This afternoon, she’s wearing a long, Grecian-looking dress in flowing white cheesecloth. Its twisted straps snake over her shoulders in a halter, and swathes of extra material cover and frame her massive bump.
When her eyes land on me, I shift uncomfortably. It’s like she knows what happened this morning. Maybe one of the others said something. There’s a part of me that feels bad for disappearing, but another part that’s still excited by what happened instead. Lizzie smiles at me and moves on. I wish I was back out under the apple blossom right now.
‘Something that you might already be learning about your stay is that things happen here. Unexpected things. Small things. Momentous things. Not one of you will be able to ride out this process as a passenger or observer. Not every realization or awakening will feel positive at first and not all of them will make sense straight away.
‘You will all face fears while you are here, and this is a safe place for you to do so. However, you need to listen to yourselves and to each other to make this process as productive as possible.’
I feel Than shift on his cushion next to me and I peep at him. He winks at me and nudges my shoulder with his. The room gets even hotter, and I feel my face flame. Why? Why do I have to blush so easily? Maybe it’s my guilty conscience . . .
I managed to grab Rowan and use her phone for a couple of minutes at vast expense before this session kicked off. I wanted to let the Warriors know that I’ve had my phone confiscated so that they don’t worry where I’ve disappeared to. I may have also just dropped a quick mention of Than and his cheeky smile while I was at it.
I look back up to find Lizzie’s eyes fixed on Than. Poor guy. She’s pretty scary when she wants to be.
‘Something else you all need to understand is that you need to be present in order for this process to work for you. You need to actually face your fears, not keep turning away from them. You each need to take responsibility for yourself. You need to show up to each session, both physically and mentally. Be there and make every second count. It might not always be comfortable, but it will always take you one step closer towards your destination.’
Than shifts again, clearly uncomfortable. Lizzie nods once, finally looking away from him and moves slowly to sit in a chair at the far end of the small space.
‘Right. Forgive me, I won’t be able to get up if I join you all down there on the cushions.’
A little laugh runs around the group, breaking the strange atmosphere for a moment.
‘This afternoon will be a deceptively simple session, but I think you’ll be surprised how much it will help you over the next few weeks. We all need to be able to ask for help openly and without any fear, and to do this we need to be able to trust each other fully.’
My eyes start to droop in the warmth and soft, dim light. If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m sitting bolt upright, making sure that no millimetre of me comes into contact with Than, who is positively lounging on the cushion next to me, I think I’d drop off. I stifle a yawn, and hear Than snigger quietly. I shake myself. All that fresh air this morning and the adrenalin surge at my near miss with the river have left me exhausted.
‘First things first. Please clear the cushions to the sides of the room,’ says Lizzie, ‘then pair up, and try to aim for someone who’s not the obvious choice for you!’ she adds, catching Doreen eyeballing me from across the room.
Than grabs my arm as we struggle to our feet. It feels a little bit like being back at primary school, as we giggle at our naughtiness and chuck our cushions onto the pile with abandon. Suddenly I’m wide awake again.
As we turn, grinning, back to the rest of the room, there’s not much other movement going on. There’s plenty of uncomfortable shuffling and eye-contact-avoidance though.
‘Come on, it’s not that hard, is it?’ laughs Lizzie. ‘Just aim for someone you don’t know much about; someone you haven’t spoken to yet.’
There’s more muttering as everyone starts to make awkward pairings around us. I know I’m getting disapproving looks from Lizzie right now, but if I refuse to look in her direction I can pretend they don’t exist.
Before long, the whole room is paired off. Bay is with Emma, Moth has teamed up with Bob, one of the Beardy Weirdies, and Doreen is standing with the other Beardy Weirdy, whose name I still don’t know.
‘Good. Right, today we’ll be facing some pretty ingrained stuff about ourselves. The thing is, if you’re able to do this with a stranger, it should make it easier to open up to people who are close to you.’
Than turns to me and rolls his eyes. I clear my throat awkwardly. This sounds like the stuff we had to do at those interminable team-building days when I was working at the advertising agency. I used to hate every second – throwing myself backwards into the arms of someone who’d given me a bollocking the day before was never going to be fun.
But it turns out to be a very different experience with Than. We’ve been at it for a full ten minutes and we haven’t stopped laughing the whole time. Things just feel so easy and simple between us, and I have to admit, that’s quite scary in itself.
‘Take a look at Bay’s face!’ he sniggers in my ear as he hauls me back up to my feet for the third time in a row. ‘Do you think he’s worried that Emma’s going to drop him? Fluffy idiot!’
I sneak a peek over at the pair, and wince as Bay throws himself backwards into Emma’s waiting arms. Miraculously, she manages to take his weight before he hits the floor, and I can’t help but smile when I spot the look of relief on his face.
‘Okay, my turn,’ says Than, throwing himself backwards and grabbing my attention only just in time.
I like this feeling. It’s like we’re in our own little club, and the rest of them don’t matter because we’re having such a great time.
I instantly feel bad for letting this thought even cross my mind.
Once I’ve set Than back on his feet, I look around the room to see how everyone else is doing and watch as Beardy Weirdy catches Doreen. He doesn’t seem to have the upper-body strength to set her back on her feet though, and both of them end up on the floor in a heap. I’m not surprised to see Doreen’s in fits of giggles, but it looks like she’s managed to unearth the little boy in the heart of the stoic hippy. He’s laughing so hard that he’s wiping tears from his eyes as Doreen punches him playfully on the elbow.
This signals the end of the serious part of this particular exercise, as their giggling is contagious and sweeps across the room, catching everyone unawares until we’re all clutching at our sides, trying to avoid each other’s eyes as we attempt to catch our collective breath.
I jump as Than flings an arm around my shoulder. The gesture feels too intimate in the moment, especially with everyone else around. I don’t like it.
Doing my best to appear natural, I take a step away from Than and stretch, forcing him to drop his arm. When I catch his eye again, he smiles, completely relaxed. Phew.
I watch as Lizzie tries to regain some kind of control over the rest of the giggling group, and see that Bay is staring at us from the other side of the room. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’ve been caught doing something wrong.
‘Okay, guys, great work.’ Lizzie slips back into her chair, a little out of breath. ‘You all look like you’re working as a team. Can you feel the difference?’
There’s a bit of nodding around the room. I hear Than tut next to me.
‘Let’s test this newfound teamwork out a bit, shall we?’ She grins at us wickedly. For the next ten minutes, with Lizzie instructing us from her chair, she guides us into a circle, and then, on her command, has us all sit down so that each of us is sitting on the lap of the person behind us in one unbroken loop. I’ve got Moth sat on mine while I’m perched on Than’s.
I can’t stop grinning. This is a bonkers exercise, and totally dependent on us all working together and trusting the person behind us to support our weight. It only gets a little bit chaotic when Lizzie instructs us back to our feet. W
e’re all a bit slow to react, meaning that some people try to stand before the rest, resulting in half of the group landing in a giggling mess on the floor. Then we all shift around the room and try it again. This time I’m sitting on Doreen’s lap and Emma’s sitting on mine.
‘Next,’ calls Lizzie, clapping her hands to get our attention after we’ve all struggled back to our feet again, ‘I want you to tell your partner from earlier a secret. This should be something that you haven’t shared with anyone else here yet. They will hold this secret for you and, in return, you’ll hold their secret for them.’
Crap. There goes the nice, relaxed feeling, then. I don’t want to tell Than a secret. I don’t want to tell anyone any secrets. That’s why they’re called secrets! I look sideways at Than and see that he’s looking pretty wary too.
‘Take a moment,’ Lizzie’s voice cuts in again. ‘Think about what you’re going to share with each other. Make sure that it’s something that will be equal in the exchange. It has to be worth trading, and something that you truly care about.’
‘Come on,’ I mutter to Than, ‘let’s find a bit of space.’
We drag one of the cushions out of the pile and head towards the back of the room, as far from the others as we can get. We sit facing each other in complete silence, looking anywhere but at each other.
‘Imagine,’ he says, and I jump after the long silence, ‘just imagine if someone here admitted to an affair!’ He looks at me, his eyes alight with mischief.
‘Or murder!’ I whisper back. ‘But you couldn’t tell anyone, because you promised, and they’d know that it was you who dobbed them in.’
We stare at each other in wide-eyed amusement for a second before I snort, a laugh escaping against my will. Than chuckles.
‘Please focus on your own secrets for a moment and how you plan to share them!’ Lizzie’s voice cuts across the room, and I duck my head down.
‘Oops. Rumbled!’ laughs Than.
‘So, who’s going to start?’ I ask.
‘I don’t mind . . .’
‘Okay. I’ll go . . .’ I take a deep breath, and I see his shoulders relax a bit, knowing he’s been let off the hook for a few minutes. ‘One of the reasons I’m here – something I’m trying to come to terms with – is that my mum passed away.’
Than nods in encouragement but doesn’t say anything. My heart is starting to hammer. What am I going to tell him? How much? ‘She . . . she died in a car accident.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Than puts his hand out, like he’s going to take mine. I pull my hand away before he has the chance to make contact. Every ounce of me is focused on sharing my secret, and if he touches me, I’m scared I’m not going to be able to get the words out.
‘It was raining and the roads were really messy. Apparently, the car hit a patch of water and skidded. There was a river right next to the road. The car flipped and landed on its roof in the water.’
‘Tori . . .’ Than whispers. His hand is up to his mouth, his eyes wide.
‘She drowned before anyone could get her out.’ I take a deep breath. Is that it? Is that all I’m going to tell him? Maybe a little bit more. Maybe . . .
‘There’s something else. I told you when we skipped swimming earlier—’
‘That you don’t like running water?’ He interrupts.
‘Yes.’
‘Well, now I can understand why.’
‘Yeah.’ I sigh, sit forward and hug my crossed legs like a little child. ‘Well, it’s a bit more than “don’t like”. I have severe potamophobia.’
‘Pota . . . What’s that?’
‘Potamophobia. Fear of running water. Because of the accident.’
He looks non-plussed.
‘You know how people with agoraphobia are terrified of open spaces and situations they feel they can’t escape from? Some become housebound? My terror is running water.’ I take a deep breath. My hands are starting to shake and my heartbeat is starting to race. Another deep breath. ‘Rivers. Waterfalls. Showers because of the sound . . . That urgent, pounding water.’ I stop abruptly. My mouth has gone dry. I feel a bit sick.
Than nods, but doesn’t say anything. He’s wide-eyed and expectant, like he’s waiting for me to say something more.
I shrug. ‘So that’s it. That’s me.’
‘But . . . you didn’t have it before the accident?’ he asks.
‘Nope.’
‘But you . . . you weren’t there when it happened?’
I shake my head. That’s enough now. I can’t think about it anymore. I definitely can’t share any more.
‘How are you dealing with it?’ he asks.
‘Every day. Small things,’ I say evasively. That really is enough. ‘Some days are worse, some days better.’ I clear my throat. ‘Anyway. Your turn.’
Than jumps, almost like I’ve scalded him. I surreptitiously wipe my palms on my trousers, and let out a long, slow breath. I did it. I told someone other than Nat, Hugh and Sue. It’s the first time I’ve had to say it out loud and I didn’t go to pieces. Probably because I haven’t shared the worst part yet. The part that has stopped me from getting professional help before now. I just couldn’t handle the idea of someone prizing it out of me.
‘Huh. I don’t know where to start with mine,’ mutters Than, and my attention snaps straight back into the room.
‘Why don’t you tell me a bit about how it makes you feel first?’ I offer. He’s looking shifty, like he might do a runner.
‘I can do that. Scared. Guilty. Angry. That pretty much sums it up.’
Okay, that hasn’t narrowed anything down. In fact, that could pretty much describe how I’m feeling too.
‘My brother’s ill,’ he blurts out. For some reason it’s not what I was expecting. ‘He needs a new kidney and I’m the only option. He’s asked me and I don’t know what to do. I mean, obviously I do – I have to help him. But I’m scared.’
My jaw has dropped, and I quickly shut my mouth. I’d been expecting some kind of light-hearted admission, not a life-or-death situation.
‘What if something goes wrong? What if I get ill? What if it doesn’t help? And I’m angry. Why me? And then there’s the guilt. This is my brother. I shouldn’t be feeling like this, should I? I shouldn’t be doubting this at all. I should be glad that I can help him. But I’m not. I’ve basically got no choice in the matter.’
‘And there are no other options?’ I ask as gently as I can.
‘Nope. There are no other matches. This needs to happen yesterday and here I am, hanging out here, trying to get my head around everything, when I should be in a hospital saving my brother’s life.’
It’s my turn to lean forward. I go to take his hand, but I hesitate, knowing that I didn’t want this just a minute ago. Than, however, grabs my hand like it’s a lifeline.
‘I’d be scared too. I think anyone would be,’ I say.
‘No. No, they wouldn’t. You hear about people doing this all the time, and they’re glad to do it. Not running away like I am.’
‘You’re not running away,’ I say, looking at him steadily. ‘You’re here, aren’t you? You’re dealing with it in your own way.’
Than nods, squeezes my hand and stares fixedly at the floor. Finally he says, ‘You won’t tell this lot, will you?’
‘Of course not. Isn’t that the whole point?’ I say.
‘Thanks, Tori.’ Than lets out a long sigh. ‘He gave this to me, you know,’ he fingers the yellow smiley badge still pinned to his top. ‘He gave it to me when we were kids. I thought I’d wear it . . . to remind me why I’m here, who I’m here for.’
I nod and smile at him, feeling incredibly selfish for a second. Here I am, all me me me, and here he is, trying to find the courage to save his brother’s life.
I’m still holding Than’s hand. I don’t pull away, but it seems like we’ve said everything we’re going to say. I stare around the rest of the room. It’s like there’s been some kind of energy shift as everyone comes t
o the end of their confessions.
I’m not surprised to see that a couple of people have been in tears. Emma is sitting next to Bay, looking pale and withdrawn, and Bay looks decidedly wrong-footed. He looks up at me, and I turn away just as he catches my eye.
I smile back at Than and gradually ease my grip on his hand until I can reclaim mine. I want out, now. I’ve shared more than enough of myself for one day.
To my great relief, Lizzie seems to agree as she claps her hands to get our attention.
‘Excellent, guys. Great to see these new bonds you’ve started to form. I want to remind you before you go that anything you’ve learned here today is confidential and not something to be chatted about idly around the campfire. Thank you.’
I’m on my feet and out of the door before the clapping has ended.
*
As soon as I’m outside, I start to feel better. The fresh air washes over me, and the images that have been haunting me in the claustrophobic little room dissolve in the sunshine.
I’ve never really talked much about the accident. Of course, I’ve told the Warriors most of the play-by-play facts, but typing them was a lot easier than saying them out loud. The real-life friends I had at the time tried to get me to talk about how I was feeling, but their support quickly turned into suggestions of ‘rejoining the real world’, urging me to go out, socialize and have some fun, because it was ‘what Mum would have wanted’. They couldn’t have been further from the truth. To add to the fun and games, in the middle of it all, my relationship with Markus imploded quite spectacularly, and as I continued to turn down every single invitation that came my way, they soon dried up.
I was left alone to struggle with the huge weight of grief and guilt about Mum, licking my wounds over Markus, little realizing that the biggest ball-ache to come out of it all would be this crushing, intense loneliness.
‘Hey, how’re you doing?’
It’s Bay. I swing around to find him standing just behind me, and realize that he’s probably been there for a while. I clear my throat and remind myself that he’s not a mind reader.
The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness Page 9