‘Thank you, Bay,’ says Ted.
‘I’ll go,’ says Than quickly. ‘I do too much for people. Money, gifts. I forgive over and over. I lose myself in other people and forget that I’m important too.’
The back of my neck prickles as a breeze rustles the branches of the apple trees above us.
That was weird.
Set against the backdrop of what Bay just said, Than’s issue sounds almost like a good thing. The complete opposite of what Bay just admitted to struggling with. Almost . . . like a brag. Than shifts his weight next to me and as Ted moves on to the next person, the sensation passes. Maybe I’m reading too much into everything.
I tune back in to hear Geoff finish talking about how he’s struggling to remember to have a bit of fun after focusing too long on keeping their heads above water financially. I know how he feels on that one. Bob nearly has me in tears as he tells us about how much he misses his partner who passed away over a decade ago, and how no other guy comes near to matching up to him. Moth nods vigorously as Bob talks, clearly understanding every word and emotion that’s crossing his face.
Finally, it’s Beardy Weirdy’s turn. ‘Mine sounds ridiculous,’ he rumbles in his low voice.
‘Nothing you say is ridiculous,’ says Ted, his voice comforting. ‘It can be the simplest or the strangest things that can hold us back.’
Beardy nods. ‘Well, I’ve been getting really bad panic attacks.’
I can’t help but stare at Beardy. Really? Someone as grounded and weathered as him having panic attacks?
‘And do you know what sparks them? What the trigger is?’ asks Ted gently.
‘Yes. That’s the ridiculous bit.’ Beardy takes a deep breath and looks around at us all, as if expecting someone to start laughing. ‘It’s . . . well, it’s whenever I think about the environment . . . the destruction of the planet. If I catch something on the news, or come across an article. I start to think about it, and that thought joins a bunch of other worries, and then I start to feel helpless . . . I mean there’s nothing any of us can do on our own is there? And then it just . . . it just . . . spirals.’
Beardy stops talking. His breath is coming in short, sharp bursts. My heart goes out to him. His reaction is one of the least ridiculous things I’ve ever seen, probably because it’s so familiar.
‘Thank you for sharing,’ says Ted. ‘Thank you all for sharing. These are things we’re going to be working on over the coming weeks. This is just the start. You’ve all taken a huge step today. It’s important to be open so that we can act as each other’s mirrors, reflecting back a different take on these issues and fears so that we can see them from new perspectives and start to understand them better.’ Ted pauses to look around at us all.
‘Right, everybody up!’ Ted says, clapping loudly. Everyone jumps at the unexpected noise.
He bounds to his feet and a couple of the others follow his lead more slowly, shaking their heads and stretching as if they’ve just come out of a doze. I’m still sitting. I can’t seem to shake the sense of heaviness that has fallen over me.
‘Here, Tori!’ Bay, who’s already on his feet and looking about as perky as Ted, offers me his hand with a smile. I hesitate for just a second and then let him pull me to my feet. He misjudges it a bit and pulls so hard that I end up crashing into his chest. His spare arm wraps around me as we stagger back under the force of the impact.
‘Thanks,’ I laugh.
‘No worries!’
For a second I’m caught up in his eyes, more hazel than green this afternoon in the soft light of the orchard.
‘Tori, can you give me a hand? My leg’s gone to sleep!’
Than’s voice makes me quickly step away from Bay. We both reach down to help him up between us, but Than grabs my arm and is on his feet without even acknowledging Bay’s offer to help. Bay shrugs and walks away.
‘Okay, gang, I think a quick game of catch is in order!’ Ted calls excitedly.
‘Catch?’ Emma says, looking like she’s missed something.
‘Yep. No home bases and I’ll start!’
Before anyone has quite figured out what’s happening, Ted darts straight towards an unsuspecting Bob, pats him on the elbow and yells ‘Tag!’ before hotfooting it in the other direction.
For the next ten minutes, all kinds of chaos break loose as we dart around the orchard in the sunshine. Bob chases me three times around the same tree before turning back on himself and catching me at full tilt coming towards him. I catch Than, who’s only a couple of paces away. He promptly chases Bay around the whole orchard, zigzagging in and out of the trees with the rest of us cheering, until he finally catches him. Bay promptly dashes straight at Doreen and catches her in a matter of seconds.
Emma lets out a high-pitched squeal as Doreen makes a heroic lunge for her, catching her on the arm, only to do an unexpected commando-roll into the grass as she completely fails to stop. Emma turns around to help her up, only to yell ‘Tag’ as Doreen reaches for her hand. We all dissolve into a round of giggles and the game comes to a rather unruly end.
‘Excellent!’ yells Ted. We all gather around him, breathing heavily and grinning. ‘Just a quick reminder not to get stuck in our heads. It’s important stuff we’re talking about, but it’s just as important to play in the sunshine, have fun together and be in the moment . . .’
I raise my eyebrows. Man, he’s good. He does have a point – the whole time we were whizzing around the orchard, I didn’t think about anything other than whether I was being chased or not.
‘Can’t believe I paid for this,’ mutters Than beside me.
I elbow him in the ribs. I know he enjoyed that every bit as much as I did.
‘Okay, we’re going to pair off for the rest of the session and carry on from where we left off earlier.’
Than links his arm through mine. I glance at him and force a smile. It’s not that I don’t want to work with him again, but I’d really love the chance to get to know the others a bit too. Just hearing them talk earlier made me realize that I’ve hardly had the chance . . . or maybe I should say, I’ve hardly made the effort to get to know them yet.
‘This time,’ Ted continues, and I look back at him, fixed smile still on my face, ‘I’m going to pair you up. It’s human nature to gravitate towards the same people, but that’s going to keep you in your comfort zones, and that’s not what today is about. So . . .’
Ted runs through some quick pairings. Than ends up with Bay, while I, much to my delighted surprise, am partnered up with Doreen. When he’s done, Ted goes through all the pairs very quickly, assigning the letter A or B to each partner.
‘Okay, it’s A’s turn to talk today, and B, you are the set of ears, the listener and the questioner. This isn’t about trying to catch your partner out; it’s about listening and understanding their story. And I want all you A’s to tell your partner about one thing you want to address while you’re here. It can be more about what you told us just now, or it can be something completely new.
‘I’ll be here in the orchard working with Emma and Sam, if any of you need to find me. I advise you all to stay out in the fresh air, but feel free to roam the place until you find somewhere you’re both comfortable. You’ve got the rest of the afternoon, and we’ll all meet up again to start preparing supper at six.’
Chapter 14
Ban the Snooze Button
‘When you start trying to change your life, it can all feel a bit scary. You’re beginning to wake up, but it’s too much at times. But don’t hit the snooze button on your life. Get up, get dressed and find out what life has in store for you today!’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
‘I seriously can’t believe that they let us two pair up,’ laughs Doreen as we make our way out of the yard.
‘Why not?’ I ask. ‘Hey, do you mind if we head up towards the woods instead of that way?’
‘Of course not!’ says Doreen. We make a quick change of
direction and set off up the field past the yurt. ‘Oh, the river’s down that way, isn’t it?’
I nod.
‘Sorry, I didn’t think.’
‘Don’t be sorry. I don’t expect everyone else to have to remember my oddities! Anyway, why shouldn’t they let us pair up?’
‘Well, you’d think they’d be worried about us gossiping the whole session away!’
‘Actually, I think that’s what they’re hoping for!’ I laugh. ‘At least in a controlled kind of way. I think they were aiming to pair people up who’d be comfortable together.’
‘Well, in that case, I’m surprised you’re not with Than.’
I blush at her blunt, forthright approach. ‘Than?’ I squeak.
‘Well . . . yes! You’ve spent more time together than the rest of us have, I think.’
‘Oh . . . I . . .’ I feel awkward all of a sudden. I mean, yes, I’ve chatted to Than, he tends to seek me out when we’re all together, but I figure it’s just because I’m the only one who knows what’s going on for him at the moment. I don’t think he’s shared much with the others yet.
‘Don’t worry, love,’ says Doreen. ‘You know, it’s not a crime to find a guy attractive and want to spend time with him.’
‘Attractive?’
‘Well, don’t you?’
I can feel the heat rushing up from my feet. ‘I . . . erm . . .’
‘Wow, girl, slow down!’ puffs Doreen. ‘That game of catch almost killed me. I don’t need you finishing me off!’
I’ve subconsciously picked up my pace and have started to route- march up the hill as if I’m trying to outrun Doreen’s questions. ‘Sorry,’ I say, slowing down as she catches up.
‘So, do you?’ she prods.
‘What?’
I know what, I’m just playing for time.
‘Like Than? I mean . . . find him attractive . . . you know, like him?’ She waggles her eyebrows at me.
I can’t help but laugh. ‘I guess,’ I say. ‘I mean, he’s a good-looking guy. He’s been really nice and I’ve enjoyed his company—’
‘Wow, you sound like a maiden aunt!’ Doreen laughs.
‘Jeez, thanks very much.’
‘Well, you do! Where are the butterflies and the sparks and the heart- pounding excitement?’
‘The thing is, I’m not here for that. I’m not looking for someone else at the moment. I’ve got too much to do, too much I want to get my head around.’
‘I hear you,’ says Doreen softly at my side. ‘Shame, though. I was looking forward to you providing me with all the juicy retreat gossip.’
‘Well, sorry to disappoint!’ I grin at her as we reach to top of the field. We both turn and lean our backs against the gate, gazing back down towards the yurt and over the farmhouse and yard.
‘Love, it’s not me you’ll be disappointing,’ says Doreen with a serious face.
I don’t know what to say to that. Maybe there is a little flutter when I see Than and when we spend time together. I know there shouldn’t be, but he does seem to understand me. It’s like there’s some kind of unspoken communication between us, like we’ve known each other for longer than the couple of days we’ve been here at The Farm.
‘Sorry, Tori, I shouldn’t have said anything,’ Doreen says, patting my arm, her face a picture of concern.
‘Oh, don’t worry about that. I’ve got so much in my head, I just don’t feel like I can trust my instincts on anything at the moment. Anyway, that’s enough about me. This session’s meant to be about you!’ I say, unhooking the gate from the post and swinging it back so that we can make our way into the baby woodland beyond.
‘Me?’ squeaks Doreen, turning to help me heave the gate closed behind us.
‘Yep.’
‘I . . . You know, Tori, I don’t think I’m ready,’ she says.
I look at Doreen and see a cloud cross her usually sunny face.
‘But you’ve had to put up with me wittering all the way up here. And anyway, you’re group A and I’m group B. And group A gets their turn today,’ I grin at her, trying to lift her out of whatever slump she’s slipped into.
Doreen shakes her head at me.
‘Don’t you trust me?’ I ask. I feel a tiny shard of hurt hit me in the chest.
‘Oh, love, it’s not that. I don’t trust myself yet. You’re so brave, sharing your phobia with the group . . . and I, I just can’t. Not yet. Not even with you. And you’d be the first person I could tell.’
I swallow down a lump in my throat and grab Doreen’s hand, giving it a squeeze. She looks at me, surprised.
‘It’s okay. I’ll swap with you. But when you’re ready, I’m here, okay?’ I say.
Doreen squeezes my hand hard and sniffs. ‘Okay.’
We wander through the young trees in silence for a while, my hand still in hers. The sun has come out now, and rather than feeling tense and uncomfortable, like I did when Ted told us about this session, I’m completely relaxed. I’m enjoying the warmth on my face, and the company of this lovely woman I’m coming to think of as a friend.
‘So . . .’ prompts Doreen at last.
‘So?’ I say, stopping in a little clearing. There’s thick grass in between the trees here. They haven’t grown tall enough to cut out the light yet, and little wild flowers are dotted like bright jewels among the green. ‘Shall we sit down?’
‘Sure!’ says Doreen. ‘Two secs . . .’ She yanks a canvas tote bag that I hadn’t even noticed she was carrying off her arm and draws out a red tartan blanket.
‘Ooh, snazzy!’
‘Well, it was in the cabin, and Bay mentioned last night that Ted tends to prefer to send us outside rather than working indoors, so I thought it might come in handy.’
‘Good thinking,’ I sigh as I sink down onto the blanket next to Doreen.
‘So . . .’ She smiles at me.
‘Ah. Back to that. Now what was it Ted said we were meant to do?’
‘Tell me one of the reasons that you came here. It can be anything.’
I shrug. ‘That’s an easy one.’
‘Is it?’ Doreen gapes at me, surprised.
‘Of course,’ I say, settling down with my legs crossed. I know Claire said that the yoga session was a gentle one, but I can still feel a faint, delicious hum in my muscles that I’m not used to.
‘I’m lonely,’ I say, matter-of-factly. Why is it so easy to say that to Doreen?
‘You are?’ She looks a bit surprised.
‘Yes. That’s the big thing I’m here to . . . fix? Is that the right word?’
‘But how are you lonely? You’re so easy to talk to, so lovely,’ says Doreen. ‘I thought your reason for being here was the water thing . . .’
‘I guess that’s part of it,’ I say. Not the part I want to talk about right now, though.
Doreen picks a long piece of grass from the edge of the rug and starts to twist it around her finger like a ring. ‘How long have you been feeling like that?’ she asks.
I sigh. When did it start? When Mum died? That would be logical . . . but, if I’m honest, it was even before then. ‘You know, I think it’s been there since I was a kid in a way. I was always a part of a large group, but never had one close friend that really stuck. It was like that all the way through school and uni. I guess it really started to have an impact when I left work just over two years ago,’ I say.
‘I used to be a copywriter for a big advertising agency. I never really liked it much. The work was okay, but the whole office thing was exhausting. I felt like I had to put on a different persona just to fit in. Then there were the days when my anxiety would take over, and it was a real struggle just to face the commute, let alone deal with everyone when I actually reached the office. Anyway, in the end I plucked up the courage to go self-employed.’
‘Wow, that was brave!’ says Doreen.
‘I guess so. But it meant I lost that connection with all those people I saw every day.’
‘You didn’t
stay in touch with your friends from work?’
‘They weren’t really friends; just colleagues. And I was so busy trying to scrape enough income together that I let it slip. We’d never really socialized anyway, so as soon as I finished at the office that was that.’
‘But what about your other friends? Surely you didn’t only have your work colleagues?’
I shake my head and sigh. ‘No, I had a big group of friends. Actually, we’d all been mates since secondary school. We managed to stay in touch through uni.’
‘So what happened?’
‘My fiancé, Markus, was part of the same group. We’d all been together for what felt like for ever.’
‘Sounds perfect,’ Doreen sighs.
‘It does, doesn’t it? At least from the outside,’ I huff. ‘But then, when everything went wrong, it meant everything went wrong.’
‘What happened?’ Doreen asks, looking worried.
‘Markus cheated on me.’
‘He didn’t!’ Doreen looks horrified.
‘Yep.’
‘With one of your friends?’
I look at her, surprised. ‘No. No, not with one of my friends. It was with a random barmaid.’
‘Oh. Sorry.’
I shrug.
‘So what did you do?’
‘I split up with him.’
‘As you would expect. That must have really hurt.’
‘It did . . . but I had other stuff to worry about at the time.’
‘So your friends sided with him?’
‘No, not at first. They kept inviting me out, trying to help me over it with offers of girly nights out and shopping.’
‘It didn’t work?’ asks Doreen gently.
‘I didn’t accept any of the invitations, and it didn’t take long for them to dry up completely. And before I knew it, Markus was seeing this other girl and they were a part of the group . . . and I was out.’ I let out a sigh and pick at one of my nails.
‘I can understand you pulling back after it had just ended, but didn’t you want to reconnect with your friends after a while? Surely they could see you were hurting and—’
The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness Page 11