by Laura Winter
Nate looked at me, confused. “Why do you hide them?”
“So no one can ready my stories,” I said, opening up the children’s book he was holding. I flipped through the pages for him, knowing he was still confused as to why I was giving him a children’s book to read. I had to prove I wasn’t crazy.
I finally got to the page that was just a picture. Well, it had been just a picture until I had written all over it. I handed him the nub of a pencil I had stolen from the nurse. She thought I was acting out to find the voices but really I just needed to create a distraction to find something to write with.
“What are you writing?” Nate asked, not looking at the pages. Instead, he was studying me. I pointed back to the page to get him to focus.
“If I can remember what the voices were saying to me, maybe I won’t need them to protect me anymore. They didn’t want to leave me because there was someone out there who could help me and replace them. Since I don’t have them anymore, I need to find this person. If I can find them, they can fill the hole in my head. They can be my friend,” I said, sitting back on my heels.
Nate watched me, sadness clouding those beautiful green eyes. What was it about them that I found so fascinating? He raised his eyebrow, waiting for something.
“What?” I asked.
“I asked what the voices were protecting you from. Or what this person could do to help, but you didn’t hear me,” he said, realizing that my distraction came from looking at him.
I felt my face get warm so I lowered my head. “My dad and boyfriend want to steal my brain things.”
I froze as the words came out of my mouth. ‘Brain things’? I didn’t want to say that. I wanted to say powers. I wanted to say mind reading abilities. I wanted to say telekinesis. I stopped after repeating the words for a third time. My mouth refused to work right. “Forget it. The poison won’t let me say the right things anymore.”
I started to curl into a ball again. This was no use. Nate was going to think I was crazy. Even if I had said powers and mind reading and telekinesis, he would have thought I was bonkers. Maybe ‘brain things’ made me sound less crazy than saying I had powers. But I knew what I was trying to say, even if no one else believed me.
“Hey,” Nate said, his voice gentle as he leaned forward. He was still careful not to get too close, worried that the monkeys might see him. “It’s okay, I believe you.”
I looked up into his face and frowned. “No you don’t. Your brain is betraying your face. Your words can’t hide your lie.”
He scrunched his face. “You’re right. My brain often betrays me, so that’s why I usually listen to my heart.” He paused. “Your boyfriend… is that Aidan?”
I looked up, chewing the inside of my cheek. “Yes. I don’t really like him. I was using him for something, I think, but I can’t remember what. Does that make me a bad person?”
Nate shook his head. “If you think he was going to hurt you, no, I don’t think you’re a bad person. You were protecting yourself.” He looked down at the book and frowned. “Wait, I thought you said you were writing about the voices?”
“I am,” I replied, looking over.
“Did you give me the wrong book? These are song lyrics,” he chuckled. “It’s a song by Mating Ritual. Splitting in Two.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know that band. I know a lot of music.” I pulled the book out of his hands to read over it. I didn’t recognize any of the words, or remember writing them. It was all fuzzy, but that’s what happened to my thoughts before they put poisons in my neck.
“They’re one of my favorite bands,” he said, pointing to the words. “A lot of these lyrics seem to fit what you’re going through right now, like dying in your dreams and feeling like you’ve lost someone you were connected to.”
I slammed the book shut and growled. “I told you, I’ve never heard of them or that song. My brain doesn’t betray me. It’s the only thing I have left.”
I sat back and rocked back and forth on my knees. Nate seemed mesmerized by my movements as I continued to shift. His eyes locked onto mine, for some strange reason interested in what I was doing.
“Do you do that a lot?” he asked.
“Let my brain betray me? No, but the people here seem to think so. That’s why they won’t let me leave,” I said, biting at my lip.
“No,” he said, his eyes softening. “The rocking.”
“I don’t know. Yes? Maybe? I don’t notice it, why?” I narrowed my eyes, trying to read his mind. I wanted to know so badly what he was thinking right now. Why was he so interested in me?
“It’s just… never mind,” he sighed, his hand rubbing the back of his neck.
“You have a headache,” I said, pushing the books away from us. “Don’t read if it gives you headaches.”
“Do you get headaches from reading?” he asked, still running his hand along the back of his neck.
I wanted to reach out and touch his fingers, to put my hand around his neck and pull him close. To pull him into my lips. God, I wanted to kiss him. He looked so… warm.
I shook my head, confused as to how and why that thought ran across my mind. I shoved my palms into my eyes. Why was I thinking that?
“I used to get headaches a lot,” I said. “They got taken with the voices, but I don’t miss that pain.”
I looked back up at Nate, and this time I thought I almost felt something coming off him. It was almost like an energy…
He just shrugged. “Are you sure it wasn’t the voices causing your headaches? Maybe you shouldn’t keep trying to get them back.”
“I just want to be safe,” I sighed, dropping back to pull my knees into my chest. I rested my chin on top, feeling the weight of my head. This was more talking to someone else than I had done in a while.
“But you said there was someone out there who could replace the voices. You were looking for a friend,” Nate matched my position as best he could, pulling his knees up so he could rest his head. Maybe he was tired of talking to me.
“I want a friend to fill the hole in my head. It’s so empty and lonely and scary,” I sighed.
My breath caused a piece of purple hair to fall in front of my face. I was about to reach up and pull it out when Nate reached forward and tucked it behind my ear. I felt something buzz through my body under his fingers, just barely as he grazed my forehead and ear. It ran down my neck and through my left arm. I watched, stunned, as he realized he broke the no touching rule. But wait, he wasn’t reacting to that. He flexed his fingers. Did he feel that buzz too?
He wrapped his hands back around his knees just as quickly as he had touched me. He didn’t feel it, but he still smiled at me. “Well, I won’t tell your boyfriend if you want to be friends with me. Maybe I can help you?”
I smiled back, but before I could answer him, I was interrupted.
“Shower, come on,” the nurse snapped, glaring down at me. The big monkey was standing close behind her in case I tried to fight back, which I often did.
I turned back to Nate. “I want to be your friend too, but please don’t hold this against me. I’m not crazy, I just don’t like when they pull my hair.”
He looked confused as I jumped up, looking for an exit route. The nurse groaned and slid out of the way as big monkey reached out to grip my arm. He yanked me up and tossed me over his shoulder, which was exactly what I wanted. I reached down and pulled a shiny new pen out of monkey’s back pocket. I flipped it toward Nate who caught it and shoved it behind the bookcase before anyone noticed. I winked at him while he just stared in awe as I was carried off.
36
Nate
They came to get me shortly after the big monkey had carried Finnley off to shower. I was thankful for the chance to clean up, especially after spending the morning in the sweaty set I had slept in. It was unsettling as one of the monkeys watched me undress, his eyes locked on me as I stuck my hand in the freezing water. Great, this would be quick.
At least
I’d be able to get into a clean set of clothes. I’d be able to refresh and get my mind straightened out. I took a deep breath before jumping in the freezing water, but I felt something strange as the water rushed over me. It didn’t bother me because I had done this before.
I sat in an unfamiliar bathtub, water from the shower rolling over me and… Finnley. Here she was again, clutching me tight as my arms pulled her in closer. Our clothes were soaking, but I didn’t let her move her head away from my chest. Her purple hair was stuck to her face and back as she finally took a deep breath.
“I’m so sorry, Nate.”
“Why are you sorry?” I still wasn’t in control of my movements or voice, so I just decided to let it all play out.
“I don’t know what happened. Everything they said was a lie, but for some reason I believed them. How is that possible?”
I felt my hand lift and hold her cheek. “Whatever Aidan did was making you believe them. I don’t know what that power was, but I could see it in the air.”
Wait, I knew Aidan? Finnley’s boyfriend? Why was I kissing Finnley when she still had a boyfriend? And why were these the most pressing questions in my mind? I literally just said that Aidan had powers to make Finnley believe something that wasn’t true. Powers?
“But it didn’t affect you?” Her voice was gentle as she spoke into my chest.
“No… I don’t know why, but it didn’t.”
I wanted to keep hearing that conversation, but suddenly she was pressing into my shoulder and I felt a sharp pain down my arm.
“Oh my god, what happened?” She pulled her hand away from my shoulder, red blood staining her palm.
“I’m fine. I just got it when I threw us out of the shadows back there. It’s not a big deal.”
Wait, did I just say shadows? What the hell was that supposed to mean? First Aidan had these powers to mess with Finnley’s thoughts, now I say something about shadows? I felt like I was skipping serious parts of the conversation. This was too confusing, especially because I had no control over the changing visions. Though I didn’t hate the next one.
I was kissing Finnley again. It felt strong and I couldn’t keep from pulling her in tighter. A brief thought crossed my mind. It was mine, but at the same time it belonged to the vision. I hadn’t kissed her in a long time, and this felt amazing. I didn’t want to let go even as she pulled away.
“Did I do something wrong? What is it?” Finnley looked at me, worried.
“So that guy said he was your boyfriend…” Aidan? So they were dating? I was missing huge chunks of information as Finnley was back to kissing me.
“You don’t have to worry, Nate. Everything he said was a lie. Even if I can’t remember who he was, he’s not my type.”
“Your type isn’t tall, muscular guys who look like they are Olympic athletes?”
She rolled her eyes just slightly. “Nate, you’re my type. Do you have a type I should look out for?”
“You’ve read my mind before and you know damn well what Glitch always thinks when he sees us.”
I finally pulled out of my trance as the water shut off. I stood there, dripping, as I tried to figure out what I had just seen. Powers. Aidan had them, I had them, and Finnley had them. How was that possible? It seemed absolutely crazy, but at the same time, I felt like I already knew that. Maybe this was why I was here? I was having these weird dreams and visions about a crazy girl and thought we had powers.
But was she crazy? What had she said earlier… brain things. Was she talking about reading minds?
No, that was nuts. I didn’t know her. Powers weren’t a thing. She was on my mind, that’s all. Everything she was saying was getting brought up. Being locked in here was traumatic, so I was getting these weird dreams related to everything she talked about.
I couldn’t really deny that she was cute though.
Yikes, Glitch would have had a field day with that one. What would he think of me being in here right now? Did he even know I was here? He’d know something was up if I just randomly disappeared. I wonder if he’d come see me in here. Did they have visitation things?
I dried off and dressed myself under the watchful eye of the monkey, trying to ignore all the questions that kept popping up in my head. A new monkey pushed past me, dragging Skinny behind him as I traded places. I turned back around to walk out and nearly knocked Madeline over.
“Hi there,” she said, smiling wide as her hair soaked the collar of her shirt.
“You’re really sneaky, you know that?” I was kind of fascinated by this little girl. No wonder Finnley said everyone liked her. I could see why, though I couldn’t understand how a five-year-old could be in a place like this.
“You’re remembering, aren’t you?” she asked, looking up at me with her hazel eyes, blinking as she watched my face react.
“What? Remembering?”
She smiled, happy her with her deduction. “As Finnley likes to say, your brain betrays your face. You should follow your advice and listen to your heart.”
Madeline turned and waited for me to walk with her. I had to shorten my strides to make sure I didn’t walk too fast. “What do you mean remembering? How do you know I’ve been seeing things?”
“You’re remembering Finnley. You—” She stopped talking as we passed an open door. Monkeys were inside, but they didn’t seem too worried about us. “You see things that happened with her. From a past this place stole from you. It’s because you’re special.”
“Special? You’re talking about powers? No, I’m going crazy. I really do belong here,” I said, pressing my hands to my head.
With surprising strength, Madeline gripped my shirt and pulled me into a supply closet. She looked straight up at me as she pressed me against a shelf.
“Nate, these cuffs make it impossible to talk about powers, let alone say that word. They mess with our heads. No one else can do it, but you’re special like me. Eventually, you’ll remember everything they stole from you. Powers don’t work on us like they do on others.”
I stared down at this five-year-old who suddenly started acting like an adult. I shook my head. “You’re saying I knew Finnley before this? That we have powers, and I’m not really crazy?” I felt crazy right about now, listening to a five-year-old who was in a crazy house tell me that powers existed.
“You knew her. Do you not know you have the same color eyes? You can’t let anyone—”
I cut her off. “The same color eyes? Mine are green, and hers are blue.”
“Not if you look hard enough,” Madeline said before returning to her last thought. “You can’t let anyone know these memories are coming back.”
I tapped my foot, impatient. I needed answers, not more questions. “Madeline, I don’t know what’s going on. How do I know Finnley? Who is she to me?”
Madeline went to run our the door, but I caught her arm. She frowned. “You should look at her left hand some time. But Nate? She’s not like us.”
“What does that mean?”
Madeline’s face sunk into sadness as she looked away from me. “Finnley’s not going to get her memory back. She’s like Skinny.” Finally, she looked up. “Block your brain from the doctor.”
She spun and ran out of the room, suddenly chipper again as she skipped down the hallway. Was she putting on a show like she really was crazy or was this just what a five-year-old did when they had actually lost their mind?
I walked back into the common room and sat back down in the corner to wait for Finnley. If I was remembering Finnley, how did we end up here? These cuffs wouldn’t let her talk about her powers. That’s why she was saying ‘brain things’. I thought she was just spewing crazy words, but maybe she was trying. But Madeline said she wouldn’t remember like we did.
Skinny came shuffling back in, hurrying back to his spot on the couch. He sank back into his space, relaxing into the cushions like he was terrified of ever leaving again. That’s what was going to happen to Finnley. The more she acted out, the m
ore they were going to pump her full of poison. Eventually, she wouldn’t be able to function and she’d join Skinny on the couch.
A man in a doctor’s outfit stood in front of me and blocked my view of the door. I tried to lean around him to keep watching, but he moved again.
“Looking for someone?”
“I’m waiting for my friend,” I said, pulling my knees into my chest. Madeline put on a show of crazy, so I had to do my best too. I figured I could just act like Finnley since I didn’t really want to bounce around like a five-year-old.