Very Important Corpses

by Simon R. Green

  I smiled around at the principals. ‘Which of you left this room, even though I told you not to?’

  Three of the principals immediately turned to stare at December. He bristled angrily in his chair.

  ‘Oh, come on! I only went to the bathroom. It wasn’t like I sneaked out! I told you where I was going. You can’t expect a man of my years to go for long without a toilet break. Stop looking at me like that! I was only gone for a few minutes …’

  ‘A few minutes is all it would take,’ I said. ‘I wonder, if I was to send some of the guards outside to search all the nearby bathrooms, would they find December’s body tucked away somewhere?’

  ‘Oh hell!’ said December, rising to his feet. And suddenly he didn’t look tired or old any more. He just seemed to shrug and Baron was suddenly standing there, in his distinctive red-leather jacket. He smiled around the room, as the principals jumped to their feet and backed away from him. The Major Domo moved quickly to place herself between Baron and August, who was looking even more dumbfounded than usual. January stabbed a quivering finger at Baron.

  ‘It’s him!’ she said loudly. ‘It’s him!’

  Baron ignored her, nodding cheerfully to me. ‘Very clever, Ishmael. You’ve found me. But it doesn’t matter, because you’re going to let me go.’

  ‘Pretty sure that’s not going to happen,’ I said.

  ‘You’d be surprised at some of the things I know,’ said Baron. ‘Give me a moment, Ishmael. We need to speak privately, just you and me. For old times’ sake.’

  ‘You already tried that,’ I said.

  ‘This is different. Come on, Ishmael! This doesn’t have to end in a massacre.’

  I looked around the room, shrugged, and moved off to one side. Baron came over to join me. Penny looked uneasy, but stayed put after I nodded reassuringly to her. Baron leaned in close, his words little more than a murmur.

  ‘I did some checking into your past, while I had access to the Beachcombers’ files. They knew all sorts of things they weren’t supposed to. I was curious about you, about certain things I’d seen you do. The point is I know what you are. I know why you appeared out of nowhere in 1963, and why your appearance hasn’t changed since. Why you have to keep moving, to stay hidden. Ishmael … I know where your starship is buried. Let me leave here and I’ll take you right to it. You can reclaim your heritage. Who knows, maybe you can go home again.’

  ‘Even if I believed you,’ I said, ‘which I don’t, I won’t betray my job and my trust. That’s the difference between you and me.’

  Baron sighed heavily. ‘You always were the sentimental one. I just thought … Well, we’re back to where we were, then. You let me leave, or I kill everyone else in this room before you can stop me.’

  ‘Including the one who’s paying you?’

  ‘His fee was contingent on my completing the job and not being found out,’ said Baron. ‘You’ve blown that. So to hell with him! And to hell with you!’

  ‘Can I ask one question that’s been bugging me?’ I said.

  ‘Just one? All right. For old times’ sake.’

  ‘How did you get the missing heads out of the principals’ rooms and past all the guards without them noticing?’

  ‘I made a pouch in my body and tucked them away inside. When I went back to being human, the heads were absorbed inside me.’

  ‘I think I was better off not knowing,’ I said.

  ‘I could have told you that. Are we done now? Good.’ He stepped back, and smiled around at the watching room. ‘Guess what? You’re all going to die.’

  The Major Domo called out, the door burst open, and all the guards from the corridor came rushing in, guns at the ready. Baron spun round to face them, and every single guard opened fire at once. Bullets slammed into Baron over and over, but no blood flowed and the wounds healed almost immediately. The guards concentrated their fire on Baron’s head, and he raised one arm to protect his face. And then, one by one, the guards’ guns fell silent as they ran out of ammunition. Suddenly, it was very quiet in the room. Baron lowered his arm and smiled at the guards. The smile stretched unnaturally wide, showing row upon row of horribly sharp teeth.

  I stepped forward, putting myself between the guards and Baron. His back arched and his head surged forward, the snapping teeth reaching for my throat. I grabbed hold of his head with both hands and ripped it right off his body. Black blood jetted from the stump of his neck, and the headless body crumpled bonelessly to the floor. I held Baron’s head up so I could look into his eyes. He smiled briefly, and tried to say something. I crushed his head between my hands. The skull shattered, and brains erupted all over my hands. I dropped the broken head to the floor, took out a handkerchief, and cleaned my hands carefully.

  ‘That was for you, Jennifer.’

  People were saying things all around me, but I wasn’t listening. I’d just killed a man who might have been my friend. I put away my handkerchief and looked at Penny.

  ‘I’m sorry you had to see that.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘I understand.’ She looked like she did, even if it disturbed her.

  I looked around the room, taking my time. Everyone was staring at me, white-faced and wild-eyed. Most of the guards were covering me with their guns, even though they were empty. The three remaining principals stared at me uncertainly. The Major Domo hovered beside August, ready to stand in front of him again if necessary. I gave them all my most reassuring smile.

  ‘Relax. It’s almost over.’

  ‘How could you do that?’ said March. He sounded like he might faint at any moment.

  ‘Never mess with a trained Organization agent,’ I said.

  ‘But Baron was the only one who could have told us who he was working for!’ said the Major Domo.

  ‘Not necessarily,’ I said. ‘First, send the guards out of here. They don’t need to hear this.’

  The principals didn’t look too sure about that, but the guards were already hurrying out of the room, glad of any excuse to leave. The last man out slammed the door behind him, and it was suddenly very quiet in the room. I smiled easily about me.

  ‘Now we have only three suspects left, and only one motive that makes sense. I’ve been thinking about this for some time. And, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, it all comes down to hatred. The bottled-up rage of a man forced to be what he never wanted to be.’ I looked steadily at August. ‘It had to be you. January and March might have conspired against the old order, but they still wanted the Baphomet Group to continue, on their own terms. Same with December. You’re the only one who hated everything about it. And you were the only one to say that Baron went to meet February in his room before the gunfight. But none of the guards mentioned seeing him; and they would have noticed the Head of House Security. He changed to look like one of the escorts, and that’s how he got to his first victim.’

  January and March stared at August, who looked steadily back at them.

  ‘You’re wrong,’ said the Major Domo. ‘August, tell him he’s got it wrong!’

  ‘Oh do be quiet, Helen,’ said August. He was still the same grey little man, but the look in his eyes silenced the Major Domo. He turned to face me. ‘You’ve worked it all out, haven’t you, Mister Jones? Despite all the obstacles I had Baron throw in your path. I never wanted to be a part of the Baphomet Group. Never wanted to run the family business. It was forced on me. All the things I could have done, could have been … One of the richest members of the financial elite, but my life wasn’t my own. I put up with it for as long as I could, for the sake of my family … But perhaps it was just one meeting too many, one argument too many … I simply decided I’d had enough.

  ‘I used my family’s connections with the hidden world to hire Baron. And then it was easy enough to provide him with forged credentials and position him here. So he could kill all the people who’d made my life such a misery.’ He stopped, to look at the Major Domo. ‘Your company was very pleasant, Helen
, but you were only ever a source of information. You told me everything that was happening in the House, and I told Baron. I couldn’t have done this without you.’

  ‘I thought you cared for me!’ said the Major Domo.

  ‘Sorry,’ said August. ‘After all, you’re just a servant. Now do be quiet. I’m talking.’ He paused a moment, to gather his thoughts, and then looked back at me. ‘With so many of the Group dead, there will be chaos in the financial markets. Encouraged and manipulated by people I’ve already put in place. More than enough to wipe out all the other families. The Group will be discredited … and I will be free at last. Free to become someone who can be happy, at last.’

  ‘I thought I made you happy,’ said the Major Domo. ‘You made me happy.’

  ‘Do you really need me to say it, Helen? Very well, then. You were just a means to an end. Nothing more. Now, please hush.’

  He deliberately turned his back on her, giving all his attention to me.

  ‘Why kill Jennifer?’ I said.

  ‘Baron panicked,’ said August. ‘He was afraid she’d recognized who and what he was, so he silenced her. But then the Organization sent you.’ He glared at Baron’s headless body. ‘If you hadn’t killed him, I would have seen to it. I told him what needed to be done to throw you off the scent, but he never was subtle … All my marvellous plans derailed by one impulsive action!’

  ‘Isn’t it always the way?’ I said.

  August stared coldly at me. ‘You must know that you can’t touch me. Even your precious Organization can’t touch me … I am protected by centuries of invested money and accumulated privilege. No one can do anything about all the things I’ve done.’

  There was the sound of a single shot. August made a puzzled sound, and dropped to his knees. He bent slowly forward, revealing the Major Domo standing behind him with a gun in her hand. I remembered taking the gun away from Baron in the private bar and giving it to her. August cried out softly. Blood spilled from his mouth, and he fell forward on to his face and didn’t move.

  ‘You should have loved me,’ said the Major Domo. ‘I loved you.’

  She lowered the gun and looked at me.

  ‘Am I going to have any problems with the Organization?’

  ‘I shouldn’t think so,’ I said. ‘It’s not like we could have put him on trial … This is as neat an ending as we were ever going to get.’

  The Major Domo looked at January and March, who were already nodding.

  ‘We’ll make sure there’s no problem with his family,’ said January. ‘Probably be glad to be rid of the ungrateful little wretch. As the last two surviving members of the Baphomet Group, we’re free at last to make it into what we always thought it should be.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said March. ‘New blood comes in, and the Group goes on. As it always will.’

  ‘Praise Baphomet!’ said January.

  ‘Praise Baphomet!’ said March.

  Penny shot me a look and started to say something, but stopped when I shook my head. We were never going to know for sure.

  ‘I should have realized it was August,’ said the Major Domo. ‘But I let him get too close to me. I couldn’t see the monster inside the man.’

  Penny nodded. ‘People can always surprise you.’

  EIGHT

  Reflections

  It was morning, and the sun was out. I stood on the bank of Loch Ness, looking out over its still dark waters. Penny stood at my side, one arm slipped companionably through mine. Birds were singing cheerfully, while a brisk wind blew clouds across the sky. There wasn’t a hint of mist anywhere. A handful of guards patrolled the grounds, careful to maintain a respectful distance.

  ‘It’s a pity we never got to see the monster,’ said Penny, after a while.

  ‘There were enough monsters in the House,’ I said. ‘Or more properly, in the people in the House.’

  ‘Do you think Nessie’s just a legend?’ said Penny. ‘Like the Coronach creature?’

  I thought about it. ‘Just because we haven’t seen something, doesn’t mean it might not be out there somewhere. There’s room in the world for all sorts of things.’

  A small boat came chugging calmly down the loch, apparently entirely unconcerned about what might exist in the depths beneath. Penny waved to it, and someone on deck waved back.

  ‘So,’ she said, ‘there never was a fake principal.’

  ‘Looks that way,’ I said. ‘Apart from Baron, right at the end.’

  ‘An odd case all round,’ said Penny. ‘No one was who or what they seemed to be.’

  ‘An entirely suitable case, then, for the mysterious Mister Jones,’ said the Colonel.

  We both looked round, as the tall military figure came striding across the grounds. He slammed to a halt beside us, held himself at parade rest, and looked out over the loch with a stern gaze, as though daring anything in it to misbehave.

  ‘I thought it better to meet out here,’ he said, in his usual clipped tones. ‘The principals don’t need to see my face. The two remaining principals, I should say. At least you kept some of them alive. The Organization … is not entirely displeased.’

  ‘Good to know,’ I said. ‘I have a question.’

  ‘Of course you do,’ said the Colonel.

  ‘Who told the Organization they thought one of the principals might be a duplicate? I never found any evidence of that. But if Jennifer Rifkin hadn’t been called in …’

  ‘Quite,’ said the Colonel. ‘The Major Domo alerted the Organization. She is one of us, after all.’ He allowed himself a small smile at the look on my face. ‘Not a field agent, of course, but one of many who serve our purposes out in the world.’

  ‘That’s why she wasn’t thrown when we told her Baron was a shape-changer!’ said Penny.

  ‘Exactly,’ said the Colonel. ‘She was unhappy about Baron being forced on her as Head of House Security. And when she couldn’t find out why, she started looking for a reason. She decided she didn’t like the way one of the principals was acting, so she alerted us. And we sent Miss Rifkin.’

  ‘And Baron killed her,’ I said. ‘She had no idea of the danger she was in.’

  ‘My people are removing her body,’ said the Colonel. ‘And sorting through the various bagged body parts to assemble as much of the dead principals as we can, before returning them to their families.’

  ‘Did the Major Domo ever say who she thought the fake was?’ said Penny.

  ‘No,’ said the Colonel.

  ‘Presumably not August,’ I said.

  ‘Indeed,’ said the Colonel. ‘But then we all have our blind spots.’

  He looked up and down Loch Ness, decided he wasn’t impressed, and walked away. I went back to looking out over the loch.

  ‘Still waters run deep,’ I said.

  ‘You should know,’ said Penny.

  ‘I’m not a monster,’ I said.

  ‘Of course not,’ said Penny. ‘If you were a monster, how could you love me?’

  ‘Because it’s all about you.’

  ‘You and me.’

  We laughed quietly together, in the rising light of the morning.