The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness

by Laura Bambrey

  ‘Rowan, do you mind if I take your phone for ten minutes? I feel like I need to do this on my own.’

  ‘Sure,’ Rowan shrugs.

  ‘Thanks.’ I struggle up from the bench and Doreen goes to follow me.

  I smile at my friend. I know she’s worried, but right now I just need some time on my own to send these messages and grieve for this part of my life that has meant so much to me. ‘I’ll be back in a few minutes, Doreen. Just want to clear my head and get this right.’

  ‘Okay. We’ll be here if you need us,’ she replies, sitting back down.

  I walk away from the courtyard. As soon as I turn the corner and know for sure that the sympathetic gaze of the little group is no longer on my back, I relax a little bit.

  I wander for a while, then find myself heading towards the garden and the vegetable patch.

  When I get there, just the sight of the neat beds in the evening light calms my heart a little. This bit was real. No matter what’s happened since, the time I spent with Bay here in the garden was real.

  I sit down on the wooden railway sleepers and take a few deep breaths, staring around at the garden. Now it’s time to deal with something that isn’t real. I pull up the chat on Rowan’s phone and stare hard at it.

  I decide that I can only face doing this once, and as they’re bound to ask the same questions, I start a new room and invite just the two of them to join it. They both accept and are there within seconds.

  *

  I’m crying by the time I’ve finished explaining. Not because of having to tell them about what’s happened, nor their shocked, disbelieving and then angry responses, but because it feels like I’m killing something special. Something very dear and innocent.

  Both of them have asked what they can do to help, but I’ve told them that there really isn’t anything and that I’ll try to pop into this new chat to say hello when things settle down a bit. But in my heart, I know it can never be like it was before. For one thing, Nat won’t be there. I know she was fictional, but I feel like I’ve lost someone I love. And let’s face it, I’m never going to be able to trust the others in the same way again. I’m always going to triple-guess everything I post.

  As neither of them have seen it yet, I drop the link to Than’s article and then slip the phone into my pocket. I can’t bring myself to wait for their reactions.

  In a daze, I wipe my face on my sleeve, then stand and stretch. Time for that early night Ted suggested. I head back down to the courtyard and wave away offers of more tea.

  ‘Thanks for the phone. All done,’ I say, handing it back to Rowan.

  ‘What did they say?’ she asks curiously.

  ‘I think they’re in shock. They hadn’t seen the piece Than wrote, so I gave them that link too.’

  ‘Bet they were pissed off!’ says Rowan.

  ‘Yup. You could say that.’

  ‘You did the right thing,’ says Geoff.

  ‘I know. And now the other right thing is an early night. I’m shattered.’

  ‘Aren’t you going to wait to speak to them again after they’ve read it?’ asks Doreen, a look of surprise on her face.

  I shake my head. ‘I’ve told them everything they need to know.’

  ‘But . . . but don’t they want to help?’

  ‘Yes, but let’s face it, there’s nothing anyone can do.’

  ‘Go on, Tori,’ says Ted, taking pity on me, ‘head back to the yurt and get some rest. We’ll talk more tomorrow.’

  I nod gratefully.

  ‘We’ll walk you back, shall we?’ says Geoff.

  ‘Thanks, but I’m fine,’ I smile at him. ‘I’m going to go straight to bed, so I won’t be much company.’

  He continues to look worried, so I say, ‘Would you and Doreen perhaps swing by on your way down for breakfast tomorrow?’

  He smiles back at me. ‘Of course.’

  *

  I had thought getting back to the yurt would make me feel better, but I was wrong. When I unzip the flap, shuffle out of my boots and let myself in, I’m struck by how bloody quiet it is. And not in a good way.

  Before, when I popped back, nine times out of ten I’d be greeted by either Bay, Dennis or both. And even when they weren’t around, there was always the chance of them appearing at any moment. The space is still beautiful, but without those two, it no longer feels like home.

  The thought hits me in the stomach. Of course, this isn’t ‘home’ anyway. Very soon I’ll be back in my empty flat and, now that I don’t have the Warriors to gossip with, my even emptier life. This place was meant to help me work things out, not make them worse. Yes, I’ve figured out a lot, but right now I’d much prefer to return to my state of not-so-blissful ignorance.

  I throw my pyjamas on and sink onto my bed. Turning my back on Bay’s side of the yurt, I wrap myself in my blankets and close my eyes.

  I mustn’t think about Bay. I mustn’t think about Than.

  I just want to sleep.

  *

  ‘Give her a poke!’

  Rowan’s voice drifts into my dreams, and I feel myself surfacing. I don’t open my eyes straight away. I was having such a nice dream.

  ‘Don’t be mean,’ Doreen’s voice says softly. ‘Tori?’ she croons, sounding like she’s trying to wake a baby.

  ‘Wakey wakey!’ Rowan bellows. I’m pretty sure I hear a snort of laughter from Geoff.

  I smile into my pillow and open my eyes. ‘You lot should form a comedy act,’ I say, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.

  ‘Sorry, love, you weren’t awake when we stopped by before breakfast, so we brought some back up for you, but someone insisted on coming too,’ Doreen nods at Rowan.

  ‘Like I’m going to miss this!’ she says.

  I shake my head, throw my blankets off and swing my legs around to sit on the side of my bed.

  ‘We’ve got a surprise for you!’ Rowan announces, eyes sparkling.

  I look from her excited face to Geoff’s beaming one and then back to Doreen’s rather more worried expression.

  ‘What?’ I ask suspiciously.

  ‘Now don’t get mad—’ says Doreen.

  ‘Mad?’ I say faintly. I’m completely lost. What on earth are these three up to?

  ‘She’s READY!’ Rowan yells.

  To my amazement, the flap of the yurt flips open and two people enter. One woman I vaguely recognize, with her long blond hair in a side plait, and then there’s a middle-aged guy who has something of a Matt Lucas air about him.

  ‘Erm, hi?’ I say.

  ‘Tori, it’s us!’ says the man, watching the look of complete confusion on my face.

  I know that voice. Wait . . .

  ‘Hugh?!’ I gasp.

  Matt Lucas, who is obviously not Matt Lucas, nods, a huge grin on his face.

  ‘Which means . . .’ I continue.

  ‘Yep. That’s Sue!’ Rowan fills in for me eagerly.

  The blond woman is staring at me with tears in her eyes. I stand up slowly, staring from one to the other. Then, I have no idea how it happens, but we’re in a tangle of arms as the three of us hug each other so tightly that I swear there’s going to be at least one cracked rib by the time we’re done.

  When we eventually pull away from each other, we still don’t let go completely. Hugh has an arm around my shoulders and Sue is holding my hand.

  I beam at them in turn. ‘How? Why?’

  ‘That would be our fault,’ said Geoff from behind me.

  I twist around to look at him, still holding on to my friends. ‘I don’t understand.’

  ‘What’s new?’ laughs Rowan.

  ‘Oi!’ says Doreen sharply.

  ‘Tori doesn’t mind, do you?’ Rowan grins at me.

  I shake my head. Right now, I don’t think I mind anything much.

  Chapter 34

  Be Open, Be Honest, Be You

  ‘Shall I tell you a secret? You’re pretty great. Your story is important. When we have suffered loneliness, for whateve
r reason, it can be incredibly difficult to open up to other people again. But that, right there, is the path that leads through to the other side. Show the true you, share your wonderful self openly, and encourage others to do the same.’

  ©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com

  *

  ‘It was actually Geoff’s idea,’ says Doreen, after we’ve all trooped outside to sit on the wooden benches around the unlit fire pit.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Geoff looks uncharacteristically bashful. ‘I just thought it was such a shame that that idiot had made you wary of two people who are clearly so important to you.’

  ‘Yeah, so when I saw you’d left yourself logged in last night, I said maybe we should talk to them,’ says Rowan.

  ‘We were both frantic after reading that article,’ says Sue.

  I can’t get enough of her voice. It’s as though she’s bringing to life all the lines we’ve typed to each other over the years.

  ‘We tried to get you on group voice, we both sent you messages in the new room and privately, but you weren’t answering.’

  ‘Of course, once Rowan had spotted you’d left yourself logged in, we could see all of this,’ continues Doreen.

  ‘So I said,’ cuts in Rowan, ‘let’s message them and tell them you’re all right.’

  ‘And you just messaged them as me?’ I ask, surprised.

  ‘Course not. I asked Dad if it was okay first. He agreed. Well, of course, it came out under your name, but I told them straight away that it was me, and that you were okay-ish, and that we were looking after you and that you’d gone to bed.’

  Sue nods. ‘I just wanted to know that you were okay. I swear, if I’d had a shock like that, I don’t know what state I’d have been in. And it’s so scary to think that Nat – I mean this Nathan person – basically set out to meet you without you even knowing anything about it.’ She gives an exaggerated shudder. ‘Anyway, both of us wanted to do something. We wanted to come and be with you. Even if it was just for company while you dealt with the shock.’

  My heart feels like it’s slowly being pieced back together. All of these people doing all of this because they were worried about me. Because they care about me.

  ‘So Rowan asked them both to stay logged in and she’d see what she could do,’ says Doreen.

  ‘And Dad said to invite them here!’

  ‘And you just came?’ I ask, open-mouthed, staring between Sue and Hugh.

  ‘Well, I was relaying everything to my hubby as it was happening,’ says Sue. ‘He was so worried about you, and said that he’d look after the twins if there was any chance I could come and support you. There was one issue though – our car is in the garage so I had no transport.’

  ‘So I went and fetched her!’ laughs Hugh. ‘As soon as Rowan invited us, I started throwing things in a bag. Then when Sue said she could come too but had no transport, that was an easy fix; I just detoured to collect her on my way down. I stayed at Sue’s last night and then we set off mega-early this morning.’

  I shake my head trying to take it all in. Sue and Hugh are really here. They’ve spent hours driving here just because they knew how much I needed them.

  ‘I – I can’t believe you’d do that for me,’ I say. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Anytime,’ says Hugh matter-of-factly.

  ‘Now where’s this Bay character? I’m dying to meet him,’ says Sue.

  The change in the atmosphere is almost comical. Geoff busies himself with his shoelaces, Doreen pulls a tragic face as if someone has died and Rowan starts to fidget.

  ‘What did I say?’ says Sue, looking around at the others.

  I sigh. ‘Bay’s gone.’

  ‘Gone? What do you mean, “gone”?’

  ‘He had to rush off to London yesterday.’

  ‘That’s a shame, I’d like to meet the man that’s finally swept you off your feet.’ Hugh grins.

  ‘How long’s he gone for?’ Sue adds.

  ‘I’m not sure . . .’ I say.

  ‘Didn’t he tell you?’ says Sue in surprise.

  ‘He didn’t say anything, not even goodbye. He disappeared while Doreen and I were off on a walk.’

  ‘You’re kidding me!’ says Sue, eyes wide.

  ‘Nope. Just gathered up his dog and left.’

  ‘But why?’

  ‘Supposedly some kind of urgent work thing came up, but . . . well . . . I can’t help but think it’s more likely to do with this bloody article.’

  ‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ says Sue gently.

  ‘And Ted did say he was hoping to be back before the end of the course, didn’t he?’ says Geoff.

  ‘Apparently he’s going to try,’ I say, ‘but it’s not definite. His “urgent business” might keep him tied up.’

  ‘To be fair to Bay, it might,’ pipes up Rowan, looking a bit cross. ‘He is kinda famous you know.’

  ‘Famous?’ Sue says. ‘Tori, you didn’t tell us that.’

  ‘Because he’s not. Rowan’s having you on!’ I say.

  ‘Am not! He is . . . in the world of gardens anyway. And I know it’s crap he didn’t wait to talk to you before he went Tori, but he’s a good guy,’ she finishes, looking a bit uncomfortable.

  I watch Rowan as she stares at the ground and focuses on digging her heel into the mud. She’s right. Bay is a good guy. Here’s me, expecting him to take it on trust that I’m not the monster Than has made me out to be, while busily thinking the worst of him rather than trusting him. But after everything that’s happened, I’m not sure I’m up for giving anyone the benefit of the doubt right now.

  ‘So have you called him, Tori?’ asks Hugh.

  I shake my head.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘One, I don’t have his number. Two, I don’t have a phone. Three, I’m not really sure what I’d say.’

  ‘But hang on,’ says Hugh, ‘isn’t our Rowan here the queen of information?’

  Rowan looks up from her muddy boots and I can practically see her ego swelling with the knowledge that her reputation has reached beyond the boundaries of The Farm.

  ‘Exactly! Can’t you tell me where he’s gone? Or at least start with something simpler, like his full name?’

  Rowan’s jaw drops. ‘You’re not telling me you did whatever you did with him and you don’t even know his name?!’

  ‘We only kissed, thank you very much!’ I can feel myself going red, and the fact that both of the guys start to laugh isn’t helping.

  Rowan rolls her eyes. ‘Okay, I can give you his name, but it’ll cost you.’

  ‘It’ll have to be PayPal again,’ I sigh.

  ‘Don’t worry about that!’ says Hugh. He whips out his wallet and hands Rowan a ten-pound note. Her eyes go wide, but she quickly recovers.

  ‘Okay, that’s a start,’ she says with a shrug. ‘Bay’s surname is Anderson. He’s actually called Bailey Anderson, and his business is called . . .’

  ‘Anderson, Simpson and Green!’ squeals Sue.

  We all turn to stare at her.

  ‘What?’ she says. ‘Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of them! They do the gardens of the rich and the famous. I mean, Bailey Anderson’s practically royalty . . . he’s like a gardening god!’

  ‘But . . . but he’s just Bay!’ I say.

  Oh great, another person in my life who’s been busy pretending to be someone else.

  I can’t believe this. Is no one going to turn out to be who they say they are?

  ‘See!’ says Rowan, pointing at Sue. ‘That reaction is exactly why Bay prefers to keep a low profile when he’s here. Of course, plenty of people recognize him, but he does his best not to make a big deal out of it.’

  ‘Now we know his name, we don’t need Ted to find out his number,’ Hugh says as he whips out his own phone and within seconds has pulled up the Anderson, Simpson and Green website. It’s going to be that easy to call him. But now that I can, I’m not sure I want to.

  ‘Wait. I need food and I need to let
everything sink in a bit first. Anyway, it’s Sunday. If I’m going to call, I’m not going to be able to do it until tomorrow when their office is open.’

  *

  As it turns out, I needn’t have worried for a second about how the rest of the group were going to react to Than’s article. As they arrive to find Sue, Hugh and I setting the dinner table after a whole day spent together exploring the countryside around The Farm, I am engulfed by hugs and offers of support. They are all on my side, and all desperate to make sure I know it. Emma gushes about my writing, while Messa and Bob both offer to be there to talk any time I need them, day or night. Moth presents me with a beautiful knitted hairband in the hope that it might cheer me up, and even quiet Sam throws his arm around my shoulders and tells me how brave I am.

  Supper is a ridiculously happy affair, and for a while I’m able to forget everything that’s happened and just enjoy the amazing company. Ted and Lizzie are still celebrating being back at home with Rowan and the baby, and their joy overflows in their welcome to the new arrivals too.

  In among all their plotting and planning, Rowan, Doreen and Geoff have arranged for Hugh and Sue to stay in the yurt with me tonight. Ted tells me it’s the most practical option as the little settee pulls out into a bed. In my heart, though, I know they’ve planned this so that I don’t have to spend another night on my own, and I’m deeply grateful.

  We all help tidy up after the meal. Lizzie disappears off to bed early, and Ted follows soon after with strict instructions to Rowan not to stay up too late, which she roundly ignores. She’s actually pretty indignant when the rest of us decide to head back to our respective camps soon after, but, as I explain, she’s not missing out on anything as we’re all headed straight to bed anyway.

  By the time we’re all snuggled up in our beds – Hugh has taken Bay’s, and Sue’s on the sofa as she’s so tiny – my head is whirring again. So much has happened, I’m still trying to process it all. The issue that I keep coming back to, however, is Bay. Why did he leave without talking to me? Will he come back? Should I phone him?

  ‘You okay, Tori?’ asks Hugh.

  ‘I am thanks to you two,’ I sigh. ‘Thank you so much for being here with me.’