Expectantly? Or was he imagining that?
Xan stepped closer. Their bodies touched. He bent closer.
She pulled away, turning to the tapestry again.
He’d have the blasted thing burned. Better, he’d do it himself.
“How have you been?” she said.
“Great. Couldn’t be better.” His hand shook, and he pressed it against his side.
“Why are you hovering?”
“I’m … uh … it’s good to keep practicing.”
She frowned. “Let’s try that again. How have you been?”
“Well …” Xan sighed. “Can we sit?”
He plopped down on the nearest chair, and she sat beside him.
“Leading people. Being responsible for their lives … it’s a lot.”
She nodded.
“I always looked at Duke Asher and the queen, and I saw the privilege, the money, the freedom to choose. I didn’t see that wrong decisions cause death and those deaths are on them. On me.” His voice choked. Dangerous topic.
“Something happened?” she said. “You lost someone, and you blame yourself?”
He nodded, unable to speak.
She put her arm around him, leaned her head to rest her face against his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
They sat like that for a while, not talking, while he got himself under control. The last thing he wanted was for her to see him cry. He needed to change the subject. Something. Anything.
“So about, you know, that moment right before I left Asherton …”
“The one where you saved my life?” she said. “Thank you so much. Really Xan, you risked yourself for me.”
“Yes, well … I … You’re welcome,” he said. “But that wasn’t the exact moment I was thinking about.”
“Oh. What moment, then? Everything happened so fast.”
“You know what I’m talking about.”
She grinned. “It’s all a blur in my mind.”
He sighed. “The moment where, you know …”
“Know what?”
She was going to make his say it. Fine.
“The kiss.”
“It was … something,” she said.
Good grief, why was she making it so hard?
“Are you … mad … at me?”
“Why would I be?”
“I kind of, you know, did that without your permission.” There. He’d said it. Finally.
“Huh?”
“I’ve felt so bad about it,” he said. “Forcing you to kiss me. I’m just … I’m so sorry.”
She bolted away from him, removing her arm from around him and standing.
Uh oh.
She faced him, her face clouding. “Alexander Conley, get this straight and never forget it. I am responsible for my own actions. If I wouldn’t have wanted you to kiss me, believe me, I would have let you know it.”
Wait. Did that mean she’d wanted him to kiss her?
“You do not control me.” Her fists pressed against her hips. “How dare you try to take responsibility for me! How dare you apologize for something I was so glad of!”
Xan grinned. He shouldn’t have, but he couldn’t help it.
“Alexander Conley! Why are you smiling?”
“Because … because you … because this!”
He jumped to his feet, leaned in, and kissed her. Hard. Long. Her body pressed against his as she melted into him.
But only for a moment. A brief, horribly short, moment. Until she pulled away.
“What’s wrong?” he said.
“I can’t. We can’t.”
“Anastasia Knox, you are the most beautiful, wonderful, exciting, confounding, confusing, consternating, beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”
“You said ‘beautiful’ twice.” She tried to sound stern but didn’t pull it off.
“Why can’t we?” he said. “You just told me you wanted to.”
“Because of Ashley. Remember her? My cousin?”
“What about her? She’s … a friend. Nothing more. I swear.”
Tasia turned from him and walked back to that blasted tapestry. “I know. It’s hard for me to believe, but I know.”
“Then, what’s the problem?”
“She’s my cousin! I can’t … even though she would if the situation were reversed, I can’t … I just can’t!”
They lapsed into a silence again, him not knowing what to do. Go to her and hold her? Leave her alone?
“What do we do?” he finally said.
“I don’t know.” She sighed and turned to face him, her eyes glistening. “For now, be friends? Good friends? Until I can figure out … something?”
“I’m here. Whatever it takes, as long as it takes, I’m here.” He let out a breath. “But …”
“But what?”
“Once you get things straight with Ashley, I want to do things right this time. If we live through everything that’s coming, we should get to know each other better. Maybe a … a … courtship? I mean, if you’re interested in something more than just … you know, casual stuff?”
“I am definitely interested in more than just … casual stuff.”
Xan’s heart thudded. Whatever else happened, at least he had her.
“Now,” she said. “Why are you using magic?”
His heart thudded harder for an entirely different reason. He turned away from her. “I have to use magic. If not, I’d never get all this accomplished.”
“Alexander Conley, you know what I meant. Why are you using magic right now?”
“Like I said earlier, it’s good to keep in practice?” He studied the Gryphon throne as earnestly as she’d pretended to study the tapestry earlier.
“Whatever the glamour is hiding, drop it.”
Xan grimaced. “I’d rather not.”
Silence stretched, and eventually, he had to look back at her. Big mistake.
She wasn’t mad. More like … pleading. Like she was saying, “Let me in.” Which, really, was exactly what she wanted. And really, if they were going to get to know each other, keeping secrets and lying weren’t the way to go. But he couldn’t.
“Speak, Xan. Whatever you’re thinking, tell me.”
“I’m afraid. Okay? If you find out what I’m hiding, I might … you might …”
“I might what?” she said. “It’s okay. Just say it.”
“I don’t want to lose you again. I just found you.” He turned back to the throne.
“Look at me, Xan. Meet my eyes.”
He did.
“You will not lose me,” she said. “No matter what.”
“Promise?”
She reached for his hand and squeezed. “Promise.”
“Fine.” He dropped the magic, leaving him defenseless.
Nine mages working in perfect concert couldn’t destroy him, but she could. If she wanted to grab his heart and rip it still beating from his chest, he’d be powerless to stop her.
For an instant, though, she didn’t react. Maybe he’d overestimated how visible the rings around his eyes were without the glamour concealing them. But then her gaze narrowed. Focused.
She yelped. “Alexander Conley, what have you done?”
“You promised.”
She snapped her mouth shut. When she spoke again, she was much calmer. “Tell me.”
Being open and honest wasn’t his strongest attribute. He’d never felt close enough to anyone to share deeply of himself, not even with Lainey.
But … Tasia.
He stood and turned from her, not able to meet her eyes. So much had happened, and little of it cast him in a good light. How could he trust anyone to stand by his side with the full knowledge of his faults?
His pride. A little boy’s death. More than a thousand people endangered because their leader cared more about a dangerous drug than about his responsibility.
Xan wiped dampness from his cheek.
Even Tasia, the most kind, generous, loving person he’d ever met. How c
ould she forgive him when he couldn’t forgive himself? And he couldn’t imagine facing her once she knew the depths of his idiocy.
But it was Tasia, and if he couldn’t trust her, there was no one he could.
He glanced back at her, and she smiled at him. Not a happy smile, an encouraging one. One that said, “I will not hurt you.” One that convinced him that confessing was the right thing to do.
Still, talking wasn’t easy, and he stopped and started a lot. An hour passed. More. Still he talked. He told about the seeds, about Marco, about executing people, about feeling overwhelmed and unqualified to be a leader.
And she listened and she hugged and she cried.
They ended up with her sitting on the throne and him curled up on the ground with his head in her lap.
84.
Xan flew back to Eye Lake, propelling a transport kinetically.
The past couple of days had been fruitful, yielding five mages, including two kineticists, the type he needed most. After landing at Gregg’s training ground, Xan sent them off to be trained before any battles commenced.
He grimaced. Battles. Where they’d be risking Their lives for him.
And he didn’t even remember their names. Sending such fresh recruits into action was unthinkable. If only he had a choice.
Unlike mundane combat where a plucky group of high-morale soldiers who chose the better ground might defeat a numerically superior foe, magic battles always went to the bigger force. When ten mages took on eleven, ten would block ten, and the eleventh would kill the opposition.
Every time.
Even with every mage he could find, he was likely to be ridiculously outnumbered in the next confrontation with Dastanar, and losing meant slavery or death for everyone he cared about.
He had to figure out a plan. There had to be a way to turn things to his advantage.
Nothing had occurred to him by the time he’d flown to the watchtower, though, just as it hadn’t in the three days since Brant had dropped the news about King Barius’ horde of magic users.
“Report,” he said as he walked inside.
“The messengers Marshal Reed sent have returned, my lord wizard.” Sherry, the on-duty harken, said. “He’s waiting for you in the throne room.”
Finally. Word from the queen could mean anything from a court martial for Brant coupled with an all-out attack on Eye Lake to her having a change of heart. Either way, the wait was over.
“Uh, just him or is anyone with him?” Xan said.
“He has one death mage with him.”
Tasia! Xan had been so busy he’d barely seen her since that night in the throne room. He sighed. Not that that was a terrible thing. All he wanted to do was find quiet corners to pull her into, but they were friends only until she resolved the situation with Ashley.
That should only take … years? Decades? Never?
“Good,” Xan said. “Carry on.”
His chest tightened when he opened the door to his throne room, a thought he found more than slightly ridiculous. One shouldn’t be nervous when entering one’s own room.
He braced himself to see Tasia. Instead, Brant had Ivie with him.
“What’s the word?” Xan said.
“About the best we could have hoped for,” Brant said.
“The queen ordered us to a meeting just north of Asherton at the village of Aingfief. Dastanar is expected to move soon.”
“When are we leaving?” Xan said.
“Dylan should be back from recruiting tonight, so head out first thing in the morning?”
Xan nodded.
“Thanks, by the way,” Brant said.
“For what?”
“Teaching us how to scan mages at a distance. That’s valuable. Very … generous … of you.”
Xan shrugged. “The more mages we have, the better.”
Brant and Ivie soon left, and Xan lost himself in issuing orders. All the mages were going, along with most of the soldiers and hundreds of support staff. That meant a lot of wagons had to be packed. And the town had to be prepared for Xan, Robyn, Gregg, and the mages to be gone for an extended absence.
Xan grimaced again. Maybe forever.
Regardless, someone had to be left in charge, and talking to that person was one task he would have gladly delegated but also one he needed to see to himself.
* * *
Tasia walked aimlessly through Eye Lake.
Instead of what she should be doing.
Not that she’d been totally worthless during her stay, of course. She’d taken shifts growing crops, an interesting and productive use of her power, but she’d also avoided Ashley.
When Tasia had boyfriends stolen, she’d thought nothing would be better than if she could one day, somehow, come out on top of her cousin. Unbelievably, she was in just that situation, but there was no joy in it, only dread at their eventual confrontation.
Tasia turned her gaze to a row of dresses strung up outside a shop. Motion up the street a short way caught her eye. A townswoman, a farmer’s wife by her attire, stood glaring, her hands on her hips.
The woman set her mouth tight and marched to the dress shop. “Why are you not with him?”
“Excuse me?”
“I will not,” the woman said, “not after the way you’ve treated him.”
“Perhaps you’ve mistaken me for someone else? I’m quite sure I’ve never made your acquaintance.”
“Frae.” She twirled a shiny copper wedding band around her finger. “And I know exactly who you are.”
“I don’t under—”
“The Lord Gryphon is a good man. He deserves better.”
Oh.
Tasia hung her head. Yes, he was, and he did.
They were to depart the next morning, and with war drawing near, she’d just wasted three entire days she could have spent with Xan. He’d apologized for the whole proposal debacle in the most romantic way possible, and they’d talked. Really connected. He’d told her he wanted to begin a courtship, and he’d opened up to her intimately, which she knew to be difficult for him. She’d held him and comforted him for most of a night.
But one big, glaring obstacle stopped them from being together.
“He was engaged to my cousin,” Tasia said.
Frae said nothing.
“My cousin who was there for me when no one else was and who, against all odds, truly cares about Xan. How can I hurt her like that?”
Still, she said nothing, just glared.
“No, tell me,” Tasia said. “How?”
She couldn’t believe she’d just spurted that out to a random stranger on the street, especially one so hostile, but Frae’s expression softened.
“Family is tough, but it’s no excuse.”
“There’s no good way,” Tasia said.
“No, there’s not, but it must be done.”
Tasia shut her eyes for a moment. “You’re right, of course, but …”
“No ‘but.’ Do you know how much he’s suffered? The weight of our lives is on his shoulders. He can’t bear more.”
Tasia stiffened.
“Now,” Frae said. “Go to him.”
Tasia couldn’t continue taking the coward’s way out, procrastinating and avoiding. “No, to her.”
She spun and stalked to the castle, but Ashley wasn’t in her quarters. Her maid had no idea where she was or when she would return.
Tasia had finally summoned her courage, but its endurance was tenuous. A delay would cause it to evaporate, perhaps never to appear again. She had to find Ashley. Soon.
A half hour passed as she wandered the keep, and each minute weakened Tasia’s resolve. She neared the throne room’s antechamber on the verge of giving up.
Robyn stood in the middle of a crowd, sorting those allowed to see Xan from those who should seek guidance from the town’s mayor. She excused herself from the petitioners and smiled as she walked to Tasia. “Are you okay? You seem … lost?”
“More like discouraged.” Tas
ia sighed. “You wouldn’t know where Ashley is, would you?”
Robyn’s mouth tightened. “Unfortunately, I do—inside the throne room, waiting for an audience with the Lord Gryphon.”
Ugh. The absolute worst place for her to be.
“I must speak with her before she talks to Xan,” Tasia said. “It’s important.”
“She’s been in line an hour. Seems determined to wait her turn.”
Few people in the three kingdoms were harder to turn from a course of action than Ashley when she set her mind.
“I don’t suppose we could set the castle on fire or something, huh?” Tasia said.
Robyn laughed. “I don’t even think you and I combined could get by with that, but …”
“Yes?”
“I could let you listen to their conversation, and they won’t know you’re there.”
Tasia had no idea how to respond to that offer.
“The throne room comes equipped with secret spaces in the ceiling for guards,” Robyn said. “Easy enough to slip you into one of them without anyone knowing.”
“You’d let me spy on Xan?” Tasia said.
Robyn nodded.
“I don’t get it. Duke Asher is my uncle. I rode in with a group tasked with bringing Xan to justice. Don’t you question my loyalties?”
Robyn snorted. “After the way you kissed the Lord Gryphon?”
“You saw that?” Tasia’s face heated.
“Secret spaces in the ceiling, remember?”
“Maybe I kiss a lot of rulers, if that’s all it takes to gain the confidence of their staff.”
Robyn grinned. “Yes, you’re a master of espionage. I can see that now. Should I call for the guards?”
“You know I’m on his side.”
“Yes, I do. That was the whole point.”
Tasia gritted her teeth.
“Do you know what the Lord Gryphon was like before you got here?” Robyn said.
From what Xan had said about Marco’s death and the seeds, Tasia could well imagine.
“He was a miserable wretch,” Robyn said. “Filthy. Listless. Didn’t eat. Just existed in a drugged haze. I thought we’d lost him, that I’d walk into his throne room one day and find his lifeless body. Then, you came.”
“My first sight of him was atop the wall. He looked good to me.” Too good.
“The very instant he heard you were coming, he got clean,” Robyn said. “Everyone in Eye Lake owes you big, and we’ll do whatever we can to help you.”
Gryphon (Rise of the Mages Book 2) Page 45