The Misfits Club

by Kieran Crowley

  ‘They’re not stupid. Some cultures would consider what I do to be verging on musical genius,’ Sam muttered. ‘Even orchestras have wind instruments.’

  ‘Not that kind of wind,’ Chris said.

  ‘We do more than hang around,’ Brian said. ‘We investigate and we have adventures. Amelia won’t have a clue what to do if we get caught up in—’

  ‘When was our last proper adventure?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘We’ve had loads of them. It’s hard to remember them all, there’s been so many. That one, you know, when we did, with the . . . This isn’t a memory test, you know.’

  ‘If you can remember any really exciting adventure we’ve had in the last year before Amelia gets back, then I promise you I won’t ask her to join.’

  ‘Agreed. Now, everyone be quiet while I try to think,’ Brian said.

  He was still trying to remember when Amelia arrived back in the shed a few minutes later. They tucked into the food and chatted a little awkwardly in the way people who are getting to know each other sometimes do before Hannah got to the point.

  ‘Would you like to join our club?’ she asked. ‘I know it’s a bit cheesy –’

  Brian rolled his eyes.

  ‘– but we’d love it if you did. Wouldn’t we, guys?’

  ‘Definitely,’ Chris said.

  Sam gave the thumbs-up as he grabbed another sandwich. Brian didn’t show any encouragement, but he didn’t disagree either, at least not out loud.

  ‘Great, I’d really like that,’ Amelia said.

  ‘If she’s going to join, she has to pass the test,’ Brian said.

  ‘Test? What test?’ Amelia asked.

  ‘It’s nothing bad,’ Hannah said. ‘Just a game we invented when we formed the club. Anyone who wants to join has to play one round to see if they’ve got what it takes to be a Misfit.’

  ‘If you find social situations really awkward or you spend more time reading books than people think is healthy or when you make a choice it always turns out to be the wrong one, then you’ve already got what it takes,’ Sam said.

  ‘The game’s called Gravest Danger,’ Brian said, ignoring Sam.

  Chris was quick to reassure Amelia. ‘Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it sounds,’ he said.

  ‘Only two people have ever died while playing it,’ Sam said.

  SOME DOS AND DON’TS OF GRAVEST DANGER

  by Hannah Fitzgerald

  Don’ts:

  1. Don’t leave the plug in the bath and then leave both taps running until all the water flows over the side of the bath and runs down the stairs. You might think it would make a ‘stairs waterfall’ and be brilliant for the white-water-rafting segment of the game, but it only makes the carpets soggy and parents go absolutely stark raving mad (and not in a funny way).

  2. If one of the players gets taken by a vampire during the game and is killed, then they shouldn’t lie dead in the hall covered in tomato-ketchup blood as this tends to freak out any passing grandmother with poorish eyesight and may cause her to faint, which only leads to more shouting from parents.

  3. Clues from the detective section of the game should not be tied to the collar of an aggressive dog. Stitches and tetanus shots hurt.

  4. Bike wheelies are fun, but can lead to broken arms, which really slows down the game. No bike wheelies from now on.

  Dos:

  1. Do wear protective clothing, especially gloves, if handling anything hot, even if somebody (Sam) tells you it’s not hot because that somebody (still Sam) thinks it’s fun to see someone roll around on the ground in pain. It’s not fun. It’s mean and painful, and apologizing later doesn’t mean you’re going to be forgiven. (Got it, Sam?)

  2. Remember that permanent marker is actually permanent. That means it won’t come off the walls, so large drawings on the living-room wall are not a good idea.

  3. Have fun.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  ‘Ignore him,’ Hannah said to Amelia. ‘He’s only joking. It’s just a board game. Nobody’s ever died.’

  ‘Yet,’ Sam said, easing himself out of the beanbag.

  ‘See what I have to put up with? I don’t know how I’ve managed to stay so sane,’ Chris said.

  ‘OK, to play Gravest Danger we have to go into the house. We need a bit more room than we have here in headquarters,’ Hannah said.

  ‘I thought it was a board game,’ Amelia said.

  ‘It is, but it can get a little action-y,’ Sam said.

  The interior of the Fitzgerald house was nice. Too nice for Brian’s liking. It was as perfect as a show house and everything Hannah’s parents owned looked expensive and breakable. Every time he called round, he always worried that he was the one who’d accidentally do the breaking. Her parents were a bit frosty with him anyway, mainly because they didn’t like his dad, he suspected, and the last thing he wanted was to give them a reason to ban him from the house. Brian much preferred the shed. He could relax there.

  Hannah led them into what had once been her playroom. There were two couches and a low wooden table in between them. A television attached to a top-of-the-range games console hung on the wall. Sam crossed the room and opened a cupboard filled with old books and board games. All the games from their childhood were there – Monopoly, Cluedo, Stratego – but Hannah pulled out a battered old shoebox covered with brown paper and held together by yellowed bits of sticky tape.

  Chris’s face lit up. ‘I haven’t seen that in such a long time.’

  Amelia wasn’t sure what was supposed to be exciting about it. It just looked like an ordinary shoebox to her, yet Chris was staring at it like he’d just discovered a long-lost relic from his youth.

  ‘Everybody who joins the club has to play one round of this game,’ Hannah said, opening the shoebox.

  Amelia peered inside. There were some dice and some figurines – a silver knight, some kind of scuffed Star Wars character, a ferocious-looking dragon and a boy and a girl. Hannah took out the girl figurine and handed it to Amelia.

  ‘That’s going to be you,’ she said, taking the Star Wars character for herself. ‘This one’s a bounty hunter.’

  ‘Not the boy!’ Chris and Sam shouted at the same time.

  ‘Ah no, I have to be the boy? He’s the worst. Can’t I be the dragon? It’s much cooler,’ Brian said.

  ‘Sorry, buddy,’ Sam said, grabbing the dragon. ‘You snooze, you lose.’

  Hannah took out the folded board, which had been made by attaching four old cereal boxes together. The sticky tape that joined them was yellow and brittle in places. A hand-drawn path, numbered from one to a hundred, snaked around the board. Occasionally, the numbers were broken up by little labelled drawings. The labels had names like Pit of Fire, Memory Puzzle or Undead Attack. Hannah removed a pile of cards that had also been cut out from cereal boxes. A piece of white paper with handwriting upon it had been glued to each one of the cards. Hannah took the cards, turned them upside down and placed them in the centre of the board.

  Amelia saw the words written on the back of the card at the top of the pile: Ultimate Test. She was intrigued.

  ‘I definitely have to play a game of Gravest Danger to join the club?’ she asked.

  Four heads nodded their agreement.

  ‘Do I have to win?’

  ‘No. The game is a test of character. It’s just to see if you’re up for adventures. If you don’t like the game, then you won’t like being part of the club,’ Chris said.

  ‘So, you have lots of adventures?’

  ‘Erm, yeah, we’ll talk about that in a while. We’d better get started. Sam and me have to get back home in a couple of hours. Our mum’s making us have a family night.’

  ‘Yes, we really are a wild bunch, aren’t we?’ Sam said.

  Brian wasn’t saying much, but his mood had improved. He was surprised at the anticipation he felt about playing the game. They hadn’t played Gravest Danger in a long time. He couldn’t remember why. Now that they were about to begin, he
realized how much he used to enjoy it, although what he’d liked most of all was the time they’d spent designing it. He remembered the laughs they’d had when they were coming up with the rules – sitting on the floor in the cramped playroom in Hannah’s old house, the rain pounding on the windows, drawings, sketches and half-written rules all around them on the carpet. They’d spent more time telling each other jokes than they had making the game.

  ‘OK, Amelia, the rules are fairly simple,’ Hannah began. ‘You have to get around the board from start to finish without being caught by the rest of us. We’re the hunters, you’re the hunted. You get two rolls first to get a head start. Along the way, you might land on some squares like Pit of Fire and so on. Then you have to draw an Ultimate Test card and face whatever danger or test is written on the card. Got it?’

  ‘Seems fairly straightforward.’

  ‘Great, then let’s begin.’

  Amelia took the die in her hand, shook it around for longer than was helpful, long enough for Sam to blow out his cheeks in frustration, then rolled it far too vigorously. It rattled its way across the table, along the carpet and under the couch.

  ‘Sorry,’ Amelia said.

  ‘Nothing to worry about,’ Sam replied. He got to his feet and lifted the couch at one end until there was enough of a gap for someone to reach in. He grunted with the exertion. The couch was heavier than it looked. ‘I can’t hold this forever. Help me out, SpongeBrian SquareHead.’

  ‘Oh, right,’ Brian said. He grabbed the die, pausing to check the number in the face. ‘You rolled a four, Amelia.’

  ‘Good solid start,’ Sam said, letting the couch down more violently than he intended.

  ‘OK, now roll again,’ Chris said.

  Amelia rolled a three this time and moved forward to the seventh square.

  ‘Nice one. You can’t get caught this time. Six is the most anyone can roll in one go and you’re on square seven, so you’re safe,’ Sam said.

  ‘I think she understands how dice work,’ Hannah said.

  ‘Just trying to be helpful.’

  ‘Funny and interesting thing – since we’re only using one of them, then it’s die, when you’re using two or more they’re called dice,’ Chris said.

  ‘You really don’t understand what the words funny or interesting mean, do you?’ Sam said, rolling his eyes.

  Amelia managed to stay ahead of the hunters for the next few moves before she landed on her first Ultimate Test square.

  ‘Go ahead, pick up the card. There’s nothing to worry about,’ Hannah said.

  ‘Or is there?’ Brian said in a creepy voice.

  Amelia tentatively reached over and picked up one of the cards lying at the centre of the board. She read it and looked puzzled.

  ‘It says Ten-second Monster Avoidance Challenge,’ she said.

  ‘Oh, that’s not a bad one,’ Chris said. ‘Three of us pretend we’re monsters and . . . wow, that sounds really weak when I say it out loud. What age were we when we wrote this game?’

  ‘Don’t slag the game off. The game is fine. One of us times it, usually Chris, and you have to avoid being tagged by the rest of us for ten seconds. It might sound easy, but the room’s small, so –’

  ‘I have to avoid three of you in this room?’

  ‘Yep. You get tagged by a monster, you lose and you freeze in the game for a turn. Good chance we’ll catch up with you then.’

  ‘And if I avoid you for ten seconds, I move on in the game?’

  ‘That’s it.’

  Amelia looked around the room. Two couches and a table were the only hiding places, but with three people after you it didn’t look like she’d be able to avoid them for long. Ten seconds might not seem like long, but it’d feel like it was forever in this small space.

  ‘You OK for timing, Chris?’ Hannah asked.

  ‘Yep, I’m on it.’

  He had his mobile phone already set to stopwatch mode. Hannah, Sam and Brian gathered by the door in one corner of the room, while Amelia went to the other corner. She took a few deep breaths, then bounced up and down on her toes, trying to get some energy into her limbs.

  ‘Everyone ready?’

  ‘Yes,’ Hannah and Brian said.

  Sam growled, getting into character. Half measures meant less than half the fun, as far as he was concerned and with games like this, it was always more fun to give it your all.

  ‘Right then,’ Chris said. ‘Monsters attack.’

  They raced forward in unison at first, then they split as they had to edge around the table and couch. Amelia stood in the corner, still bouncing on her toes, making no effort to move out of the way. Brian hesitated for a moment, wondering what her plan was, as the others rushed forward – Sam baring his teeth, his hands shaped into claws – and were within touching distance immediately.

  Was that a tear in her eye? She looked afraid. Amelia dropped to her haunches and covered her head with her hands. Her shoulders shook, as if she was sobbing.

  They stopped and looked at each other, unsure of what to do. The two boys indicated to Hannah that she should be the one to say something.

  ‘Amelia, it’s OK. There’s no need to be scared. It’s only a game. We’re not really going to hurt you.’

  When Amelia spoke, her voice was muffled by her arms, but still shaky. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘Chris, is the ten seconds up?’ Amelia asked.

  ‘Yeah, why?’

  Amelia got to her feet. She wasn’t crying, not even a little bit. ‘Guess I win, then.’

  ‘No way—’ Sam began.

  ‘Wait a second, you were pretending?’ Brian asked. He couldn’t process what had happened. ‘But that’s cheating.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Amelia asked. ‘I don’t remember you saying that before we started.’

  ‘I didn’t say, but it, well, it was understood, right? Hannah, Chris, you’re the rule experts. That’s not right, is it?’

  ‘She wins. Her move was sneaky, but effective.’

  They’re right, Brian thought. It was sneaky. Just like he’d been sneaky when he’d pretended to be unconscious in the field after being chased by the two gorillas. Maybe Amelia wasn’t as much of a drip as he’d thought.

  ‘Nice one, Amelia,’ Sam said. ‘Your way was much easier than when I last tried to avoid the monsters. I jumped over the couch and cracked my coccyx on the corner of the table. Had to go to the doctor. It was touch and go as to whether I’d have to have surgery or not. In the end, I had to wear a cast on my bum for six weeks.’

  Amelia wasn’t sure how to reply to that, so she said nothing.

  ‘Almost none of that is true,’ Hannah whispered to her.

  The next few rounds of Gravest Danger flew by and Amelia managed to stay ahead of the hunters until the final stretch. She had to do a thirty-second headstand, give a short speech on her favourite mythical creature, find objects hidden in the room from a series of two-word clues, figure out who had killed Sam in a locked-room murder-mystery game, and make a complete circuit of the outside of the house without touching the ground. This last task led her to walk across windowsills and wheelie bins and she almost pulled a plastic drainpipe from the wall, struggling for balance.

  After an exhausting, yet exhilarating, hour and thirty-seven minutes, the game was almost over. Amelia was four spaces ahead of Hannah, the nearest hunter, and had dispatched Brian and Sam back to square one by accurately reciting an old seventeenth-century witch’s spell backwards that she’d memorized immediately after the monster-hunting section. Chris had been just behind her for most of the game, but had begun to flag when he’d lost his balance and fallen into a fiery pit.

  ‘So, if I roll a two or above, I’ll be safe,’ Amelia said.

  ‘Yep, you’ll have reached the final square and the hunters can’t catch you.’

  Amelia shook the die in her hand, blew on it for luck, whispered something to herself and rolled it.

  A four.r />
  She’d done it. She leaped in the air, far more excited at her victory than she’d expected. The others didn’t look pleased though, and nobody was congratulating her.

  ‘Have I done something wrong?’ she asked.

  ‘No, of course not. It’s just that you’re not quite finished yet.’

  Amelia’s brow wrinkled in confusion.

  ‘You have to pick up one final Ultimate Test card,’ Chris said.

  ‘Oh, OK. Sure.’

  The Ultimate Tests had been a bit quirky, but she hadn’t found them too difficult either. She picked up the card on top of the pile. All it said was: The Cabin in the Woods. That wasn’t very clear. She handed the card to Hannah.

  ‘What does it say?’ Brian asked.

  Hannah turned the card round so they could all read it.

  ‘No way,’ Sam said.

  ‘What does it mean?’ Amelia asked.

  Sam turned to her. ‘Well, Amelia, how you feel about poltergeists?’

  The Newpark Echo

  Thursday 20 December 1979

  GHOST IN THE WOODS – LOCAL WOMAN SHOCKED

  A local woman received a terrible shock while walking her dog last Tuesday morning. Dolores McDougal (51), originally from Lough, but living in Newpark for the past twenty-three years, was taking her dog, Dexter, for a stroll in Micawber Woods at 7 a.m. when she got the fright of her life.

  ‘I was up early because I was going to take the children Christmas shopping. Patsy, my husband, normally takes the dog for a walk, but he was feeling a bit rough after his work Christmas party, so I said I’d take him myself. To be honest, I was glad to get out of the house because things are a bit mad around there at Christmas, especially when the lads drink red lemonade for breakfast. It makes them far too excitable.’

  Shortly after leaving the house, Dolores had reached the edge of the woods, when Dexter unexpectedly took off in pursuit of what Dolores described as either a large squirrel or a small badger. After almost fifteen minutes, she found the dog cowering by a derelict cottage deep in the woods.

  ‘I thought the dog was upset because he knew I’d be mad with him for running off. Next thing I know, this ghostly apparition is coming right at me. It materialized out of nowhere. There was this green glow coming off it and it had the most horrible face I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been more frightened in my life. It shot straight at me and I ran away as fast as I could. I didn’t stop running until I got home. I haven’t been right since.’