by Ana Mardoll
"She said just drafts today, Elric," I protest weakly. Quickly, I snatch up my shoes, my purse, and my bundle of clothes, deciding to change at home and give back Elric's clothes later. "Nothing finalized. I don't think she's expecting miracles. You should call her! I have to meet her at Dakota's, so I'm going to get moving. I'll see you later!" Hastily, I close the door behind me as he lets out a string of profanity that I'm sure he wouldn't say to Celia's face.
I lean against the duplex door, deeply inhaling the clean morning air, and try to concentrate on looking like a normal adult human and not an emotional mess. I'm not sure how well I succeed, but none of the residents of his complex give me a second glance as they head to their cars. I suppose a sleep-disheveled girl leaving Elric's place with her clothes tucked under her arm is not an unusual occurrence around here. I clutch my purse and clothes a little tighter and head to my car, still parked where Tox came out yesterday.
The drive to my own apartment is blessedly uneventful. Despite Celia saying it wasn't necessary, I decide to leave a message with Athena. I don't have to square my absence with her as she's not really my employer; the bookstore is in Celia's name, since Athena refused to have a legal identity. But she's my friend and I don't want her to think I'm ill or angry, so I leave a voicemail explaining the situation. While I have my phone out, I also jot off a text to Mina letting her know I'm coming, and then I whip through a quick shower.
Celia hasn't said what she wants me for, but I figure a sun-dress in summer can't go wrong. I pull on a cream-colored chiffon dress that stops just above the knees, has a wrist-length sleeve on one side and a bare shoulder on the other to show off my rose tattoo. I push away any thoughts as to why I'm dressing up this morning, managing to keep introspection at bay until I get down to the car. Then the anxiety kicks in.
What will I say when I get to Mina's apartment? Lavender is my best friend and my roommate, Clarent quite literally saved my life, and yesterday the three of us kissed. A simple greeting after all that doesn't seem right, but at the same time I don't want to belabor the point. I need to convey that I'm happy for them to be together, that I'm not upset, and I'm still their friend. I've made my choice and am at peace with being alone.
But that's a lie. I'm not at peace, and I'm not sure I've made my choice. Memories of the previous night with Elric come rushing back, along with the reality I've put off thinking about: I'm not merely poisonous but also a lure. How can I tell Clarent he only likes me because of my touch? If it's true, does that mean he only likes Lavender for her touch? Do she and I only like each other because of fae magic? I can't accept that. Lavender is worth loving, and the affection I feel for her could never have come from the May Queen.
So where does that leave me? Either Elric is wrong, or there's something I still don't know about my own body.
I pull up to Mina's complex to see that she and Lavender and Clarent are already outside. Her ground-floor apartment has a tiny gated patio with a small glass-topped table; she's made breakfast, and the three of them are soaking up the brief window of cool morning air before the sun gets too high. The sight of them takes my breath away for a moment; they look like something out of a magazine, all three bright and beautiful in the dawn light.
Lavender is her usual casual self, and Celia must have taken them by our apartment so that she could fetch her clothes. Ripped jeans, a gray ribbed shirt with dark purple sleeves, and brown leather ankle boots complement the lavender curls that cascade over her shoulders. Clarent, in contrast, has been coaxed out of his plaid work-clothes from yesterday so that Mina can dress him in a dark sports coat and a crisp white dress-shirt. His shirt opens at the base of the neck, providing a glimpse of bright silver and warm brown, and my stomach turns to jelly at his new confident poise.
Mina, our beautiful seductress, is her usual stunning self, dripping with sex appeal from head to toe. Her dark eyes are dusted with smoky eyeliner, her full lips are a warm dark pink and her fawn-colored skin glows in the morning light. The dusk-rose dress she's wearing is sheer lace over the stomach and above her cleavage, showing tantalizing hints of soft ample flesh framed by glossy black hair. She's big and beautiful and completely desirable; she was surely attractive before she was taken to the otherworld, but now she is nothing short of divine.
As I park the car, I realize they haven't seen me yet. Mina is laughing and telling one of her stories in between bites of naan bread spread with butter and jam. Lavender is curled up in her chair nursing a cup of more cream than coffee, if I know her. Clarent is enjoying Mina's idli, the little steamed rice cakes I used to help her make from a packaged mix. I watch them eat and talk, my heart twisting at how happy they look without me. I'm about to walk up and ruin that.
Damn! I should have let Celia come on her own.
I take a deep breath and step out of the car, pasting a smile on my face. Their heads swivel at the sound of my car door. Mina's face lights up in a grin, always happy to see me, and I'm more gratified than I should be to see similarly bright smiles bloom on the faces of Clarent and Lavender. Before I can reach them Clarent rises from his seat, places his broad hands on the low patio railing and vaults easily over to join me.
"Rose!" His deep honeyed voice is full of happy relief, like he can't quite believe it's me. He wraps his hands around my waist and lifts me in a playful spin, which ends as he lowers me against him into a cool kiss no less passionate for its metallic temperature. Behind him I can hear Mina and Lavender giggling.
"H-Hello!" I manage breathlessly when the kiss breaks. He's staring down at me, glittering brightly in the sunlight, almost painful to look at. Lavender leans over the patio fence, chuckling and shaking her head.
"Don't I get a hug?" she teases, grinning brightly.
I swallow hard, wishing my heart weren't beating quite so loudly. "Well, come and get it," I offer, trying to sound casual. She laughs again and leans over to kiss Mina before disappearing inside, having decided not to copy Clarent's vault.
He grins at this but his expression quickly turns sheepish. "Sorry," he murmurs, leaning forward to touch his forehead to mine. "I know I said I'd ask before kissing. I was just so excited to see you."
"I'm glad to see you, too," I hasten to reassure him, feeling myself mellow under his unflappable cheer. "How are you? Are you adjusting well?" My eyes travel over him, taking in his warm, untroubled smile and the easy way he wears his new clothes. "You look amazing," I admit, a warm blush spreading through my cheeks.
An answering dark flush creeps into his own under my gaze. "Thanks." He rubs shyly at the back of his neck. "I felt more normal in the clothes Celia gave me, but Mina said it was important to try lots of different things to see what feels familiar." His smile broadens. "I'm glad you like them. I'm glad you're here! Mina said you were coming, and that we're all going to see Celia? I was afraid—"
The front door bursts open and Lavender springs out with her light step. She must have slept last night, I conclude; she seems much more her normal self now that she isn't suffering from sleep deprivation and adrenaline-soaked worry. The scents of sweet honeysuckle and lavender fill the air around her, hope and happiness trailing on the breeze. "Here I am!" she announces, bounding up to wrap me in a tight hug.
My hands come up automatically and I almost bury my face unthinkingly in her neck. Just in time I remember to jerk my head to the side, preventing my lips from touching her skin. I don't want to cry; I promised myself I wouldn't make a scene, but I can feel the tears well up in my eyes. She's soft and she's warm, and all I want is for Clarent to make me human again. If he changed me I could hold her without fear, I could cover her in kisses and be happy.
Her fingers clutch at my bare shoulder and the smell of her invades my lungs. I want her right now, and the need is so much stronger than any magic. I care about her, yes, and about Clarent, but more than that I need to touch someone and to be touched in return. I must have been with people before I was taken, but for what feels like years I've had no real
human contact.
Now here I am, being hugged by Lavender and freshly kissed by Clarent. I can choose a life of selfish pleasure with the people I love most, or I can grit my teeth and do something useful to try to make up for all the pain I've caused.
"Here you are," I agree softly, gently letting go of Lavender and taking a step back. I give her a wan smile, trying to act as usual. "I was, uh, telling Clarent how much I like his new clothes."
"Isn't he pretty?" she asks with a wry grin, giving him a shameless once-over. "Mina dressed him up. I'm not any help with fashion, but I know what I like."
His blush doesn't retreat but he looks more at ease now. "I was informed," he says solemnly, "that next on the agenda would be a suit and tie; possibly even a tuxedo." His lips quirk at the edges in a smile that he is trying not to show. "Shall I be pretty then, do you think?"
I bite back my own grin. "You look uncommonly pretty no matter what you wear," I admit, giving up the fight for the moment. "Yes, we're supposed to go see Celia, but let me talk to Mina for a minute?"
He blinks at the echo from yesterday's banter and breaks into a wide smile. "But am I uncommonly pretty when I'm not wearing anything at all?" he teases, his voice a warm purr in the summer air. Before I can respond, he kisses my forehead. "I'll wait in the car," he announces cheerily. "Lavs says we have to see if I know how to work the air-conditioning before she'll consider trusting me to drive."
I stare after him, blinking in surprise. Lavender smirks at me, smelling of fond marigolds; Mina watches us both, her hazel eyes full of laughter beneath her smoky eyeshadow. "You didn't waste any time teaching him how to talk sexy," I observe, clearing my throat and giving Mina a look.
"I didn't do anything!" she protests with a warm laugh. "He's a terrible tease once he gets past his shyness; you'll see. And it's so unfair, Rose, watching you two kiss and not being able to have any of it."
"It is," Lavender agrees in a low murmur, her lips twitching.
I swallow hard. "You both had him last night, surely," I insist weakly. "Isn't that enough?"
Mina and Lavender exchange an odd look, then Mina laughs and shakes her head. Taking another dainty bite of her breakfast, she delicately wipes away a dot of dark raspberry jam from the corner of her mouth. "No, dear," she says cheerfully between mouthfuls, "I haven't had a single kiss from him. It's so vexing."
I glance back at the car where Clarent sits quietly, intently studying the knobs on the dashboard. "He didn't—?" I look to Lavender for help; if she was willing to share Clarent with me, surely she would have leaped at the chance to do so with Mina.
Mina grins and takes a sip of her coffee. "Rose, darling, you must know that not everyone falls for me." She winks at us. "Not that I wouldn't love to try with either or both of you."
Lavender's own cheeks are coloring now, a faint pink under her pallor. "I think I'll go wait in the car with Clarent," she says, beating a fast retreat. I stare after her in some confusion.
"Naan?" Mina offers mildly. She holds out a piece to me and I take it automatically, biting numbly into the soft sweetness.
"So, uh, did they—?" I attempt to ask, nodding towards the car. I know I shouldn't ask; it's none of my business. I'm happy for them, though I wish I could be included too.
Mina gives me a fond look and takes pity on me. "No, dear," she says gently, leaning forward over the railing. She hands me Lavender's cup of coffee to wash down the bread. "We watched movies. He asked a lot of questions about living earthside. We dressed him up in some of the clothes I keep for the newbies. We talked about you an awful lot. They fell asleep on the couch midway through the third movie. I drew a blanket over them and went to bed." Her eyes gaze softly at me. "They missed you."
Tears spring to my eyes, accompanying a thick lump in my throat that the coffee can't wash down. "He's fresh out," I stammer quietly. "She's lonely. They don't need me. He barely knows me!"
She gives me a dry look, her lips twisted in that teasing way of hers. "Rose, she's lived with you for three months and you helped her escape, so I think she's allowed a crush on you. And why shouldn't he like you? You're pretty and sweet and you saved each other's lives. He isn't trying to marry you, darling; he just wants some kisses." She gives me a long look over her cup of tea. "As do I, for the record," she teases. "Are you going to argue with me too?"
"I should," I mutter. "I'm supposed to be arguing with them. Everything keeps being so complicated."
Mina nods in sympathy. "It's hard sometimes," she says gently, "deciding how to live your life, when all you remember is being a captive. You didn't have any choice for a long time and now you have too many choices, with no easy way to narrow down what's realistic and healthy and wise." She shakes her head sadly, her silken hair slipping over her shoulders.
"I've made my choice, though," I insist, though the words feel less firm in my mouth than they had in my mind. "Did they tell you? Clarent could cure me, but if I stay poisonous Joel can use my venom to heal people."
She smiles at me, her eyes still sad. "That's a noble choice, Rose," she says quietly. "No one should tell you that you shouldn't do that, if it's what you want." She reaches out very gently to touch my cheek. "But if you go that route, you should do it because it makes you happy and not because of what your faery forced you to do."
"I'm still responsible, though," I whisper, leaning into her fingertips. I'm almost in tears from the sweet relief of being touched by another person and the sharp longing for more.
She's quiet for a moment. "Maybe I'm wrong," she admits. "But, Rose, we've learned the hard way how fragile life can be. My advice is to live your life as fully as you can." She smiles, mischief dancing in her eyes. "And, Rose, there's nothing to say you can't be Joel's petri dish for a few months and then human afterwards. You can do both; it doesn't have to be a permanent sacrifice."
Silently I stand there, basking in the warm morning sunlight and her soft touch. "I'll think about it, Mina."
She chuckles at my reluctance. "You do that, Rose. You deserve to have fun." Her grin widens. "I'm just sorry I couldn't break him in for you!"
My cheeks erupt in a bright burn. "I'll, ah, pass the offer along if you like."
Mina grins. "It's fine," she says, waving her hand airily. "Celia sent a text earlier saying that Kieran could use someone to vent to and that Elric wasn't picking up. I might give him a call." She winks at me. "But, um, Rose?"
I'm already moving back towards the car, not wanting to keep Clarent and Lavender waiting any longer. The tentative note in Mina's voice checks my step and I look back. "Yes?"
She fiddles uncertainly with her teacup. "Well, darling, you're not very— and he's— well—"
I frown, thoroughly puzzled; I've never seen her shy away from any topic. "Mina?"
She fidgets a moment longer before looking up at me with tender concern. "Rose, it's just I was thinking that, if you wanted to practice first, I have a metal dildo around here somewhere that you could borrow."
My eyebrows rise so rapidly I'm not sure they haven't ascended to a higher plane. "Mina! No. No, thank you, but no." I dart back to the car, mumbling incoherent farewells over my shoulder, ignoring the intrigued looks from Clarent and Lavender at the sight of my flushed face.
Chapter 17
"Rose, did Celia say why she wanted to see us?"
We've tacitly decided not to discuss my conversation with Mina, which suits me fine. Clarent has finished fiddling with the air-conditioning knobs, declaring that he remembers cars perfectly well. I'm a touch skeptical of his confidence, as he needed quite a bit of guidance from Lavender. I make a mental note to offer him driving lessons after we're done at Dakota's.
I shake my head at Lavender, glancing up at the rearview mirror to make eye contact with her. "No, she didn't say why, not exactly. But Tox is supposed to be there; Dakota has offered to adopt them. Celia told Elric that she wanted identities drafted for Tox and Clarent today, so my guess is we'll be doing paperwork together."
>
Lavender nods at this and makes a good effort at looking game for anything, but I can already smell musty geraniums and spicy clover, mingled apathy and anxiety filling the backseat of the car. Our own paperwork experiences do not bode well for today's activities: long boring stretches of watching Elric work, punctuated by short bursts of frustration and tears when memories refused to come.
I glance over at Clarent, who is looking out the window with his unreadable silver eyes. "Did Mina explain that we'll be making up an identity for you?"
He nods, looking back to me with a solemn expression. "Yes. I need papers out here among the normal humans; licenses and birth certificates, she said, and work and credit history. Names of places I'm supposed to have lived, and of people I've known." He looks a little overwhelmed at the thought. "She made some suggestions, but nothing sounded familiar."
"Sometimes memories come back slowly," I say gently. "That's why we try different things: clothing, food, books. You're not alone; we'll help you. Everyone will. You've met Athena already, but there are others. Celia will want Lily to see you; she's been out of town and we haven't met her yet either, but she's supposed to be a whiz with accents and languages. She's placed a lot of people's hometowns."
"And even if you never remember, that's perfectly okay," Lavender assures him, reaching up to touch his shoulder. "We've been out for three months now and still don't remember who we were. It isn't too bad, you know? More like a fresh chance to be whoever we want, without any baggage."
He nods, looking thoughtful. "That makes sense. I guess I can't go back to my former life anyway, even if I remember it; could I?" He looks down at his metal body, examining the sleek silver of his arms. I wonder if a normal human would feel the unnatural smoothness under his disguise of skin, that slippery satin texture where hair should be.
"No," I agree softly, keeping my voice as gentle as I can. "Most of us can't. Celia says some of us have tried in the past, but it rarely goes well. We have to explain to families and friends why we were absent for months or years, with no answers anyone would believe. And if the authorities become involved, things can get complicated and even dangerous."