With or Without You

by Shari Low

  The tears were falling down Sasha’s face now: silent, broken.

  Nate stopped to steady himself, then went on.

  ‘I won’t talk about the challenges he had because we can’t change what happened and that’s not how he would want to be remembered. Instead, I’ll use his own words. “Live fast, die young”, he used to say, as he embarked on yet another wild idea. And we’d cheer him on because he was a force of nature that we all thought was unstoppable. We were wrong.’

  He paused again, this time to wipe away a single tear that was rolling down his cheek. ‘That’s a sorrow that we may never learn to live with. Justin will always be a part of us. We, our group, you see, we’re more than friends. We’re a family who picked each other and, on any day, in any lifetime, I would pick Justin Donnelly again. He was on this earth for forty-three years. We only wish he could have been here for forty-three more.’

  So many tears were falling now, Nate, Sasha, Chloe, me…

  I wondered if they would ever stop.

  Chapter Eighteen

  A New Dawn

  January 2016

  ‘I look ridiculous. I’m taking this off. Has anyone got a match? Anyone? I’ll pay you to set fire to this dress.’

  Everyone in the room knew Sasha well, so no one paid the least bit of attention.

  Besides, she was oh-so wrong. She was wearing one of the most beautiful gowns I’d ever seen. The sleeveless bodice was overlaid with lace and cut into a V at the front and back, cinched in tight at the waist, and then the satin skirt flowed down to the floor. With her hair pulled back, curls tumbling down her back, she looked like a fifties screen goddess. One who was still muttering strenuous objections.

  ‘I mean, it’s white for God’s sake. I’ve been having sex since I was fifteen.’

  ‘Eh, do we need to know that?’ Nate shouted from the sofa in the corner where the guys had congregated. Sasha had dismissed all that superstition stuff about the groom not seeing the bride on the big day. She reckoned they’d already survived so much that a bit of bad luck would barely register.

  ‘Don’t get jealous,’ Sasha retorted, playfully baiting him, ‘It was over so quickly I can barely remember it.’

  The sound of Nate’s laughter almost drowned out the fact that Sasha was still moaning. No matter how many times I saw them like this, it never failed to thrill me. It had been a sad six months after Justin died – half a year of healing and learning to live without him – before they’d finally acknowledged their feelings for each other. Nate proposed a couple of months later, and despite her acute objection to the marital contract, she’d said yes to make him happy. Already they were like a couple who’d been together for decades, which, in some ways, they had been. I couldn’t be more happy for them. After everything they’d been through in the last few years, they deserved a lifetime of joy.

  There was something in their chemistry that just worked, something that Nate and I had never managed to pull off. I often wondered if we were just too similar to light that spark. It was as if Sasha, in all her frank, fearless ways, brought out a latent part of his personality that made him laugh more, love more, and just enjoy life more than he ever had. And vice versa, his solid reliability took the edge off her abrasiveness and gave her… what was it she’d said? Contentment. That was it. Total contentment. I thought once again how ironic was it that the thing that had made me run from my relationship with Nate, was the very same thing that made it work for Sasha. Contentment looked great on her. Almost as good as that dress.

  ‘Right are we ready?’

  That was me. Chloe and I were joint maids of honour, but she was in charge of flowers, jewellery, dress and shoes, and I was responsible for timekeeping and getting everyone to where they needed to be.

  ‘Let’s go people,’ I barked. ‘We’ve a wedding to go to.’

  ‘I can’t believe I let myself be talked into this. Nate, I’ll give you everything I own if you call this off and just let us live in sin. This dress is making me itch.’

  He came over and kissed her. ‘Nope, you’re marrying me. End of story. More walking, less talking, Mrs Jamieson.’

  The expression of disdain on her face had the rest of us howling with laughter.

  His words, adorable as they were, made me glad I’d changed my name when I married Richard. After we split up, I never got around to reverting to my maiden name, and then when Finn came along, it made sense for us to have the same surname so I’d kept it. Now, after Richard and I had followed up our spontaneous wedding by legalising our union in a Glasgow registry office, I was Mrs Liv Campbell.

  Sasha took a few steps towards the door, then spotted a partner in crime, newly delivered by his granny.

  ‘Finn, what do you think of this dress?’ she asked my son.

  He immediately wrinkled up his nose. He was going to be ten later this year. If it didn’t come as a football strip, a basketball kit, or with flippers and a snorkel, he wasn’t interested. He’d already threatened to leave home because I’d prised him out of the Chicago Bulls top his Uncle Connor had bought him for his last birthday. I’d had to bribe him with football stickers to wear the suit we’d bought him for the occasion.

  ‘I agree. Stick with me and take my mind off the fact that I look like I’ve escaped from a Disney parade.’

  She held out her hand and he automatically took it and fell into step with her. The very best thing about Nate and Sasha getting together? My son adored her and it was absolutely mutual. There wasn’t a time in his life that she hadn’t been there, making him laugh, playing with him, hatching plans to get into trouble. Their relationship was everything I could ever want and I was so grateful that he would go through life with Sasha as his step mum.

  We made our way downstairs to the function suite on the first floor where the rest of the guests were already waiting. There were about fifty people in total, friends, family, work colleagues, all congregated in a flower-filled room, with one wall that was floor-to-ceiling glass and overlooked the waters of the Clyde and the hills beyond. It was utterly breath-taking. The perfect setting for the perfect day.

  For the second time in his life, Finn walked the bride up the aisle. The last time, he was holding his grandmother’s hand. This time he was listening to her, as Ida sang a pitch perfect, moving version of ‘What a Wonderful World’, leaving us all dabbing at our mascara before proceedings even got underway.

  The celebrant, a humanist again, took a length of plaid fabric from the table beside him and tied their hands together, an old Scottish tradition called hand fasting, that signified that they were now forever bound together.

  When Nate was called upon to make his vows, he spoke loud and clear, his gaze never leaving his bride. ‘Sasha, every day I wake up and the first person I want to see is you. You’re the last person I want to look at before I sleep. You’re my friend, my love, and everything I could ever want. I’ll be there for you always, loving you, laughing with you, until the end of time.’

  ‘Sasha?’ The humanist prompted.

  Sasha didn’t move, didn’t say a word. It was as if she’d zoned out and lost the connection to what was going on altogether. My heart began to race. She was panicking. I could see it. For someone who didn’t do public displays of affection, who had never wanted to get married, who had been through years of emotional trauma, it was all too much.

  Nate could see it too. I watched as his brow furrowed in concern, as his gaze searched her eyes for answers.

  I reached for Chloe’s hand, as if by somehow joining forces we could will Sasha through this.

  Just when we thought all was lost, she finally found her voice.

  ‘Nate, I had a whole speech prepared, because I’m told that’s what a bride does at something like this.’

  The laughter gave her confidence, and she spoke just a little louder, a little clearer.

  ‘But they weren’t my words and they didn’t feel right.’

  That was true. She’d got them from an interne
t website that gave thousands of examples of catchy vows.

  ‘So I just want to keep it simple, to be true, and to say this. I will love you and Finn all my life. I may love him more than you sometimes, because he’s way cooler.’

  She winked at Finn when she said that and he dissolved into giggles, making my heart melt even more.

  ‘I’ll never lie, I’ll never cheat, and I’ll never walk away, no matter how tough it gets. And I know I should finish with a killer line, but I don’t have one. So instead, I’ll say this… I once heard a song that perfectly describes how I feel.’ This time her gaze went to Ida, who was beaming with pride. ‘Nate, in the words of The Drifters, and Ida, you’re some kind of wonderful.’

  ‘And so are you,’ he whispered, before leaning over, and sending the order of the ceremony into chaos by kissing his bride.

  Chloe and I cheered, clapped, cried again, then I squeezed the hand that was next to mine. As my husband turned to me and smiled, I couldn’t help thinking we’d all found the place we were meant to be.

  The bit in the middle…

  So in letting Nate go, Liv had ultimately found a relationship that was everything she’d ever wanted. Nate had found his soulmate too.

  But what if her decision had been different?

  What if she had stayed? Given it another shot?

  Would their marriage have been reignited, or would she have regretted hanging on to a love that belonged in the past?

  And would her friends’ lives have been changed as a result of her decision?

  Would they have taken a different turn, missed a cataclysmic event, found a better path in the road?

  Or are we all just pawns of some invisible force that has our destiny mapped out for us?

  Back, in the opening moments of the Millennium, Liv was about to take a step in a different direction…

  With Him

  From 1st Jan 2000…

  Chapter One

  Shortly After Midnight.

  1st January 2000

  After salutations, hugs and promises of better things to come, we’d all ended up on the dance floor, with three hundred other revellers welcoming in the new millennium.

  Sasha was dancing with Justin, her boyfriend of many years and Chloe was smooching with Rob, the guy she’d been dating for a year or so.

  Nate moved in close. ‘I’m going to go grab a drink. Coming?’

  I honestly didn’t want to be alone with him right now and have to respond to his bombshell about staying together.

  ‘No, I’m good here. I’ll catch up,’ I said, ignoring his quizzical look. As soon as he moved off, Sasha ditched her beloved – who was more than happy to carry on with his dance moves alone – and shuffled over to me.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she asked, while doing her best Britney dance to ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’.

  ‘Yes. No. I can’t believe he’s changed his mind and wants us to try again,’ I managed to say while still dancing, although admittedly my timing suffered. This was why I would never get a gig as a Britney tribute act. Well, that and the fact I couldn’t sing, didn’t look like a pop star and my chances of fitting in a size-ten designer frock were up there with my long-held, teenage hopes of George Michael one day becoming my new best friend.

  I could see Sasha wasn’t impressed. ‘It’s pretty predictable. He always does this.’ She had a point. Nate had backtracked on the decision to split a few times already.

  Britney was still warbling in the background as Sasha, still dancing while dispensing emotional advice, came back with another argument for the prosecution.

  ‘Liv, you know it’s not working. How long are you going to give it? I love you, but you’re wasting the best years of your life on a relationship that doesn’t make you happy.’

  ‘He does!’ I argued. I’m not sure why, because we both knew that it was only semantics. He did make me happy – but he didn’t make me blissful, intoxicated, thrilled, interested or excited about the future.

  We were back to the old ‘contentment’ thing.

  ‘You two are like flatmates. You need to get out there and live a little, otherwise you’re going to wake up one day and you’ll be thirty-five and regret the fact that you’ve spent half your adult life bored out of your buttocks.’

  That made me laugh. I knew she was right, but wasn’t this what marriage was about? Taking the crap bits with the good bits? Nate was a decent man, a good person, he loved me and he’d never deliberately hurt me. He was… safe.

  ‘What’s the evil one banging on about?’ Chloe asked, laughing, as she shuffled alongside us.

  ‘She’s telling me all the reasons it would be crazy to try again,’ I replied.

  Chloe’s eyes widened. ‘Don’t listen to her! Sasha, shut your mouth.’ They had been friends long enough that this incurred a roll of the eyes, rather than a sharp rebuke. We were like sisters who bickered frequently but woe betide anyone who got in between us. Chloe was still advocating for Mills & Boon. ‘Look, he loves you. You love him. Do you know how hard it is to find that?’

  She had a point. But then, she had dumped the love of her life, who’d promptly taken off to the USA and never been seen since, so I wasn’t worshipping at the heart-shaped temple of her deep romantic insights. Now she was dating Rob, who was perfectly acceptable, but I could see that her heart wasn’t in it.

  Sasha leaned in and I knew she was going to give me words of wisdom, clarity and spiritual guidance. ‘Okay, so here’s what to do…’

  I braced myself to receive wise musings.

  ‘…Get pissed, ignore the whole bloody thing and decide when you’re hungover, that way the pain will barely register.’

  Oprah should have this kind of insight on retainer.

  I wondered if the other groups of women on the dance floor were having life-changing conversations while torturing their feet to the sound of Miss Spears bemoaning the fact that her loneliness was killing her.

  She thought she had problems.

  The music changed and we were subjected to the sound of Steps announcing that ‘Love’s Got A Hold On My Heart’.

  I’d never had such a burning desire to unplug a speaker.

  No more dancing for me.

  I bailed out and left them to it. My eye caught Justin and Rob, who were now on their way to the bar in the corner of the room.

  I was about to head back over to the table when I realised that Nate was already there, looking utterly handsome in his open-neck shirt. He was watching me come towards him and the expectant expression on his lovely face told me that he wanted an answer I wasn’t ready to give.

  Two choices – flee or face him. Flee or face him. Flee or…

  Time to suck it up and face him.

  I slid into the seat next to him and rested my head on his shoulder. Safe. There was a lot to be said for it. What if I walked away and never found another love that even came close to this one? What if my expectations were just too high? What if I realised it was a mistake somewhere down the road and he’d already met someone else and I couldn’t get him back? That was exactly what had happened to Chloe. She’d ended a relationship with a guy she loved and she’d regretted it ever since.

  Hadn’t I done the whole ‘till death do us part’ thing? At no point in our wedding vows was there a get-out clause for ‘if you just think it’s all gone a tad stale’.

  And surely the fact that I was still asking myself ‘What If…?’ meant that I wasn’t one hundred per cent positive that I was doing the right thing in packing my bags and calling it a day.

  ‘Sorry,’ he murmured. ‘You don’t need to give me an answer right now. We can talk about it tomorrow. Or whenever.’

  I should have said there was no more discussion to be had, but that tiny chink of uncertainty had affected my vocal cords. The music had switched again and the DJ was slowing things down. Martine McCutcheon was obviously on the side of love as she began to belt out ‘Perfect Moment’.

  Not bloody perfect. Not even
close.

  But maybe this song was a sign.

  I shouldn’t give up yet.

  I said nothing until the track ended, thinking it through, making my mind up.

  We had to give it one more try. It was a new century, so perhaps we’d somehow find a new dimension to our relationship, one that made it work and shaped it into everything we wanted it to be.

  Yep, we could do this. Or at least, we owed it to each other to keep trying.

  Sasha appeared, dragging Justin behind her. ‘Right, we’re going upstairs so I can welcome in the New Year by shagging this gorgeous man.’ He was laughing, his arms tight around her, obviously in agreement with this plan.

  A spark of jealousy flared. Had we ever been like that? Surely, we must have been at the beginning? Of course we were. I just couldn’t remember a specific example.

  I emptied my champagne glass in one gulp, then grabbed the bottle.

  ‘Yeah, I think we’re going to do the same,’ I said, smiling as I felt Nate’s arm tighten around me. Safe. Content. Surely there was something to be said for that?

  I didn’t even want to look at Sasha’s undoubtedly disapproving gaze, so I didn’t. Decision made, I just stood up, kissed her cheek, then waved goodbye to Chloe and Rob as Nate and I passed the dance floor on the way out.

  In the lobby, a very drunk man was reassuring two paramedics that he was absolutely fine and that there was nothing wrong with him that another drink wouldn’t cure. As we waited for the lift, I watched them pack up and leave, no doubt entirely pissed off that their time had been wasted.

  The lift was full, so we didn’t speak until we got into the room.

  ‘You changed your mind?’ he said hopefully, as soon as the door was closed.

  I took a swig of champagne.

  ‘I did,’ I said. ‘I don’t want to know what it feels like to be without you.’

  And I’m a raging coward who just doesn’t have the courage to do this in case it’s a bloody huge mistake. I omitted to say any of that out loud.