by Tiana Cole
I’m so stupid… I’m so fucking stupid, she chided herself..
The accusation was more painful because this was not just about Tristan being rich and never mentioning it to her. This was not just about him going out and having sex with all these women. This was not even about her being pregnant with his child.
As much as she wanted to deny it, she knew it with certainty: she had fallen in love with him.
Cassidy swayed as she allowed the truth to wash over her. She knew the first time she laid eyes on him at the café. She'd waged a losing battle the moment she began to hope. Every day that she spent with him made that hope grow. It encompassed her entire being so much so that the pain right now was unbearable.
She doubled over in her grief. Crying left her tired and exhausted. When all the tears were depleted, she left the room and went back upstairs to her office. She gathered all her belongings and without saying a word, she left.
Outside, the streets of New York were vibrant with their neon lights all aglow. The buildings towered into the sky, their glass windows blinking like fireflies in the night. The sidewalks were filled with countless pedestrians moving quickly to their destinations. The air felt hot and humid with a promise of rain. It was an animated city, full of life.
But for Cassidy Johnson, New York City no longer held the promise that she'd once thought. She was like a grain of sand in an infinite shoreline. She had to leave the city and free herself from the clutches of obscurity that threatened to overwhelm her. She had to be strong for the life that had taken seed inside her belly. And she had to learn to do it alone.
***
The suitcase snapped into place as Cassidy Johnson bolted it firmly shut. The sound of the latch seemed so final. She had been dreading this day for some time now, but she realized she couldn’t postpone it any longer. She had to leave today or she might never have the courage to do so.
She glanced at the sleeping form lying so peacefully in the crib beside her bed. The sight of Dee never failed to evoke that warm protective feeling that only a mother could feel for her baby. She was cherubic with downy hair that was slowly turning into a rich brown color. Her cheeks, wide- spaced and plump as red apples, were moving rhythmically with the reddish lips that were sucking a chubby thumb.
Cassidy drew closer, avoiding the loose floorboard that creaked. She didn’t want to disturb the sleeping baby girl. The first blush of dawn was barely visible in the sky outside her window, and she had a few minutes to spare before she crept out of the house.
She stood by the edge of the crib, drinking in every feature like she was lost in a hot parched desert. The thought of being away from Dee was gut-wrenching, but Cassidy vowed the separation was only temporary. She had to go back to New York and look for a job if she wanted to be able to support her. Cassidy was grateful her mom and dad encouraged the idea, and they looked forward to caring for the baby while she was away.
Mom said Dee was a miracle that came into their lives. The thought of having a grandchild brought her so much pleasure and joy that her cancer went into remission. She said she'd never felt better, while Dad declared that having the baby with them while Cassidy was away gave them a new purpose in life.
Dee stirred slightly in her sleep as a ghost of a smile formed on her angelic face. Cassidy watched, fascinated at the serene and innocent face as her mind traveled back to that day a year ago…
Chapter Nine
Cassidy stood outside the door of Dr. Perry’s office, terrified and confused, her body shaking uncontrollably, but determined to go through with it. She wanted an abortion done quickly. That was the only solution, she thought. No one knew she was pregnant, not even the father of her child.
Summoning her courage, she twisted the doorknob and entered the reception area to the doctor’s clinic. The room was empty except for the nurse who was flicking through a magazine and sitting behind the counter. She looked up and gave Cassidy a smile.
Please don’t, mommy. Please give me a chance.
Cassidy whipped her head about, in search of the voice. It sounded like a whispered plea inside her mind. She stood frozen in her tracks.
“Yes, Miss… can I help you?” the nurse asked, noting the stricken look on her face.
“I-I-I…” Cassidy stuttered.
“You came to see Dr. Perry?”
”Yes… I… I… No! No! No! I can’t do it.”
Cassidy slowly backed towards the door, pulled it open, and ran as fast as her legs could carry her. She was out of breath when she came to a halt and staggered to a nearby bench. Her mind was in turmoil. The discovery of Tristan’s numerous indiscretions with the escort girls at the agency where she worked drove her insane. Now she was racked with guilt for even thinking about aborting her baby.
Why? Why? Why, oh, Tristan, why? She wept, burying her head in her hands.
The sobs that shook her body were a futile attempt to wash away the knowledge that he was a sex addict. Recognizing him in the video and discovering that part of his personality was flawed was a cruel twist of fate. Coupled with Brian’s revelation that her boyfriend was a billionaire, Cassidy wondered what else did she not know about the man with whom she was in love.
Eventually the tears dried up and she came to a decision. She didn’t want an abortion, but she had to leave New York City. It was the best thing to do. She would collect her things at Tristan’s apartment before he returned. She never wanted to see him again. He didn’t have to know about the baby she was carrying. Ron was taken by surprise over her sudden decision to leave the café.
“If this is about the girls giving you shit for having a rich boyfriend, I’ll deal with it. They’re probably just envious over your luck, Cass.”
Cassidy shook her head.
It wasn’t just about the girls giving her strange looks and talking behind her back — like it was her fault her boyfriend happened to be a billionaire. No one believed she didn’t know about that. Her explanation that she thought Tristan had rich parents sounded lame in her ears. Even Brian, the nerdy newcomer at the café, was skeptical she didn’t know anything about the man she was sleeping with. He repeated like a mantra that Tristan Jones-Dell, IT expert, and owner of the largest warehouse in Silicon Valley, was a billionaire.
“You sure you’re not gonna change your mind about leaving?” Ron asked, handing her an envelope with cash inside. “Gossip will go away, Cass. You don’t have to leave, you know.”
Cassidy knew she had to leave, though. This gossip would definitely not go away. Not with a belly that would eventually announce to the whole world that she was pregnant. No. Things would just get more complicated.
She took a bus to the Upper East Side and walked the few blocks to the apartment building where Tristan lived. She prayed he hadn’t returned while she was away. The interior of the house was dark but she knew her way around. She entered the bedroom that she shared with him. Her heart felt heavy regret at the thought of what she was leaving behind. She collected her belongings, and as she made her way out, she glanced once again at the prints he had pinned on the wall. Even to her amateur eyes she knew these were amazing photographs.
Oh, Tristan, why couldn’t you be who I thought you were?
Everything she knew about him was hinged on a lie.
Forty-eight hours later, she was on a Greyhound bus bound for Birmingham, Alabama. Cassidy decided to stay for a few days with Aunt Mattie, her father’s sister. Her mom and dad were just an hour’s drive away in Tuscaloosa. She needed time to think. Now that she was here, she didn’t know what to do next. She was afraid of confronting her folks with the news that she was pregnant. Surely they would be thoroughly disappointed. They always thought she was the most sensible girl in the world.
Aunt Mattie was bent over and suffered from arthritis. She was a placid woman with graying hair and astute eyes that could see through her anguish. She didn’t pry, but knew that Cassidy was weighed down about something.
“Tell them, honey. Whatever i
t is that’s buggin’ you, tell your momma and papa. They’ll understand,” Aunt Mattie said.
Cassidy took Aunt Mattie’s advice and went home the very next day. Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest as she entered the gate leading to the house. Her mom, looking frail and weakened, opened the door even before Cassidy reached the porch. The look of incredulity was immediately replaced by delight at the sight of her. Astonishment took over as Cassidy came rushing straight into her arms. Mom led her to the kitchen where her equally astonished dad was seated at the table drinking coffee.
“Cassidy, honey, why didn’t you call and let us know you were coming? I could have come and picked you up at the bus stop!”
Cassidy saw the look that passed between her folks. They had been married so long that sometimes words simply weren’t needed. Dad ushered his distraught daughter into a chair, making certain his wife was comfortably seated too.
Dad bustled about in the kitchen heating a kettle of water. He had one of those vintage thermos flasks in which he stored boiling water. Cassidy often teased him about getting a modern coffee maker, but her dad refused, saying the flask was what made the coffee taste delicious.
“Tea, mama?” he asked, and Mom nodded.
Cassidy knew it was all part of the daily routine that made up their life together. Her mom never drank anything except chamomile tea.
“For me too, Dad.”
Dad raised an eyebrow in surprise. His daughter never drank tea. She hated it. Yet he said nothing and produced another cup for her. As the three sat there in comfortable silence, Cassidy knew her mom and dad wouldn’t ask her any questions. Not if she wasn’t ready to talk about whatever was troubling her.
“How are you doing, mom?” Cassidy asked. “Is the cancer any better than before?”
The last time she talked to her dad when she was back in New York, he'd said that her mom’s cancer had progressed and she'd needed more chemo.
“I’m doin’ well, considering…” her mom replied. “Oh, we haven’t told you the good news yet. Dad managed to sell the property along the river, remember that? He got a good offer for it.”
"Oh, mom, you and dad loved that cabin. We spent a lot of good times there when I was growing up,” Cassidy protested tearfully. She felt so helpless against the ravages cancer had made to her Mom’s body, and now it was eating up their assets.
“I know, honey,” her dad replied, reaching out a hand to pat hers. “But it was getting so dang rundown and the four-hour trip wasn’t worth it no more. Besides, the guy who bought it said he would restore the cabin and make it really nice. Even offered to let us stay for free any time we wanted to.”
“Dad, I’m really sorry I couldn’t send more money to help with the repairs.”
“Don’t be crazy, honey. You were a big help… always. We knew that we shouldn’t depend so much on your kindness, ’cause you have a big life out there in New York. It wasn’t fair to you at all. New York must be expensive. We’re really sorry we couldn’t come and visit either… your mom bein’ sick and all.”
“So… how’s work? You doin’ okay?” Mom asked.
Cassidy remembered the reason she was home and knew that the time to tell them the truth was now. She drew a deep breath and replied, “I resigned from my job at Ron's Good Beans Cafe. I had that other job, and I resigned from there too.”
Her mom and dad looked at her seriously. Both said nothing. Only looks of patience and understanding were written on both their faces. Those looks opened the floodgates once more as tears began to stream down her face.
“Whatever, it is, Cass, it can’t be so bad,” her dad consoled her.
“Oh, dad, I’m so ashamed of myself. I met this man, and… and…”
Mom and dad reached out and took each of Cassidy’s hands. Dad squeezed her lightly, while Mom caressed her wrist with her thumb.
Cassidy haltingly began her story. She told them how she’d been incredulous when she told them about that first meeting when Tristan left her a $500.00 tip under the coffee cup. The flowers that arrived the next day were equally surprising, but these gestures started her off on her journey to expectation. She was elated when he came back looking for her and took her out to dinner. She spared nothing about going back to his apartment where they made love for the first time.
Her parents listened attentively with no reproach and no judgment, even when she divulged she‘d been working at an escort agency. They shared her joy, her pain, and her horror of seeing the video of him with all those women. They, too, were stunned to hear that he was a very rich man pretending to be a photographer.
“So… you made a mistake. That’s alright, honey. You have very little experience and this Tristan… he sounded like such a swell guy,” mom said.
“Oh, mom,” Cassidy sobbed, overwhelmed with the sympathy. “I didn’t leave New York just because he broke my heart… I left… I left because… I’m pregnant with his baby.”
A momentary silence ensued.
Her dad’s voice sounded different when he asked, “Does he know?”
Cassidy shook her head, and for the first time was uncertain if she did the right thing by not letting Tristan know. She had debated with herself. He was rich and the money would surely make things easier. Yet, somehow, the thought of his addiction made the idea disgusting. She didn’t want her baby tainted in any way.
“How far along are you?” mom asked softly, glancing at her belly.
“Three or four months… I think.” After a short pause, Cassidy added, “I... I almost decided to have an abortion. But I couldn’t go through with it.”
“Cassidy Johnson, you will do right by that baby. Never, ever, do anything that will harm that sweet bundle of joy. Do you hear me?” Mom admonished, as Cassidy nodded her head meekly.
Mom demanded that she take a rest in her bedroom, saying all that traveling must not be good for the little one.
Cassidy went upstairs to her old room. It was exactly as she had left it years ago. The quilted green and yellow patchwork quilt her mom made for her eighteenth birthday still covered the bed. The music box dad bought for her was on the dresser, along with some of her favorite combs and hair ornaments. The trophy she won when she joined the beauty contest stood on a pedestal tucked in one corner of the bedroom. The sash bearing her contestant number was wound against the base of the tall trophy.
Approaching her bed, she glanced up and saw the poster of Brad Pitt as Tristan Ludlow from the movie ‘Legends of the Fall.’ Somehow the poster stirred up memories of a rainy night in New York City. Cassidy stood on the bed, ripped the poster off, tore it to shreds, and tossed it away.
That purging act made her feel so much better, like she was expunging some ghost that had hovered over her. She realized her mom was right. She was exhausted from the long journey from New York to Birmingham, and then on to home. However, she didn’t feel as burdened anymore. She actually felt relieved, lighter; like a great load was taken from her shoulders.
Cassidy stifled a yawn as she stretched out on her old bed. Everything felt familiar, welcoming, and secure. She closed her eyes, intent on getting some sleep, when a strange fluttering inside her tummy made her eyes open widely in surprise.
There it was again. An odd feeling like there was a butterfly inside her stomach. Cassidy gasped as the realization hit her. Her baby was moving for the very first time.
Chapter Ten
Cassidy spent the next few months reading books. She went to the public library and came home with tons of paperbacks about how to care for newborn babies. Her mom laughed at her worries and apprehensions.
“Of course you’ll learn how to change a diaper. It’s not rocket science, silly.”
“How about formulas, mom? How often do I feed the baby? And vitamins? Which one should I choose? There are so many options. How do I know which one is the best?”
“You’re working yourself up for no reason,” her mom tried to calm her. “Babies are born almost every day, and I’
m sure the doctor will tell you what to do. Now calm down and eat. You need to keep healthy for the little one.”
“Mom,” Cassidy wailed, "I’ll never be ready for this.”
“No one is ever ready to be a mom, Cass. But your instincts will tell you what is best for you and the baby. Just relax and enjoy the experience. That’s the best you can do.”
Cassidy devoured all the books she could get her hands on. She took down notes, indicating the schedule for vaccination shots and doctor’s visits. She never realized there were so many things to do for such little creatures.
As her understanding increased every day, she realized just how much her mom and dad must have gone through to raise her. She felt such gratitude for everything they’d done. At least they had each other to depend on. But she had no one. It was a depressing thought that she struggled to shake off. Would Tristan make a good father? She couldn’t keep the thought away.
Against her will, her thoughts would wander to Tristan and how he was doing. Was he surprised to find her gone? Did he even try to look for her at the coffee shop? Did he know that she had gone back home? No, how would he know that? He had sent her a couple of text messages but she hadn’t replied.
Stop it… stop it, Cassidy, she admonished herself. That part of your life is gone. You’ll never see him again. Just thank your lucky stars you managed to escape when you did.
The memories would often bring a sharp pain, but as time went by, she thought less and less about the man she had learned to love but lost. A liar is not to be trusted. First he’d kept the secret of his money. That was bewildering and if she had asked he might have had a reason. Should she have asked? It didn’t matter now.
The real betrayal was the girls. It was bad enough that he lied by keeping his addiction from her. But, despite the rational part of her head, she felt a deep hurt. He had pretended that he cared about her. Their time together had seemed so easy.