Sween Myth-tery of Life m-10

by Robert Asprin

  "No, I'm serious, Cassandra" I said. "I really don't have much experience drinking except for wine."

  "Hey. No problem. I'll order for you."

  That wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but she had turned to our waiter before I could stop her.

  "Bring him a Bloody Mary, too, Marley. A regular one, not the local version," she said. "Oh, and we'll be running a tab. Here's his credit card so you can make an imprint."

  The waiter accepted the card without batting an eye ... apparently waiters are harder to impress with credit cards than doormen ... and moved off through the crowd. And I do mean through the crowd.

  Truth to tell, I had been so busy ogling the club, I had completely forgotten that Cassandra still had my card until she handed it to the waiter. Inexperienced though I was with credit cards, I was aware that losing track of one's card is not the wisest idea, and I resolved to reclaim it when the waiter brought it back.

  In the meantime, there was one minor matter I wanted to take care of ... to wit, my outfit.

  As you may recall, I spent a certain amount of time choosing my ensemble for this date, but that was before I knew we were headed for Limbo. The clothes I was wearing were fine for Klah, or even Deva, but here on Limbo they were conservative to the point of looking drab. Normally, I wouldn't squander my magik on something so trivial, particularly on Limbo, but I had already scouted a strong force line directly over the club and ... what the heck, I was still trying to impress my date.

  At the moment, she was busy chatting with some friends of hers who had stopped by the table, so I figured now was as good a time as any. Closing my eyes, I went to work on my outfit courtesy of my good old trusty standby ... the disguise spell.

  Since I wasn't really all that dissatisfied with the outfit I was wearing, I didn't go for any radical change, just a few adjustments here and there. I deepened the neckline on both my shirt and vest to show a bit more of my chest ... such as it was. Then I lengthened the points of my collar and added a bit more drape to the sleeves to be more in line with some of the more billowy outfits the other men in the club were wearing. As a final touch, I added a sparkly undertone to my shirt so that it would match my date's dress ... in texture, at least.

  Like I said, not much of a change. Just enough so I wouldn't look dowdy sitting in a club with flashy vampires. I couldn't see the changes myself, of course, which is one of the few drawbacks of a disguise spell, but I had enough confidence in this, one of my oldest spells, to know it was effective. I knew my date would be able to see the changes. The only question was, would she notice?

  I needn't have worried.

  Not that she noticed right away, mind you. Cassandra's friends had moved on, but she was still quite busy waving and calling to others in the crowd. Apparently she was quite a popular young lady. Not surprising, really.

  The fun started when the waiter brought our drinks to the table. Setting them them carefully in front of us, he leaned over to speak directly into my ear.

  "This first round is compliments of the manager, sir," he said, with notably more deference than he had shown when taking the order originally. "He asked me to tell you he's honored you're visiting our club, and hopes you enjoy it enough to make it a regular stop."

  "What?" I said, genuinely taken aback. "I don't understand."

  "I said, the manager ..." the ghost started to repeat, but I cut him off.

  "No. I mean, why is he buying us a round of drinks?"

  "He saw your name on the credit card," the ghost said, handing the item in question back to me. "I didn't recognize you on sight, myself ... I hope you aren't offended."

  "No. It's ... no. No offense," I managed, still trying to figure out what was going on.

  "What was that all about?" Cassandra said, leaning close again. She had noticed my conversation with the waiter, but hadn't been able to hear the exact words over the music.

  "It's nothing," I explained. "The manager just bought us a round of drinks."

  "Really?" she frowned. "That's odd. They don't usually do that here ... at least, not for the first round. I wonder who's on duty?"

  She started craning her neck trying to get a clear look at the bar. While she was doing that, I turned my attention to our drinks.

  They appeared innocent enough. Basically an opaque red fluid over ice cubes with some kind of greenery sticking out of it. Hers was a darker red than mine, but aside from that, they looked the same. Cautiously, I took a sip ... and discovered, to my relief, it tasted sort of like tomato juice.

  "Hey! This is pretty good," I declared. "What's in it, anyway?"

  "Hmm?" Cassandra said, turning her attention to me again. "Oh. Yours is just tomato juice and vodka."

  I didn't know what vodka was, but tomato juice I could handle. The first sip had reminded me how thirsty I was after all our running around, so I downed most of the glass with my next swallow.

  "Hey! Take it easy, Tiger," my date admonished. "Those things can pack a wallop if you aren't used to them ... and it can leave a stain, so don't drip any on your ..."

  She stopped in mid-sentence and stared at my outfit.

  "Say. Weren't you wearing a different shirt before?"

  "Oh, it's the same shirt," I said, as casually as I could. "I just changed it a little bit. I think this is more appropriate for this place, don't you?"

  "But how could you ... I get it! Magik!"

  Her reaction was everything 1 could have hoped for ... except she wasn't done.

  "Wait a minute. You're a friend of Vic's from Klah, and you know magik ... right?" she said, eagerly. "Do you know a magician there named the Great Skeeve?"

  This really surprised me, but the pieces were starting to fall into place. The picture was incredible, but I managed to keep my cool.

  "As a matter of fact, I know him rather well," I said with a faint smile.

  "Whatdaya know!" Cassandra declared, slapping the table with her palm. "I thought Vie was just trying to impress me when he said he knew him. Tell me, what's he like?"

  That one threw me.

  "Vie? He's a nice enough guy. I thought you ..."

  "No, silly. I mean Skeeve! What's he like as a person?"

  This was just getting better.

  "Oh, he's a lot like me," I said. "I'm just surprised you heard of him."

  "You've got to be kidding!" she declared, rolling her eyes. "He's about the hottest thing going as far as magicians go. Everybody's talking about him. You know, he engineered a jailbreak right here on Limbo!"

  "I think I heard about that," I admitted.

  "And just a while back, he got barred from the Dimension of Perv. Can you believe that? Perv?"

  "It was a bum rap," I grimaced.

  "So you really do know him! Come on, tell me more. When you say he's like you, do you mean he's young or what?"

  As much fun as this was, I figured it was time to stop before it got out of hand.

  "Cassandra," I said, carefully. "Watch my lips. He's a lot like me. Get it?"

  She frowned, then shook her head.

  "No. I don't. You make it sound like you're twins or something. Either that, or ..."

  She suddenly stared at me, her eye's widening.

  "Oh, no," she gasped. "You don't mean you're ..."

  I held my credit card up in front of her so she could read the name on it, then favored her with my widest smile.

  "Oh no!" she shrieked, loud enough to draw attention from the neighboring tables. "You're him!!! Why didn't you tell me!!"

  "You never asked," I shrugged. "Actually, I thought that Vie ..."

  But by that time, I was speaking to her back ... or, to be more specific, her rump. She was on her feet calling triumphantly to the other patrons.

  "Hey, everybody! You know who this is! This is SKEEVE THE GREAT!!!"

  Now, at different times, various people have tried to tell me that I was building a rep through the dimensions. Most recently, Bunny had brought it up when explaining how she set the pri
ces for the services of M.Y.T.H. Inc. I guess I was sort of aware of it, and had even kind of accepted it, but for the most part I didn't really see where it made any difference in my normal day to day life. Sitting in The Wooden Stake in the dimension of Limbo, however, was not part of my normal day to day life ... and neither was the reaction of the crowd when it learned who r was.

  At first, heads turned, then drew together in whispered conversation as the whole room stared at me as if I had grown another head.

  "I hope I didn't embarrass you, Skeeve ... can I call you Skeeve? ... but I'm just so excited." Cassandra was back in her seat, focusing all her attention on me. "Imagine, me out on a date with the Great Skeeve!"

  "Umm ... that's all right, Cassandra," I assured her, but now my attention was elsewhere.

  Over her shoulder ... heck, from all around us ... I could see people starting to make their

  way towards our table. Now, as I've mentioned, I've been chased by mobs before, but never starting surrounded! Still, they didn't look particularly hostile or angry. If anything, they all seemed to have exaggerated smiles on their faces ... which considering the array of teeth in the room, wasn't all that pleasant to behold.

  "Excuse me, Cassandra," I said, eyeing the incoming people, "but I drink ... I mean, I think we're about to have company."

  The slip of the tongue was because I had just tried to take another sip of my drink, only to find the glass was empty except for the ice cubes ... strange, because I didn't remember finishing it. Then the first person reached the table.

  It was a male vampire, all decked out in a fine set of evening clothes which he wore with enviable grace.

  "Excuse me for interrupting, Mr. Skeeve," he said with a smile, "but I wanted to shake your hand. Always wanted to meet you, but never thought I'd get the opportunity."

  "Uh, sure," I said, but he had already seized my hand and was pumping away.

  "I was wondering ... could I have your autograph?" a young lady said, trying to edge around the first gentleman.

  "What? I suppose so ..."

  Unfortunately I couldn't seem to get my hand loose from the vampire who was still shaking it, though he seemed to be looking elsewhere at the moment.

  "Hey! Waiter!" I heard him call. "Another round of whatever Mr. Skeeve and his guest are drinking ... and put it on my tab!"

  "Umm ... thank you," I said, extracting my hand and turning to the girl who had asked for an autograph. "Do you have a pen?"

  "Gosh no!" she exclaimed. "But I'll go get one. Don't go away, I'll be right back."

  I really didn't know what to think. I had been nervous about coming back to Limbo because of my near criminal activities during my last visit, and here they were treating me like a celebrity!

  "Mr. Skeeve. If you don't mind. It's for my little girl."

  This last was from a were-tiger who thrust both paper and pen at me. Fortunately, after the last visitor, I knew what he was after, and hastily scribbled my signature on the page.

  Our ghost waiter materialized through the growing crowd and set our drinks on the table ... except there were three of them! From the color, one for Cassandra, and two for me.

  "What's with the extra?" I said.

  "Compliments of the table over there, sir," the waiter said, pointing somewhere off to my left.

  I tried to look where he was indicating, and almost put my nose in the navel of another young lady who was crowding up beside me. Actually, she was one of three, any one of whom would be eye-catching under normal circumstances, but were just part of the crowd here.

  "Where are you going from here, Mr. Skeeve?" the taller one purred. "There's going to be a party at our place later if you want to come by."

  "Wipe your chin, Sweetheart," Cassandra smiled, slipping her arm around my shoulder. "He's my date ... and I plan to keep him busy all night."

  That had an intriguing sound to it, but just then someone else started tugging on my sleeve.

  "Excuse me, Mr. Skeeve," said an awesome set of teeth from a point too close to focus on. "I was wondering if I might interview you sometime at your convenience?"

  "Well ... I'm kind of busy right now, "I hedged, trying to lean back far enough to get a better look at my questioner ... which unfortunately pressed the back of my head up against one of the party girls.

  "Oh, I don't mean now," the teeth said, matching my retreat with a move forward so I still couldn't see what or who was talking. "If you can stop by our table over there later, we'll set up an appointment. I'll have a drink waiting for you ... Bloody Mary, right?"

  "Right. I mean, okay. But ..."

  But by that time the person was gone. I only hoped that they'd recognize me if I got into the general vicinity. Right now, my attention was caught by the fact that whoever I was pressing backward against was now pressing forward against the back of my head ... far too insistently for it to be an accident.

  "Say, Skeeve," Cassandra said, giving me an excuse to break contact, which I took, pausing only to take a gulp of my drink before I leaned toward her.

  "Yes, Cassandra?"

  "If you don't mind, can we head out of here after you finish your drink? There are a couple other places I'd like to hit tonight ... you know, to show you off a little?"

  "No problem" I said, "but it might take a while."

  Somehow, during the last flurry of discussions, my two drinks had multiplied into four.

  "Oh, I'm in no hurry" she said, giving me a quick kiss. "I know you've got to deal with some of these people now that they know who you are. It goes with the notoriety. It may be old hat to you, but I'm having a blast!"

  To say the least, it wasn't old hat to me. Maybe if it was, I would have handled it better.

  I remember signing my name a lot ... and some more drinks being delivered ... and kissing Cassandra ... and, I think, another club ... or two other clubs ... and more drinks ...

  Chapter Ten:

  "Happiness is defined by one's capacity for enjoyment."

  BACCHUS

  OPENING MY EYES, I suffered a brief moment of disorientation, then things started swimming into focus.

  I was in my room ... in my own bed, to be specific, though the covers seemed to be twisted and disheveled. I was naked under the covers, though I had no recollection of getting undressed. I assumed it was morning, as there was sunlight streaming through the window. In short, everything looked normal.

  So why did I feel there was something wrong?

  I was lying on my side, and I realized my sinuses had flooded, making it impossible to breathe out of the nostril on the "downhill" side. In an effort to alleviate this situation, I rolled over and ...

  It hit me!!!

  A pounding headache ... a nauseous stomach ... the works!

  There had been times in the past when I had gotten sick, but nothing like this! At first I was afraid I was going to die. Then I was afraid I'd live. Misery such as I was feeling should have a finite end.

  Groaning slightly and burrowing into my pillow, I tried to gather my thoughts.

  What was going on here? What happened to make me feel ...

  Suddenly, the memory of the previous night flashed across my mind ... or, at least, the beginning of it.

  The blind date ... The Wooden Stake ... the admiring crowds ... Cassandra!

  I sat bolt upright and ...

  Big mistake. BIG mistake.

  Every pain and queasiness I had been feeling slammed into me threefold. With a moan, I fell limply back onto my pillow heedless of the new unpleasant sensations this move caused. You could only feel so miserable, and I had bottomed out. Nothing could make me feel worse. Forget any effort at rational thought. I was just going to lie there until my head cleared or I died ... whichever came first.

  A knock sounded at the door.

  Disoriented as I was, I had no difficulty deciding what to do: I was going to ignore it. I was certainly in no condition to see or talk to anyone!

  The knock came again, a little louder t
his time.

  "Skeeve? Are you awake?"

  It was Bunny's voice. From what I could recall of the beginning of last evening, I really didn't want to talk to her right now. All I needed to make my misery complete was to have her carping on me about my taste in dates.

  "Go away!" I called, not even bothering to try to make it sound polite.

  As soon as I uttered the words, however, I realized I would have been better off just staying quiet. Not only had the effort increased the pounding in my head, I had inadvertently let her know I was awake.

  As if in response to my afterthought, the door opened and Bunny came in, a big tray of food in her hands.

  "When I didn't see you at breakfast or at lunch, I figured you might be a little worse for wear from last night," she said crisply, setting the tray on my desk. "I had the kitchen put together a tray for you to help you back to the land of the living."

  Food was definitely low on my list of priorities at the moment. If anything, I was more concerned with things going the other way through my digestive tract. It did however, suddenly occur to me that I was thirsty. In fact, VERY thirsty.

  "Have you got any juice on that tray?" I managed weakly, not wanting to sit up far enough to look myself.

  "Do you want orange or tomato?"

  The mention of tomato juice brought memories of last night's Bloody Marys to mind, and my stomach did a slow roll and dip to the left.

  "Orange will be fine," I said through gritted teeth, trying hard to talk, keep my mouth shut, and swallow at the same time.

  She favored me with a speculative glance.

  "Well, it wasn't Screwdrivers or Mimosas."

  "Excuse me?"

  "Never mind. Orange juice, coming up."

  I could have done without the "coming up" comment, but the juice tasted fine. I downed it in two long swallows. Strangely enough, it left me even more thirsty. Not that the juice wasn't a welcome input of cool moisture, but it made me realize just how dehydrated I was.

  "Any more of that?" I said hopefully.

  "Got a whole pitcher here," Bunny replied, gesturing toward the tray. "I had a hunch you were going to need more than one glass. Take it slow, though. I don't think it would be a good idea to gulp down a lot of cold liquid just yet."