A Tramp Abroad

by Mark Twain

  CHAPTER XXX

  [Harris Climbs Mountains for Me]

  An hour's sail brought us to Lucerne again. I judged it best to go tobed and rest several days, for I knew that the man who undertakes tomake the tour of Europe on foot must take care of himself.

  Thinking over my plans, as mapped out, I perceived that they did nottake in the Furka Pass, the Rhone Glacier, the Finsteraarhorn, theWetterhorn, etc. I immediately examined the guide-book to see if thesewere important, and found they were; in fact, a pedestrian tour ofEurope could not be complete without them. Of course that decided me atonce to see them, for I never allow myself to do things by halves, or ina slurring, slipshod way.

  I called in my agent and instructed him to go without delay and make acareful examination of these noted places, on foot, and bring me back awritten report of the result, for insertion in my book. I instructedhim to go to Hospenthal as quickly as possible, and make his grand startfrom there; to extend his foot expedition as far as the Giesbach fall,and return to me from thence by diligence or mule. I told him to takethe courier with him.

  He objected to the courier, and with some show of reason, since he wasabout to venture upon new and untried ground; but I thought he mightas well learn how to take care of the courier now as later, therefore Ienforced my point. I said that the trouble, delay, and inconvenienceof traveling with a courier were balanced by the deep respect which acourier's presence commands, and I must insist that as much style bethrown into my journeys as possible.

  So the two assumed complete mountaineering costumes and departed. A weeklater they returned, pretty well used up, and my agent handed me thefollowing:

  Official Report

  OF A VISIT TO THE FURKA REGION.

  By H. Harris, Agent

  About seven o'clock in the morning, with perfectly fine weather, westarted from Hospenthal, and arrived at the _maison_ on the Furka ina little under _quatre_ hours. The want of variety in the sceneryfrom Hospenthal made the _Kahkahponeeka_ wearisome; but let none bediscouraged; no one can fail to be completely _r'ecompens'ee_ for hisfatigue, when he sees, for the first time, the monarch of the Oberland,the tremendous Finsteraarhorn. A moment before all was dullness, but a_pas_ further has placed us on the summit of the Furka; and exactlyin front of us, at a _hopow_ of only fifteen miles, this magnificentmountain lifts its snow-wreathed precipices into the deep blue sky. Theinferior mountains on each side of the pass form a sort of frame for thepicture of their dread lord, and close in the view so completely thatno other prominent feature in the Oberland is visible from this_bong-a-bong_; nothing withdraws the attention from the solitarygrandeur of the Finsteraarhorn and the dependent spurs which form theabutments of the central peak.

  With the addition of some others, who were also bound for the Grimsel,we formed a large _xhvloj_ as we descended the _steg_ which winds roundthe shoulder of a mountain toward the Rhone Glacier. We soon left thepath and took to the ice; and after wandering amongst the crevices _unpeu_, to admire the wonders of these deep blue caverns, and hear therushing of waters through their subglacial channels, we struck out acourse toward _l'autre cravasse_ and crossed the glacier successfully, alittle above the cave from which the infant Rhone takes its first boundfrom under the grand precipice of ice. Half a mile below this we beganto climb the flowery side of the Meienwand. One of our party startedbefore the rest, but the _hitze_ was so great, that we found _ihm_ quiteexhausted, and lying at full length in the shade of a large _gestein_.We sat down with him for a time, for all felt the heat exceedingly inthe climb up this very steep _bolwoggoly_, and then we set out againtogether, and arrived at last near the Dead Man's Lake, at the footof the Sidelhorn. This lonely spot, once used for an extemporeburying-place, after a sanguinary _battue_ between the French andAustrians, is the perfection of desolation; there is nothing in sight tomark the hand of man, except the line of weather-beaten whitened posts,set up to indicate the direction of the pass in the _owdawakk_ ofwinter. Near this point the footpath joins the wider track, whichconnects the Grimsel with the head of the Rhone _schnawp_; this has beencarefully constructed, and leads with a tortuous course among and over_les pierres_, down to the bank of the gloomy little swosh-swosh, whichalmost washes against the walls of the Grimsel Hospice. We arrived alittle before four o'clock at the end of our day's journey, hot enoughto justify the step, taking by most of the _partie_, of plunging intothe crystal water of the snow-fed lake.

  The next afternoon we started for a walk up the Unteraar glacier, withthe intention of, at all events, getting as far as the Hutte which isused as a sleeping-place by most of those who cross the StrahleckPass to Grindelwald. We got over the tedious collection of stones and_d?bris_ which covers the _pied_ of the _gletcher_, and had walkednearly three hours from the Grimsel, when, just as we were thinking ofcrossing over to the right, to climb the cliffs at the foot of the hut,the clouds, which had for some time assumed a threatening appearance,suddenly dropped, and a huge mass of them, driving toward us fromthe Finsteraarhorn, poured down a deluge of _haboolong_ and hail.Fortunately, we were not far from a very large glacier-table; it was ahuge rock balanced on a pedestal of ice high enough to admit of ourall creeping under it for _gowkarak_. A stream of _puckittypukk_ hadfurrowed a course for itself in the ice at its base, and we were obligedto stand with one _fuss_ on each side of this, and endeavor to keepourselves _chaud_ by cutting steps in the steep bank of the pedestal, soas to get a higher place for standing on, as the _wasser_ rose rapidlyin its trench. A very cold _bzzzzzzzzeee_ accompanied the storm, andmade our position far from pleasant; and presently came a flash of_blitzen_, apparently in the middle of our little party, with aninstantaneous clap of _yokky_, sounding like a large gun fired close toour ears; the effect was startling; but in a few seconds our attentionwas fixed by the roaring echoes of the thunder against the tremendousmountains which completely surrounded us. This was followed by many morebursts, none of _welche_, however, was so dangerously near; and afterwaiting a long _demi_-hour in our icy prison, we sallied out to talkthrough a _haboolong_ which, though not so heavy as before, was quiteenough to give us a thorough soaking before our arrival at the Hospice.

  The Grimsel is _certainement_ a wonderful place; situated at thebottom of a sort of huge crater, the sides of which are utterly savage_gebirge_, composed of barren rocks which cannot even support a singlepine _arbre_, and afford only scanty food for a herd of _gmwkwllolp_,it looks as if it must be completely _begraben_ in the winter snows.Enormous avalanches fall against it every spring, sometimes coveringeverything to the depth of thirty or forty feet; and, in spite of wallsfour feet thick, and furnished with outside shutters, the two men whostay here when the _voyageurs_ are snugly quartered in their distanthomes can tell you that the snow sometimes shakes the house to itsfoundations.

  Next morning the _hogglebumgullup_ still continued bad, but we madeup our minds to go on, and make the best of it. Half an hour after westarted, the _regen_ thickened unpleasantly, and we attempted to getshelter under a projecting rock, but being far to _nass_ already tomake standing at all _agr?able_, we pushed on for the Handeck, consolingourselves with the reflection that from the furious rushing of the riverAar at our side, we should at all events see the celebrated _wasserfall_in _grande perfection_. Nor were we _nappersocket_ in our expectation;the water was roaring down its leap of two hundred and fifty feet in amost magnificent frenzy, while the trees which cling to its rocky sidesswayed to and fro in the violence of the hurricane which it brought downwith it; even the stream, which falls into the main cascade at rightangles, and _toutefois_ forms a beautiful feature in the scene, was nowswollen into a raging torrent; and the violence of this "meeting of thewaters," about fifty feet below the frail bridge where we stood, wasfearfully grand. While we were looking at it, _gl?ecklicheweise_ a gleamof sunshine came out, and instantly a beautiful rainbow was formed bythe spray, and hung in mid-air suspended over the awful gorge.

  On going into the _chalet_ above the fall, we were informed that a_bruecke_ ha
d broken down near Guttanen, and that it would be impossibleto proceed for some time; accordingly we were kept in our drenchedcondition for _ein stunde_, when some _voyageurs_ arrived fromMeiringen, and told us that there had been a trifling accident, _aber_that we could now cross. On arriving at the spot, I was much inclinedto suspect that the whole story was a ruse to make us _slowwk_ and drinkthe more at the Handeck Inn, for only a few planks had been carriedaway, and though there might perhaps have been some difficulty withmules, the gap was certainly not larger than a _mmbglx_ might cross witha very slight leap. Near Guttanen the _haboolong_ happily ceased, and wehad time to walk ourselves tolerably dry before arriving at Reichenback,_so_ we enjoyed a good _din?r_ at the Hotel des Alps.

  Next morning we walked to Rosenlaui, the _beau id?al_ of Swiss scenery,where we spent the middle of the day in an excursion to the glacier.This was more beautiful than words can describe, for in the constantprogress of the ice it has changed the form of its extremity and formeda vast cavern, as blue as the sky above, and rippled like a frozenocean. A few steps cut in the _whoopjamboreehoo_ enabled us to walkcompletely under this, and feast our eyes upon one of the loveliestobjects in creation. The glacier was all around divided by numberlessfissures of the same exquisite color, and the finest wood-_erdbeeren_were growing in abundance but a few yards from the ice. The inn standsin a _charmant_ spot close to the _Cot? de la rivi?re_, which, lowerdown, forms the Reichenbach fall, and embosomed in the richest ofpine woods, while the fine form of the Wellhorn looking down upon itcompletes the enchanting _bopple_. In the afternoon we walked over theGreat Scheideck to Grindelwald, stopping to pay a visit to the Upperglacier by the way; but we were again overtaken by bad _hogglebumgullup_and arrived at the hotel in a _solche_ a state that the landlord'swardrobe was in great request.

  The clouds by this time seemed to have done their worst, for a lovelyday succeeded, which we determined to devote to an ascent of theFaulhorn. We left Grindelwald just as a thunder-storm was dying away,and we hoped to find _guten wetter_ up above; but the rain, which hadnearly ceased, began again, and we were struck by the rapidly increasing_froid_ as we ascended. Two-thirds of the way up were completed whenthe rain was exchanged for _gnillic_, with which the _boden_ was thicklycovered, and before we arrived at the top the _gnillic_ and mist becameso thick that we could not see one another at more than twenty _poopoo_distance, and it became difficult to pick our way over the rough andthickly covered ground. Shivering with cold, we turned into bed with adouble allowance of clothes, and slept comfortably while the wind howled_autour de la maison_; when I awoke, the wall and the window lookedequally dark, but in another hour I found I could just see the formof the latter; so I jumped out of bed, and forced it open, though withgreat difficulty from the frost and the quantities of _gnillic_ heapedup against it.

  A row of huge icicles hung down from the edge of the roof, and anythingmore wintry than the whole _anblick_ could not well be imagined; but thesudden appearance of the great mountains in front was so startlingthat I felt no inclination to move toward bed again. The snow whichhad collected upon _la f?netre_ had increased the _finsterniss oder derdunkelheit_, so that when I looked out I was surprised to find that thedaylight was considerable, and that the _balragoomah_ would evidentlyrise before long. Only the brightest of _les ?toiles_ were stillshining; the sky was cloudless overhead, though small curling mists laythousands of feet below us in the valleys, wreathed around the feet ofthe mountains, and adding to the splendor of their lofty summits. Wewere soon dressed and out of the house, watching the gradual approach ofdawn, thoroughly absorbed in the first near view of the Oberland giants,which broke upon us unexpectedly after the intense obscurity of theevening before. "_Kabaugwakko songwashee kum wetterhorn snawpo_!" criedsome one, as that grand summit gleamed with the first rose of dawn;and in a few moments the double crest of the Schreckhorn followed itsexample; peak after peak seemed warmed with life, the Jungfrau blushedeven more beautifully than her neighbors, and soon, from the Wetterhornin the east to the Wildstrubel in the west, a long row of fires glowedupon mighty altars, truly worthy of the gods.

  The _wlgw_ was very severe; our sleeping-place could hardly be_distingue?_ from the snow around it, which had fallen to a depth ofa _flirk_ during the past evening, and we heartily enjoyed a roughscramble _en bas_ to the Giesbach falls, where we soon found a warmclimate. At noon the day before Grindelwald the thermometer couldnot have stood at less than 100 degrees Fahr. in the sun; and in theevening, judging from the icicles formed, and the state of the windows,there must have been at least twelve _dingblatter_ of frost, thus givinga change of 80 degrees during a few hours.

  I said:

  "You have done well, Harris; this report is concise, compact, wellexpressed; the language is crisp, the descriptions are vivid and notneedlessly elaborated; your report goes straight to the point, attendsstrictly to business, and doesn't fool around. It is in many ways anexcellent document. But it has a fault--it is too learned, it is muchtoo learned. What is '_dingblatter_'?

  "'_Dingblatter_' is a Fiji word meaning 'degrees.'"

  "You knew the English of it, then?"

  "Oh, yes."

  "What is '_gnillic_'?

  "That is the Eskimo term for 'snow.'"

  "So you knew the English for that, too?"

  "Why, certainly."

  "What does '_mmbglx_' stand for?"

  "That is Zulu for 'pedestrian.'"

  "'While the form of the Wellhorn looking down upon it completes theenchanting _bopple_.' What is '_bopple_'?"

  "'Picture.' It's Choctaw."

  "What is '_schnawp_'?"

  "'Valley.' That is Choctaw, also."

  "What is '_bolwoggoly_'?"

  "That is Chinese for 'hill.'"

  "'_kahkahponeeka_'?"

  "'Ascent.' Choctaw."

  "'But we were again overtaken by bad _hogglebumgullup_.' What does'_hogglebumgullup_' mean?"

  "That is Chinese for 'weather.'"

  "Is '_hogglebumgullup_' better than the English word? Is it any moredescriptive?"

  "No, it means just the same."

  "And '_dingblatter' and 'gnillic,' and 'bopple,' and 'schnawp_'--arethey better than the English words?"

  "No, they mean just what the English ones do."

  "Then why do you use them? Why have you used all this Chinese andChoctaw and Zulu rubbish?"

  "Because I didn't know any French but two or three words, and I didn'tknow any Latin or Greek at all."

  "That is nothing. Why should you want to use foreign words, anyhow?"

  "They adorn my page. They all do it."

  "Who is 'all'?"

  "Everybody. Everybody that writes elegantly. Anybody has a right to thatwants to."

  "I think you are mistaken." I then proceeded in the following scathingmanner. "When really learned men write books for other learned mento read, they are justified in using as many learned words as theyplease--their audience will understand them; but a man who writes a bookfor the general public to read is not justified in disfiguring his pageswith untranslated foreign expressions. It is an insolence toward themajority of the purchasers, for it is a very frank and impudent way ofsaying, 'Get the translations made yourself if you want them, thisbook is not written for the ignorant classes.' There are men who knowa foreign language so well and have used it so long in their dailylife that they seem to discharge whole volleys of it into their Englishwritings unconsciously, and so they omit to translate, as much ashalf the time. That is a great cruelty to nine out of ten of the man'sreaders. What is the excuse for this? The writer would say he only usesthe foreign language where the delicacy of his point cannot be conveyedin English. Very well, then he writes his best things for the tenth man,and he ought to warn the nine other not to buy his book. However, theexcuse he offers is at least an excuse; but there is another set ofmen who are like _you_; they know a _word_ here and there, of a foreignlanguage, or a few beggarly little three-word phrases, filched from theback of the Dictionary, and these are c
ontinually peppering into theirliterature, with a pretense of knowing that language--what excuse canthey offer? The foreign words and phrases which they use have theirexact equivalents in a nobler language--English; yet they think they'adorn their page' when they say _strasse_ for street, and _bahnhof_ forrailway-station, and so on--flaunting these fluttering rags of povertyin the reader's face and imagining he will be ass enough to takethem for the sign of untold riches held in reserve. I will let your'learning' remain in your report; you have as much right, I suppose, to'adorn your page' with Zulu and Chinese and Choctaw rubbish as others ofyour sort have to adorn theirs with insolent odds and ends smouched fromhalf a dozen learned tongues whose _a-b abs_ they don't even know."

  When the musing spider steps upon the red-hot shovel, he first exhibitsa wild surprise, then he shrivels up. Similar was the effect of theseblistering words upon the tranquil and unsuspecting Agent. I can bedreadfully rough on a person when the mood takes me.