I shake my head. ‘I wasn’t easy to be around. I do understand that.’
‘I’m missing something here,’ says Doreen, and my heart sinks. She’s not stupid, this one, is she? ‘If you’ve been friends with someone for that long, whether you’re friends with her ex or not, you make sure she’s okay. And no matter what she throws at you, you keep trying.’
‘My mum had just died. They didn’t know how to handle it.’
Doreen looks like I’ve just slapped her. ‘Your mum? Oh, you poor lamb! So you’re telling me you lost your mum and then Markus cheated on you – all in the same year?’
I shift my legs, stretching them out and then hugging them back to me. Now I’ve come this far, I may as well tell her. ‘The same month,’ I say.
‘Son of a bitch!’ Doreen spits, taking me by surprise. I look at her and can’t help but smile at the thunderous expression on her face.
‘You could say that,’ I agree.
‘And your friends were okay with what he’d done to you?’
‘I wouldn’t say that they were okay with it. Actually, I don’t think many of them knew exactly what had happened. Markus had this interesting take on things – how I wasn’t giving him enough attention and he’d been forced to look elsewhere. I was in shock, and to be honest, I was numb when I found out what he’d done. I just split up with him and then got on with wading through all the shitty practicalities that come with losing a parent. I got quite good at not feeling anything.’
‘And your friends just abandoned you?’
‘Like I said, they asked me out, they really tried. But I wasn’t in the mood to be told that I needed to “get over it”, that a couple of drinks and a bit of fun was all I needed to feel better.’
‘Of course not. I’m so sorry,’ Doreen reaches over and pats my hand. I smile at her.
‘So that’s where it started. No work colleagues, no friends, no significant other.’
‘And all that grief and anger and sadness to work through.’
I nod.
‘What about your dad? Do you have any other family?’
I shake my head. ‘Dad left when I was a baby. He’s never been in my life and I don’t know him. I don’t have any brothers or sisters. Mum was an only kid too, so there aren’t even any aunts or uncles in the sidelines either.’
‘Do you need a hug?’ Doreen asks me suddenly.
I grin at her. ‘I’m okay,’ I say.
‘I don’t understand how you haven’t exploded?’ she says.
‘I went online. I had to talk to someone, so I joined this grief support group. That was just a couple of weeks after it all happened.’
‘Oh, thank God!’ said Doreen.
‘Exactly what I said,’ I laugh. ‘I met my three best friends in that group. One night, I just felt like I was sinking under it all. I needed to talk to someone who was going through something similar. Anyway, this girl called Nat started to chat with me, and we got on really well. I swear she was my lifeline. I talked poor Nat’s ear off in our private chat that week.’
‘And the other two?’
‘I met them about a week later in the same chat room.’
‘And this was all two years ago?’
‘Yep! I started to chat with Nat first, and then I invited the other two into our private chat when I met them . . . and we still talk every single day. I probably chat with Nat the most; she’s always checking in with me. But we’ve all been able to support each other. Like when Hugh’s brother passed away, we were all there for him.’
‘But you still feel lonely, even with these three?’
‘They are amazing, but we’ve never met in person, and no matter how much they mean to me, it’s just not the same somehow.’
‘You’ve never met?’
I shake my head. ‘Nope, we chat every day online but we’re spread all over the country. Sue has baby twins now, so she’s pretty tied up. Hugh lives right up north. Nat and I have arranged to meet up a couple of times as she’s not that far from me, but we’ve never quite managed to make it happen.’
Doreen blows out her cheeks, looking flummoxed. ‘Well, now I see why you feel lonely. Two years is a hell of a long time.’
I nod. ‘I’m at home in my flat all day. Of course, I meet people when I’m out shopping or whatever, but . . . London’s quite impersonal, you know? Millions of people . . . but they’re millions of strangers.’
I stop talking, hyper aware that I’ve just dumped all my rubbish on someone else who’s here for help. She didn’t need to hear all that. ‘Doreen, I’m so sorry,’ I say, slightly embarrassed.
‘What for?’
‘Offloading! That wasn’t fair.’
‘Erm . . . I think you’ll find that’s exactly what we’re meant to be doing,’ Doreen chuckles.
‘I guess,’ I sigh. I thought I’d feel better for telling someone, but actually, I just feel exhausted, like I could sleep for a week. I lie back on the blanket and watch a little white cloud scud across the sky. I can see Doreen, to the side of me, fiddling with another piece of grass.
‘You get stuck,’ I say, as if I’m answering a silent question. ‘After a while, it’s impossible to remember how to make new friends, how to meet people. Where to even start. And you have all this input, every day. Stuff happens, good, bad, big, small . . . life happens, and you have no one there to share it with.’ I swallow hard. The backs of my eyes are prickling, and I blink once, twice, willing the tears to magically disappear. Instead they spill over my cheeks as Doreen quietly reaches over and takes my hand.
Chapter 15
Trust Your Instincts
‘It can be difficult to tell the difference between your gut instinct and anxiety. This can lead to people with anxiety disorders losing trust in themselves. The good news is, there are ways to learn to differentiate between the two, and doing so will help you to learn to trust yourself again.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
It’s amazing what running around together in the sunshine can achieve. Despite the fact that this afternoon was emotionally exhausting, there’s a lightness to our communal meal this evening. When Doreen and I trundled back from the woods in time to make a start on the evening meal, we found it already set out on the table. Russ and Claire had decided to use their afternoon off to prepare a feast for us.
I don’t think garden salad, boiled eggs and fresh herby bread has ever tasted so delicious. Being out in the fresh air all day has made me hungry, and Doreen and I tuck in with relish. The others join us as they all start to rock up in their pairs. When Emma, Sam and Ted appear, the couple look a lot more relaxed than they did earlier, though strangely younger and more shy around each other. There’s a huge part of me that really wants to ask Emma what happened in their session, but I know I’d hate it if anyone wanted me to tell them about my afternoon with Doreen. I can only imagine it would be worse, and doubly as private, between a couple and one of the counsellors. Instead, I smile at them both, and pat the place next to me on the bench for Emma to join me. She returns my smile, but before she’s had a chance to make her way around the table, Than slumps into the spot instead.
‘Hey!’ He grins.
‘Oh, hi,’ I say, surprised. ‘I think Emma was about to sit there.’
‘There’s plenty of room!’ Than laughs, and Emma takes the seat the other side of him. ‘See, no big deal.’
I smile back at him. Sure. No big deal. I suppose. Other than the fact that Doreen’s words from earlier on are playing on a loop in my head. Than . . . attractive . . . disappointing him. I wonder if that’s what everyone else thinks too. I hadn’t really considered it before. Maybe that was naive of me. I take a peek at Than’s face, trying to figure it out. Yes, he’s definitely attractive. Dark hair, cropped fairly short. Clear skin. Almond-shaped blue eyes.
‘You okay?’ he asks, shooting me a sideways grin, clearly having caught me staring.
‘Oh, uh . . . yeah.’ I smile. �
��Away with the fairies. I’m absolutely wiped!’ I reach for my glass of water. ‘Have a good afternoon?’
‘Oh. Sure. I guess,’ he says tightly. The smile has dropped from his face now and he fidgets a bit. Reaching for a piece of bread, he starts to break it up into tiny pieces, rolling each one into a sticky ball before dropping it onto his plate.
‘You know, you should try a bite . . . that bread’s heavenly!’ I say, trying to lighten his sudden mood.
‘Cheers!’ says Russ from across the table. ‘That’s my speciality, that is!’
‘You made it?’ I ask, looking at him in surprise.
‘With my own, not so fair, hands!’ he says, cutting himself a thick slice and smothering it with honey.
‘Honey and herbs? Really?’ I say, scrunching my nose up.
‘Don’t judge until you’ve tried it!’ he says, and to my great surprise, he picks up the slice and offers it across the table for me to take a bite. I only hesitate for a second and then sink my teeth into it.
‘Oh. My. God,’ I mutter through a mouthful of herby honey deliciousness.
‘And that’s what you call a foodgasm!’ laughs Doreen, raising her glass of juice to me. I smack her arm as I continue to chew, and she and Russ both crease up. Next to me, Than lets out a huff and reaches out to fill his water glass.
‘What’s up?’ I ask quietly under the cover of the rising volume of chatter as more people join us at the table.
‘Would you be up for coming for a walk with me after dinner?’ he asks.
‘What about the washing-up?’
‘I think we’ve done our fair share of kitchen duties for a couple of days.’
‘I guess you’re right,’ I say, but still not liking the idea of leaving it all to the others.
‘Course I’m right. And I could really do with a friend this evening.’
My heart squeezes in sympathy. That’s one feeling I understand right at the core of me.
‘Sure thing,’ I say.
*
But my promise to spend some time with Than leaves me with a rather heavy feeling for the rest of the meal. You’d think we’d all be talked out after the session we’ve just had, but it’s more like a cork has come out of a bottle. The whole group’s chatting away and getting to know each other. There’s a lovely sense of community, and I’d like nothing more than to take time over my meal and join in. But as soon as Than finishes eating, I can feel his impatience coming at me in waves as he waits for me to finish. In the end, I give up. I’m not even enjoying the food now that I’ve got someone watching me eat every mouthful and sighing every time I take another sip of my drink.
As we stand together and leave the others chatting, Doreen catches my eye and gives me a wink. I want to turn around and tell her it’s not what she thinks, but Than chooses that moment to tuck my arm into his as we walk away from the group, and I see Doreen raise her eyebrows.
‘So, where do you fancy going?’ I ask lightly, resigning myself to the walk.
‘If you don’t mind, I’d really like to go back to my tent for a chat, if that’s okay?’
‘Oh . . . uh, sure . . .’ I say uncertainly.
‘I would have suggested your place, as I guess you might be more comfortable there, but Bay could turn up any moment, and I don’t fancy spending any more time with him today.’
I glance at him and see his jaw clench. Uh oh! I’m guessing that wasn’t a particularly easy session for the two of them this afternoon then.
‘It’s okay!’ I say. ‘I haven’t been up to the campsite since you’ve all arrived and set up. I’d love to see it now.’
‘Cool!’ says Than, and I feel him relax a bit.
‘So, what’s up?’ I ask, as we swing the gate to the woodland closed behind us.
‘Just . . . all the questions, you know? They want to get all this personal shit out of you and I can’t see the point.’
‘Well . . . haven’t you found it’s helping at all?’ I ask gently. ‘The bits that you’ve shared already, haven’t they got you thinking?’
‘I don’t need any extra shit to think about, thanks!’ he snaps.
‘Oh. I didn’t mean . . .’
‘Sorry, Tori.’ Than stops in his tracks. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. That’s the last thing I want to do.’
‘It’s okay,’ I shrug.
‘No. It’s not.’ He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, leaving it sticking up here and there. ‘Look, can we just hang out for a bit, gossip, have a laugh . . . not get into the heavy stuff? I think that’ll do me more good than anything else they’ve thrown at us today.’
I look at him and can’t help but smile. He looks like a little boy, with his dark hair all tufty, and his ever-present smiley-face badge slightly askew on the front of his top. ‘Of course,’ I say, ‘sounds like a plan.’
There’s a part of me that’s now desperate to find out what Bay and Than discussed in their session. I didn’t catch which one of them was due to do the talking, but from Than’s reaction to the whole afternoon, I’m guessing it was him. Still, maybe he’ll tell me a bit about it later once he’s calmed down.
We’re both pretty quiet as we walk the rest of the way to the campsite, but the atmosphere between us is now far more relaxed. It’s a beautiful evening again. The light is soft and the scent of blossom seems to be drifting up from the orchard below us. I take in a deep breath as we walk and let it out slowly. Who’d have thought I’d enjoy being here as much as I am? And on an evening stroll with a handsome guy, no less.
When we reach the campsite, it’s pretty clear that there’s no one else here. The fire pit is black and lifeless, and the four tent entrances are zipped up tight. They’re arranged in a wide, loose circle around the fire, far enough away that there’s no chance of a stray spark or bit of floating ash causing an issue.
Than beckons me over to an old-school green and orange affair that looks like it would be at home in an Enid Blyton book.
‘This is me,’ he says, unzipping the front.
It’s a tiny space, especially compared with the yurt, which is basically a palace.
‘You want to get a fire going and hang out here?’ I ask hopefully.
Than shakes his head. ‘Nah, let’s stay in here for a bit. I’m totally knackered, and there’s plenty of space for us both to crash out for a while.’
He crawls in, and I hesitate, a bit at a loss for words. Than heaves a pack from inside the tent and dumps it unceremoniously on the ground outside. Then, crawling back in, he straightens a sleeping bag out on one side of the tent and places a tartan blanket on the other side.
‘There ya go,’ he grins back over his shoulder. ‘You’ve got your own blanket and everything.’
Resigning myself to saying goodbye to the beautiful, sunlit evening and hello to the cramped, stuffy inside of Than’s tent, I kick off my Converse and crawl in after him.
‘Here!’ he says, passing one of his pillows to me.
‘Ta.’ I scoot around and sit in an awkward, cross-legged position as Than sprawls full length onto his sleeping bag. I tuck my ankles in even further, hoping that my socks don’t stink after a day in my hot shoes. Uh oh, there’s zero chance of that!
‘Seriously, Tori, make yourself comfortable! You look like you’re sitting on a pile of drawing pins!’
Well, it seems I can’t beat him, so I may as well join him. And besides, it gives me an excuse to get my potentially stinky feet as far away from both our noses as possible. I stretch out full length next to Than, wiggling my feet under my blanket while I’m at it, and lean my head up on one hand.
‘That’s more like it!’ he smiles approvingly, and brings his arms up behind his head.
Now I’m lying down, the epic tiredness from earlier sweeps over me and I force back a yawn.
‘Boring you already?’ Than says, turning his head to look at me.
‘I’m sorry!’ I laugh. ‘Of course you’re not. I’m just wiped out. It�
��s all the fresh air, I think.’
‘Yeah. That and all the questions,’ Than grumbles, looking back up at the canvas roof again.
‘Hey, we weren’t going to talk about that, remember?’ I tease, poking him in the side with my free hand.
Than squirms at my touch, and shifts over onto his side, mirroring me. Wow. Okay, flood of butterflies – where did they come from? Perhaps it’s something to do with those blue eyes quite so close to mine. We’re not touching, but it wouldn’t take much for me to reach out and make contact again.
I try to breathe as slowly as possible, not wanting him to sense what’s running through my mind.
‘So how was your afternoon?’ Than asks quietly.
I raise my eyebrows, surprised. ‘You sure you want to talk about this stuff?’ I ask.
‘As long as I don’t have to talk about mine, then we’re good,’ he quirks a smile at me, and for a second I can’t take my eyes off his mouth.
‘Deal,’ I say, my voice coming out huskily. I clear my throat. I settle my head back onto my pillow and turn on my back to face the canvas ceiling. ‘Well, our session was good,’ I say.
‘It was Doreen’s turn this time, wasn’t it?’ he asks.
‘Yep, but . . .’
‘What did she have to tell you, then?’ he interrupts. ‘What’s a housewife like her really got to worry about?’
I swallow. Well, that’s one way to kill a mood stone dead. My butterflies have just dive-bombed off the edge of a cliff. I had been about to tell him that we swapped, that I’d taken the turn to talk, but something makes me keep that to myself.
‘That’s not very fair,’ I say as lightly as I can.
‘But she’s so insipid. You know she is.’
‘I like Doreen,’ I say. I really like her and I really don’t like what’s happening right now.
‘Well, I suppose there’s not much there to dislike.’
‘Than!’
‘Fine, fine.’ He laughs. ‘I’m sure she’s lovely.’ He says it in his arch sarcastic voice, and I bristle.
‘She is lovely,’ I say firmly.
The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness Page 12