by Laura Winter
He smiled and lowered his voice. “It’s okay, I don’t work for anyone. I’m Nate, by the way. Maybe I can help you find what they took from you…?”
“Finnley,” I said looking around. I could still feel everyone looking at me, even though their eyes were looking elsewhere. But no one had come for me yet, so maybe they weren’t really watching or listening. I locked eyes with the boy again. They were so pretty. I swear I knew them. I shook out of my trance. “Promise you can keep my secret?” He smiled and nodded. “They stole the voices out of my head. The voices were protecting me, and I need them back. It’s so lonely in my head without them. Can you help me find my voices?”
Nate’s smile faded as he stiffened and stood up away from me. “I shouldn’t be in here,” he said, shaking. He looked around frantically.
“Quiet, you’ll give away my hiding space!” I ignored the no touching rule and tried to reach out to pull Nate down.
He jumped away. “Don’t touch me!” he shouted, fear written all over his face.
I felt my heart sink and the tears build in my eyes. I thought I could trust him but he was terrified of me. Just like everyone else. I curled into a ball and started sobbing.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I cried, pounding at my head. I needed the voices to come back. I needed them to help me. “Don’t tell my dad where I am. Don’t tell Aidan. I don’t need more people mad at me. Please just give me the voices back.”
Two hands pulled my arms away from my head to keep me from hitting myself. Through the blurring tears, I saw Nate kneeling in front of me.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I shouldn’t be here, I’m not like…” he paused, realizing where that sentence was going. I pushed him away and stood up, my fists curled.
“You aren’t like me? You aren’t crazy?” I shouted. “You think I’m nuts, but I’m not. I was brilliant. I was smarter than everyone else. No one knew the things I had to go through just to stay alive. They tried to kill me, but now these people fill me with poison to make my brain mush and make me sleep. I die over and over, every night in my head, but no one cares. No one believes you can really die in your head.”
Nate’s eyes got wide as I felt something grip into my upper arm. I couldn’t spin around in time as I felt the prick into my neck. My legs stopped working as I slid down the big monkey’s leg and rested at his feet. I couldn’t function enough to warn Nate as another monkey stuck him too.
“Wait, I didn’t do anyth…” Nate slumped forward, his mouth no longer working.
“I don’t want to die,” I felt the last words drool out of my mouth as Nate disappeared into blackness.
34
Nate
I was in my room, leaning against my bed and listening to music. Someone was leaning into my shoulder, asleep, so I was afraid to move. I didn’t recognize the music, but at the same time, it felt familiar. I tried to look down to see who’s head was resting on me. It was a girl, her arm wrapped around my elbow with her fingers stuck through mine. Her touch was cold in my hand. Oh my god, was she dead? No, I could feel a soft pulse through her wrist and a breath of hot air against my upper arm.
The music was interrupted by an alarm. She groaned and let go of my hand as I tried not to move. I didn’t have a girlfriend… who was holding my hand? As she pushed forward to turn off the alarm, I recognized the purple hair.
“Finnley?”
She didn’t respond to me. Instead, she turned and searched my eyes. “What did you think? My favorite song is Honey and Milk.”
I felt my lips curl into a smile, but I wasn’t making myself smile. “I loved it.” The words left my mouth, but I hadn’t said them.
“You’re going to have to make me a playlist one of these days,” Finnley said, shuffling things around in a messy bag before looking up at me again, rocking back and forth on her knees. Why was Finnley in my bedroom?
“You’re the one with the new music all the time. I don’t think I’ll have anything you haven’t already heard.” Once again, I had said the words without meaning to. That’s not what I wanted to say. What was happening?
“That’s not the point, though. It’s about making something that you enjoy, something that speaks to you and makes you feel whatever emotion you want it to make you feel.”
Finnley pulled at the sleeves of her sweatshirt, her blue eyes sparkling. Wait, my sweatshirt. Why was a girl I didn’t know wearing my sweatshirt?
“Okay, I’ll make you one for Monday.”
I was annoyed at myself for talking about music when I should have been asking why Finnley was wearing my clothes and sitting in my bedroom when I had just met her yesterday.
Suddenly, she pressed forward and pulled me into her kiss. I didn’t fight it. In fact, I felt my heart pick up. I was happy. Even the chill of her lips couldn’t hide the warmth I felt rushing through my body.
Finnley pulled away before I wanted her to. How could I feel something so powerful in a kiss when I didn’t even know who she was?
I shot up as a metal tray clanged on the table next to me. I looked around, disoriented from being woken up in the middle of a dream, and tried to focus. White padded walls all around me, scratchy sheets, and sweaty clothes. I thought one day I’d wake up and find out it was all a weird dream, but this was reality. I really had been admitted into a mental institution, and I still had no idea why.
“Swallow these,” the nurse said, holding out a cup before I knew what she was giving me. I took it out of her hand and looked at the pills sitting at the bottom of the cup.
“I thought I was going to see the doctor. Why do I have to take these still?” I went to hand it back to her, but she didn’t like that very much. She glared down at me.
“After you upset one of the other patients last week, the doctor determined this course of treatment for a while. You can see him in a month.” She shoved a water cup into my other hand. “Now swallow them or I’ll get someone to force them down your throat. Finnley seems to prefer that method most days.”
That girl was popular for the wrong reasons in here. But who was she? Why was I dreaming she was in my room and wearing my sweatshirt?
The nurse cleared her throat, about to call for help, so I tossed the pills back and swallowed. She seemed satisfied after checking my mouth to see if I had them hidden under my tongue. She picked up the metal tray full of pills and water and left my room, but left the door open.
“Hello? Can I leave?” I asked. Someone had usually escorted me out, or at least I thought they did… everything from the last week felt like a fog and I wasn’t sure what was reality and what was a dream anymore.
No one answered me so I got up and poked my head out the door. A few of the monkeys, as Finnley had called them, were helping other patients walk down the hall. I followed slowly, looking in each room as I passed. Some of them were empty while some had people just lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. I breathed out. I didn’t belong here. I have no idea why my parents would send me to a place like this. Nothing made sense and after a week, I still didn’t have the right answers.
I walked by another empty room and saw bindings around the bed. Oh my god, they were tying people down when they slept? How had I not noticed that before? This place could not have been legal. I needed to get out.
I was about to turn around and go back to my room when I saw the nurse and a monkey walk into the next room. The nurse was only holding a cup with pills, but didn’t have water. I figured the monkey was needed to force the medicine down someone’s throat. Then I heard the cry.
It was familiar from the other day when Finnley had rolled into a ball. I hadn’t meant to upset her, but I wasn’t exactly well-versed in using the right language around mental patients. She was crazy, absolutely insane, and truly deserved to be in here. But I didn’t. I wasn’t like her. She thought these people stole the voices in her head, of course she was psycho, but I guess people who were really crazy didn’t actually think they were.
&n
bsp; Wait, was that what was happening to me? No, it couldn’t be. I didn’t have voices in my head, and there was nothing from my past that would certify me as crazy.
I poked my head around the doorway just as the monkey finished forcing the medicine down Finnley’s throat. Her cheeks were stained with tears as she dropped back to the bed. There wasn’t much chance for her to fight back with her arms and legs spread, tied to keep her from lashing out at them.
My heart burned in my chest as I watched her lay limp, letting the monkey and nurse untie her. But it was more than just feeling bad for her. Something was eating at me. I had dreamed of her wearing my old sweatshirt. I hated that thing, and I had only left it in my school locker for emergencies. It was torn and stained and should never have left the back of my locker. So why was she wearing it? And why did she look absolutely perfect in it?
Great. I was crushing on a girl from an insane asylum. I rushed past the door before anyone could see me watching them. The rest of the people had gathered in the cafeteria. Most of them were eating breakfast, even though they looked completely out of it. Not much of the oatmeal was making it into Skinny’s mouth since he refused to close and swallow. I shuddered at the thought of becoming like that.
“Hi there.” A small, brown haired girl slid in front of me, jumping up off the ground so her face was even with my chest every time she bounced.
“Mads, right?” I asked, watching her bounce. How could she possibly have this much energy in a place like this? Her smile faded.
“Only Finnley can call me that. I’m Madeline. You’re Nate.” She continued to bounce, her voice fluctuating each time she pushed off the ground.
“Sorry, Madeline,” I corrected, raising my eyebrow. “How do you know my name?”
“Finnley screams it in her sleep.” Madeline stopped bouncing and looked up at me, her eyes wide with curiosity. “You think she’s cute.”
I felt my face get hot. She chuckled but suddenly turned serious. “She’s not crazy, you know. Most of us are, but she isn’t. She just needs help.”
“So, you’re crazy?” I asked, picking up a tray to wait in line for food.
“Duh, that’s why I’m here,” she said, shrugging. “But she shouldn’t be. And neither should you.”
Madeline spun on her heels and skipped away, dodging the grasp of a monkey who tried to keep her from jumping over a table. Okay, so a crazy person didn’t think I should be here. That wasn’t comforting. I shuffled forward with the crowd, sticking out my tray to accept a disgusting scoop of oatmeal. No sugar, no flavor, just soggy oats.
I turned around to find a place to sit but every open seat looked even more unappealing than the oatmeal. Purple caught my eye as I spotted Finnley sitting alone in the back. I was surprised Madeline wasn’t there with her. Finnley seemed like the least annoying table partner, even if she was the reason I got stuck with a needle. Besides, I hadn’t seen her in a few days and probably needed to apologize. I walked up and stood next to the table, waiting for her to notice me. She didn’t acknowledge my presence, still holding her knees to her chest as she stared out into nothingness.
“Hi Finnley, can I sit?” I tried to be gentle with my voice but she still jumped. She looked bored as she glanced up with dull blue eyes, swollen from crying, before setting her chin back on her knees.
“I thought you didn’t want to be around people like me,” she grumbled, wrapping her arms around her legs even tighter. She squeezed her eyes shut, shoving them into her knees as she wiped away the remnants of tears.
I set my tray down and sat anyway. “I’m sorry about the other day, I was just a little overwhelmed,” I said, frowning.
“You don’t want to sit with me. No one sits with me because no one likes me. Go sit with Mads. Everyone likes her.”
Finnley scratched furiously at her wrist where the cuff was still cutting into her. The red blood was dried around her wrist and had dripped down into her palm. Why hadn’t anyone here cleaned that or given her the chance to clean it herself?
“Well Madeline is, what, seven? Of course everyone likes her,” I shrugged.
“I’m five,” Madeline shouted as she poked her head around Skinny.
I jumped and stared at the little girl across the room. “How did she hear me from over there?” I looked back at Finnley who still didn’t move from her spot.
“She’s a bat,” she sighed, digging her chin harder into her knees.
“Well, I’d rather sit with someone my age,” I said, nodding toward the empty space in front of her. “Why aren’t you eating?” There wasn’t a tray in front of her seat, and since I had gotten in here before her, there was no way she had already eaten.
“I don’t eat. They poison my food,” she said, her foot slipping off the chair. Her shin banged against the table, and quite loudly, but she didn’t seem to notice. How had that not hurt? She slid both her legs down to the ground and rested her chin on the table instead.
“Here, I’ll check mine first,” I said, taking a bite of oatmeal. I did my best not to gag, hiding my face from Finnley. It tasted gross, but it was edible. I looked up to see her watching me, curious. “See, not poisoned. You eat this one and I’ll go get another.”
I didn’t wait for her to say anything as I got up and walked back through the line. The lady serving the food looked at me suspiciously.
“I’m sorry,” I said, frowning. “I just gave mine to Finnley so she would eat. I figured you guys would be okay with that.” I wouldn’t be that upset if they didn’t give me another bowl of that disgusting mess, but I was actually a little hungry.
“You got her to eat?” the woman asked, her green eyes sparkling as she looked out into the room. I figured everyone here was just mean and rude to the patients, so I was surprised there was a hint of concern in her gaze.
“Yeah, at least I think I did.” I turned back around. Finnley hadn’t touched the food, but had at least sat up straighter at the table. When I looked back, the woman dumped another scoop of oatmeal onto my new tray. She quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching.
“Give me your hand,” she whispered, barely audible and rushed.
“What?”
“Give me your hand,” she said again, forceful but still quiet.
I hesitantly reached forward as the woman placed two sugar packets in my palm. I looked up at her, confused, but the sparkle was gone from her eyes.
“I know this food sucks. Blame the cook, not the server,” she said, frowning. I could have sworn I saw a sad smile creep over her face but I was too concerned with hiding the sugar. I hurried back to the table.
“You haven’t eaten yet,” I said, looking at Finnley as I slid into my seat. She had watched me walk all the way back to the table, not touching her food.
She looked at me like I should have known what she was doing. “I was waiting for you.”
I paused, surprised by her kindness, before remembering the sugar. “Oh, I got us something extra.”
I reached under the table and found her hand. It wasn’t cold like in my dream, so maybe it wasn’t anything important. Her fingers found the sugar packet, and when she realized what it was, her face lit up in a smile.
Now my heart really burned. Her smile was beautiful, but I could see it was hiding pain. She felt so trapped here, and truly believed she didn’t belong. Even if Madeline said she didn’t actually deserve to be in here, everything I had learned my first day proved just how crazy Finnley actually was. She wanted to get voices back in her head. Why would anyone want that? But no one deserved to be this frightened.
I watched her rip the sugar packet open and sprinkle it on her oatmeal before hiding the evidence in her shoe. She waited for me to do the same before she started eating. I couldn’t help but stare as she used her plastic spoon to get the last of the food from the bowl.
The pang in my chest was more than just feeling sorry for Finnley. Madeline was right, I did think she was cute. I really was crushing on a certifiably in
sane, purple-haired girl.
35
Finnley
Nate followed me as I went into the common room and found my safe space in the corner. I don’t know why he changed his mind about me, and why he was being so nice. If I could read his thoughts, I could figure out what he was up to. Maybe I should have been more suspicious about him getting food for me. But he was cute, and I hadn’t had anyone to talk to in a long time. Madeline could only hold a conversation for thirty seconds, and that was on a good day.
I pulled out a book from my secret stash behind the bookcase and handed it to Nate. “Here, you can read this one,” I said, looking around to make sure no one was watching. When the coast was clear, I slid forward and pulled another book out from behind the DVD player under the TV. “I’ll read this one.”