A Tramp Abroad

by Mark Twain

  CHAPTER XXXVII

  [Our Imposing Column Starts Upward]

  After I had finished my readings, I was no longer myself; I was tranced,uplifted, intoxicated, by the almost incredible perils and adventuresI had been following my authors through, and the triumphs I had beensharing with them. I sat silent some time, then turned to Harris andsaid:

  "My mind is made up."

  Something in my tone struck him: and when he glanced at my eye andread what was written there, his face paled perceptibly. He hesitated amoment, then said:

  "Speak."

  I answered, with perfect calmness:

  "I will ascend the Riffelberg."

  If I had shot my poor friend he could not have fallen from his chairmore suddenly. If I had been his father he could not have pleaded harderto get me to give up my purpose. But I turned a deaf ear to all he said.When he perceived at last that nothing could alter my determination, heceased to urge, and for a while the deep silence was broken only by hissobs. I sat in marble resolution, with my eyes fixed upon vacancy, forin spirit I was already wrestling with the perils of the mountains, andmy friend sat gazing at me in adoring admiration through his tears.At last he threw himself upon me in a loving embrace and exclaimed inbroken tones:

  "Your Harris will never desert you. We will die together."

  I cheered the noble fellow with praises, and soon his fears wereforgotten and he was eager for the adventure. He wanted to summon theguides at once and leave at two in the morning, as he supposed thecustom was; but I explained that nobody was looking at that hour; andthat the start in the dark was not usually made from the village butfrom the first night's resting-place on the mountain side. I said wewould leave the village at 3 or 4 P.M. on the morrow; meantime he couldnotify the guides, and also let the public know of the attempt which weproposed to make.

  I went to bed, but not to sleep. No man can sleep when he is about toundertake one of these Alpine exploits. I tossed feverishly all nightlong, and was glad enough when I heard the clock strike half past elevenand knew it was time to get up for dinner. I rose, jaded and rusty, andwent to the noon meal, where I found myself the center of interest andcuriosity; for the news was already abroad. It is not easy to eat calmlywhen you are a lion; but it is very pleasant, nevertheless.

  As usual, at Zermatt, when a great ascent is about to be undertaken,everybody, native and foreign, laid aside his own projects and took upa good position to observe the start. The expedition consisted of 198persons, including the mules; or 205, including the cows. As follows:

  ? CHIEFS OF SERVICE ? SUBORDINATES

  ? Myself 1 Veterinary Surgeon ? Mr. Harris 1 Butler 17 Guides 12 Waiters4 Surgeons 1 Footman 1 Geologist?????? 1 Barber 1 Botanist 1 Head Cook3 Chaplains 9 Assistants 2 Draftsman 4 Pastry Cooks 15 Barkeepers 1Confectionery Artist 1 Latinist

  ? TRANSPORTATION, ETC.

  27 Porters 3 Coarse Washers and Ironers 44 Mules 1 Fine ditto 44Muleteers 7 Cows ? ? 2 Milkers Total, 154 men, 51 animals. Grand Total,205.

  ? ??RATIONS, ETC.?APPARATUS

  16 Cases Hams 25 Spring Mattresses 2 Barrels Flour 2 Hair ditto 22Barrels Whiskey ? Bedding for same 1 Barrel Sugar 2 Mosquito-nets 1 KegLemons 29 Tents 2,000???? Cigars ? Scientific Instruments 1 Barrel Pies97 Ice-axes 1 Ton of Pemmican 5 Cases Dynamite 143 Pair Crutches 7 CansNitroglycerin 2 Barrels Arnica 22 40-foot Ladders 1 Bale of Lint 2 Milesof Rope 27 Kegs Paregoric 154 Umbrellas

  It was full four o'clock in the afternoon before my cavalcade wasentirely ready. At that hour it began to move. In point of numbers andspectacular effect, it was the most imposing expedition that had evermarched from Zermatt.

  I commanded the chief guide to arrange the men and animals in singlefile, twelve feet apart, and lash them all together on a strong rope. Heobjected that the first two miles was a dead level, with plenty of room,and that the rope was never used except in very dangerous places. ButI would not listen to that. My reading had taught me that many seriousaccidents had happened in the Alps simply from not having the peopletied up soon enough; I was not going to add one to the list. The guidethen obeyed my order.

  When the procession stood at ease, roped together, and ready to move, Inever saw a finer sight. It was 3,122 feet long--over half a mile; everyman and me was on foot, and had on his green veil and his blue goggles,and his white rag around his hat, and his coil of rope over one shoulderand under the other, and his ice-ax in his belt, and carried hisalpenstock in his left hand, his umbrella (closed) in his right, and hiscrutches slung at his back. The burdens of the pack-mules and the hornsof the cows were decked with the Edelweiss and the Alpine rose.

  I and my agent were the only persons mounted. We were in the post ofdanger in the extreme rear, and tied securely to five guides apiece. Ourarmor-bearers carried our ice-axes, alpenstocks, and other implementsfor us. We were mounted upon very small donkeys, as a measure of safety;in time of peril we could straighten our legs and stand up, and letthe donkey walk from under. Still, I cannot recommend this sort ofanimal--at least for excursions of mere pleasure--because hisears interrupt the view. I and my agent possessed the regulationmountaineering costumes, but concluded to leave them behind. Out ofrespect for the great numbers of tourists of both sexes who would beassembled in front of the hotels to see us pass, and also out of respectfor the many tourists whom we expected to encounter on our expedition,we decided to make the ascent in evening dress.

  We watered the caravan at the cold stream which rushes down a troughnear the end of the village, and soon afterward left the haunts ofcivilization behind us. About half past five o'clock we arrived at abridge which spans the Visp, and after throwing over a detachment to seeif it was safe, the caravan crossed without accident. The way now led,by a gentle ascent, carpeted with fresh green grass, to the church atWinkelmatten. Without stopping to examine this edifice, I executeda flank movement to the right and crossed the bridge over theFindelenbach, after first testing its strength. Here I deployed to theright again, and presently entered an inviting stretch of meadowlandwhich was unoccupied save by a couple of deserted huts toward thefurthest extremity. These meadows offered an excellent camping-place.We pitched our tents, supped, established a proper grade, recorded theevents of the day, and then went to bed.

  We rose at two in the morning and dressed by candle-light. It was adismal and chilly business. A few stars were shining, but the generalheavens were overcast, and the great shaft of the Matterhorn was drapedin a cable pall of clouds. The chief guide advised a delay; he said hefeared it was going to rain. We waited until nine o'clock, and then gotaway in tolerably clear weather.

  Our course led up some terrific steeps, densely wooded with larches andcedars, and traversed by paths which the rains had guttered and whichwere obstructed by loose stones. To add to the danger and inconvenience,we were constantly meeting returning tourists on foot and horseback, andas constantly being crowded and battered by ascending tourists who werein a hurry and wanted to get by.

  Our troubles thickened. About the middle of the afternoon the seventeenguides called a halt and held a consultation. After consulting an hourthey said their first suspicion remained intact--that is to say, theybelieved they were lost. I asked if they did not _know_ it? No, theysaid, they _couldn't_ absolutely know whether they were lost or not,because none of them had ever been in that part of the country before.They had a strong instinct that they were lost, but they had noproofs--except that they did not know where they were. They had met notourists for some time, and they considered that a suspicious sign.

  Plainly we were in an ugly fix. The guides were naturally unwilling togo alone and seek a way out of the difficulty; so we all went together.For better security we moved slow and cautiously, for the forest wasvery dense. We did not move up the mountain, but around it, hoping tostrike across the old trail. Toward nightfall, when we were about tiredout, we came up against a rock as big as a cottage. This barrier tookall the remaining spirit out of the men, and a panic of fear and despairensued. They moaned and wept, and sa
id they should never see their homesand their dear ones again. Then they began to upbraid me for bringingthem upon this fatal expedition. Some even muttered threats against me.

  Clearly it was no time to show weakness. So I made a speech in which Isaid that other Alp-climbers had been in as perilous a position as this,and yet by courage and perseverance had escaped. I promised to standby them, I promised to rescue them. I closed by saying we had plentyof provisions to maintain us for quite a siege--and did they supposeZermatt would allow half a mile of men and mules to mysteriouslydisappear during any considerable time, right above their noses, andmake no inquiries? No, Zermatt would send out searching-expeditions andwe should be saved.

  This speech had a great effect. The men pitched the tents with somelittle show of cheerfulness, and we were snugly under cover when thenight shut down. I now reaped the reward of my wisdom in providing onearticle which is not mentioned in any book of Alpine adventure but this.I refer to the paregoric. But for that beneficent drug, would have notone of those men slept a moment during that fearful night. But for thatgentle persuader they must have tossed, unsoothed, the night through;for the whiskey was for me. Yes, they would have risen in the morningunfitted for their heavy task. As it was, everybody slept but my agentand me--only we and the barkeepers. I would not permit myself to sleepat such a time. I considered myself responsible for all those lives. Imeant to be on hand and ready, in case of avalanches up there, but I didnot know it then.

  We watched the weather all through that awful night, and kept an eye onthe barometer, to be prepared for the least change. There was not theslightest change recorded by the instrument, during the whole time.Words cannot describe the comfort that that friendly, hopeful, steadfastthing was to me in that season of trouble. It was a defective barometer,and had no hand but the stationary brass pointer, but I did not knowthat until afterward. If I should be in such a situation again, I shouldnot wish for any barometer but that one.

  All hands rose at two in the morning and took breakfast, and as soon asit was light we roped ourselves together and went at that rock. For sometime we tried the hook-rope and other means of scaling it, but withoutsuccess--that is, without perfect success. The hook caught once, andHarris started up it hand over hand, but the hold broke and if therehad not happened to be a chaplain sitting underneath at the time, Harriswould certainly have been crippled. As it was, it was the chaplain. Hetook to his crutches, and I ordered the hook-rope to be laid aside. Itwas too dangerous an implement where so many people are standing around.

  We were puzzled for a while; then somebody thought of the ladders.One of these was leaned against the rock, and the men went up it tiedtogether in couples. Another ladder was sent up for use in descending.At the end of half an hour everybody was over, and that rock wasconquered. We gave our first grand shout of triumph. But the joy wasshort-lived, for somebody asked how we were going to get the animalsover.

  This was a serious difficulty; in fact, it was an impossibility.The courage of the men began to waver immediately; once more we werethreatened with a panic. But when the danger was most imminent, we weresaved in a mysterious way. A mule which had attracted attention from thebeginning by its disposition to experiment, tried to eat a five-poundcan of nitroglycerin. This happened right alongside the rock. Theexplosion threw us all to the ground, and covered us with dirt anddebris; it frightened us extremely, too, for the crash it made wasdeafening, and the violence of the shock made the ground tremble.However, we were grateful, for the rock was gone. Its place was occupiedby a new cellar, about thirty feet across, by fifteen feet deep. Theexplosion was heard as far as Zermatt; and an hour and a half afterward,many citizens of that town were knocked down and quite seriously injuredby descending portions of mule meat, frozen solid. This shows, betterthan any estimate in figures, how high the experimenter went.

  We had nothing to do, now, but bridge the cellar and proceed on our way.With a cheer the men went at their work. I attended to the engineering,myself. I appointed a strong detail to cut down trees with ice-axes andtrim them for piers to support the bridge. This was a slow business, forice-axes are not good to cut wood with. I caused my piers to be firmlyset up in ranks in the cellar, and upon them I laid six of my forty-footladders, side by side, and laid six more on top of them. Upon thisbridge I caused a bed of boughs to be spread, and on top of the boughsa bed of earth six inches deep. I stretched ropes upon either side toserve as railings, and then my bridge was complete. A train of elephantscould have crossed it in safety and comfort. By nightfall the caravanwas on the other side and the ladders were taken up.

  Next morning we went on in good spirits for a while, though our waywas slow and difficult, by reason of the steep and rocky nature of theground and the thickness of the forest; but at last a dull despondencycrept into the men's faces and it was apparent that not only they, buteven the guides, were now convinced that we were lost. The fact that westill met no tourists was a circumstance that was but too significant.Another thing seemed to suggest that we were not only lost, but verybadly lost; for there must surely be searching-parties on the roadbefore this time, yet we had seen no sign of them.

  Demoralization was spreading; something must be done, and done quickly,too. Fortunately, I am not unfertile in expedients. I contrived onenow which commended itself to all, for it promised well. I tookthree-quarters of a mile of rope and fastened one end of it around thewaist of a guide, and told him to go find the road, while the caravanwaited. I instructed him to guide himself back by the rope, in case offailure; in case of success, he was to give the rope a series of violentjerks, whereupon the Expedition would go to him at once. He departed,and in two minutes had disappeared among the trees. I payed out the ropemyself, while everybody watched the crawling thing with eager eyes.The rope crept away quite slowly, at times, at other times with somebriskness. Twice or thrice we seemed to get the signal, and a shout wasjust ready to break from the men's lips when they perceived it was afalse alarm. But at last, when over half a mile of rope had sliddenaway, it stopped gliding and stood absolutely still--one minute--twominutes--three--while we held our breath and watched.

  Was the guide resting? Was he scanning the country from some high point?Was he inquiring of a chance mountaineer? Stop,--had he fainted fromexcess of fatigue and anxiety?

  This thought gave us a shock. I was in the very first act of detailingan Expedition to succor him, when the cord was assailed with a series ofsuch frantic jerks that I could hardly keep hold of it. The huzza thatwent up, then, was good to hear. "Saved! saved!" was the word that rangout, all down the long rank of the caravan.

  We rose up and started at once. We found the route to be good enoughfor a while, but it began to grow difficult, by and by, and this featuresteadily increased. When we judged we had gone half a mile, we momentlyexpected to see the guide; but no, he was not visible anywhere; neitherwas he waiting, for the rope was still moving, consequently he wasdoing the same. This argued that he had not found the road, yet, butwas marching to it with some peasant. There was nothing for us to dobut plod along--and this we did. At the end of three hours we werestill plodding. This was not only mysterious, but exasperating. And veryfatiguing, too; for we had tried hard, along at first, to catch up withthe guide, but had only fagged ourselves, in vain; for although he wastraveling slowly he was yet able to go faster than the hampered caravanover such ground.

  At three in the afternoon we were nearly dead with exhaustion--and stillthe rope was slowly gliding out. The murmurs against the guide had beengrowing steadily, and at last they were become loud and savage. A mutinyensued. The men refused to proceed. They declared that we had beentraveling over and over the same ground all day, in a kind of circle.They demanded that our end of the rope be made fast to a tree, so as tohalt the guide until we could overtake him and kill him. This was not anunreasonable requirement, so I gave the order.

  As soon as the rope was tied, the Expedition moved forward with thatalacrity which the thirst for vengeance usually inspires. Bu
t after atiresome march of almost half a mile, we came to a hill covered thickwith a crumbly rubbish of stones, and so steep that no man of us allwas now in a condition to climb it. Every attempt failed, and ended incrippling somebody. Within twenty minutes I had five men on crutches.

  Whenever a climber tried to assist himself by the rope, it yielded andlet him tumble backward. The frequency of this result suggested an ideato me. I ordered the caravan to 'bout face and form in marching order; Ithen made the tow-rope fast to the rear mule, and gave the command:

  "Mark time--by the right flank--forward--march!"

  The procession began to move, to the impressive strains of abattle-chant, and I said to myself, "Now, if the rope don't break Ijudge _this_ will fetch that guide into the camp." I watched the ropegliding down the hill, and presently when I was all fixed for triumphI was confronted by a bitter disappointment; there was no guide tied tothe rope, it was only a very indignant old black ram. The fury of thebaffled Expedition exceeded all bounds. They even wanted to wreak theirunreasoning vengeance on this innocent dumb brute. But I stood betweenthem and their prey, menaced by a bristling wall of ice-axes andalpenstocks, and proclaimed that there was but one road to this murder,and it was directly over my corpse. Even as I spoke I saw that my doomwas sealed, except a miracle supervened to divert these madmen fromtheir fell purpose. I see the sickening wall of weapons now; I see thatadvancing host as I saw it then, I see the hate in those cruel eyes; Iremember how I drooped my head upon my breast, I feel again thesudden earthquake shock in my rear, administered by the very ram I wassacrificing myself to save; I hear once more the typhoon of laughterthat burst from the assaulting column as I clove it from van to rearlike a Sepoy shot from a Rodman gun.

  I was saved. Yes, I was saved, and by the merciful instinct ofingratitude which nature had planted in the breast of that treacherousbeast. The grace which eloquence had failed to work in those men'shearts, had been wrought by a laugh. The ram was set free and my lifewas spared.

  We lived to find out that that guide had deserted us as soon as he hadplaced a half-mile between himself and us. To avert suspicion, he hadjudged it best that the line should continue to move; so he caught thatram, and at the time that he was sitting on it making the rope fast toit, we were imagining that he was lying in a swoon, overcome by fatigueand distress. When he allowed the ram to get up it fell to plungingaround, trying to rid itself of the rope, and this was the signal whichwe had risen up with glad shouts to obey. We had followed this ram roundand round in a circle all day--a thing which was proven by the discoverythat we had watered the Expedition seven times at one and same spring inseven hours. As expert a woodman as I am, I had somehow failed to noticethis until my attention was called to it by a hog. This hog was alwayswallowing there, and as he was the only hog we saw, his frequentrepetition, together with his unvarying similarity to himself, finallycaused me to reflect that he must be the same hog, and this led me tothe deduction that this must be the same spring, also--which indeed itwas.

  I made a note of this curious thing, as showing in a striking manner therelative difference between glacial action and the action of the hog.It is now a well-established fact that glaciers move; I consider thatmy observations go to show, with equal conclusiveness, that a hog in aspring does not move. I shall be glad to receive the opinions of otherobservers upon this point.

  To return, for an explanatory moment, to that guide, and then I shall bedone with him. After leaving the ram tied to the rope, he had wanderedat large a while, and then happened to run across a cow. Judging that acow would naturally know more than a guide, he took her by the tail,and the result justified his judgment. She nibbled her leisurely waydownhill till it was near milking-time, then she struck for home andtowed him into Zermatt.