to his reaction.

  After what feels like a lifetime, he finally finds his voice. “I don’t understand. I thought we were on the same page.”

  “We were.”

  “I...I don’t understand,” he stutters.

  “It changed for me. I didn’t plan it. It just happened.” I grab his hands and hold them.

  “Julia… What are you telling me?” He looks utterly lost.

  “I want something long term. Something that may be more than a casual fling. Do you love me Ben? Maybe just a little?” I ask, hopeful.

  He pales as he looks to the ground and says nothing. I let go of his hands.

  “Okay, maybe you don’t love me now. Could you love me someday?” I ask softly, my voice cracking, mirroring my heart.

  “Julia, it’s complicated.”

  “No. It’s quite simple, really. Don’t you feel it? It can’t just be me. Surely you feel it too?” I sound desperate, but I don’t care. “Ben, tell me you feel it. I know I didn’t imagine it last night. Tell me. Please,” I plead.

  “I care for you. But I….” He sighs, staring down at his feet, his shoulders slumped.

  “But you don’t love me,” I whisper, finishing his thought. “Do you think this thing between us could ever be anything more than a fling?”

  “This was never meant to be…” He hesitates. I know he was going to say permanent. “We talked about this in the beginning. I thought you felt the same way.” He looks down to the floor then back at me with a look I’m not sure how to describe... pity?

  “I see.” I shake my head. I’m suddenly dizzy; the apartment walls feel like they’re closing in on me. Sometimes the truth is heartbreaking, but it doesn’t stop it from being the truth.

  Reluctantly, I realize what I have to do. This will never work, not anymore. I can’t pretend I don’t love him now that I know. It’s like trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that don’t want to fit. Breaking up with this man I love is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But I know it’s what I have to do. I’ll never be anything more to him but a good time. It’s all so clear to me.

  I stand and walk back to Ben’s bedroom, saying nothing. He stays, paralyzed in his seat, looking completely bewildered. I step into his bathroom to find anything I may have left there. There’s nothing. No box of my tampons under his bathroom sink or toothbrush in his toothbrush holder. No signs of me...no signs of us... anywhere. Sex. It’s just sex. That’s all it ever was. He told me. Allie told me. My heart didn’t listen. I walk back in his bedroom and take my clothes out of my overnight bag.

  “What are you doing?”

  I look up and see Ben, looking like someone just punched him in the gut, leaning on the door frame to his bedroom.

  “I’m getting dressed then I’m going home,” I tell him as I pull my panties up under my nightgown.

  “Don’t go.”

  I turn around and face the wall, pulling off my nightgown and snap my bra on. I don’t want him to see my naked body. “I can’t stay here,” I say as I pull my emerald dress down over my head. “I let my guard down and fell in love. I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. I’m sorry.”

  “Please stop.”

  “I don’t want our contact to only be about sex. I want to call you because I miss you… or you miss me. I want to make plans to stroll through Central Park, or cuddle on the couch and watch some stupid reality TV show that I love and you hate, bu
t you watch it anyway, just to be with me. That’s what I want. I want you. I want all of you and I want you to want all of me, even the parts that are boring.”

  “Julia, I don’t want to lose you.”

  I inhale a sharp breath and shake my head. “You never really had me, not all of me anyway. You only had parts of me. The parts I was allowed to show. I realize now that I had to hide the rest.”

  “What did you hide?”

  “My love for you. I hid it from both of us. I know in my heart that I can’t continue like this…us, this way. Everything I thought I didn’t want when we started this, I’ve discovered I do. I love you. And I know you like me, but that’s not enough. I want the strings, the obligations. I want your heart. I want you to love me the way I love you. If you don’t have that to give, I have to move on. I can’t pine for you in hopes that one day you’ll change your mind. I can’t live my life in limbo waiting on you if you don’t have anything to give back.” Images of Cam-eel flash into my mind, the girl who still pines for him. I quickly dismiss her. “Do you have anything to say?”

  “Julia…I…uh…” He exhales a long breath, places his hand on his forehead and shakes his head.

  “That’s what I thought. I’m going to go,” I say sadly.

  “I don’t want you to go.”

  “There’s nothing here for me.”

  “I’m here.”

  “Only part of you. I want the rest and you can’t give it. If you didn’t want my body anymore, I could live with that. But what you don’t want is my heart, and I can’t live with that. I should have known. I should have stopped myself.” I pause to catch my breath. “I was there… at the marathon the day you ran. I was there.”