A Tramp Abroad

by Mark Twain

  CHAPTER XIII

  [My Long Crawl in the Dark]

  When we got back to the hotel I wound and set the pedometer and putit in my pocket, for I was to carry it next day and keep record of themiles we made. The work which we had given the instrument to do duringthe day which had just closed had not fatigued it perceptibly.

  We were in bed by ten, for we wanted to be up and away on our tramphomeward with the dawn. I hung fire, but Harris went to sleep at once.I hate a man who goes to sleep at once; there is a sort of indefinablesomething about it which is not exactly an insult, and yet is aninsolence; and one which is hard to bear, too. I lay there frettingover this injury, and trying to go to sleep; but the harder I tried, thewider awake I grew. I got to feeling very lonely in the dark, with nocompany but an undigested dinner. My mind got a start by and by, andbegan to consider the beginning of every subject which has ever beenthought of; but it never went further than the beginning; it was touchand go; it fled from topic to topic with a frantic speed. At the end ofan hour my head was in a perfect whirl and I was dead tired, fagged out.

  The fatigue was so great that it presently began to make some headagainst the nervous excitement; while imagining myself wide awake, Iwould really doze into momentary unconsciousness, and come suddenly outof it with a physical jerk which nearly wrenched my joints apart--thedelusion of the instant being that I was tumbling backward over aprecipice. After I had fallen over eight or nine precipices and thusfound out that one half of my brain had been asleep eight or nine timeswithout the wide-awake, hard-working other half suspecting it, theperiodical unconsciousnesses began to extend their spell gradually overmore of my brain-territory, and at last I sank into a drowse which grewdeeper and deeper and was doubtless just on the very point of being asolid, blessed dreamless stupor, when--what was that?

  My dulled faculties dragged themselves partly back to life and took areceptive attitude. Now out of an immense, a limitless distance, camea something which grew and grew, and approached, and presently wasrecognizable as a sound--it had rather seemed to be a feeling, before.This sound was a mile away, now--perhaps it was the murmur of a storm;and now it was nearer--not a quarter of a mile away; was it the muffledrasping and grinding of distant machinery? No, it came still nearer; wasit the measured tramp of a marching troop? But it came nearer still,and still nearer--and at last it was right in the room: it was merelya mouse gnawing the woodwork. So I had held my breath all that time forsuch a trifle.

  Well, what was done could not be helped; I would go to sleep at once andmake up the lost time. That was a thoughtless thought. Without intendingit--hardly knowing it--I fell to listening intently to that sound, andeven unconsciously counting the strokes of the mouse's nutmeg-grater.Presently I was deriving exquisite suffering from this employment, yetmaybe I could have endured it if the mouse had attended steadily tohis work; but he did not do that; he stopped every now and then, and Isuffered more while waiting and listening for him to begin again thanI did while he was gnawing. Along at first I was mentally offering areward of five--six--seven--ten--dollars for that mouse; but towardthe last I was offering rewards which were entirely beyond my means. Iclose-reefed my ears--that is to say, I bent the flaps of them downand furled them into five or six folds, and pressed them against thehearing-orifice--but it did no good: the faculty was so sharpenedby nervous excitement that it was become a microphone and could hearthrough the overlays without trouble.

  My anger grew to a frenzy. I finally did what all persons before me havedone, clear back to Adam,--resolved to throw something. I reached downand got my walking-shoes, then sat up in bed and listened, in order toexactly locate the noise. But I couldn't do it; it was as unlocatable asa cricket's noise; and where one thinks that that is, is always the veryplace where it isn't. So I presently hurled a shoe at random, and witha vicious vigor. It struck the wall over Harris's head and fell down onhim; I had not imagined I could throw so far. It woke Harris, and I wasglad of it until I found he was not angry; then I was sorry. He soonwent to sleep again, which pleased me; but straightway the mouse beganagain, which roused my temper once more. I did not want to wake Harrisa second time, but the gnawing continued until I was compelled to throwthe other shoe.

  This time I broke a mirror--there were two in the room--I got thelargest one, of course. Harris woke again, but did not complain, andI was sorrier than ever. I resolved that I would suffer all possibletorture before I would disturb him a third time.

  The mouse eventually retired, and by and by I was sinking to sleep, whena clock began to strike; I counted till it was done, and was about todrowse again when another clock began; I counted; then the two great_Rathhaus_ clock angels began to send forth soft, rich, melodious blastsfrom their long trumpets. I had never heard anything that was so lovely,or weird, or mysterious--but when they got to blowing the quarter-hours,they seemed to me to be overdoing the thing. Every time I droppedoff for the moment, a new noise woke me. Each time I woke I missed mycoverlet, and had to reach down to the floor and get it again.

  At last all sleepiness forsook me. I recognized the fact that I washopelessly and permanently wide awake. Wide awake, and feverish andthirsty. When I had lain tossing there as long as I could endure it, itoccurred to me that it would be a good idea to dress and go out in thegreat square and take a refreshing wash in the fountain, and smoke andreflect there until the remnant of the night was gone.

  I believed I could dress in the dark without waking Harris. I hadbanished my shoes after the mouse, but my slippers would do for a summernight. So I rose softly, and gradually got on everything--down to onesock. I couldn't seem to get on the track of that sock, any way I couldfix it. But I had to have it; so I went down on my hands and knees, withone slipper on and the other in my hand, and began to paw gently aroundand rake the floor, but with no success. I enlarged my circle, and wenton pawing and raking. With every pressure of my knee, how the floorcreaked! and every time I chanced to rake against any article, it seemedto give out thirty-five or thirty-six times more noise than it wouldhave done in the daytime. In those cases I always stopped and heldmy breath till I was sure Harris had not awakened--then I crept alongagain. I moved on and on, but I could not find the sock; I could notseem to find anything but furniture. I could not remember that there wasmuch furniture in the room when I went to bed, but the place was alivewith it now--especially chairs--chairs everywhere--had a couple offamilies moved in, in the mean time? And I never could seem to _glance_on one of those chairs, but always struck it full and square with myhead. My temper rose, by steady and sure degrees, and as I pawed on andon, I fell to making vicious comments under my breath.

  Finally, with a venomous access of irritation, I said I would leavewithout the sock; so I rose up and made straight for the door--as Isupposed--and suddenly confronted my dim spectral image in the unbrokenmirror. It startled the breath out of me, for an instant; it also showedme that I was lost, and had no sort of idea where I was. When I realizedthis, I was so angry that I had to sit down on the floor and take holdof something to keep from lifting the roof off with an explosion ofopinion. If there had been only one mirror, it might possibly havehelped to locate me; but there were two, and two were as bad as athousand; besides, these were on opposite sides of the room. I could seethe dim blur of the windows, but in my turned-around condition they wereexactly where they ought not to be, and so they only confused me insteadof helping me.

  I started to get up, and knocked down an umbrella; it made a noiselike a pistol-shot when it struck that hard, slick, carpetless floor;I grated my teeth and held my breath--Harris did not stir. I set theumbrella slowly and carefully on end against the wall, but as soon asI took my hand away, its heel slipped from under it, and down it cameagain with another bang. I shrunk together and listened a moment insilent fury--no harm done, everything quiet. With the most painstakingcare and nicety, I stood the umbrella up once more, took my hand away,and down it came again.

  I have been strictly reared, but if it had not been so d
ark and solemnand awful there in that lonely, vast room, I do believe I should havesaid something then which could not be put into a Sunday-school bookwithout injuring the sale of it. If my reasoning powers had not beenalready sapped dry by my harassments, I would have known better than totry to set an umbrella on end on one of those glassy German floors inthe dark; it can't be done in the daytime without four failures to onesuccess. I had one comfort, though--Harris was yet still and silent--hehad not stirred.

  The umbrella could not locate me--there were four standing around theroom, and all alike. I thought I would feel along the wall and find thedoor in that way. I rose up and began this operation, but raked downa picture. It was not a large one, but it made noise enough for apanorama. Harris gave out no sound, but I felt that if I experimentedany further with the pictures I should be sure to wake him. Better giveup trying to get out. Yes, I would find King Arthur's Round Table oncemore--I had already found it several times--and use it for a base ofdeparture on an exploring tour for my bed; if I could find my bed Icould then find my water pitcher; I would quench my raging thirst andturn in. So I started on my hands and knees, because I could go fasterthat way, and with more confidence, too, and not knock down things. Byand by I found the table--with my head--rubbed the bruise a little, thenrose up and started, with hands abroad and fingers spread, to balancemyself. I found a chair; then a wall; then another chair; then a sofa;then an alpenstock, then another sofa; this confounded me, for I hadthought there was only one sofa. I hunted up the table again and took afresh start; found some more chairs.

  It occurred to me, now, as it ought to have done before, that as thetable was round, it was therefore of no value as a base to aim from; soI moved off once more, and at random among the wilderness of chairs andsofas--wandering off into unfamiliar regions, and presently knocked acandlestick and knocked off a lamp, grabbed at the lamp and knockedoff a water pitcher with a rattling crash, and thought to myself,"I've found you at last--I judged I was close upon you." Harris shouted"murder," and "thieves," and finished with "I'm absolutely drowned."

  The crash had roused the house. Mr. X pranced in, in his longnight-garment, with a candle, young Z after him with another candle; aprocession swept in at another door, with candles and lanterns--landlordand two German guests in their nightgowns and a chambermaid in hers.

  I looked around; I was at Harris's bed, a Sabbath-day's journey from myown. There was only one sofa; it was against the wall; there was onlyone chair where a body could get at it--I had been revolving around itlike a planet, and colliding with it like a comet half the night.

  I explained how I had been employing myself, and why. Then thelandlord's party left, and the rest of us set about our preparations forbreakfast, for the dawn was ready to break. I glanced furtively at mypedometer, and found I had made 47 miles. But I did not care, for I hadcome out for a pedestrian tour anyway.