I laugh but stop abruptly, wondering if he’s being serious. The usual rules of conversation simply don’t seem to apply here. I bury my nose in my coffee again and inhale deeply.
‘I’m surprised they didn’t confiscate your grounds when you got here.’
‘Oh, they did. They’ve been locked in the safe since I arrived. I should have learned by now!’ he says with a smile. I don’t know whether to take him seriously or not.
‘Honest! These were sourced at a very high price by a very handy Rowan. And this was my last lot. Time to get her in again if you want anything?’
‘Thanks, I’ll think about it.’ I don’t fully trust Bay yet and I think I’d prefer to keep any smuggled bars of soap a secret for now. It’s definitely time for me to leave my first note in the gatepost for Rowan. I could do with checking my emails and sending a quick message to the Warriors for starters.
‘Just don’t go accepting coffee from anyone else,’ Bay says. ‘It’ll most likely be acorn coffee. Tastes about as good as Dennis smells!’
Chapter 10
Courage Conquers Fear
‘Find the thing that you’re most scared of – you know, the one that haunts you – and find a way to face it head on. The courage it takes for you to face your biggest fear and conquer it will help you realize that you’ve got this. That courage came from you. You just saved yourself . . . and you can do it again and again.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
On my way back down towards the farmhouse, I pause to leave my letter for Rowan in the fence post. I check around me before wedging it firmly into the crack. I’ve decided there’s no way I’m doing three weeks without chocolate or deodorant.
Hoping against hope that Ted has put some clothes on by now, I make my way around to the courtyard. I’m in luck. Everyone’s gathered around a long wooden table that has been lifted into place since my early morning visit. On it there are jugs of juice, massive bowls of fruit, porridge and large jars of honey. I sigh inwardly. No chance of my customary Pop-Tart here, then. I smile at Lizzie, who’s brandishing a huge jug of what looks like coffee. Oh, thank goodness for that – Bay was just kidding earlier. She offers me a cup and I nod gratefully, eyeballing my large mug greedily. Bay flops down onto the bench opposite me with an odd smile on his face.
I ignore him, pick up my mug and take a sip.
And stop.
Abruptly.
I. Must. Not. Spit. This. Out.
Swallow, Tori, swallow.
It’s like scrapings of burned Marmite.
‘Acorn coffee,’ Bay smirks at me. ‘Delicious!’
I grab an apple from the bowl nearby and take a bite, desperate to get rid of the awful flavour. Damn that man for being right. I turn my attention away from him and smile as Doreen heads towards me looking pale. In fact, she looks shattered, and her hair is about three times the size it was yesterday.
‘Hey, how was your first night?’
Doreen gives me a wan smile. ‘Dark. Dark and very, very quiet.’
‘Same. Until five, when I was so rudely awakened by the birds.’ I nod sympathetically.
‘I wouldn’t know. That’s just about when I drifted off, I think. I need coffee . . .’
‘Oh no you don’t,’ I mutter in a low voice. ‘That’s not coffee. It’s burned acorns pretending to be coffee. It tastes like shite and has zero caffeine. Steer clear!’
‘Oh.’ Doreen pushes her hair back and rests her head on her hands. Her eyes instantly begin to droop.
I grab a mug, fill it full of juice and push it towards her.
*
It’s not long before everyone has joined us at the table, though the level of chat is fairly low. Half of us seem to be experiencing caffeine-withdrawal symptoms already, making me feel like I’ve got a terrible, guilty secret. The other half are enjoying the Zen-like calm of the early morning.
I hate this half.
‘Morning, everyone!’ Ted smiles around at us. ‘Good to see you all up and ready to go!’ He catches my eye as he looks around the table and I blush and look away.
Crap. I wonder if I’m ever going to be able to get that image of him out of my head!
‘Now,’ says Ted, clapping his hands and making me jump, ‘I’m aware that a lot of you aren’t used to the early start. Your bodies will be adjusting, so it’s a nice, easy session this morning. You’re all off for your first wild swim in the river. It’ll wake you up like nothing else and wash away the cobwebs.’
Easy session? I can hear my pulse loud in my ears and my breathing is getting faster. Too fast. I put my apple down and focus hard on the edge of the table. The thundering in my ears is getting louder, and for a couple of minutes I zone in and out, trying to get my breathing back under control. I soon realize that everyone’s chattering again, excited by the fact that their time here is about to kick off properly.
‘Love, are you okay? You’ve gone very pale!’ Doreen is staring at me, worry on her face.
I just nod at her. This isn’t anyone’s problem but mine, and I’m not about to mess up Doreen’s first morning as well as my own.
Pretty soon, breakfast is over and we’re all set to reconvene in ten minutes with our swimming gear. Bay is quiet as we head back to the yurt, and I’m glad of the silence.
My heart rate is still erratic and prickles of panic are rushing down my arms and pulsing in my fingertips. As long as I don’t have to set foot in that river, I’ll be okay. I keep telling myself this over and over again but it’s not making any difference. I can’t even bear to be near a bloody river. Lies . . . they’re the only way to go, and no one needs to be any the wiser.
‘I can’t swim,’ I blurt as we push our way inside.
‘I thought you looked worried when Ted announced it. Don’t worry, there are plenty of people who don’t get in on their first visit to the river. Most just paddle in up to their knees and that’s plenty for them. Just do that,’ says Bay.
I swallow. Sure. I can do that. Can’t I? Of course I can’t. Who am I kidding? Even the word ‘river’ makes me feel sick.
I drag my feet getting ready. I didn’t bring a swimming costume, for obvious reasons, but with Bay’s quiet eyes on me, I feel like such a cop-out that I fling an old T-shirt, pair of boxer-knickers and a towel into a canvas bag. Not that I’ll be using them. The closest I’m going to get to that river is the bank – if I don’t pass out through panic before then.
We rejoin the others and set off across the fields. The sun is just starting to climb higher in the sky, and for a second I relax as its warmth hits my face. I’d even enjoy listening to the excited chatter around me if it weren’t for the ice block of pure fear in my stomach. This is a morning so far removed from what I’m used to. Where are the four grey walls of my quiet flat and the inbox full of nothing but spam? Yet another essay waiting to be finished, only to disappear into nothingness the moment I submit it? That’s all a very long way away.
Right now, I’m stuck with a bunch of excitable nutters who want to solve their problems by jumping in a very cold river. It’s not fair! It really isn’t. I’d be very happy to bare my soul, chant away my evils and visualize my chakras being cleansed of all pollution. But jumping in a river is just not going to happen. It’s not the fact that it’s going to be cold that’s the problem. I’m just as rough and tough as the Beardy Weirdies – at least the two that made it through the welcoming ceremony anyway. But I really can’t do this. No chance. No way.
‘Are you all right, Tori? You’re very quiet!’ It’s Emma, looking pretty and fresh with a pink polka-dot bikini peeking out from under a voluminous white shirt. Why is it that happy, outgoing people think it’s helpful to check quiet people are okay by calling them out on their silence?
‘Sure. Just . . . you know?’ I’m not sure what to say, and I realize that this is the first time we’ve spoken. We’re such a small group it makes sense to chat to her and get to know her at some point, but right now
doesn’t quite feel like the ideal moment for small talk. Not when I’m about to have the mother of all meltdowns.
She looks at me expectantly and then, giving up on any more of an answer, carries on anyway. ‘It’s so exciting, isn’t it? I just knew when I read about this place for the first time that it had to be our honeymoon. I mean, it’s perfect, isn’t it?’
‘Uh, sure. I’m sure it’ll be great . . .’ I’m not sure at all, but it’s not like I can admit that, is it?
‘And, of course, they’ve had celebrities here you know?’ Emma drops her voice slightly as she says this, grinning at me like the excited teenager she probably still is. ‘So I just knew it was going to be brilliant!’
‘Wow, seriously? Real celebrities? Like who?’ I try to match Emma’s wide-eyed, secretive tone. If I can keep her going on this topic, maybe it’ll stop her from noticing the pure, unadulterated terror that must be oozing from my pores.
‘Well, it’s just gossip, but apparently they’ve had a girl band member, a footballer and a chef with anger issues . . . I dunno exactly who, it just hinted at their professions in the piece I read. And I just knew that it would be perfect here!’
‘Right.’ I smile brightly. I’ve already noticed that Emma talks about things being perfect a lot. I overheard her last night, talking about how perfect the welcoming ceremony had been. I already feel a bit sorry for Sam, poor lad. From what I’ve seen of him so far, he spends his entire time listening while she goes on about the ‘aesthetic’ of her Instagram feed, how important it is that each photograph is perfect and bewailing the fact that she can’t update it while she’s here. He also seems to spend as much time as possible sneaking away from Emma, or looking sheepish as he’s dragged back for yet another public love-in.
Finally, Russ rounds up our staggered group at the edge of the third field we’ve crossed. We’re at the top of a steep hill that presumably leads down to the river’s edge. I give a little shiver even though there’s no breeze and the air is starting to warm up in the early morning sunshine.
Than ambles up and comes to a standstill between me and Emma. I turn to look at him, but my face can’t seem to muster a smile. I’m pretty sure I must look like I’m headed to my death.
‘Okay, folks, we’re almost there,’ says Russ. ‘When we get to the bottom of the hill, just head under the trees and you’ll see the bit we’re aiming for. It has hollowed out over the years into this fantastic natural pool. Perfect for everyone’s first wild swim.’
The group shifts with excitement, bustling forward en masse a couple of inches. I, however, shuffle backwards a few feet. With a wry smile, undoubtedly thinking this is a bit of a game, Than copies me, giving me a wink.
‘So let’s get down there, get in and just enjoy it. This is one of those things that you won’t understand the magic of until you’ve tried it. Trust me, as soon as you get in that water, you’ll get it!’ Russ grins around at us. ‘And don’t worry, I’ve been swimming here for years and have never had any problems. The water is beautifully clean and clear.’
The group starts to surge down the hill. Emma breaks into a run and I can hear her giggling as she navigates the steep slope. The others follow at a more leisurely pace, Bay and Russ striding together side by side. I don’t budge and, for a second, I think I’m going to be the only one left at the top of the hill. After taking a couple of steps forward with the others, Than turns and looks at me with his eyebrows raised.
‘Wanna get out of here?’ he grins at me, and I’m instantly back in the naughty corner I found myself drawn to last night.
I nod.
‘Come on then, quick, before they spot us.’
Before I’ve had a chance to think about it, he’s grabbing my hand and towing me away, back through the gateway. We run hand in hand across the field, away from the rest of the group.
We don’t stop until we reach the edges of the orchard. I can just spot Doreen and Geoff’s cabin in the distance between the neat rows of trees. The blossom smells amazing in the early morning air. As we come to a halt and lean on the wooden fence, I try to catch my breath.
‘Thank God we escaped that embarrassment!’ Than laughs. ‘I didn’t much fancy replacing caffeine with cold water as a new way of waking up!’
I smile awkwardly at him. ‘Me neither.’
Than quirks an eyebrow at me. ‘I thought you were going to puke there for a second, you know! I mean, I know the others are a bit much to take, but that was quite some reaction you were having . . .’
Damn it! Now I don’t actually have to go through with the whole water torture thing, I want to enjoy my freedom. I definitely don’t want to talk about it. That’s almost as bad as having to get in the bloody river.
I duck under the bars of the fence and take a couple of steps into the little orchard. ‘What are we going to do now?’ I say. All well and good doing a bunk with a guy I don’t know, but now what do I do with him?
‘How about we find somewhere to sit down, wake up properly and enjoy . . .’ – he pauses and rummages in the little rucksack he’s carrying – ‘ . . . some of this!’ he cries, triumphantly waving a little purple packet at me.
No. Effing. Way. ‘Chocolate? Seriously? How on earth did you manage to smuggle that in?’ I gasp.
‘I have my sources,’ he winks at me again, and I can’t help it – my insides squeeze a little at the cheeky look he’s giving me. He’s all dark, messy hair and early morning stubble. Let’s just say that I’ve seen much worse sights.
‘Rowan?’ I ask, swiping the chocolate from his hands. Mmm, fruit and nut, my favourite.
‘Yep. But don’t you dare tell her I told you.’
‘Blimey, you got in there fast! And don’t worry about me blabbing,’ I say, falling into step next to him as we make our way down a little avenue of trees, ‘I’ve got the full price list back at the yurt!’
Than points to the remnants of a fallen tree, much older and larger than the part-grown ones now gracing this well-tended little haven. The grass has grown up around it so that it looks like an outdoor settee. We both head over and, slumping down side by side, rest our backs up against it.
I hand Than back the bar of chocolate and without a moment’s hesitation he rips it open, snaps it in two and hands me half.
‘So,’ he says around a mouthful, ‘what was all that about back there? Why the need to escape? Desperate to get away from Emma, the vacant wannabe influencer?’ He nudges my leg with his knee. The feel of his warm leg against mine sends a wave of butterflies through me.
‘Nah, more like I couldn’t handle much more of the inane smile of Doreen the bored housewife,’ I joke. Than grins at me, but I instantly feel sick with myself. Doreen and Geoff have been nothing but nice to me. ‘Actually, it’s just that I don’t like water,’ I say curtly. End of subject please.
He blinks at me. ‘Well, no one would when it’s cold and—’
‘No. I really don’t like water,’ I say.
‘What, all water?’ he asks, and I can’t help but notice a strange look on his face as I peep at him. What is it? Amusement? Disbelief?
‘No. Running water.’
‘So, rivers . . .’
I nod. I want to get off the subject.
‘What is it about them?’ he asks curiously.
‘Everything,’ I say. My mouth’s gone dry and the chocolate feels like it’s about to lodge in my throat.
‘I didn’t even know that was a thing, fear of running water.’
I spot that look again. I know what it is. It’s scepticism.
‘Well, it is,’ I snap.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that!’ he says.
‘No, I’m sorry,’ I sigh. ‘I get . . . panicked. I usually manage to avoid it pretty well. This morning was just a bit too close. It makes me—’
‘Anxious?’ Than supplies.
‘Oh yes. And that makes me bitchy!’ I say.
‘How bad is it?’
How do I answer that w
hen I’ve barely admitted it to myself yet? I started off being frightened around rivers. Now I can’t even bear to have a shower because the rushing sound can kick my anxiety off.
‘Pretty bad,’ I say. ‘Put it like this, showers are out – I’m a bath girl all the way!’
Than shoots me a naughty look. ‘Well, they’re much better for the whole candlelit experience, aren’t they?’
I blush. ‘That’s exactly what I always say.’
It feels strange to be sitting here with the sun on my face, stuffing myself with chocolate and admitting these things to someone face to face for the first time. I’ve told the Warriors online, and I’ve discussed it a lot with them, but that’s not the same as having to say it out loud and deal with the questions and reactions that follow. I feel a warm ball of pride blossom somewhere inside me. This morning’s session might not have been exactly what the powers-that-be had planned for me, but it’s definitely doing me a lot of good.
‘Thanks for rescuing me.’ I smile at Than.
‘You’re welcome.’
My butterflies are now going completely nuts, but I’m not sure if it’s Than or the tail end of my river-induced panic that’s causing their over- excitement.
Than stands up and offers me his hand, pulling me up from my soft, grassy pillow.
‘Next time, snacks are on you . . . and they’d better not be dried acorn cookies!’
‘Okay, deal,’ I say, holding on to his hand just a couple of seconds longer than is strictly necessary.
Chapter 11
No Man is an Island
‘Asking for help is a good thing. Seeking professional support and advice can help you recognize and break bad patterns, setting you on the path to making new, authentic relationships.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
‘Well met, my friends,’ says Lizzie, gliding into the centre of our circle. We’ve all piled into the small space that Lizzie has chosen for her classroom. It’s dark, stuffy and womblike, especially given the low, red-tinged lighting. Taking her time to rotate slowly on her axis, Lizzie peers at each of us in turn.
The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness Page 8