“Yeah, I had a great day,” I said a little too squeaky. “Um, I’d really like to see you in person. Think you could swing by?”
“What’s wrong?” Brett asked.
I couldn’t express my fear over the phone so I said as steadily as I could, “I’ll tell you when you get here.”
“Are you alright?”
“Yes,” I assured him though I was not alright. Not at all. “We need to talk.”
There was a quiet pause so long I had to ask, “Are you still there?”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No!” I said immediately. “It’s nothing like that, I promise. I just need you, Brett, please.”
“Okay,” he said and I could hear a car door slamming in the background. “I’ll be there as soon as I can get there.”
“Thank you.”
“I love you, Mandy.”
I told him, “I love you, too,” then hung up.
The situation felt all too like the time I asked Brett to drive over and pick me up after my parents split up. As I stood on my front step waiting for Brett, needing him to come and rescue me, I was suffering a severe case of déjà vu. By the time Brett pulled into my driveway, my heart was racing so fast I felt like throwing up. Then I had the horrible, irrational thought that the reason I wanted to puke was not because I was giving myself a panic attack, which I totally was, but because I was experiencing morning sickness for the first time. And morning sickness meant I was pregnant. Which meant my life was over.
Like a crazy bitch, I burst into tears right then and there.
“Mandy!” Brett called out to me and jumped out of his car. “What’s wrong?” he asked, running up my front steps and pulling me into his arms.
I clutched at his sweaty t-shirt and just sobbed and soaked him with my tears.
“Baby, tell me what’s wrong,” Brett said desperately, brushing my hair back and tipping my head up. “Are you hurt? Did something happen?”
I focused on his face, on his worried eyes through the blur of my tears and willed myself to calm down. Soaking up strength just from him being near me, just by the simple fucking fact that he actually cared, I felt myself calming.
After a long moment, I managed to whisper, “I missed my period,” and watched all the blood drain from Brett’s face.
Brett
The urgent plea in her voice broke me out of my composed center and pushed me to race to her house.
I was in a fucking Volvo though, and it wasn’t fast enough for my tastes. Red lights were my enemy and stop signs almost gave me heart attacks. I really wanted to get to her and find out what was causing the pain in her voice. Fuck. All those urges to race and I couldn’t believe that I was slowing down my car.
During the past couple of months, I felt her pulling away from me. I felt her slowly leaving my side. It was like her parents in a way, except our separation had been dragging on over those couple of months. It hurt, but I couldn’t make her love me anymore. I couldn’t push my love into her. I couldn’t manipulate her like a marionette.
The time I had been spending in the gym and dojo had been paying off for me physically, but I think mentally I might not have been as dedicated as I would have liked. I was there but Mandy wasn’t anymore. She kept going out with Grace, and I couldn’t blame her. Grace was her best friend and in need of Mandy.
But I wanted to be selfish.
I fucking wanted her to be with me.
* * *
I stopped in front of Mandy’s house and saw her standing there, looking so lost and sad.
I don’t know why but as I stepped out of the car and called to her, “Mandy!” I could feel our love starting to crack like ice. “What’s wrong?”
I started walking towards her, slowly at first but I was really scared to walk on further. The tears on her cheeks told me something was oh-so-very wrong and scaring her to her core.
The words that came out of her mouth were jumbled and rushed, and I didn’t believe what I thought I heard her say at first so I asked her to repeat it.
“I missed my period.”
I held onto her as tightly as I could, my arms wrapping around her as I tried to embody the stalwart man. I tried to be strong for her, but all I could think of was oh, shit.
I thought we were careful. I thought she was safe and on the pill. I knew mistakes could happen, but I really wanted to ask what the fuck she was doing. I had no clue how it could happen, was it a missed pill? I didn’t think she had taken antibiotics recently. Fuck, my thoughts were a thousand miles a minute.
“How…” I swallowed a couple of times to get my dry mouth to work. “How late are you?”
“A couple of days, at least.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
“Okay, well first things first.” I said as I steered her towards the car. Holding her as tight as I could, I felt her body trembling mightily. “I love you. And no matter what, I will not stop loving you.”
“I love you, Brett,” she said quietly.
Walking around the back of the car, I thought but did not say: Do you still? Do you still really love me? Will this drive us even further apart?
Getting into the car, I smiled to Mandy. I needed to shut up and do all I could to make sure she was supported. I learned my lesson after hearing Mandy speak about how horrible Grace felt and was treated by Carson.
“Let’s go get us a test. Though…” I said with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. “I don’t think I can teach you how to study for this.”
“Oh, god. Seriously? That’s the best one you can come up with?” Mandy said with watery eyes.
“Well, I mean we… Yeah, I got nothing.”
Mandy snorted when I admitted defeat and reached out to hold my hand. It was a gesture I sunk my whole being into. I wanted to feel her hand in mine forever.
I smiled and tried to reassure her the whole way to the drug store, but I was not sure how I could face this with my parents. I knew they would be supportive of us and love our child, Mandy, and I all the more. But would they deep down be disappointed and feel like we failed them in some way?
Fuck, I didn’t even have a job. I had been fully accepted into college. What of our plans now? Were we even responsible enough to have a child?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. No, shut up, that’s what got me into this position in the first place. Fuck.
If I was being honest though, I had seen how Grace looked pregnant, and if Mandy was pregnant, holy shit, I might have a thing for pregnant girls. Or more specifically, a pregnant Mandy. Shit, do not get a boner right now.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
We made it to the drug store without me disturbing Mandy, and we bought two tests. She admitted she and Grace did five, but that was a bit over doing it.
Once we were out of the store, I kissed her on the forehead in the car and headed for my parents’ house. Her dad might have been home at hers, and right then we wanted privacy.
Standing outside of the bathroom door while she peed on two sticks, on what would change our future no matter how they responded, was almost unbearable. I didn’t know if I wanted to puke, but it sure felt like I did. Like my stomach was trying to crawl down my intestines and then back up through my throat.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Mandy opened the door.
Mandy
“Negative,” I informed Brett as I pulled open the bathroom door and held out the sticks for him to see.
I watched the emotions I was feeling play out on his face. First it was relief, then it was confusion… and was that a hint of disappointment? It couldn’t be.
The results should have been a huge relief, but it felt far from it. The tests read negative, but I still didn’t have a period. I knew until I started bleeding I wouldn’t feel an ounce of relief.
The not knowing was going to be another dark cloud hanging over me. Until I knew for sure that I wasn’t pregnant, I was going to be stuck in a what if I am pregnant type of purgatory
. My eyes ached from reading over the directions what must have been a million times. I couldn’t have felt more frustrated if the tests had come back reading: maybe.
Inwardly, I was willing my uterus to just fucking do something. I never thought I’d want to cramp so bad in my life. I was practically willing myself to bleed.
“So you’re not pregnant?” Brett asked, frowning as he looked down at the sticks but not taking them from me.
“I don’t know,” I answered him honestly. “I guess we’ll just have to wait some more and see.”
Brett stepped forward, grabbing the sticks out of my hand. He glanced down at them as if he too had to double check them then he tossed them into the trash bin. A moment later he was pulling me close, his arms enveloping me, wrapping me up in his strength.
“We’ll get through this,” he tried to reassure me and settled his chin on top of my head.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my face into his chest.
I wanted to believe him, I did. But I think something inside me just knew it was the beginning of our end.
Chapter Fifteen
Mandy
Two days. It took two more days for me to get my period, and I was so happy, so relieved, I almost threw a party to celebrate. It was after school when I started. I was actually in my room when the first cramp hit me. Once I confirmed what was happening and cleaned myself up, I immediately called Brett.
“Hey?” he answered.
“I just wanted to let you know I got my period!” I told him enthusiastically. I was so happy, I was dancing around my room while I was on the phone with him.
There was a long pause before he sighed with relief. “That’s great.”
“Fuck yeah, it is!”
My life wasn’t over. I wasn’t going to have to just give up all my dreams. I still had choices, I still got to prioritize me.
If I was pregnant, I’d love my baby, I would. I’d love them more than I loved myself, and I wouldn’t want them to ever grow up thinking they were a mistake. But when I had children, I wanted to be ready. I wanted to have my shit together. I wanted to actually know how to take care of them. And I wanted to be settled down and happily married to their daddy.
I guess I was just selfish like that.
Over the past couple of days, I spent the majority of my time thinking. What would I do if I was pregnant? Would I have to get a job right after graduation? Would Brett? Would he have to give up all his scholarships, or would we mooch off of our parents while he finished his degree? None of the options seemed appealing.
And as much as I tried, I just couldn’t think up a bright side of being teen parents, except for the awesome kid.
I knew any baby Brett and I had together would be awesome. I would love them to death. If I was pregnant for sure, I couldn’t even consider for a fraction of a second of trying to change it. But it made me sad to think Brett and I wouldn’t necessarily be the best parents because, by starting off with nothing, we would both be struggling for some time until we could comfortably support our child.
And don’t get me wrong, I knew Brett would be a good dad. If he was half as good to our baby as he was good to me, he would be the best dad ever. But he would have to sacrifice a great deal in the process. And it pained me deeply to think he would have to give up so much because I fucked up and put him in that position. Because of me.
There was also this deeply buried fear inside me that kept boiling up to the surface. I knew becoming a mother would change me, and that necessarily wasn’t a bad thing. Grace, she seemed to be handling her situation… well, gracefully. She glowed with her pregnancy, and now that she had fully accepted she was going to have a baby, she was trying to change her dreams and incorporate Carson into them. I was so fucking proud of her. But what if I wasn’t like Grace?
What if I became resentful like my mother? Like it was in my genes? Just thinking it made me sick to my stomach.
“Do you want me to swing by and pick you up?” Brett asked.
I stopped my dancing. I don’t know why but I really, really didn’t want to see Brett. “Don’t you have training or something?”
“You could come with me.”
“I’m not really in the mood to workout what with the cramps and all.”
“Oh, yeah I guess you wouldn’t be….” His voice trailed off, and I bit my lip, feeling guilty over his disappointment.
“I think I’m just going to curl up in bed with some chocolate and watch a movie.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
“Bye…”
“Bye,” Brett said.
When the phone clicked, I realized that for the first time in a couple of months I’d hung up the phone before telling him I loved him.
Brett
I was supposed to feel happiness with her words, not pregnant, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel happiness, it was a relief to be sure, but I was not happy.
Our lives would have been changed for sure, and it would have been a very long road for us, full of challenges and growing pains, but I thought if we made it through, nothing would be able to break us apart. Now? I had no clue what the fuck was going on.
Pulling up in front of the gym, I shook myself out of my funk. I needed to put in a hundred percent that day. I had been slacking, and I knew it. It wasn’t showing yet, but it would.
It would truly show at the dojo, there it was all or nothing.
If you didn’t put in the time, you didn’t get the rewards. And by time I’m not speaking of merely being there. I am talking about learning and pushing your knowledge and body to the limits or you just won’t make the cut. The head trainer there had already told me I had the talent to take it to the next level. But he wanted me to make the decision, and I wanted to. Mandy was already leaving me, I could feel it. This could be the thing that held me together.
Fuck, I wanted her to be pregnant, I had to be fully honest with myself. I had no doubt Mandy was absolutely relieved. But me? Not so much. I wanted the fucking kid.
I didn’t even say I love you to her. She didn’t either. I guess the writing was on the wall, we just needed to read it. But what I didn’t get was what the fuck was pulling her away from me? What was wrong with me that she wanted to get away from?
I thought about it and I knew it was happening before the pregnancy scare. I tried to pinpoint things, but all I kept coming up with was our future talks, and what we both wanted. She simply would never pin down what she wanted for us. Had she ever really been invested?
I go about my routine, but even with my self-admonishments, I was only putting in what I had to. Fuck. I walked back into the locker room, and just sat there, staring at my phone. She hadn’t texted me saying: I love you. She used to randomly do that. She hadn’t done it for a week or so. She only texted that she was busy with this or that. Fuck. My stomach was aching and I felt sick. I kept feeling like my stomach was dropping out and I wanted to go throw my guts up. I guessed it was teenage heartache.
I grabbed my bag and headed out of the gym, only halfway through my routine. I just couldn’t focus on it right then.
Driving home, I felt like a failure and I wondered if maybe it was my fault she didn’t want to love me anymore. Maybe it was.
Mom and Dad acknowledged my requests to be left alone, even though I wished they wouldn’t have.
Curling up on my bed, I tried to sleep through all of it, but I didn’t know if I’d ever go to sleep feeling normal again.
Chapter Sixteen
Mandy
I was avoiding Brett and going out of my way to keep from running into him. During school hours I completely changed my routine and avoided the hallways I knew he’d have to use to get to and from class. After dating for months, I knew his schedule like the back of my hand.
He called and tried to text me but I never responded back.
I was being a complete immature bitch and he didn’t deserve it
. I just needed some time and space to think, and I couldn’t do it unless I totally disconnected myself from him. The whole pregnancy scare was a real eye-opener and completely scared the shit out of me. I didn’t know what I wanted, but it was time to figure it the fuck out.
The only time I couldn’t avoid Brett was when it came to World History class. I knew I’d have to face him then, and I couldn’t figure a way out of it without outright skipping class, and unfortunately it was too close to graduation to start fucking around. So it was no surprise when I walked into the classroom to find him already there. And he looked totally pissed off by the way his brows pulled down and he glared at me.
“Mandy,” Brett hissed as I decided to skip taking my usual seat and instead chose a desk far away from him.
“What the fuck?” he said standing up and stomping up to the desk next to me.
I felt ashamed, I truly did. I knew my actions were cowardly and I was behaving childishly. It was hard to even look Brett in the eye, but when I did get a closer look I felt even worse. He looked as if he hadn’t slept all week.
“I’m sorry, I’ve been busy,” I murmured as I pulled my book and things out of my backpack.
“You could have at least responded to me.”
I glanced at him quickly out of the corner of my eye. He was sitting sideways in his chair, leaning close to me. Yanking my phone out of my purse, I unlocked it with a swipe and pretended to check something important. “Sorry.”
“Fuck,” Brett cursed just as Ms. Henry walked in.
“What was that Mr. Fitzpatrick?” Ms. Henry asked Brett, giving him her notorious stink-eye.
Slamming Demon: A Pounding Hearts Novel Page 12