by Laura Winter
“I’ll get another bowl when I’m done. I didn’t want it to get all soggy,” she said, shrugging her bag off her shoulder. I could already see papers sticking out of the zipper where it couldn’t close any further. Some things never changed. “I wish we weren’t studying different things so we could have class together.”
“Well,” I replied, squeezing her side, “I’d be absolute shit at English or science or whatever you end up studying. And I’m sure you’d just be bored with business classes. Accounting was the worst class to have first thing in the morning.”
Finnley scrunched her nose. “Yeah, don’t let me sign up for any more 8:30am classes. If I can’t sleep, I’m not going to be able to function without a gallon of coffee before class. It doesn’t even help anymore, it just makes my heart race.”
“Do you want to stay with me tonight?” I asked.
I could see the tiredness in her eyes now as she glanced at me. I knew she hadn’t slept well, but I didn’t know it was that bad. She had sat next to me so I wouldn’t notice it.
“What about Glitch?”
“I think he figured we’d stay together since tomorrow is your birthday,” I said, poking the rubbery chicken on my plate. Cereal didn’t sound that bad now. The worst it could be was stale.
Finnley looked at me funny. “It’s my birthday tomorrow?”
“Wait, Jackson erased your birthday too?” I tightened my grip on the table. I knew she still didn’t have everything back, but what’s the purpose of hiding her birthday?
“No,” she said, softening into my side to try to relax me. “I just didn’t realize the date. Can you tell me a little more about the months before Jackson? I like hearing you talk about our story.”
“I’ll tell you more stories if you go on a birthday date with me tonight,” I said, grinning.
Finnley raised her eyebrow. “Are you bribing me to go on a date with you?”
“Of course I am. I know you wouldn’t say yes if there wasn’t some incentive,” I replied.
My heart melted when she smiled back at me. “Then yes, I will go on a date with you,” Finnley said, scrunching her nose in happiness. I wished we weren’t in public so I could get lost in her kiss. It always made me feel whole. She must have been listening because her hand slid across my leg and she leaned in close to whisper. “More kissing later.”
* * *
“Have her home by midnight, young man!” Glitch shouted after us. He was already sprawled out on Luci’s bed, his homework spread across the blankets.
I rolled my eyes as Finnley laughed. That was one memory she had gotten back. Clara had overheard Glitch from the kitchen on our first movie night a year ago, but didn’t want to embarrass me any more than I already was. My heart was already beating faster as I thought about the feeling of our first kiss.
Finnley’s hand tightened in my grip. “I remember that too.”
But her smile was happy and sad at the same time. Happy because there were still wonderful memories, but sad that it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t everything.
“So, dining hall date followed by a stroll around campus. Then I’m gonna make you paint stars on the ceiling when we get back to the room. I really miss that,” I said, holding the door open for her as we walked out into the August heat.
She bumped my hip as we walked along. “That’s my favorite trick. I’m glad I showed it to you.”
I frowned. “You don’t remember doing that for me?”
“No,” Finnley said, shaking her head and wincing slightly. “Probably because it’s tied to everything intimate we shared. I still can’t even tell you… those three words… it’s painful just to think about saying it to you.” She stopped walking and rubbed the back of her head with her free hand. “Nate, please don’t let that keep you from helping me get my memories back. I want to say it, and I haven’t been able to, but please know—”
“I know,” I said, pulling her into a hug. “I don’t want to see you in pain. We’ll find another way, I promise.”
We made our way into the dining hall and found a secluded table in one of the back rooms. Finnley was able to see people’s memories when they were strong, so I did my best to recreate some of my favorite ones. Besides any intimate time we spent together, she was filled in on the events up until the Cold Souls were trapped. Some of that fuzziness probably had to do with the concussion after defeating them, but she got to live in those moments, even if it was from a different perspective.
I could tell Finnley was enjoying it. I showed her Clara’s competitive streak when we played paintball. She laughed when I shared how embarrassed I was when she casually mentioned to Luci that we were sleeping together. She seemed just as in awe as Clara was when I explained our first date at the library, and how I had set up the rooftop for a quiet evening away from people.
We had started walking around the lake on campus by the time I explained how proud I was that Clara stood up against the guy at the fair, even if she had responded to his thoughts. But when I got to the proposal, Finnley stopped walking.
“I don’t remember what the ring looked like. I know Jackson took it, and I can vaguely remember what it felt like on my finger, but I can’t remember what it looked like. It breaks my heart,” she said, hanging her head.
I ran my palm over her cheek. “You don’t have to be sad. I’ll get you a new one if you want. It’s not the original, but it’s still something.” I picked up her hand and traced my fingers where her ring should have been, doing my best to picture it. “A braided gold band and a small diamond. Much too small to represent how much I love you, but it was still perfect.”
Finnley smiled wide as she closed her eyes. “You’re right, it was perfect.”
“Finnley, every time I look at you, I fall more and more in love with you. Every piece of my heart wants to propose to you over and over again, just so I can hear you say yes for the rest of my life.”
Her smile faded as her hand slipped out of mine. I could hear the music start playing on my phone.
Too Far Gone. Sir Sly.
“Nate, you fell in love with Clara. Everything you had with her… I can’t get there because I’m too afraid of the pain. I can’t even think about it…” she winced, pulling her hands into fists to fight the pain of just trying to say what was on her mind. “This? Me? I can’t hold you to a promise you made to Clara when I might never be her again. You don’t see me, you see her and you love her.”
It took me a moment to process what she said, but I finally shook my head and pulled out my phone to change the song.
I See You. MISSIO.
I sighed. “That is so far from the truth. I fell in love with you. You and Clara are the same person, even if your memories are slightly different right now. You are fiery, passionate, kind, and beautiful. Yes, sometimes I have to remember to call you Finnley because when I met you, that wasn’t your name. But you, Finnley, invented Clara to protect yourself. You created every bit of her, which means Clara is just as much you as you are Clara. I love you, all of you, always forever.”
Finnley’s blue eyes were sparkling when she finally looked up at me. “We’re going back now.”
She changed the song as her body slid closer to mine.
Monsters (feat. Ella Boh). Brother Sundance.
Finnley had barely locked the door behind her when I had her pushed against the wall. My hands were under her shirt and tracing her spine as I kissed her deep. It was still different, and she wasn’t taking over, but she was taking her time. I pulled my shirt off and moved her hands around my back.
I felt Finnley tense up as she pulled me closer, but she still made her move. She spun me around and pressed my body into the wall, her lips moving down my neck as she let me slide her shirt off. I wrapped my arms around her as she jumped and let me carry her back to the bed. As we leaned back, her breath caught.
“I’m hurting you,” I said, lifting my head away.
Finnley didn’t let go of her grip around me. “Wait,
don’t,” she whispered, taking control of her breath. “Please don’t stop. I love you.”
I could feel the pain shiver through her body, but she did her best to ignore it. Finnley pulled me closer and flipped on top of me, finding every way to keep contact with me and use our Blue Soul connection to help her. She was moving more smoothly and I was lost in her as she finally took over like she used to, her tongue tracing my lips and sending my mind and heart spinning.
love; not wrong (brave). EDEN.
48
Finnley
My head was pounding, but I didn’t care anymore because my head was back. Nate was back, and I was even more in love with him than before. He had stayed by my side even when I didn’t know him, and he had helped me get to the other side. But as much as I loved him and never wanted to leave his arms, I was getting claustrophobic. Between the sweating, stuffy dorm room, and headache, I needed to get fresh air. I slid out of Nate’s bed and threw on his shirt and my jean shorts and snuck out.
It was still hot outside, even in the middle of the night, but at least there was open space and a breeze to clear my thoughts. Jackson had made sure the memories would hurt, hoping it would deter me from trying to get them back. He wanted to keep Nate and I apart, and for a while it worked. I was terrified of the pain I might feel, but I was done letting him win. Though the headache was bad, Jackson had underestimated the pain I had once felt with the Cold Soul inside me. Still, after months of not having the voices inside my head, it wasn’t pleasant to remember how much this sucked. I sat down on the bench outside to keep from throwing up.
“Someone had a fun night,” said a voice in front of me.
“What?” I groaned and looked up. Great, Caden was stalking me again.
He laughed. “Your hair is all kinds of crazy. You’re either drunk, just got laid, or both.”
I didn’t laugh. “I’m not drunk. Why do you keep showing up everywhere?” I asked, folding my arms.
“We live in the same dorm. It’s not that surprising. At least I have an excuse to be out late. I’m coming from study hall,” he said, sitting down next to me.
I raised an eyebrow. “It’s after midnight. How can study hall go that late?”
“Well, I left study hall two hours ago, but I went to the library for a little longer,” he replied, shrugging. “First day of classes and I already feel like I’m behind.”
“So, you left study hall to study more?”
“Not everyone can be brilliant without trying. I don’t have as much time on my hands as you NARPs. With practice and stuff, I didn’t even get to start on my work until seven.”
“What’s a NARP?” I asked.
“Non-athletic regular person,” Caden replied, gesturing toward me with a huge smile.
I rolled my eyes. “Just because I don’t play sports doesn’t mean I’m not athletic. I wasn’t joking about the softball thing.”
“I’ll have to see it to believe it,” Caden said as he leaned back, watching me carefully. “So why are you out here? Shouldn’t you be cuddling with your boyfriend after making his night?”
“Excuse me?”
He shrugged. “You said you weren’t drunk, but you didn’t deny you got laid.”
It took me a second to recover. “Fine. But what makes you think my night wasn’t made?”
“You’re sitting out here after midnight and it looked like you were frustrated about something. If you aren’t drunk, I assume you weren’t all that thrilled to stay with him.”
“Well, you’re wrong. I just have a headache, and it’s a long story unrelated to my sex life,” I sighed and leaned back. I hadn’t noticed Caden had put his arm on the bench behind me. As soon as I felt it, I leaned forward again. He didn’t seem bothered.
“Does the headache have anything to do with the fact that you’ve been rubbing your ring finger for the last five minutes?” Caden asked, nodding toward my hands. I hadn’t noticed what I was doing and shoved them between my knees. He looked back up at me. “Did you think he was going to propose or something?”
“He already did,” I blurted, surprising Caden.
“You don’t have a ring… so you said no?”
“I’m going back inside,” I groaned, standing up to leave. Caden reached up and gently grabbed my hand to stop me.
“I’m sorry, I was just curious,” he said, letting go as I sat back down.
“Another long story,” I said, shaking my head and thinking of the nightmare my life had become. “We were—are—engaged, weird things happened over the summer, the ring got stolen, but we’re fine now.”
“You know, I can’t figure you out. You have a lot of long stories for an eighteen-year-old. It’s almost like you’re hiding this grand secret or living multiple lives,” he said, poking fun without realizing how right he actually was.
“You’re smarter than you look,” I said, frowning. “But as of twenty minutes ago, I’m nineteen.”
“Well, happy birthday. Nineteen and already maybe engaged. Lucky guy,” he said, leaning forward. “I’m assuming you’d like my help getting back to his room?”
“Why would I need your help?” I asked.
He laughed and stood up. “Need I remind you, freshman, that your good looks only get you so far. After midnight they monitor the halls to make sure the opposite sex isn’t on the wrong floor.”
I groaned, knowing I could get back just fine using my powers to avoid the RAs. “Fine.”
I followed Caden into the elevator and watched him punch the button to the ninth floor.
“Don’t worry,” he said defensively. “Still not stalking you. I ran into your guy, his friend, and Madeline on move in day. We happen to be on the same floor.”
When the elevator doors opened, Caden stuck his head out to make sure the coast was clear. Without hesitation, I ducked under his arm and headed toward Nate’s room. Caden still decided to follow me so I spun around and folded my arms, glaring at him.
“Thanks, but I’m pretty sure I can handle it from here.”
“This time I believe you, but I’d also like to get back to my room,” he said, pointing to the door behind me.
“Sorry.” I felt my face get hot as I slid out of the way. This is the embarrassment I deserve for not reading people’s thoughts.
Caden shrugged. “Eh, I get how it looks. Have a nice night with your maybe-fiancé. If you go for round two, try to keep the noise to a minimum.” He grinned as he unlocked his door and stepped inside.
I snuck back into Nate’s room without any problems and slid back into bed with him. Nate didn’t seem to notice I had been gone at all.
49
Nate
Finnley’s phone rang loud on the desk. She groaned and reached above her head to answer it.
“Hello?” she asked, her voice scratchy. She pulled the phone away quickly as I heard the shout on the other end.
“Happy birthday, Finnley! Did Nate give you your present yet?” Madeline wasn’t on speaker but it sounded that way.
Finnley dropped back down next to me and pressed her face into the pillow without opening her eyes. “Mads, what time is it?”
“I don’t know. Six maybe. I couldn’t wait any longer. Open his present, I wanna hear him give it to you.”
“How did you know Nate was with me?” she asked, brushing her tangled hair off her face as she lifted up again.
“I know things, remember?” Madeline giggled.
I smiled and reached under my pillow to pull out the box I had hidden.
Finnley raised her eyebrow. “You hid it under your pillow?”
“I couldn’t risk you peeking,” I replied, handing it over.
Finnley’s face lit up when she pulled out the caffeine charm necklace I had replaced. I couldn’t get her a ring, but I could at least replace her last Christmas present that Jackson had stolen. I missed watching her play with the charm when she was distracted by something.
Madeline broke the silence. “I can’t hear any
thing. Are you two kissing yet?”
Finnley rolled her eyes. “We’re about to. I’m going to hang up now, thank you for calling.”
“Hey Finnley?” Madeline chimed before Finnley could hang up. “Welcome back. I won’t tell your mom you’re gonna be kissing Nate.” She giggled and hung up.
Finnley played with the charm in her hand, still trying to wake up. I slid my hand around her hips and pulled her closer. “You feeling okay?”