by S S Bazinet
Fifty-Five
PEGGY PUT A few dishes into the dishwasher and tidied up the kitchen. She was beginning to feel more like her old self. The aftereffects of her run in with a discarnate spirit named Col were waning. Arel had shared interesting thoughts on the matter, but she knew there was more to it. She was putting some ideas together when Tim walked into the kitchen. Sara was dozing in his arms.
“She fell asleep in the car when we were coming back from the park,” Tim whispered. “I’ll put her to bed for a little nap.”
Peggy came over, unzipped Sara’s winter jacket and carefully slipped it off. “I think she’s in another big growth spurt.”
Tim nodded as he headed out of the kitchen. “I’ll be right back.”
Peggy watched him leave and thought about how both her husband and her brother, Kevin, had acted as her two champions. They backed up her loud, brassy personality when she was a child. She’d imagined herself as tough, but she was beginning to understand herself a little better. All that mouth and toughness were there to mask an underlying feeling of vulnerability.
Tim returned while Peggy was giving Sara’s highchair a good wiping down. She smiled at him. “Thanks for taking Sara to the park.”
Tim went to the refrigerator and took out bread and a container of tuna salad. “The fresh air and running around after our little girl gave me an appetite. Can I fix you some lunch too?”
“No, thanks, I had something already.”
Tim glanced up from his sandwich making. “I’m glad your appetite is back.”
Peggy sat down at the table. “I’ve been thinking about why I’ve been such a wreck.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t dwell on all that.”
“I want to know why I was such a patsy and let myself be manipulated. Arel says it was because of the guilt I carried over from another lifetime, but—”
“But what?”
“It’s like I don’t have any control over my life. Even as a kid, I was always angry at the bullies, but I was this helpless, scrawny girl. Kevin had to fight my battles for me. I guess when it comes down to it, I don’t feel like I can stand up to the bad guys.”
Tim brought his sandwich over and sat down. “Do you want to know what I think? You’re very tuned into what others are feeling. That’s why you couldn’t stand seeing other people being pushed around.”
Peggy took a much needed breath. “Thanks.”
Tim squeezed her hand. “Forget the bullies for a while and begin appreciating who you are, Peg. Enjoy yourself for a change. For starters, go over and visit with Elise and Annabel.”
“But you and Kevin wanted to watch a game.”
“Kevin will understand. Now go.”
“I guess I can call and see if they’re busy.” Peggy got up and kissed Tim’s cheek. “You’re such a great husband.”
Tim smiled broadly. “A husband who’s in love with his beautiful wife.”
* * * * *
Arel was pulling into his driveway when he noticed Peggy. She was walking up the front sidewalk. When he waved to her, she approached the car. He rolled down his side window. “You’re looking well,” he said with a smile.
Peggy smiled back. “I’m on my way to help Elise and Annabel make cookies.”
“Did you know that Rolphe’s girlfriend is here too?”
“Yes, Elise mentioned that, but I’ve never gotten a chance to get acquainted with Rolphe or his girlfriend.”
“I forgot. So much has been happening.”
“How’s William doing? He must be delusional to throw Annabel over?”
“Actually, he’s been physically sick, but he doesn’t want her to know that. So, please, don’t say anything.”
“What’s wrong with him?”
“Besides his nerves being shot, I think he has an ulcer.”
“I’d say he should see a doctor, but I know how the two of you feel about that approach. Still, I wonder. Maybe I should check on him. When he was in bad shape that last time, he seemed somewhat comforted when Carol and I visited.”
“I just left him. I think he wants to be alone.”
“Are you two fighting again?”
Arel felt his face go red. “No, we’re not fighting. He’s just in one of his moods.”
“Where is he? Give me his address, and I’ll go check on him.”
Arel shook his head. “No, I don’t think that’s a good—”
“Arel, please, you don’t know what’s best for him. He made that clear the last time he wasn’t well.”
“That was a big misunderstanding.”
“Just give me his address. And if he doesn’t want to talk to me, at least I’ll know I tried to help. Besides, it will make me feel better knowing I can do more than be some sniffling, mental case. Please, Arel.”
Arel thought about how Col had attacked both Peggy and William. “You weren’t the only one who didn’t fare well at Col’s hands.”
“That’s right. You told me that William was attacked too. But it’s so hard to think that he had a problem. He’s so strong.”
“None of us is one hundred percent all the time. You’ve seen me looking pretty bad, Peggy.”
“Oh yes, you’re right about that. And you were so stubborn when I tried to be there for you.”
“Can we forget all that?”
“We can if you give me William’s whereabouts.”
“I better call and make sure he wants to see you.”
“No, let me surprise him.”
“What about Tim and Sara?”
“I’ll let Tim know I’m going to check on a friend, and he’ll be happy to take care of Sara. Oh, and tell Elise and Annabel that I’m sorry I can’t help with the cookies.”
* * * * *
Hearing a loud knock on the entrance door, William couldn’t believe that Arel was back again. The man who was so able to take out Col with no problem, could also be a total jerk. The guy’s ego was so all-consuming he’d turned William’s nightmare into a farce. “The big show-off.”
Pausing in front of the door, he tried not to upset his stomach with the anger that was building and making his entire body tense. “Go away, Arel! Let me rest in peace for two minutes!”
“William, it’s Peggy! Please, can I see you for a moment?”
William backed up. What was Arel’s neighbor doing at his door? Sure she was also a friend, sort of, but he couldn’t believe that Arel would give her his location. Didn’t Arel realize how close to the edge he was? His mind was a wasteland, and his stomach was burning like one of the trees in his nightmare.
Peggy called out again. “William, please open the door. I’m having a very hard time too.”
William remembered that Peggy had recently been one of Col’s victims. Maybe that’s why Arel gave her his address. Maybe Arel had botched things with Peggy too, and he needed William to sort things out. With an unsteady hand, he reached out to the locks and undid them. Gathering his strength, he opened the door a few inches. “Peggy, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll be much help considering—”
Before he could finish his sentence, Peggy burst into tears.
“Help me, William. I don’t know who I am anymore! I’m scared,” she cried as she reached for him.
What could he do but swing open the door and pull her into a comforting embrace. “It’s okay. You’re going to be okay, Peggy.”
His words didn’t seem to appease her.
“No, I’m not!” she said in a louder, more desperate voice.
* * * * *
William brought a mug over to the small dining table where Peggy was sitting. After he managed to calm her down, his suggestion to make her tea gave him a chance to calm himself.
Holding Peggy’s trembling body in his arms reminded him of the times he’d tried to comfort Annabel. It never seemed to do much good. His failure to help her get over her fears was a very sore point in their relationship. At least it was a sore point for him.
After he served Peggy her t
ea, she looked up at him with red eyes, but at least she’d stopped crying.
“I’m so embarrassed,” she said as she raised the cup to her lips. “I came here to see if I could help in some small way. But on the way over, I kept thinking about my little Sara. My baby needs a strong, confident mother, and I don’t think I’ll ever be that person.”
“I’m sure you’re wrong, but excuse me.” William needed to dodge Peggy’s desire to share her troubles. He went back to the kitchen hoping for a reprieve. The condo was furnished with kitchen ware and even had some staples like tea. He searched for napkins and a space to clear his mind. As he was rummaging in a small pantry, Peggy continued her litany of faults from the other room. Her voice had turned loud and insistent.
“My poor brother can tell you what a pain I’ve always been. Growing up with me as his little sister must have been hell.” She paused and was silent but only for a moment. “William, do you need some help?”
“No, I’ll be right there.” William snatched up some mismatched napkins that looked like they’d been left over from a child’s birthday party and walked back to the dining area. He handed Peggy one of them. “I’m sorry, but this will have to do.”
Peggy stared at the pink napkin. “Once upon a party,” she whispered.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t catch what you said.”
Peggy slid the napkin in his direction. “Look at the design. See the little girl riding the unicorn? She’s wearing a crown and has a magic wand. That’s how I wanted to see myself as a little girl. Instead, I was this brat with a big mouth.”
William rubbed his temples. “Peggy, stop it. I don’t want to hear another word about how terrible you were. Tim is always bragging about how lucky he is to have you in his life. And as for Kevin, he says you were bossy, but he also claims that he’s very proud of the way you went out of your way to help the unfortunate.”
“Really? They said that?”
William pulled out a chair and sat down. “Yes, they did.”
“But I don’t feel that way about myself, so it doesn’t help.”
“Maybe you’re just stubborn, like Arel. When we knew each other in our university days, he was always insisting on how deficient he was.”
“That’s ridiculous. Arel is wonderful”
William glared back. “Whatever. The point is that I could never convince him to stop being so negative. If it weren’t for me, he’d have drowned himself before he graduated.”
“Really? My goodness, William, I’m so grateful that you were there for him.”
“A lot of good it did me. He resented me for years. Fortunately, I didn’t let it bother me. Of course, I was much tougher in those days.”
“What are you talking about? Remember when you were laying in that bed in Arel’s lower level? As sick as you were, you were able to help Carol. You changed her life too. She went from being plagued with self-doubt to being so capable that Kevin didn’t know what happened. It took a while for him to adjust.” She paused again and twisted a button on her sweater. “Maybe that’s the real reason I’m here. I wish you could help me too.”
William rubbed his stomach, trying to ease a sharp, stabbing pain. “How can I help you when I can’t help myself?”
Peggy got up and rounded the table. Taking hold of one of William’s arms, she tugged on it. “Come on, let’s get you to bed. It’s obvious that you’re worn to a frazzle.”
William stood up. “You’re right about that. With the nightmares I’m having—”
“Nightmares? Kevin had them too, but we worked together to get past the darn things.”
William allowed Peggy to lead him towards the bedroom. After Arel’s careless ministrations, he prized a softer approach. “What did you do?”
“I mostly offered soothing suggestions so he could relax. After that, I helped him to visualize whatever he wanted until he fell asleep.”
“And his nightmares stopped?”
“Yes, and I could do the same thing for you.”
“I don’t know if that would work—”
“Now who’s being stubborn?”
“You’re right. That’s Arel’s problem, not mine.”
Peggy giggled. “I won’t tell him you said that.”
When they got to the master bedroom, Peggy threw back the covers with a burst of enthusiasm. Her mood seemed lighter as she stood back and watched William climb in.
William glanced up at her. “You need to stop worrying about being a great mom. Your nurturing skills are very apparent,” he said as he made himself comfortable in bed.
Peggy sat down in a nearby chair. “Thanks, in the past, when I tried to help Arel, he made me feel like a busy-body.”
“Arel can be very annoying.”
“But he means well.”
William let his eyelids droop a little. “I thought he was maturing, but he can behave like an excited child, one who’s unpredictable.”
“But I think you two really care about each other.”
“Yes, a fact that remains a mystery to my exhausted mind,” he groaned.
Peggy settled into the upholstered chair and laid her head back. “Tim suggested that I needed to appreciate myself.”
“Tim is a wise man. As I see it, you were just a little girl yet you tried to protect others.”
“No, I used Kevin to do it for me.”
“Did Kevin care about what happened to the weak kids?”
“He only cared about sports. Nothing else existed in his world. But I see what you’re saying. I guess I was much more aware than my brother.” Peggy sucked in a breath. “How about you, William? Did you care about anything as a child?”
William let out a sigh of contempt. “Nothing I cared about mattered.”
“What do you mean?”
“My father ruled his little kingdom with a hand that only knew how to take what he wanted.”
“But what did you care about? Were you like me? Did you hate the bullies?”
“I hated my father, but it didn’t do any good. I couldn’t protect anything, not one single fox in the field or bird in the air.”
“Things you loved.”
“Yes, loving anything outside of greed and cruelty was forbidden. My father made that clear. I had to forsake my childish ways, or he’d burn everything I loved to the ground.”
“Oh my goodness, what a childhood you had. You had to give up your feelings, even your heart. William, you sacrificed yourself to save the things that were helpless to save themselves.”
“In my nightmare, it’s like my father’s threat came true.”
“How so?”
“Everything around me was burning because I wasn’t strong enough to stop it from happening. Afterwards, I realized I haven’t felt that devastated in a long time.”
“Maybe you were letting yourself feel again and mourn what was taken from you.”
William blinked a couple of times at the thought. Could Peggy be right? “Arel has always accused me of being cold.”
“I don’t think of you that way. Look at how you were feeling so poorly and yet you took me in. I guess I was like some wounded bird you looked after as a boy.”
William smiled. “Yes, there were a few of those.”
“But I don’t want to be wounded. I want to feel like I can stand up to a bully like Col.”
“Fighting doesn’t work. I tried it, and Col took me out.”
“In my case, he used guilt. I’m sure you’re aware of my past lifetime with Arel. I feel responsible for his death. If I hadn’t given the men torturing me his name—”
“But was it really your fault? You called out for help when you were being torn apart like one of the foxes my father hunted. You were no more to blame than that innocent creature screaming in pain.”
“Great, that means I’m like that poor animal, at the mercy of that beast, Col.”
“But Peggy, Col could only hurt you by using your memories and your self-blame.”
“Yes, and all th
at suffering didn’t change anything. It only put a terrible strain on Tim. Plus, everyone was so worried about me.”
“Let it go, Peggy. That’s my advice.”
“You’re right. But I do have a question. Why didn’t fighting Col work?”
“I don’t know. I was so angry, but somehow I let him get the better of me.”
“Like your father?”
Before William answered, Peggy’s phone sounded. She looked at it and frowned. “It’s a text from Tim. I better get back home. Sara is probably having one of those temper tantrums. The books were right about the ‘terrible twos’.”
William started to get out of bed, but Peggy issued clear orders as she came over and pushed him back down. “Stay put and rest. I’ll let myself out and make sure the door is locked behind me.” She kissed his cheek. “Thank you for listening to me and being so understanding.”
“And thank you for your thoughts about my dream.”
“Anytime,” Peggy said as she started to leave.
William couldn’t believe it. He was reluctant to see her go. He even called after her. “Drive safely and stay off your case, Peggy.”
Fifty-Six
AREL STOOD AT the living room window inhaling the aroma of freshly baked cookies. Elise and Annabel had made several varieties. Everything about their easy bouts of laughter should have made him feel better. But he kept thinking about William. Would William ever sound happy again?
He turned away from the window just as Rolphe came walking into the living room. “How’s Myra?”
Rolphe nodded. “She’s doing better. We talked about things I’d avoided before. I didn’t tell her everything, but maybe in the future, I’ll be as brave as you.”
“It’s easy to see that you care about each other.”
Rolphe averted his eyes. “I’ve made some blunders with Myra, but I do love her.” Rolphe sat down on the sofa. “How did it go with William?”
Arel felt his brows furrow. “Something always seems to go wrong when I’m around him. And you know William, he can be very unforgiving.”
Rolphe returned a shy smile. “Yes, I know how that is.”
Arel was reminded of the times he’d been very hard on Rolphe. He’d been the one who wasn’t forgiving. “I’m sorry that I haven’t always been the friend you’ve needed.”