The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness

by Laura Bambrey

  ‘Rowan Myrtle Mullins, get back up to that house this instant. I told you not to bother Tori. Go and get ready. We’re off to see your mum and little sister in ten minutes!’

  Rowan tuts and looks sulky. ‘But, Dad, I—’

  ‘Now, Rowan.’

  ‘Here.’ Rowan thrusts the wad of paper at me. ‘You need all the facts. Make sure you read it all.’

  ‘Thanks, Rowan,’ I smile at her. ‘I’ve read it all, but thanks.’

  ‘No, you might’ve missed bits in the shock.’ She looks at me, eyes wide, before retreating back to the house.

  ‘What was all that about?’ asks Doreen, watching them go.

  ‘I don’t know . . . Maybe she was hoping to get a nice little payout for the printout!’ I laugh. ‘Anyway, right now I’m more worried about Bay. I don’t get it. Why’d he just disappear?’

  ‘Maybe something really did come up for him.’

  ‘Something that meant he couldn’t wait around for an extra ten minutes to talk to me? Especially after last night. It’s got to have something to do with this,’ I say, waving the printout pages crossly.

  ‘Bay’s got to finish off the course, hasn’t he? And he’s got to return Frank . . . I’m sure he’ll be back soon.’

  ‘I guess you’re right.’ I shrug and kick at the ground. ‘Shame Ted turned up right at that second though. With Bay gone, I could have done with asking Rowan for some coffee. I’m dying for a cup.’

  ‘Tell you what,’ Doreen says, linking her arm through mine, ‘let’s head back to my place. Geoff will be desperate to catch up with you and know you’re okay. I’ve even got some teabags – proper PG Tips and everything.’

  Chapter 30

  The Mirrors You Can’t Avoid

  ‘Friends are the mirrors we can’t avoid. We might be able to hide certain things from ourselves, but good friends will always find a way to reflect them back at us. Go ahead and take a look.’

  ©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com

  *

  As I sink onto the little settee inside Doreen and Geoff’s cabin, I feel completely knackered. It’s probably not even midday yet, but today has already been one of the weirdest days of my life so far, and that’s saying something. There are so many thoughts whizzing around in my head, I’m not sure which one to grab hold of and examine first.

  ‘So. You two worked everything out, then?’ Geoff asks lightly as he plops onto a wooden chair opposite and hands me a mug of strong tea.

  ‘Oh, yes,’ laughs Doreen, settling herself down next to me. ‘I’m a bored, twittering housewife and she’s a spoiled little brat.’

  I snort into my mug and Geoff grins at us. ‘Oh good. At least that clears that up.’

  ‘Point is,’ I say, ‘we all say stupid stuff we don’t mean at times.’

  ‘Oh, I meant it,’ Doreen smirks, and I dig her in the ribs with my elbow.

  ‘So, you’re okay, Tori?’ Geoff asks.

  ‘Not really. I don’t know where to start with all this. I think I’d feel better if Bay hadn’t buggered off on me too.’

  ‘What’s this?’ Geoff raises his eyebrows.

  ‘Bay’s gone to London, apparently. Some kind of emergency,’ says Doreen, quickly filling him in while I sip my tea.

  ‘When did he say he’d be back, Tori?’

  ‘He didn’t,’ I say. ‘He’d already left when we got back from our walk. Rowan told us.’

  ‘Ah. Well . . . I’m sure he’ll be back before you know it.’

  ‘Question is, why didn’t he wait and tell me himself?’

  ‘Well, if it was an emergency, maybe he couldn’t wait.’

  ‘Not even for half an hour? I don’t know . . . Something’s off. I don’t even know if he’s seen Than’s article.’

  ‘He will have,’ says Geoff. ‘When Claire was here earlier, she said that they were going to have to share it with the whole group. There’s no way that Ted would have let Bay leave without filling him in.’

  ‘You’re right,’ I sigh. ‘I just hope it wasn’t something to do with the article that made him leave so suddenly . . . or maybe it was because of what happened last night.’

  ‘What happened?’ Geoff asks curiously.

  ‘They had a moment!’ Doreen says, waggling her eyebrows. ‘And there’s no way it would have anything to do with that, I’m sure.’

  ‘A moment, eh?’ Geoff smiles at me. ‘So that’s what the kids are calling it these days . . .’

  ‘Well, I almost managed to screw it up by mentioning Than at a critical moment . . . Shit, I hope it wasn’t that.’ My brain is throwing worry after worry at me and I can’t keep up.

  ‘Tori, Bay’s a really straightforward guy,’ says Geoff, taking a sip of tea. ‘If everything felt right, then it was right, so don’t worry about things that you’re only imagining. It’ll all work out, you’ll see. But on the subject of Than – Nathan – whatever we’re calling him now, what are you going to do?’

  My heart sinks even further.

  ‘If I’m honest, I don’t know.’ I shrug helplessly. ‘You know, this is my biggest fear come true.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘The whole world finding out.’

  ‘What? That you’re an amazing writer?’ asks Geoff. ‘Because you are, by the way!’

  I shake my head. I have to do this. This is exactly what Ted was talking about – I’ve got to communicate the things that scare me the most. ‘No. That I’m guilty . . . for my mother’s death.’

  Doreen looks at me with her eyes wide. ‘Tori, that was an accident. I’ve read your posts and you told us about it that day at the river. A car accident. Horrific, but not your fault.’

  ‘It was,’ I say.

  ‘But, love, you weren’t even there.’

  ‘No. And that’s what makes it my fault. I should have been driving that day.’

  My breath is coming hard and fast, but this isn’t the usual sensation of panic returning. This is something else. Like a dam inside of me has burst.

  ‘Tell us,’ she says steadily. ‘If you want to talk about it, we’re here for you.’

  Geoff nods. I take a deep breath.

  ‘Mum and I had a very strained relationship. She had a drinking problem. No matter what I did to try to help her . . . it was never enough. It had come to the point where she only called when she was drunk. She called when she needed help – whether it was money, or when she got in trouble with the police, or wanted me to act as her unpaid taxi. And I’d had enough. I loved her, of course I did, she was my mum, but she was so difficult to deal with. I know . . . I know that it was an illness, and I did try to be there for her. But sometimes, she was just awful.’

  Doreen and Geoff are both listening intently, but neither try to comfort me nor interrupt, and I’m grateful. Now I’ve started, I’m not sure I can stop.

  ‘She was emotionally abusive. I guess that’s what you’d call it. She was like that when I was a kid, but it just got worse as the drinking got worse. On the night of the accident, I’d had enough. I was up to my eyeballs in work, trying to keep myself afloat, trying to keep Markus happy, and I just couldn’t face bailing her out of whatever shite she’d landed herself in again. When I saw her name flash up on my mobile, for the first time ever, I just ignored the call.’

  ‘Oh, Tori,’ Doreen says gently as I pause for breath, for a beat of calm before I have to say the worst part out loud.

  ‘Because of me . . . because I was so selfish . . . my mum got behind the wheel when she was so far over the limit it was a miracle she was even conscious. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. I ignored her call. I’m responsible for her death, and I have to live with that guilt every single day for the rest of my life.’

  Now that I’ve finished, I can’t look at them. I stare hard at my hands, trying to keep my breathing steady. Then I feel the warm weight of a comforting hand on my shoulder. I look up to find Geoff smiling gently down at me. Doreen takes my hand from the other side, and I
look at her. Her eyes are pink from the tears that have snuck down her cheeks while I’ve been talking.

  My biggest fear is out there, and the world hasn’t ended.

  ‘What can I do?’ I ask, my voice breaking.

  ‘Talk about it,’ says Geoff. ‘Talk to us. Talk to Ted and Lizzie. You’re in the perfect place. Work through it. You’re surrounded by friends.’

  Doreen nods.

  ‘I always thought that . . . well . . . that this means that I don’t deserve friends,’ I say, my voice coming out low and husky.

  ‘Well, we’re not going anywhere,’ Doreen says quietly.

  I smile shakily at them. ‘Thank you.’

  Geoff shakes his head as if to ward off my thanks and Doreen squeezes my hand and shrugs. ‘What are friends for?’

  ‘You know, I can’t believe you told Than about your blog,’ Geoff says, sitting back down. ‘You’ve always been so clear on there that you wanted to remain anonymous.’

  ‘She didn’t tell him!’ says Doreen, raising her eyebrows at her husband.

  ‘Oh,’ says Geoff, looking confused. ‘Then how did he . . . ?’

  ‘No idea,’ I sigh. ‘The only people I’ve ever told were the Warriors – the three people I’m friends with online. It was actually one of them, Nat, who encouraged me to start the blog.’

  ‘Well then, he must have contacted them somehow. One of them must have let it slip,’ says Geoff.

  ‘Do you think? How would he have even known to contact them?’

  ‘You two were very close, briefly,’ says Doreen. She looks at me quizzically.

  ‘We were. Sometimes it was like he understood me without me having to say anything . . .’ I trail off.

  ‘Maybe you mentioned the group at some point and he went from there?’ asks Geoff.

  I shudder. Maybe I did. ‘But even if he did that, and somehow managed to get hold of them, I know those three. They just wouldn’t have told him.’

  ‘Have you still got that printout of the article Rowan gave you?’ Doreen asks. ‘Maybe there’s something we missed?’

  I yank the pages out of my pocket and hand them over to Doreen.

  ‘Rowan,’ I say. It’s a light bulb moment that brings me absolutely no relief. ‘I promised to let the Warriors know how it was going here, so I paid her to let me use her phone to get online and send them a couple of quick messages.’

  ‘You don’t think Rowan . . . ?’ Geoff looks shocked.

  I shake my head. ‘No, not her, but maybe I left it logged in. It’s a possibility, isn’t it?’

  Doreen stops reading the article and stares at me. ‘And Than somehow found it, you mean?’

  ‘It’s a possibility, I guess,’ says Geoff.

  ‘I need to talk to Rowan, now!’ I get to my feet, but Doreen grabs my arm.

  ‘She’ll be on her way to the hospital by now.’

  I give an impatient huff, but flop back down onto the sofa. Doreen’s right.

  ‘Tori!’ Doreen squeaks, making both me and Geoff jump. ‘What’s that group of yours called again?’ she asks me, wide-eyed.

  ‘What, the online one? The Warriors. I know it’s a bit naff but—’

  ‘Look!’ says Doreen, thrusting a couple of pages under my nose.

  I take them on autopilot, bracing myself for something I missed earlier, but this is something completely different. It takes me a couple of moments to figure out what I’m looking at.

  ‘I don’t believe this!’ I gasp as it sinks in.

  ‘What? What is it?’ asks Geoff, leaning forward in his chair and looking ready to snatch the pages out of my hands.

  ‘It’s . . . it’s our conversation. The Warriors chatroom, I mean!’ I say.

  ‘But why would Rowan give this to you?’ asks Doreen, looking as nonplussed as I feel.

  I rifle through the pages of conversation. It’s all the most recent stuff over the past month or so. I peer at the last page, and the very last entry from me is the one where I told them that Than had tried to kiss me, and how I was feeling about Bay. Then there are a couple of replies to my message from Hugh and Sue, telling me to enjoy a bit of holiday romance while I can get it, and generally joking around about my supposed love triangle. Then they start tagging Nat as she’d gone quiet. Right at the bottom, in pink biro, is scrawled one word, underlined three times.

  Catfish.

  Chapter 31

  An Attitude of Gratitude

  ‘It’s all too easy to focus on how difficult life can be. The problem with these negatives is that they can spiral out of control. The solution is very simple: making conscious gratitude a part of your daily life will help you reframe your day. Don’t know where to start? Find just one thing, right now, that you’re truly grateful for.’

  ©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com

  *

  Someone hammers on the door of the cabin, making us all jump.

  ‘There you are!’ says Rowan as soon as I answer the door. ‘I’ve been looking for you everywhere!’

  ‘What are you doing here? I thought you were at the hospital?’ I say.

  Rowan shrugs. ‘They rang to say Mum and the baby can come home, so I said I’d wait here so that there was more room in the car.’ She swaggers into the cabin and plonks herself in my vacated seat. ‘Well? Did you find my note?’

  ‘Note?’

  ‘On the printouts. Tell me you read them!’

  ‘Oh, I read them. Rowan, how did you get those printouts? Did I leave myself logged in or . . . ?’

  ‘You? Are you kidding? You clear your browser history every time you’re finished!’ Rowan laughs. She catches my eye, sees that I’m not joining in with the joke and continues hastily: ‘It was Than. Than left himself logged in.’

  My mind is reeling. This isn’t making any sense.

  ‘I think he’s a catfish, Tori!’

  ‘Slow down and explain,’ says Doreen gently to Rowan.

  ‘Catfish! Oh come on, surely . . .’

  Geoff and Doreen look perplexed.

  ‘A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone else online, to get people to like them, or to trust them, or get information from them . . . from you, Tori!’

  ‘Okay, but I’d never met Than before I came here,’ I say.

  Rowan rolls her eyes. ‘But you’d met Nat, or “Nathalie33”,’ Rowan says, watching me intently.

  ‘Nat’s one of my best friends.’

  Geoff has his hand over his mouth and Doreen is looking back and forth between me and Rowan like she’s watching a game of ping-pong.

  ‘Nat. Than. Nathan – Tori, they’re all the same person. Look, I can prove it.’ Rowan quickly grabs her phone out of her coat pocket and swipes it open. ‘I left it logged in. He’s logged in as Nathalie33. He is Nathalie33.’

  I take the phone from her and peer at the familiar chat screen. The only difference is the avatar in the bottom left corner isn’t my own face; it’s a little silver quill pen on a black background. Nat’s avatar.

  ‘I can’t believe this,’ I say faintly.

  ‘Dad was ranting on about Than’s article, and how he wasn’t who he said he was. So I went online to read it. Then I thought maybe there might be something in my history. I mean, he paid me quite a few times to go online. I had all these different tabs open. I spotted this one and didn’t think anything of it until I saw your username. That’s what got my attention, because you’re always so careful about closing everything down. So I had a bit of a closer look and saw that it wasn’t you logged in, but someone called Nathalie33. And there’s no one called Nathalie here, and so I just put two and two together.’

  I’m watching her with my mouth open. ‘Two and two?!’ I say.

  ‘That it must have been him. If I’d known what he was doing, I swear I would have warned you!’

  ‘But it doesn’t make any sense. I’ve been friends with Nat online for years! She’s the one who convinced me to come here.’

  Rowan shrugs. ‘Most people do it
to lure their victims into some kind of relationship.’

  I shudder at the word ‘victim’. ‘So why pretend to be a woman?’

  ‘So you’d trust her . . . I mean him,’ says Geoff, looking horrified. ‘He must have wanted to meet you, so convinced you to come here and then booked his place after you’d confirmed. I mean, it’s the perfect way to meet up with you without blowing his cover.’

  ‘At least you know how he got all those details about you,’ says Doreen, looking shocked.

  The hairs on the back of my neck are prickling again. I feel like I’m being watched. This is horrible. One of my best friends isn’t even real.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’ Rowan says slowly. ‘Have you ever met the other two you talk to on there?’

  ‘Hugh and Sue? No. None of us have ever met up.’

  ‘If you’ve never met, how do we know that they aren’t in on it too?’

  ‘Oh God, don’t say that!’ I say.

  ‘But I’m right though, aren’t I?’ Rowan asks, looking between Geoff and Doreen for backup. ‘They could be anyone . . . or they could all be the same person.’

  I think for a moment. No, that doesn’t feel right. ‘They’ve always been really genuine on there. Sue’s shared photos of her kids with us, and holiday snaps. I email her separately sometimes too as she proofreads some of my work for me.’

  ‘What about the other guy?’ Geoff asks.

  ‘Hugh? Actually, I’ve voice chatted with him a few times, as he gets bored on long drives, and he knows I’m around during the day.’

  ‘Okay,’ Rowan says slowly. ‘And it never seemed weird to you that Nat never did this?’

  ‘I never thought about it. We message on there. We message privately sometimes too, and that’s always been . . . well, just normal.’

  ‘I still think it would be a good idea to check the other two out. You thought Nat was genuine until about five minutes ago,’ she says, looking a bit worried.

  ‘How on earth am I going to do that?’ I ask. This is so much worse than I could have ever imagined.

  ‘We’ve got time to come up with something,’ says Doreen calmly.