by Aidan Wayne
“No, no that’s—” Great. If he was alone, he might even be able to eat breakfast. “Fine. You guys go out. Have fun.”
“I’ve left both of our contacts next to your Keurig,” Chase said. “My phone, and both mine and Shade’s inside lines. Just in case. If anything is pressing, or immediate, think of the inside lines as a more direct call. The phone is for if you’re more comfortable with texting.”
“Okay,” Jason said. “Sure.”
Chase and Shade said their goodbyes and left shortly after. Jason waited a few minutes and then breathed a sigh of relief, changing the plan of his whole morning. Instead of bothering with coffee or tea, he turned right around and headed back to the mat room, intent on getting in a practice session with his bag right now.
Afterward, freshly showered and shaky, he managed both a protein shake and a plate of eggs. He felt about as relaxed as he could get, especially with the expectation that his Companions would probably be back soon. But it was only a niggling worry among all the others in his brain.
Determined to keep taking advantage of his alone time, Jason headed to his living room and plopped down on the sofa, looking for something easy to watch. He spent a good minute debating over a program about chocolate making before sighing and moving to something else. He’d been wanting to watch the damn thing for weeks, but the whole thing was in French, and he couldn’t fucking deal.
Feeling disgusted with himself, Jason picked a documentary about eels instead.
HE DOZED off. Woke up at the sound of his door being opened and closed—not forced with a key how did they get in this wasn’t authorized alert alert alert—and he had someone facedown in a wristlock before he fully opened his eyes.
“Jason, it’s me, Chase,” the person was saying, slowly and calmly while also tapping out on his own chest with his free hand. “Shade, it’s fine! Jason? Jason, it’s me, Chase. I was assigned as your Companion. The Delegate as well as your own place of work can verify this assignment. All clear, Jason?”
The words melted into his skull. Jason hurriedly let go and backed away, hands up.
“God, sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t—” Shade was growling, low in his throat, hackles up, and Jason didn’t blame him. He’d attacked a civilian and a Companion to boot.
He needed some more mat time.
Chase held out a hand to hush him.
“It’s okay, Jason. I don’t blame you. Neither does Shade,” he added, throwing the other man a look. Shade’s growling dropped in volume but didn’t cease completely. From his facial expression, it looked like he couldn’t control it.
“Sorry,” Jason said again, heart still pounding. “I shouldn’t have fallen asleep while you guys were gone.”
“You absolutely should have,” Chase said. “You haven’t been sleeping, you’re exhausted, and you’re out of your comfort zone with us here. You should take advantage of any opportunity you have to get some rest.”
Jason rubbed at his face, not sure what else he could say. “Did I hurt you?” he asked, eventually.
“My pain sensor is only set to minor,” Chase said, “so that I can recognize when I’m being damaged.” He smiled encouragingly at Jason. “I’m really fine. What can we do to avoid this next time?”
Jason’s mind raced, trying to think. He could try not to nap anymore, but he doubted the increased sleep loss would be any sort of help. “Maybe, uh. Maybe knock. Before you come in.”
“Of course,” said Chase, and he was absentmindedly rubbing at his wrist. Dammit, even if Chase couldn’t feel pain, Jason might have bruised the mechanics or something. Barely the second day and he’d already attacked one of them. “Do you want a specific knock or anything to serve as a warning?”
“Random is better,” Jason said. “Less likely to be copied—look, sorry, I know I’m a little paranoid. It’s just….” He trailed off, shoulders hunching. What else could he say? Chase shook his head.
“This is your space, and we’re intruding,” Chase said. “That, above all else, is something I do understand. And something we both allow for, in terms of how you react to us and what you do, especially during the acclimation period.”
“…you sure you’re not hurt?” Jason said after another moment.
Chase smiled and shook his head, holding out his wrist. “You can inspect it, if you want to? I trust you.” Yeah, and Jason was also awake.
He also appreciated that Chase was at least trying to be subtle about the touching thing. But this was as good an opening as any, and it was reasonable. Medical check. Jason did those all the time and didn’t think anything of it. He reached for Chase’s wrist.
He was warm. That was the first thought in his head. Logically it made sense. He knew AIs ran just a little hotter than humans, what with all the mechanics working inside them. But it was also…. It reminded him that Chase was real. He was a person, and he could be hurt. Jason swallowed and quickly checked over the wrist. It seemed to bend and move fine, fingers all worked properly, thumb movement didn’t result in pain that he could tell, and the skin wasn’t discolored to signal a leak or broken patch. Chase was really fine.
“Sorry,” he said again, abruptly dropping Chase’s wrist when he realized he’d held it a touch too long. Then he turned to Shade, whose growling had finally stopped. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt him. Though, uh….” He shrugged one shoulder. “Guess you knew that, or you would’ve been at my throat. So thanks for… not engaging.” He’d dealt with AIs before in the field. It hadn’t been fun.
Shade nodded and gave Jason his back, turning toward the kitchen.
“And are you okay?” Chase asked, stepping back again to give Jason more space.
“Fine, yeah,” Jason said. His heartbeat had calmed down a little, actually, so it wasn’t even a lie. “Sorry.”
“You’ve now apologized to me six times, and to Shade once, for a negligible altercation that lasted maybe thirty seconds,” Chase said, calm smile back in place. “I think you’ve filled the apology quota for now.”
“Right, yeah,” Jason said, digging his nails into the back of his neck. “I’ll—I’m gonna go to my room for a bit. Just—knock if you’re planning on leaving again please.”
“Of course,” Chase said, letting him go.
CHASE WAITED until the second lock clicked into place before following Shade into the kitchen.
“Did he at least eat?” he asked. It was a visceral ache that he’d disturbed Jason’s rest. It was clear the man wasn’t sleeping enough. And with how he’d woken up, Chase doubted his nap had helped any.
Shade nodded. “Protein shake. Eggs with carrots and peas. Enough.”
“Good,” Chase said, leaning against a counter. “And how are you?”
“Fine,” said Shade. He held out a hand. “Wrist.”
Chase obligingly held out his wrist for Shade to inspect and didn’t hide his wince when Shade prodded a little too hard.
“Liar,” Shade said, pressing a kiss to the inside of Chase’s palm before letting go of his hand.
“We’ll say it was for the greater good,” Chase said. “And it really doesn’t hurt all that much at all. Most of it was the shock. It’s fine now. Or will be, after the nerves desensitize.”
Shade nodded and looked around the kitchen as if to ask, “Now what?”
“I’m not sure,” Chase said. The calm he’d hoped to come back to had been broken by Jason’s rude awakening, and he wasn’t sure where they stood now. Jason had retreated back to his room to regroup, so he didn’t want to disturb him.
“Make lunch?” Shade suggested, after a moment.
“Good idea,” Chase said. “I get the feeling he’s the type to try to eat if we make it. Or… in the event that he can eat, without worrying about poison or drugs.”
“Difficult,” Shade muttered, scowling.
“He is,” Chase said. “But does that really bother you?” Shade just scowled harder. Then he blinked, head swiveling in the direction of Jason’s room
.
“What is it?” Chase asked. In answer, Shade moved over to sync up.
I’m smelling hard-work sweat, Shade said. A lot of it. And hearing grunting, punching, kicking impact. He’s got a bag in there, or something like it, and he’s working himself to exhaustion. But he’s trying to be quiet. And then, a moment later, I don’t think that’s a bedroom.
Why not? Chase asked.
The layout of the apartment. That room can only be so big. But I’m hearing him move what sounds like the whole length of it. If there’s a bed in there, it’s small. Or packed away.
A training room, Chase said in horrified realization. And he’s sleeping there! No wonder he’s having trouble sleeping. On top of the PTSD, he’s adding to it by always being surrounded by something. Another thought occurred to him. Wait, do you think that means we’re in his actual bedroom?
Shade shook his head. The smell is still old. He used to use the room, but not for a while. The training room has been his bedroom. Where he lives and sleeps. For a long time, I think. Months, at least.
Chase ran his free hand through his hair, a habit he’d acquired from his human contacts. So he doesn’t sleep, gets up and trains to exhaustion, tries to sleep, does it again. He sighed. That’s going to be… difficult to talk to him about. Especially if it’s his only coping method. We’ll have to try to give him other options.
It starts with getting him more comfortable with me. You. Us, Shade settled on. Until he is, the apartment isn’t safe anymore.
He won’t like it, Chase said, sighing again. But I agree. Contact and proximity until the idea of “threat” is neutralized is the best route, I think.
He’s the threat, Shade said, after a second.
Chase frowned. Shade, I thought we’d already—
No, Shade said. He’s the threat. To us. That’s how he’s acting. And acting in general. He’s removing himself from people so he can’t hurt them by accident. Like with today. He was calmer with us, with you, until we woke him up.
And after that he was back to acting terrified of himself, Chase realized.
The exercise too. Maybe the lack of sleep, on top of the nightmares.
The more exhausted you are, the less you’ll be able to do. Unless it’s really needed.
Shade nodded.
Okay, Chase said. Okay. That’s a start. We have a lot of work to do. Let’s go knock.
JASON HAD moved on to his cooldown stretches by the time someone knocked on his door. He froze, sweat dripping down his body, before he remembered he was allowed to train; he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Chase and Shade had promised to knock to let Jason know what they were going to be doing, and they were keeping that promise. That was all.
He grabbed his towel and wiped some of the sweat away as he staggered closer to the door. “Yeah?”
“It’s Chase. I just wanted to inform you that it’s generally lunchtime. Shade and I wanted to talk to you also. We wanted to offer to make you lunch, but weren’t sure if you’d be comfortable eating what we’ve made yet.”
Jason’s stomach lurched. No, no that… didn’t seem like it’d be comfortable.
“Shade offered the compromise of you watching us while we made it,” Chase continued. “Both so you’d get a little more accustomed to our movements, and also to watch how we cooked, so you’d know the food was safe. Think about it please? We’d appreciate it if you came out soon anyway.”
“Okay,” Jason said. “Yeah, I’ll be out in ten.” And he’d think over the suggestion.
“No rush,” Chase said. “Just sooner over later, if you don’t mind.”
“Got it,” Jason said. He waited until he heard a set of footsteps walk away and then headed for the shower.
As he methodically soaped up, he tried to think of a way that he could eat around Chase and Shade without the food feeling like agony. Having them make it in front of him was a good idea. And that way he could direct them to where things were, instead of just having them root around in the shelves.
And… he probably wouldn’t be able to eat at the table with them, but maybe while watching TV…. At least it would provide another token distraction both for them and him. He would try it. If he had to retreat into his room, at least he could say he’d made an attempt.
He rinsed off, toweled dry, and pulled on the pair of sweatpants and long-sleeved tee he’d taken in with him before he could glimpse himself in the mirror. He looked down at his shaking hands. Yeah, a meal was definitely in order. He knew he hadn’t been eating right. If he kept this up, he wouldn’t be ready for fieldwork even once he was mentally cleared. He couldn’t have that. Fieldwork was all he was good for anymore.
Maybe after lunch he’d take a break from the physical and hit the books again. He had some serious review to do on his languages, and he’d been too busy trying to make his body listen to concentrate on it.
Yeah, that sounded like a plan at least.
Jason unlocked his door and nearly stepped on Shade, who was curled up right next to it looking up at him. Jason clutched at his shirt instead of clenching his fist and let out a breath, grateful he’d had the reflex to freeze instead of stomp.
“Jesus,” he managed. “You startled me.”
Shade looked at him and moved back. “Sorry,” he said, the word sounding forced, like he was fighting to get it out of his mouth. “Didn’t mean.”
“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine,” Jason said, quickly shutting the door behind him. “Just—I don’t want to—I don’t wanna hurt you by accident, okay?” Shade nodded and obligingly backed up a step. He tilted his head toward the kitchen, eyebrows raised.
“Right,” Jason said. “Lunch. I get it. You’re big on monitoring food, huh?” He’d noticed plenty that Shade went into the kitchen a lot and that the trash sometimes got shifted. He was pretty sure Shade was watching what he ate. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.
Shade, unsurprisingly, didn’t say anything, just turned toward the kitchen, offering Jason his back again. Jason took a deep breath and followed.
Chase was standing at the refrigerator, hands clasped. “I didn’t start yet,” he said. “I wanted to wait to see what you’d like to do.”
“I… cooking while I watch is good,” Jason said, moving to stand next to the kitchen table. “You can go through the fridge and cupboards and stuff if you want. Just ask me if you’re looking for something in particular; I might not have it.”
“Let’s start with the main meal, then,” Chase said, opening the freezer to look inside. Shade immediately started opening cupboards. It looked like he was cataloging whatever he saw, where everything was. Probably that’s exactly what he was doing.
Eventually Chase pulled out two of Jason’s individually frozen salmon fillets and a steamable bag of broccoli. Shade was already taking out a baking dish and pulling out salt and pepper. He held out a hand for the fillets, and Chase passed them along without pausing in his search of the refrigerator.
“Do you have any lemon juice?” Chase asked, as Shade filled a bowl with water and placed the fillets inside to thaw.
“I—no, I don’t think so,” Jason said.
“All right, olive oil?”
“Yes,” said Shade, holding up a bottle he pulled from a cupboard.
“No idea if that’s still good,” Jason said. “I don’t really use it much.” Shade opened the bottle and sniffed it before shrugging and setting it down on the counter. “Uh, okay. If it’s good enough for you, it’s good enough for me.”
Jason watched as Chase seasoned the fish and put it into the oven to bake, as Shade pulled the steamed broccoli out of the microwave and then tossed it with butter and salt and dill—apparently he’d bought dill at some point. It was actually kind of… nice. He was at the table, watching from a distance that felt safe. It was almost comforting to watch them cook together, like the perfectly matched pair they obviously were. Soothing.
And fifteen minutes later, Chase approached slowly, setting down a full plate
in front of him.
“It smells fantastic,” Jason said honestly, looking down at it. Eating it would be something else, but dammit, he was going to try. He’d seen it being made, the ingredients were his own, and the cooks were work-verified Companions. It was just as safe as eating in a mess hall. Safer than that. Which was good, because he couldn’t eat in the mess anymore.
“We can go into the living room, if that would be easier,” Chase suggested after a moment. “Leave you alone.”
Alone with just his thoughts and food. “A distraction would be better,” Jason managed. Did his best to try. “Maybe we could all go to the living room. Watch something.” He had a documentary about Chinese cuisine queued up, and it would be good to have the practice. He’d been a bit lax with his languages lately and needed to get back on that. No point in training his body if he stopped training his brain.
“Sounds good,” Chase said encouragingly. “Let’s do that.” He turned to leave the kitchen, Shade glancing at Jason before leaving too. Jason looked down at the plate. They’d given him a clear out, letting him make a final decision. But he was going to try. If he managed a week, then he could appeal the decision. He could do a week. He just had to keep telling himself that.
He picked up his plate and headed out to his living room.
Chapter Three
SO HE speaks Chinese fluently, Shade said through the sync.
Shh, Chase admonished, eyes on the documentary. This is really interesting!
I can’t understand anything, Shade grumbled. My alternate language modules were removed, remember? All I have is the default Spanish setting.
Oh! Oh, love, I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think—Out loud Chase asked, “Jason?”
“Yeah?” Shade looked over at him. Jason’d eaten half of one of the salmon fillets so far. Excellent.
“Would it be possible to turn on the subtitles for this? Shade can’t understand.”
Jason startled and went for the remote. “Oh! Yeah, sorry, sure. I guess I just thought—” He stopped. “I didn’t think. Sorry, Shade.”