TWINED

by A. L. Collins

  “What’s on your mind? Take deep breaths sweetie, it’s like you just ran a marathon,” she said to me. I think she already had an idea. She was the only one at this school that I talked to. Or, rather the only one of the staff I trusted. She was told about certain things that happened to me in the past in order to keep a look out for any medical problems that may result from them… like depression and so forth. So I figured that if she already knew everything about me, why not talk about them with her? Just so happens I was lucky enough that Ms. Gray was a fun, kind and spunky individual who dished out advice like a good five star meal.

  “Do…” I fidgeted at the wording. I couldn’t find the right way to say what I wanted to say, “Do… mental issues. Mental health… like… does…”

  Ms. Gray looked at me knowingly. Her gaze full of warmth she said, “You’re wondering if mental instability is genetic.”

  My lip quivered a bit but I held back tears and nodded silently. Ms. Gray grabbed me in a hug and sighed, “Oh honey I’m sorry you’re so worried about this.” She comforted me as she rubbed my back, “But there’s nothing to fear sweetheart. What happened to your mother is nothing that will affect you more than it already has,” she said as I stepped back and wiped my nose a bit. “She was never technically diagnosed with schizophrenia.”

  I cringed at those words. She shook her head slightly. “What brought this on, Avalin?”

  I couldn’t look her in the eye. Do I tell her about the voices? The morphing faces? No. She’d think I was nuts too. It may not run in the family but I’d end up being the genetic wonder exception with my luck. I didn’t want my fears to become reality. Not when I wasn’t even sure if what I was seeing was reality to begin with.

  Okay I was questioning reality. Red flag raised and I’m not an idiot. Scared or not I had to tell her. And the more I thought on it the more I realized that keeping this stuff locked away was… potentially dangerous. What if I really did need… help? Better to get it now before things get worse.

  Besides if there was anyone here at this school I could trust, it would be Ms. Gray. “I’ve… been hearing a few things,” I said with a quivering tone, unsure of how to word these unique happenings. “Like… voices. And…”

  Ms. Gray looked at me seriously, “Avalin… are you taking any kinds of medication? Or any other types of… drugs?”

  I knew what she was asking me. I’d be offended if it was anyone else and I shook my head no, “No, no meds. And I’m clean.”

  The nurse nodded in relief, “Good. You can tell me if you are though, because then I can tell you what your problem is right now if that’s the case.”

  I shook my head again and, content with my answer, she dropped that topic, “Now… where exactly did you hear these voices?”

  “The parking lot for starters.”

  “How long ago?”

  “This morning,” I replied. “When I got to school. I drove the Camaro.”

  “What kind of voice was it?” she asked. “Was it soothing? Familiar? Male or female?”

  I opened my mouth. I knew what I wanted to say, “It was familiar… like I’ve met the person before. Kind of deep voiced, male. I… well…” I scratched the back of my hand as my gaze fell to the tiled floor beneath my feet, “I heard it in the parking lot… like someone was right next to me. And then in class… this kid spoke out to answer a question Mr. Briggs had asked… and I swore he had the same voice as the one I heard.”

  She listened intently to what I was saying. After taking it in she folded her hands and looked at me, “Okay… so you heard this voice in the parking lot…” I nodded at her, “And then you say you heard this same voice from a young man in class.” I nodded again as she turned her head sideways and looked at me out the corner of her eye, like she always did when she was deducing a symptom, “Is it just possible that he was walking by you this morning and you heard his voice then, as well as in class today?”

  And when she said that I felt like an idiot. I closed my mouth before I could think of anything to say. She didn’t suggest it in a degrading matter. She almost made it sound like my brain just jumped to conclusions. And maybe she was right. There were tons of kids in that parking lot. Even though the voice sounded like it was right next to my ear… my hearing could have just been playing tricks on me.

  And maybe I was overreacting because… well, just the whole situation really, “I… I guess that’s possible. So, what… I’m just inventing connections?”

  She shrugged slightly, “It’s a strong possibility. You could have talked to this young man before right here in school, which explains the familiarity. But despite the incident with your mother… you have no medical history or risk of mental illness. Because this seems more like reasonable paranoia, unless you have anything else to tell me.”

  I sort of smiled and she smiled back to me as I admitted, “I guess I… just freaked out about it so much that I…” I brushed my hair back, a little embarrassed, “Gave myself a little panic attack.”

  She sighed, “Oh honey I know it’s terrifying. It can’t be easy what you’ve… been through.” She whispered that last part. “Dealing with those troubles and then trying to fit into the jagged puzzle that is social acceptance? It’s almost impossible.” She shook her head, like she was sympathizing with me. “There is so much pressure on young people these days. But you can rest easy dear because I promise that you have nothing to worry about. From all my assessments of you in the past you have perfect mental health. No depression, no disorder, no anxieties.” She smiled a wide, cheer-up smile. “Avalin you’re perfectly normal.”

  I lost about twenty pounds right there, “Okay… what about the breath?” I tried to joke.

  She gave me a thumbs up. “Your breath is good.”

  That felt… relieving. Not the breath thing. Although I admit that felt better to hear than it should have. But what I really meant was the normal part. It’s what I wanted to hear truthfully. Normal was good. Bored was even good right now. Bored sounded fantastic when compared to panic, I decided. I didn’t like how I felt when I found myself thinking about the possibility of… well let’s just say I didn’t like the possibility of hearing voices. Hearing voices is never good. It was very bad, in actuality.

  I felt a good amount of relief flood through me as my heart seemed to skip back to normal levels of activity. I sighed and just gave her a thankful look. She smiled back to me and nodded.

  “Thanks Ms. Gray. I… I’m sorry I bothered you with this,” I apologized in all sincerity.

  “Oh it’s what I do love.” She walked back over behind her desk. “And if you ever need anything else, I have The Blind Side here ready for watching if you need a sick day off with me,” she said as she laughed to herself. “We haven’t watched a movie together in ages. And you know how I love me some Sandra Bullock. And now she has that southern belle accent. Lovely!”

  I snickered quietly and smiled warmly at her. “I would love to watch a movie. Anytime you’re free let me know.”

  “Preferably when I’m not cleaning up any messes would be nice,” she replied, shivering. “There have been so many accidents this week. I don’t know how I’m a nurse with such a vomit phobia.”

  “Because you’re kickass,” I said as I opened the door and shouldered my bag, “Thanks again for everything Ms. Gray. You made me feel much better.”

  The woman winked, “It’s a gift.”

  As I left the nurse’s office, I never got to hear what she said after. She would fold her arms and rest her elbows on her desk. “That’s right…” she whispered, “It’s a gift.”

  I closed the door and sighed to myself, pressing my forehead against the cold wood. I felt like such a fool as I grinned stupidly at the irony of this situation. I can’t believe what I got so freaked out about. Really the thought of losing my mind terrified me. It crippled me in
a way I had never felt before. I suppose though that maybe I was just blowing everything out of proportion due to prior events. That’s what I did best after all. And it’s why I always kept a close reign on my imagination and my wild thoughts… in fear of losing my sanity. Is it safe to say I kept myself mentally boxed in? Yes. The less you think, the easier it is to stay content. Ignorance really is bliss I believe. Which is why, like I told Briggs, I don’t do life questions.

  But there was the reverse side of this argument. How was I ever supposed to learn or move forward when I was the only thing hindering myself from doing so? Should I stay so paranoid and within boundaries due to the off chance that I may one day fall apart? That would drive me insane faster than the damn hallucinations. How was I supposed to live like that? How much was I going to miss?

  How was I supposed to move on? It was suffocating.

  Whatever, it was done now. I wasn’t even going to give it another second of my life. As I turned and walked down the hall, I decided things were finished and this chapter of my life was going to close whether it wanted to or not. I wanted to leave my past behind. I was going to will these doubts away if need be. This was not going to define me and it sure as hell wasn’t going to consume me. There were plenty other things in my life that wanted to do that.

  The bell rang. It scared the daylight out of me in the process as I looked up to the clock. Briggs’ class was ending for me and it was time for lunch. Perfect. Maybe some food would help relax me. I had a mug of hot tea in my locker and the school microwave was up for grabs. If I got there early enough I could heat it up. I needed something soothing, that was a given. Maybe it wasn’t too late to finally petition for that Rowan High spa those girls last mod were talking about.

  Yeah, right. I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Be realistic, Avalin, I joked with myself.

  I walked down the halls and took a couple turns. This school was nothing but hallway after hallway so it was easy to get lost. I ran up the steps and ended up near the senior locker section where I saw everyone in my grade scurrying to get their stuff since we only had a twenty minute lunch period. The teachers claimed it was thirty minutes, but we all knew it was only twenty plus the time it took to wait in the lunch lines. So that means I had to book it.

  With all this commotion I forgot that I also had to take the poetry test when I had the chance. He gave it at the end of class today and I figured I missed it with all the panic and whatnot. I cursed as I walked over to my locker and evaded the numerous asses that stuck out as other kids bent down to retrieve things out of their own lockers. After breaking the sexual harassment rules of my school at least a dozen times in the past minute I turned to my locker at the very end of the row, J-158, and turned the combination. I hated my combination. It was 10, 17, 8. I hated my combination so much. But it was a perfect lock that never jammed, which was more than a lot of other kids could say about their lockers.

  “Casper!”

  I heard that name. Someone was calling me. That was my nickname, Casper. And I only knew one person in the entire school who called me that. I turned around and I saw a good friend of mine walking up to me. His short blonde hair caught my attention first and I ended up smiling to myself as he approached.

  “Lyle,” I said and stuffed my bag into my locker. I grabbed a paper bag out of the top section and the thermos next to it as I greeted him with a warm expression. I really was excited he found me. “I’m glad to see you.”

  He was taken aback. “Really? Wow.” He smiled and shrugged his shoulders. “Who’d have thought? I didn’t think I was either interesting nor attractive enough to garner your approval.”

  Lyle is a friend, has been a friend since day one. We met a year after the incident with my mother and just clicked right away. It took a lot for me to open up to him and become friends considering I was practically shattered by the time we met. But he’s been there for me… hell he even got beaten up because of me. We’ve been through a lot together. If anyone had my back, it was him.

  And he’s the only one who knows about my eleventh birthday.

  “It’s just nice to see someone who isn’t going to drive me-” I stopped short, poor choice of words.

  “It’s nice to see someone you can hold a conversation with,” he re-phrased for me as I slammed the locker door shut with a swing of my foot.

  “Yeah,” I sighed, “Yeah… that’s what I meant.”

  I knew he could tell I was having a bad day. His brown eyes worked in unison with his eyebrows to give me a somewhat sympathetic look, “One of those days?”

  I walked out of the locker section and he followed behind me. “One of those lives,” I remarked in frustration.

  “Care to chat? We’re going to the same place.”

  “Captive audience?” My grin widened and I shot a glance at him over my shoulder. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  He caught up next to me as we walked side by side. “I prefer motive and opportunity.”

  Laughter from yours truly followed. “I do have the opportunity.” I nodded as I enjoyed our banter. This is what Lyle was best at. When he was around the worrying stopped and things just seemed to get so damn normal.

  But I stopped literally in my tracks as I saw Connie and her friends walk past me. They looked at me as I glared back, not in anger, but in caution. I felt like I was dealing with the Rowan mafia at this point. They all made eye contact with me at the same time. All of them except for the red headed cheerleader that is, she only snuck a passing glance in this general direction. Connie smirked, thinking it was she who caught my spite. But it was the red head I was eyeing. Jessica I think her name was. I wanted to see if… anything was different about her this time.

  But nothing happened. I sighed half in relief that nothing went amiss and half in frustration that I was even thinking about this crap again. As the cheerleaders walked out of view with their ridiculous hips swaying in unison, literally, I shook my head and gripped my paper bag tighter while I walked down the junior steps without taking so much as a steaming glance back.

  Lyle bit his lip, “And there’s the motive.” He followed me down the staircase and shouted at me as I dodged students passing me by, “You and Connie at each other’s throats again?”

  I wasn’t going to tell Lyle about this one. The morphing faces and the voices I mean. I told him about a lot of crap, but this time it just didn’t feel right.

  “It’s always Connie,” I spat back, still going down the steps. “When is it not Connie?” I lied… partially. This time my woes had nothing to do with Connie.

  “It’s not Connie when it’s Jessica, Melody or Alexandria.” He sighed and tried to catch back up to me as I stormed to the lunch room. He jogged forward and looked at me. My gaze stayed straightforward.

  “What?” I asked him as nicely as I could while I gave him a quick look.

  “Why do they bother you so much?” He asked me this as if I hated them because they were prettier than me or some other kind of trivial nonsense.

  “Because they’re snobby, spoiled and were born sucking a silver spoon.” I shrugged, “They’re just wenches. Why are they wenches? No clue. I should ask God when I die.”

  “Well there’s some bitterness,” he replied.

  “Unjustified bitterness?” I asked.

  “No. It’s justified,” he sighed and pat me on the shoulder. “I just like you better when you’re back to your usual sarcastic and snarky self, Casper. Griping about the breast size to success in pop music ratio or how Mr. Gerrett uses the word rapscallions.”

  “He does say rapscallions, doesn’t he?”

  “That he does. A lot.”

  “I feel like no one says rapscallions these days.”

  “It was never cool in any time period.”

  “Amen Lyle,” I praised as I put my bag and thermos together and then return
ed to take a sip of my tea which was cold. I winced and made a small face as I scoured for that microwave I needed ever so desperately.

  “Hmm,” Lyle hummed as he rubbed his chin. “Which line? I don’t know what I’m craving today.”

  I saw the lines at the far end of the hall. They were atrocious. It looked like half the school was heading to a soup kitchen. It was like the Rowan High great depression. Okay, that was insensitive, but at least the point was made. I glanced at Lyle. “You’re never going to get out in time.”

  He gritted his teeth, “I might squeeze through with time to spare.”

  “You’ll have ten minutes. Tops.” I sipped my tea again. “You can’t eat in ten minutes Lyle it’s not healthy.”

  He verbally mocked me, “What’s going to happen?”

  “An ulcer most likely. You eat fast as it is.” I grinned and motioned to the lines, “So choose. Do you prefer synthetic chicken patties on a bun or synthetic chicken in nugget form?”

  I looked towards the nugget line. I was staring down the group of kids to see if I could spot Prajna anywhere. But I couldn’t find her in all the commotion.

  Instead something else found me.

  My eyes caught a particular guy who was staring at me. I froze as he just glared right in my direction with his hands in his cargo pants pockets. He just stood there leering as I looked back. It was so obvious his gaze was directed towards me, he didn’t even try to hide it. And no one seemed to notice. It’s like he didn’t even breathe he was so still. The lunch line seemed to move around him almost in a fast-forward fashion.

  Lyle wasn’t paying attention. I knew he wasn’t… and I couldn’t stop looking at this guy in line anyway. It was like I was captivated by him or something, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. I looked at his short hair. It was the same color as his eyes, like a smooth shade of night. He was an awesome slender and muscled build, taller than me… he didn’t exactly seem like a regular high school student. He had this air… this aura about him. Like I’ve felt his presence before… like he knew what I was thinking. His lips went into a small grin, yet my face remained unaltered. I wouldn’t have thought anything more than “he’s hot” until it happened. That’s when I heard it again. That’s when I heard the voice.