My emotions snowballed and lodged into my throat, making it difficult for me to speak, and I ended the call. Why would he do this now? He’d sounded so sincere after the incident at the restaurant. He wanted to change. We’d signed him up for our first AA meeting together, and that had come and gone.
Deep down, I knew it wasn’t anything I had or hadn’t done. Addicts weren’t reliable. I already knew this. I shouldn’t be surprised Ashton had ghosted me. He was probably drinking up a storm while he was away from me.
Although it just about killed me to think of doing it, I had to break up with him. Him being so agreeable about AA had given me hope. Him not following through was just the beginning of a long list of infractions I knew was sure to follow.
I’d lived this script before. Played the lead role in it, and it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Taking care of Mario financially since his drug use had left him brain damaged was already stressful. I couldn’t go through the same thing with Ashton.
I always knew that you couldn’t help someone if they didn’t want the help. Yet here I was trying to fix him. It was time for me to accept I wasn’t a miracle worker here. My abilities were limited as far as he was willing to cooperate.
I hated the feeling of utter hopelessness that shrouded me, but what else could I do?
For what must’ve been the hundredth time, I brought myself back to the day I’d last seen Ashton. We’d spent the night at home after I’d locked up the café. Together we’d made dinner, eaten, and selected a date for him to start AA. He’d seemed okay with going once we’d found a meeting where I could accompany him.
After confirming our option, we’d moved to the couch where he’d curled up into me while we watched a movie together. At least he’d watched the movie while I’d focused on him and how stunning he was. I needed him to get better.
He’d squirmed out of my lap and pulled my dick from my sweats. We’d made love on the couch, and in that moment, hearing his pants and his soft cries as I stroked inside his body, I knew I’d do anything for him. I’d stick through this with him.
Now he’d dropped off the face of the earth. Like the first time he’d disappeared for a week, but at least then he’d sent me messages to let me know he was okay. This time…nada.
Seeing how miserable I was at work, brooding and even more silent than usual, Phil had invited me over for dinner. I’d declined at first but then changed my mind after visiting with Mario today. My apartment was full of signs that Ashton had been there, and I just needed to get out of there for the evening. Later tonight would be hell enough.
The front door opened, startling me out of my thoughts, and Phillip’s form materialized.
“Hey, man, I thought it was you I heard pull up just now.” He frowned. “What are you doing standing out here?”
“Just making a call.” I waved my phone in the air, then slipped it back into my pocket. It took everything inside me not to check if the ringtone was on both ring and vibrate. Just in case Ashton called.
“Everything all right?” he persisted. “You’ve looked a little off for the last couple of days.”
He didn’t say it outright, but he must’ve noticed that Ashton hadn’t been coming around the café. Normally Phil would’ve teased me about it, but he hadn’t. Instead, he’d kept looking at me with a thoughtful expression like he wanted to say something to me but wasn’t sure how.
“Everything is fine.” I winced as soon as the lie left my lips. “Not really, but I’m hoping for the best.”
“Ashton?”
I nodded, avoiding his gaze. “Yeah, I just don’t know what’s up with him, and it’s triggering all these flashbacks of Mario, you know. The way he’d disappear and leave me hanging.”
“Jesus, I don’t know what to tell you, man.”
Before I could reply, a tall, slender woman appeared behind Phillip, frowning. “Now I know you’re not keeping our guest outside,” Noelle scolded her husband.
“It’s not a guest. Just Callum.”
I scowled, pushing past him to envelop his wife into a hug. She smiled as I squeezed her just enough. “Hey there, beautiful. When are you going to divorce this good-for-nothing husband of yours and run off into the sunset with me?”
She swatted at my shoulder, her cheeks flushed. “When you’re Orlando Bloom, sure thing.”
I laughed, my mind temporarily relieved of my troubles with Ashton.
Now being at their home, I was reminded that these were my friends, and I needed this more than I needed staying at home, not knowing whether I should be pissed at Ashton or scared for him.
“I’ll pretend my feelings aren’t hurt.” I pecked her on the cheek. “Something smells good.”
“That would be the pot roast.” She led the way along the hall.
“Smells divine. Tell me we’re about to eat.”
She looked over her shoulder at me but glanced away quickly. “Almost but not quite. The kids are in the living room, Cal. They haven’t seen you for a while.”
I didn’t need to be told twice. Phil and Noelle’s three kids were the closest thing I’d ever come to having kids of my own. I was their godfather and dubbed “Uncle” Cal, their favorite relative, their parents included.
I stepped into the living room and broke into a grin. Their youngest, five-year-old Kaylee, saw me first.
“Uncle Cal!” she squealed, jumping to her feet and bomb rushing me. Ten-year-old Monty and his brother, Jersey, just a year older, charged after her. Together they bore me down to the carpet and sat on my limbs while I pretended to use all my energy to escape.
“I give up! I give up!” I finally caved in. “You guys are getting too big for this game. I can’t breathe.”
Giggling, Kaylee scooted off my chest. “I gained one whole pound!” she cried, showing me her index finger. “I’m gonna eat all the food until I’m as big as you!” She leaned sideways, her hands stretched vertically to indicate what she meant.
As soon as I was free, I rose to my feet and snagged her around the legs, sweeping her into the air. “So, you want to be as big as me, yeah?”
I twirled her around until I knew she was dizzy, then let her fall onto the couch. While she was recovering amid her fits of giggles, I grabbed the boys under my arms and kissed their hair, even though they hated it.
I was allowed to annoy them as much as their father did.
“Hey, how are you guys enjoying that game I bought you?”
“It’s super hard,” Monty replied. “Maybe if you tell Mom and Dad to let us play more often, then we’d be better at it.”
“Not gonna happen, bud,” Phil said as he entered the room.
I listened with a grin as the boys attacked their father, pleading their case while Phil remained steadfast about them not getting more than one hour of video game time during a school week. He was damn good at this parenting stuff. I would’ve caved already at the pouty lips and the sad eyes.
Phillip did agree to forego the rule tonight, though. The boys already had their one hour of playtime, but they wanted a game with me. I took a seat with the game control in hand, shifting my hands to accommodate Kaylee, who climbed up into my lap. Whenever I was around, she would stick to me like glue, and I loved it.
I beat both boys, not one to stroke their ego, plus I wanted them to work hard at it. I’d played several games with them before, and I knew that once they beat me, they’d lose interest in the game.
Unknown to Phillip, I passed the video control to the two boys to let them play while I grabbed a book to read to Kaylee. We were in the middle of the story when the doorbell rang.
“Cal, will you get that, please?” Noelle shouted from somewhere in the house. I assumed she was in the kitchen as the delicious aroma had grown even stronger.
“I’ll get it!” Phillip called.
“No!” she yelled, startling me. “I mean, Phil, I need your help to set the table, please.”
Shaking my head, I allowed Kaylee to climb up onto
my back as I went to answer the door. I wasn’t prepared for the handsome man who stood on the porch. He looked just as startled to see me, even going as far as to step back and glance at the house as though trying to determine if he was in the right place.
“You’re Noelle’s husband?” he asked.
I chuckled, raising a hand to shake his. “Hardly. I’m said husband’s best friend.”
“Oh.” His eyes widened, and he swallowed, his face turning red. He tugged at the neck of his sweater, which fitted his form really well. I could make out the definition of muscles beneath and the hardness in his thighs from the close-fitting jeans he wore.
“You should come in.” I stepped aside. “I’m thinking you’re here to speak to Noelle?”
“She invited me to dinner.” His voice was quiet, his body brushing me slightly as he entered the house ahead of me while I closed the door.
“Dinner?”
He chuckled, the sound embarrassed. “At least I think she did. I didn’t realize she’d have other guests over.”
“According to her husband, I’m not a guest. More like family.”
Noelle appeared then, her long flowing skirt swirling around her ankles. She was fairly buzzing with excitement as she glanced from me to the other man.
“Dane, I see you’ve already met our friend, Callum,” she said, tugging her daughter from my back. “Callum is my husband’s business partner. They own that awesome little café near Battersea College called Coffee Crave.” She lowered her voice in a mock whisper. “Don’t tell my husband, but Callum is the brains behind everything. He used to be a big-shot financial adviser on Wall Street before he moved here. Tell him, Callum.”
Callum didn’t want to tell him anything. I really didn’t, as it became clear to me what tonight was all about. Noelle hadn’t just invited me over for a casual dinner with her family.
“Jesus, Noelle, what the hell did you do?” Phil came up behind his wife.
“Language in front of the kid,” she scolded him. “And I have no idea what you mean.”
“Oh, boy.” Dane looked horrified, obviously reaching the same conclusion I had. “Oh my god, Noelle, you didn’t. I told you not to interfere.”
“Then you must not know my wife too well.” Phil held out his hand to Dane. “I’m the husband, Phil, and I’m assuming my wife the matchmaker is the reason you’re here.”
How to extricate myself from this terrible situation so no one felt embarrassed? From the color that suffused Dane’s face, we were already past that point.
“I should go,” Dane said and took a step back. “This was clearly a misunderstanding, and had I known, I wouldn’t have shown up.” He looked miserable, and the poor guy avoided everyone’s eyes.
“Hey.” I placed a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. “It’s not our fault Phil’s wife is such a terrible matchmaker. I’m sure you’re a great guy, but I’m kind of…” Ashton’s face popped into my mind. I was kind of what? Ashton had disappeared on me.
“I get it. If you’re all sure it’s not a problem.”
“Positive.”
The smile I gave him was forced; I felt the tension on my lips. He was an attractive man.
If only I wasn’t so hung up on Ashton Keyes.
“You’re all such good sports about this,” Noelle piped in, eyeing Dane and me. “You sure you guys don’t have some sort of chemistry or something? I mean, how will you know unless you get together?”
“It has nothing to do with chemistry, Noelle. I’m just not emotionally available right now.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but Phil nudged her with his elbow. “Sweetie, you heard him. Why don’t we get to dinner and see if we can salvage this awkward night?”
But it wasn’t awkward at all. The kids were only too happy to have their meal before the television while the adults occupied the dining room.
While dinner did start off as uncomfortable, the food was too delicious for it to stay that way for long. Soon a healthy conversation developed among us, and I kept finding myself watching Dane, who turned out to be a pretty decent guy after all.
Apparently, he was responsible for Noelle’s haircuts, and he’d recently broken up with his boyfriend. He had a dependable spirit and seemed to be a mature guy who knew what he was after. He would make a good partner. I couldn’t picture him being drunk and crashing his car into a building.
I couldn’t even say it was zero chemistry either. He was an attractive guy. If I were inclined to sleep with him, I was certain that the sex would be good, but nothing close to what I’d had with Ashton. What we had was more than sex. Or so I’d thought, but apparently, I was wrong if he could easily disappear without letting me know that he was okay.
And yet instead of warming up to Dane, I found myself drifting away from the conversation, brooding about Ashton and where my boy was.
Chapter Thirty
Ashton
The sound of a car woke me up from where I leaned against the door of Callum’s apartment. Huddled into myself, I blinked at the bright lights of the vehicle that turned into the driveway of the café.
I pulled my coat closer to my body and felt around for my backpack. I shouldn’t have come. I should’ve left Callum alone. He could do far better than me. The last thing he needed was to worry about another boy.
I’d faithfully stayed away from him for his own good. Phil had been right when he’d said Callum would never break off our relationship. He’d feel too responsible if anything happened to me, and it had scared me, seeing Mario in that nursing home. That evening, when I found myself drinking again, I’d made up my mind.
If I wasn’t around Callum, he wouldn’t claim responsibility for me and my actions. I’d stay as far away from Callum as possible. He’d called me over and over again. It had been hell to let Daddy’s calls go unanswered. I imagined him showing up at the house, putting me over his knee, and spanking me for ignoring his calls.
But after five days, I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed my Daddy, but after avoiding him so long, I had no idea if he still wanted his boy.
Movement below caught my attention, and I peeked over into the night to get a better view. I inhaled sharply, drinking in the familiar man who came out of the car. He didn’t immediately shut the door but stood there with the door open, chatting to whoever was in the car.
My heart sank heavier than the Titanic. Wild panic hammered in my chest, a sharp pain stealing my breath when Callum’s soft chuckle reached my ears.
He sounded happy. Was he really happy without me? But what about all the text messages and the voicemails he’d sent me? I’d saved them all, but I always felt so guilty when I reread them and listened to them again. Had I imagined the anguish in his voice? Or had he simply grown tired of waiting for me?
I couldn’t even blame him if he moved on. I already knew I didn’t deserve him, didn’t deserve to be happy, but I craved it. I craved the joy he made me experience. I might not deserve it, but I didn’t want it any less. I didn’t want him any less.
Eventually, Callum shut the car door, the thud loud in the night. I peered at my watch. It was almost 11:00 p.m. I knew that the café was closed this afternoon, which meant Callum could’ve been with this person all that time.
Callum waved. The driver honked the car horn and pulled down the window as the car slowly moved forward, a hand coming out, waving back. No, no, no.
The car sped up, and only then did Callum head for the steps. My heart banged in my chest, and I glanced around frantically for a place to hide. I shouldn’t have come. This was a big mistake. He deserved to be happy with someone who wasn’t wasting his life at the bottom of a bottle.
There was nowhere to go unless I threw myself over the stairs, and that was a surefire way to kill myself. I might’ve been a lot of things, but suicidal wasn’t one of them.
Heavy footfalls thudded up the stairs. Callum appeared, but he didn’t glance up. His whole attention was focused on his phone. And then mine rang.
It was almost déjà vu the way the ringtone went off in the night. Callum’s head snapped up, and his steps faltered. He stared at me, unmoving for a couple of seconds as though processing my presence.
“You’re alive.”
I winced at the words that came out of his mouth, gulping as they hit home. I scrambled to my feet, my back against the wall, while my brain tried to find something sensible to say to him. My hunger for him, the urge to rush into his arms, held me back.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
That seemed to snap Callum out of his stupor. He continued up the stairs and stopped just in front of me. “Aren’t people like you always sorry?”
I winced at his bitter tone. People like me? I couldn’t protest because I deserved it. “I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m truly sorry.”
He gave up trying to insert his key into the keyhole and turned to me. “For what, Ashton? What exactly are you sorry for?”
I’d expected him to snap at me, show how pissed he was at what I’d done, but his voice was calm. Did his calmness have to do with that driver? Had he already moved on? It would explain why he no longer seemed to care.
“For everything.” I licked my lips.
“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific than that, boy.”
From the way his frown deepened, I could tell he hadn’t meant to call me that, but the words were already out and gave my confidence a little boost. Maybe he wasn’t completely lost to me. Maybe I could fix this.
“I’m sorry I disappeared.” I moved toward him but stopped when he took a step back. “I-I-I…”
“You what, Ashton?” he demanded, the tension in his voice unraveling. “I was worried sick that something bad had happened to you. You left me hanging when I sent you so many messages and called you so many times. And it didn’t occur to you once to send me a message that you were okay? Is that what you’re sorry for, Ashton?”
Tears pricked my eyes, and a deep sense of shame descended on me like a soggy blanket, weighing me down with guilt.
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