Very Important Corpses

by Simon R. Green

  ‘Until we’re no longer of use to each other,’ I said.

  ‘What other groups did the two of you work for?’ said Penny. ‘I know about Black Heir …’

  ‘Oh, we got around,’ said Baron, flashing her another of his meaningless smiles. ‘Ishmael and I have worked for all kinds of agencies, for all kinds of reasons.’

  ‘Such as?’ said Penny, determined not to be fobbed off.

  ‘The past should stay in the past,’ I said. ‘It can do less damage there.’

  But I could see from Penny’s face that she wasn’t about to let the question go. I’ve always avoided discussing my life before I met her. Because I wasn’t always in a position to be the kind of person she could be proud of. Baron’s smile widened as he saw me hesitate.

  ‘If you don’t tell her, I will.’

  ‘All right!’ I said. ‘My first job was with MI13, back in the sixties. That’s where I first met … Chris.’

  ‘And we had a fine old time together,’ Baron said happily. ‘Hunting down monsters in the pay of foreign powers. Kicking the hell out of myths and legends that weren’t content to remain myths and legends. And just generally taking care of business, with cases of the weird and uncanny. The Intelligence game got more than a little weird in the late sixties. Something in the air perhaps … Anyway, it was all going splendidly, adventuring by day and roistering by night … until suddenly our careers went into something of a nose dive after the Case of the Positive/Negative Double Agent. Both of us found it necessary to disappear in something of a hurry after that debacle.’

  ‘And who’s fault was that?’ I said.

  ‘Blame is for other people,’ Baron said loftily. ‘Anyway, I went to work for the Science Pirates, and Ishmael joined the Demon Runners.’

  ‘I didn’t stay with them long,’ I said. ‘They were too weird, even for me. Chris and I met up again in the seventies, when we both worked for the Beachcombers – the group that was eventually replaced by Black Heir.’

  ‘Happy times,’ said Baron. ‘Clearing up after close encounters, and collecting all the alien flotsam and jetsam that got left behind. Then we both got involved in running security for the Beachcombers’ attempt to produce a superagent – a human chameleon who could change shape to impersonate anyone.’

  ‘Did it work?’ asked Penny, fascinated. She loved to hear stories from behind the scenes of the world.

  ‘Unfortunately, no,’ said Baron. ‘The process killed every subject they tried it on. Often in distressingly messy ways. The scientists didn’t properly understand what they were working with. Ishmael walked out on them.’

  Penny turned to me. ‘Why did you leave?’

  ‘Because I was lied to,’ I said. ‘I was told all the test subjects were volunteers.’

  ‘They were very well paid,’ said Baron.

  ‘But they weren’t properly informed about the dangers!’

  Baron shrugged. ‘For the kind of money they were getting, they should have known …’

  ‘I left,’ I said, ‘but you stayed.’

  ‘In my defence, I was being extremely well paid,’ said Baron. ‘And there was always the chance the scientists might pull it off.’

  ‘Down the years we’ve both worked for any number of subterranean groups,’ I said. ‘But even after all the things I’ve done, I like to believe there’s no innocent blood on my hands. Can you say the same, Chris?’

  ‘Probably not,’ said Baron. ‘You always were more fastidious than me. I always thought the most important thing was to be good at my job.’ He smiled engagingly at Penny. ‘And I have worked for some quite remarkable people. I was with the Carnacki Institute for a while – the Ghost Finders.’

  Penny shot me a mischievous glance. ‘Ishmael says he doesn’t believe in ghosts.’

  ‘That’s all right,’ said Baron. ‘They believe in him.’

  ‘Change the subject,’ I said.

  Something in my voice must have got through to Baron. He stood up a little straighter and cleared his throat.

  ‘I have to say, I wasn’t that surprised to hear you’d joined the Organization, Ishmael. The two of you were made for each other. Equally mysterious and hard to understand.’ He nodded at me, in a thoughtful sort of way. ‘You know, you really haven’t changed a bit. You look exactly the way you did when we first met, back in ’64.’

  ‘So do you,’ I said.

  ‘Ah yes,’ said Baron. ‘But I’ve had a lot of help. I’ve never denied it. Plastic surgery is the secret agent’s best friend.’

  ‘Why did you leave the Beachcombers, Chris?’ I said. ‘You seemed so suited to each other. Equally ruthless and hard to live with.’

  He shrugged easily. ‘With no surviving subjects, the shape-changing experiment was deemed a failure. No project, no need for security. So I just quietly disappeared, while everyone else was busy pinning the blame on each other. Didn’t take me long to find another berth. There’s always a need for someone with my experience.’

  ‘And yet Jennifer Rifkin was killed on your watch,’ I said. ‘Do you have any idea as to who might be responsible?’

  ‘Haven’t a clue,’ said Baron. ‘Quite literally, I’m afraid. Or at least none that make any sense.’

  ‘Did you come up with the idea of an animal attack?’ I said.

  ‘You’ve seen the state of her room, and the odd nature of her death,’ said Baron. ‘Neither suggests a human killer. And there is the legend of the Coronach creature …’

  I thought about it. ‘Did you have much contact with Jennifer?’

  ‘She had her own business here,’ Baron said stiffly. ‘Which she preferred not to share with the likes of me. I did get the impression she was concentrating on the members of the Baphomet Group, rather than their work. But whatever she was looking for, she wanted the glory of discovery all for herself.’

  And because she didn’t know who was really who, I thought, she couldn’t know who to trust.

  ‘Do you think the Coronach creature is the killer?’ Penny asked Baron.

  ‘It’s a possibility,’ he said carefully.

  ‘Have you seen any sign of the creature?’ I said.

  ‘Not in the House,’ said Baron. ‘No one has. The servants have been gossiping about hearing things, but nothing I could confirm. If it is some kind of unnatural thing …’

  ‘Have you personally seen or heard anything to suggest an unnatural presence?’ I asked pointedly.

  ‘Not in the House,’ said Baron.

  ‘If only we had proper surveillance measures in place, things would be so much simpler,’ I said.

  ‘First thing I complained about, when I got here,’ said Baron. ‘The principals had even had the exterior cameras ripped out, and they rarely go outside! I tried to convince them that reinstalling the cameras was in their best interests after a murder; but they didn’t want to know. They trust their guards to keep them safe. But of course … they can’t be everywhere.’

  ‘As Jennifer found out,’ I said.

  ‘Exactly!’ said Baron. ‘Something got to her past all the security and all the staff and got out again, without being noticed. You have to admit that does sound … unnatural.’

  ‘What kind of an investigation have you pursued into Jennifer’s death?’ I said.

  For the first time, Baron looked uncomfortable. ‘I haven’t been allowed to do much. The room was immediately sealed off, and the body locked up in the freezer. I’ve questioned all the staff, and as many of the security people as I could persuade to talk to me. But no one will admit to knowing anything.’

  ‘You haven’t questioned any of the principals?’ I said.

  ‘What do you think?’ said Baron.

  ‘If the killer is one of the Baphomet Group,’ I said, ‘we can’t let any of them leave Coronach House.’

  ‘How do you plan to stop them?’ said Baron. ‘Does even the Organization have any real power over people like these?’

  ‘Jennifer was on to something,’ I said.
‘And I will find out what it was.’

  ‘She was killed for whatever she found out,’ said Baron.

  I smiled at him. ‘Any creature comes after me, I’ll turn it inside out and stamp on its lungs.’

  ‘He would, too,’ Penny said sweetly.

  ‘Wouldn’t surprise me in the least,’ said Baron. ‘I have searched the House thoroughly, from top to bottom. Including all the principals’ rooms, while they were busy at their meetings. No evidence, no clues, and no sign of a killer hiding anywhere. Human or inhuman.’

  ‘What about the undercover reporter?’ said Penny.

  Baron pulled a face. ‘Like I don’t have enough to worry about … Short of firing all the House staff and replacing them, I don’t see what I can do. And anyway, the reporter would probably just sneak back in with whatever new staff I hired. All we can do is keep our eyes open and hope they give themselves away.’

  And then he stopped, and looked at me thoughtfully. ‘This creature … I have seen something. Out in the grounds, down by the banks of the loch. Just a dark shape moving in the mists. I challenged it but there was no response; and by the time I got there, it was gone. I had the exterior guards search the whole area, but they couldn’t turn up anything. When I talked to them afterwards a lot of them admitted they’d seen something, or thought they had, at one time or another. And they all agreed on one thing, a constant feeling of being watched by unseen eyes …’

  ‘Could have been the reporter,’ I said.

  ‘It didn’t move like anything human,’ said Baron. ‘Come on, Ishmael! We’ve both seen enough strange stuff in our time to know monsters happen.’

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘But men who act like monsters are far more common.’

  ‘We need to work together on this case,’ Baron said persuasively. ‘People will talk to an Organization agent, where they wouldn’t talk to me. The principals’ security people are already scared shitless of you, so let’s use that. Come on! It’ll be just like the old days. We always did good work together.’

  ‘Clearly, you remember the old days very differently from me,’ I said. ‘Mostly I remember us trying to kill each other.’

  ‘Only when we were on different sides!’

  Penny was starting to look a little disturbed, so I changed the subject. ‘What do you make of the Major Domo?’

  He shrugged. ‘Strict, stern, very proper … Runs a tight enough ship. But she does tend to swan around the place like she owns it. And she strikes me as someone who likes to keep things to herself.’

  ‘You should know,’ I said.

  ‘Hark who’s talking,’ said Baron.

  ‘Put your claws away, boys,’ said Penny. ‘Concentrate on the case. What do you make of the principals, Chris?’

  ‘Bit of a disappointment, really,’ said Baron. ‘They’re not the cat-stroking Bond villains I was expecting. Just … business people.’

  ‘Accountants,’ I said.

  ‘Exactly!’

  ‘They must be incredibly wealthy already,’ said Penny, frowning, ‘so why bother with the Group?’

  ‘Because they were born into it,’ I said. ‘It’s all they know.’

  ‘At least it’s just people, these days,’ said Baron. ‘Remember when the Immortals got involved with the Baphomet Group?’

  Penny’s ears pricked up. ‘The Immortals? Ishmael told me about them! Were they really immortal?’

  ‘Someone once said to me “You’re only immortal until someone kills you”,’ I said. ‘After that, you are just long-lived. The Immortals were wiped out sometime back. Just as well. They really were complete bastards.’

  ‘One big extended family of shape-changers,’ said Baron. ‘The Beachcombers supposedly acquired their shape-changing tech from the Immortals. Though that could have been just gossip.’

  ‘This gets better and better,’ said Penny. ‘The Immortals really could change their shape?’

  ‘They could make themselves look like anybody,’ I said. ‘Infiltrate any group, steal any secret.’

  Or replace a member of the Baphomet Group, I thought, without anyone noticing. The family may have been wiped out, but there have been rumours of a few surviving Immortals …

  ‘Wouldn’t surprise me if they sabotaged the tech they sold the Beachcombers,’ said Baron. ‘They never did like competition.’

  ‘What about the Illuminati?’ Penny asked excitedly. ‘Were they part of the Baphomet Group too?’

  She stopped, as she realized Baron and I were trying hard not to laugh.

  ‘The Illuminati were just an early form of urban legend,’ I said, trying hard not to sound condescending. ‘A joke that got out of hand. Later groups encouraged gossip about the Illuminati as a distraction, to steer people’s attention away from what the real subterranean groups were getting up to.’

  ‘But … wouldn’t that be just what a real Illuminati conspiracy would want you to believe?’ said Penny.

  ‘Oh, she’s good,’ said Baron. ‘Also just a bit unnerving.’

  ‘I think there are enough real secret groups out there without worrying about fictional ones,’ I said judiciously. ‘The Baphomet Group is all about business. They’re not interested in ruling the world, because that would be too much like real work. They just set policy and let other people get their hands dirty.’

  ‘Precisely,’ said Baron. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I was on my way to sort out a problem with the chauffeurs. They’re all demanding separate rooms, but there aren’t enough to go round.’

  ‘Why is that a security problem?’ I said.

  ‘Because all the chauffeurs go armed,’ said Baron. ‘The principals’ last line of defence against terrorists and kidnappers. They take their personal security very seriously.’

  ‘Then why are they staying on in a House where someone has been murdered?’ said Penny. ‘Where it has been demonstrated that someone or something can get in and out without being noticed?’

  ‘Good point,’ said Baron. ‘The Group meeting must be really important … Or maybe they just trust their security guards to keep them safe.’

  ‘I wouldn’t,’ I said. ‘But then I’ve met them.’

  ‘Don’t be snotty, Ishmael,’ said Penny. ‘They don’t normally come up against people like you.’

  ‘There are no people like him,’ said Baron. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to be getting on with.’

  He strode straight past us and off down the corridor. I watched him go until he was out of sight.

  ‘You don’t like him, do you?’ said Penny.

  ‘He’s very smooth,’ I said. ‘Very plausible, whoever he’s pretending to be. I’ve always envied the way he can make himself at home in any company. But I’ve never known him to be loyal to anyone or anything apart from himself.’

  ‘What kind of cases did you work on together?’ said Penny.

  ‘The difficult, dangerous ones. Baron is good at his job … as long as you can keep him pointed in the right direction. But no matter what kind of case we worked on, he was never really happy until he’d spilled somebody’s blood.’

  ‘Is he … special? Like you?’ Penny said carefully.

  ‘Not like me,’ I said. ‘But his background is almost as mysterious as mine.’

  ‘Why was there so much tension in the air just now? Is there bad blood between you? Did you really try to kill each other?’

  ‘Now and again,’ I said. ‘When we both wanted the same thing, but for different reasons. Don’t misunderstand me. We couldn’t hope for a better Head of House Security. As long as no one else makes him a better offer.’

  ‘You don’t trust anyone, do you?’ said Penny.

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘Apart from you, obviously.’

  ‘Nice save, space boy.’

  ‘You’re welcome, spy girl.’

  ‘Hold everything!’ said Penny. ‘If Baron is the same age as you …’

  ‘He’s older,’ I said. ‘When we first met, he was the same age I was supposed
to be. At that time I was only a year old, newly made by my ship’s transformation machine, but he was already in his twenties.’

  ‘So how can he still look the same?’ said Penny.

  ‘He’s had a lot of help, down the years,’ I said. ‘He’s always been very open about it. But I didn’t see any of the scars you’d expect in his face or neck from such extensive plastic surgeries. And I’m pretty good at spotting things like that. Still, when you work for groups like the Beachcombers and Black Heir, access to alien tech is one of the perks. He could be half cyborg by now, for all I know. Except I can usually hear their parts working …’

  ‘How do you feel about him, really?’ said Penny. ‘It sounds like he’s been a part of your life for a long time.’

  ‘We’ve both been secret agents for the same kinds of groups,’ I said. ‘Shadows on the walls of the world. Always changing identities and allegiances … But despite all the things we’ve done together and done to each other … All the rooftop chases and vicious back-alley fights … He’s as much a stranger to me now as the day I first met him.’ I stopped looking back through decades of memories. ‘I suppose he is what I’ve always wanted to be. Easy, charming, smooth, assured … He could afford to be liked and applauded, while I couldn’t afford to stand out.’

  ‘But you’re real,’ Penny said wisely. ‘He’s just a series of roles.’

  Real? I thought but didn’t say. Because I play only one role – being human?

  ‘There are too many people in the House,’ I said, deliberately changing the subject. ‘So many I’m a bit lost as to where to start looking for suspects. Which could always be the point – the killer hiding himself in the crowd. Far too many people have guns: the House security, the principals’ security, the chauffeurs … And on top of that, there’s the undercover reporter to worry about and the possible double in the Baphomet Group.’

  ‘Could they all be connected?’ said Penny.

  ‘Let’s hope so,’ I said. ‘Or we’re in real trouble.’

  I broke off as the Major Domo came striding down the corridor, heading straight for us. From the look on her face, it was obvious she had something urgent and important to say to me. And I just knew it wasn’t going to be anything I wanted to hear.