With or Without You

by Shari Low

  At least she kept her voice low and gentle, as opposed to her normal decibel level that came close to cracking windows. I wondered if my son would grow up to have any latent, deep-rooted memory that the first song he ever heard was James Brown’s ‘I Feel Good’, sung by his grandmother when he was just a few hours old.

  Polly, the charge nurse on the maternity ward, popped in just as Ida was fading out the last chorus. I’d met her back when we were young, wide-eyed, Pot-Noodle-fuelled students. We were in the same halls of residence, although she was studying midwifery while I was in general nursing, and she’d slept over many a time on Ida’s couch, so none of this was a surprise to her.

  ‘How are you doing, gorgeous?’ Polly asked.

  ‘Oh, I’m great, love,’ Ida replied, her gaze still on Finn, so she was unaware that the question had been directed at me. I didn’t correct her.

  Polly laughed, hugged Nate, then me, before cooing over Finn, still sleeping in Ida’s arms.

  ‘Thanks for letting Nate and my mum stay with me,’ I said gratefully. Dads usually only got to stick around for a couple of hours after the birth, so I appreciated Polly bending the rules to let Nate linger and allow my mum in.

  ‘That’s okay. We were just in luck that the other bed was empty. We have someone coming up for it later this afternoon, though.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll kick them out before then,’ I assured her, smiling.

  I heard a bell ring in the distance and checked my watch: 2 p.m. Visiting time. The hours were just flying by.

  ‘Great. But are you feeling up to more visitors? I think you might have some other people waiting to meet this little guy,’ she said with a grin, just as Chloe, Sasha and Justin burst in the door, laden with balloons and gifts, and swamped us all in hugs and kisses, before converging on Ida and my boy.

  ‘He’s so handsome,’ Chloe gasped, tears in her eyes.

  Chloe and Sasha fussed over Finn, while Justin shook hands with Nate, and I realised something was jarring with me. Maybe it was the harsh fluorescent light, or perhaps he’d been on a bender last night, but Justin was definitely starting to show signs that his lifestyle was leaving its mark. He looked older than the rest of us, maybe five years, maybe even ten. His body still looked trim thanks to the daily gym workouts, but there was a bloatedness to his face, a red tinge to his cheeks, and his eyes seemed to be shrinking in size. I had no idea how Sasha could fail to notice, but perhaps the denial was just all-encompassing. It was all the more surprising, because if there was anyone on this earth who could face a challenge head-on, it was Sasha – a point proven by the fact that she’d just managed to gently wrestle Finn from a highly unimpressed Ida’s grip.

  ‘Hey, I’m your Auntie Sasha,’ she said, with a sweetness completely unfamiliar to her. ‘I’m the cool one. I’ll be the one you’ll call when you’re in trouble, or falling out of a nightclub at 3 a.m., because I’ll come and get you and I’ll never tell your parents. Oh, and condoms. I’ll buy your condoms, so don’t ever be afraid to ask.’ I was about to order her to stop corrupting his innocent mind, when her voice softened even more. ‘And you’ll need to forgive us, but you’re the first baby in our group, because… well, I don’t usually like babies and it’s taken your Auntie Chloe a while to get going….’ I realised there were more tears – all mine – and they were threatening to burst over my eyelids like water through a cracked dam. ‘… So we’re going to completely spoil you. Not with, like, material things that’ll make you a brat, but we’ll be queuing up to spend time with you. I hope that’s okay.’

  I couldn’t get over this whole new incredibly sweet person. ‘Sasha, have you been struck by lightning? Alien abduction? Just a flat-out personality transplant?’

  She stuck to addressing Finn. ‘And don’t listen to your mamma when she says things like that, because you know you and I are going to be the best buddies ever.’

  ‘Eh, no, I think you’ll find that he’ll be my best buddy.’ Justin moved in and gently lifted Finn from Sasha’s arms and I had to bite my bottom lip to stop the tears again. Bloody hormones. ‘Don’t listen to Sash, mate,’ he told Finn. ‘I’ll teach you the important stuff.’

  Sasha snorted, teasing him. ‘Like what?’

  Justin paused, emotion on his face that I’d never seen there before. ‘Like don’t start sneaking drinks from your parents’ drinks cabinet when you’re ten, because that doesn’t lead anywhere good.’

  There was a stunned silence, before the moment was broken by Justin, who suddenly changed his demeanour and acted like nothing of any significance had been said.

  ‘Right, Chloe, must be your turn,’ he said brightly, handing Finn over. He was still sound asleep, completely unperturbed by all this activity.

  Chloe came and sat down on the seat right next to me and just stared at him adoringly, gently swaying him a few inches from side to side.

  ‘I could watch him all day,’ she murmured, and I tried not to laugh when this made my mother purse her lips in disapproval. Granny wanted Finn back because then she’d be centre of attention again. The thought came without an ounce of bitterness. Ida’s little foibles had stopped being a touchy subject to me right around the same time I turned sixteen, got a push-up bra and took my Take That posters down off the wall. She had a good heart and she’d do anything for anyone – as parents went, I could have done so much worse.

  ‘You suit that, Chlo,’ I said with a wink.

  ‘Don’t! I’d have one tomorrow, but I don’t want to say that to Danny in case it scares him off. Oh, and he said to say he’s so sorry he couldn’t be here because he had lunch service, but he’s managed to get cover for tonight, so we’ll pop back later. He’s dying to see this little guy.’

  If it were possible for my heart to swell even bigger, it did just then. Finally, Chloe had found a great guy who adored her and she’d fallen madly in love. There had been times over the years when I thought she’d never get over Connor, or meet anyone who would match up to him in her eyes. I mean, she hadn’t even been swayed by Richard Campbell and he was about as adorable as it got. Anyway, finally it seemed like she was on the road to her perfect life and this time I had a real feeling it was going to work out for her.

  There was another knock on the door and then it slowly opened, and for a moment I wondered if I was still under the influence of gas and air. Or perhaps the epidural was causing some kind of strange hallucinatory reaction.

  ‘So I heard there’s a new kid in town?’ said the voice.

  Wide-eyed, suddenly terrified for my son’s safety, I reached over and gently took him from Chloe’s arms in case the shock made her drop him.

  ‘Holy shit,’ Sasha said, under her breath, but loud enough for it to reach us.

  ‘No way!’ Nate bellowed, striding to the doorway and enveloping the new arrival in a bear hug with loads of that man-back-slapping stuff. ‘I can’t believe you came!’

  Neither could I. Nate hadn’t even told me that it was a possibility or I’d have warned Chloe.

  Nate finally released him and he stepped further into the room, and that’s when we realised he was holding the hand of a very pretty blonde.

  ‘Guys, this is Cindy. Cindy, this is Nate, Liv, Chloe, Justin and Sasha.’

  ‘Good to meet you,’ she said, in an accent straight from the Southern States of the USA, while smiling to reveal the most perfect teeth I’d ever seen outside an Osmonds’ video.

  The shocked silence was only broken when he reached the bed and leaned in to give me a hug. ‘Congratulations Liv, I’m so happy for you.’

  I wanted to say something sincere and heartfelt. I really did. But with all the tensions and toe-curling undercurrents in the room, I suffered a complete mind blank and went for something trite instead.

  ‘Thank you, Connor. If I’d known that this would make you come back, I’d have had a baby years ago.’

  Chapter Nine

  The Christening

  May 2007

  I checked out my re
flection in the mirror, thought about touching up the shiny forehead and the fading lipstick, then decided not to bother.

  ‘I think this is the first time I’ve had make-up on since Finn was born,’ I mused, to no one in particular. It was true. Finn was nine months old and I still didn’t have enough hours in the day for superficial things like cosmetics and superfluous grooming. I’d fished the make-up bag from the bottom of the ironing basket this morning – absolutely no idea how it got there.

  ‘And you need your roots done too. You’re definitely letting yourself go,’ Sasha added.

  I swatted her with my under-used make-up bag. ‘You’re supposed to be my friend. Lie to me and tell me what I need to hear to salvage what little self-esteem I have left.’

  ‘Babe, ignore her, you look gorgeous,’ Chloe said.

  ‘See!’ I exclaimed to Sasha. ‘That’s exactly how you do it. Lie and leave me with my dignity.’

  ‘I’m not lying!’ Chloe objected. ‘You do look beautiful.’

  ‘Yeah, but she still needs her roots done,’ Sasha deadpanned.

  I gave up pointing out the error of her ways and took a sip of my vodka tonic. This was also the first time I’d drank alcohol since Finn was born, but I’d switched from breastfeeding to bottle last week, and decided I deserved to have a drink or two at my son’s christening.

  It had been a beautiful day.

  Ida, dressed in a flamboyant, full-length dress of baby blue ruffles (she liked a theme) had sung us into the church (Amazed by Lonestar) and back out again (You’re The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Gladys Knight and the Pips). The godparents, Chloe, Sasha and Justin, had promised to guide my son throughout his life. Although, I did have reservations about that bit. In Sasha’s case, God knows where she’d guide him to, and when it came to Justin, the destination would undoubtedly be a packed nightclub with endless happy hours and half-naked dancers on the bar.

  Now we were back at Danny’s restaurant for the reception, and Sasha and Chloe had joined me for an excursion to the very plush ladies’ toilets.

  ‘Danny’s done an incredible job with the food, Chloe – everyone’s raving about it,’ I told her, then tried to catch her reflection in the mirror to gauge her reaction.

  Chloe and Danny had been seeing each other for two years now, and I had a horrible feeling things were beginning to cool off. I really hoped I was wrong, but the fact that her eyes had just filled up with tears suggested that I wasn’t.

  ‘Chloe! What is it? What’s up?’

  She sniffed, dabbed her under-eyes with her fingertips, took a breath, then did her best to deflect with a self-deprecating brush-off. ‘Nothing. It’s fine. Come on, this is a christening – not the place for pathetic tears and self-pity.’

  ‘Of course it is!’ I corrected her, trying to cajole the problem out of her. ‘Guaranteed, Ida will turn on the waterworks before the end of the day. Just ask her to sing any Celine Dion song and then watch them flow.’

  Chloe realised we were going nowhere until she shared what was on her mind, and gave me a grateful smile. ‘It’s just… Danny. I feel… different.’

  Even Sasha had now stopped fixing her face and turned to pay attention. ‘Why? What happened?’

  Chloe was clearly trying to stop the tears from falling again. ‘I don’t know. Something changed a few months ago and I can’t even tell you what it was. How ridiculous is that? I’m a grown, intelligent woman and I’ve no idea why my feelings changed. I don’t know if it’s the hours he works. We get one night a week together and, even then, he’s usually knackered. Christmas and New Year were a wipe-out because he worked right through. I knew what I was signing up for, but I guess I didn’t realise how hard it would be.’

  ‘Do you think that’s all it is? The lack of time together?’ I asked.

  She hesitated. ‘Maybe we’ve just got used to each other too. You know, the excitement of that first flush of love thing has maybe worn off…’

  If I had a specialist subject, that was it. Hadn’t Nate and I nearly divorced when our first flush of love and excitement wore off? Now I couldn’t be more relieved that I’d stayed. We might be short on excitement and thrills, but what we had was solid, dependable. There was a lot to be said for that.

  ‘Roughly how long have things been rocky for?’ Sasha asked.

  Chloe thought about it. ‘Maybe a few months?’

  ‘You want my theory?’ Sasha asked.

  Chloe was very definite. ‘No. “Sasha-logic” is usually twisted and dipped in evil,’ Chloe joked, trying to lighten the mood.

  Sasha ignored the objection and carried on with her point. ‘I think something shifted after you saw Connor again last year.’

  Her analysis was absolutely accurate, but I was saying nothing in case Chloe felt ambushed.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous! That’s… that’s… Oh God, you’re right.’ She took a step to the side, closed her eyes and rested her head against the cold wall tiles. ‘Just leave me here to die,’ she murmured.

  ‘Absolutely not. You’ve just promised to guide my son through his life. I can’t tell him that one of his godmothers was found in the corner of a lavvy between the loo brush and a bottle of Toilet Duck.’

  At least that made her laugh.

  ‘I knew the minute I saw him again that I still felt everything for him,’ she admitted. ‘So don’t go claiming to be some kind of psychological love whisperer,’ she warned Sasha. ‘I just didn’t want to actually admit it.’

  ‘Why?’ I asked.

  ‘Because it’s pathetic! Yes, I went out with him for six years, but we split up over ten years ago, and yet the minute he walks into a bloody room, I’m this giddy, love-struck idiot who feels like she’s right back at university and madly in love with him. This is like one of those mid-life crisis stories where a frustrated wife gets a facelift, loses twenty pounds, tracks down her first love and runs off with him. Did I mention it’s pathetic?’

  ‘You did,’ I confirmed.

  I should really have been getting back out to the guests, but I was pretty sure Ida and Nate had it covered, and a best friend having an emotional crisis slash revelation was far more important.

  Her whole body deflated. ‘I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.’

  Sasha spoke up. ‘Is this a bad time to vouch for Danny and point out that last time you thought you were right to chuck a bloke, you regretted if for years?’

  ‘Yes,’ Chloe and I blurted at the same time.

  I believed her when she said she had feelings for Connor again. There was a connection with Connor that she’d never managed to replace and it wasn’t surprising that seeing each other that once, in the hospital after Finn’s birth, when he was with Cindy, had rekindled her feeling for Connor and dampened how she felt about Danny.

  I never got a chance to suss out if seeing Chloe had affected Connor too. Turned out he only had a few days off work, so it was a flying, four-day trip. They’d stayed in a hotel and visited us every day. I hadn’t had time to get to know Cindy, but she seemed nice. In a South Carolina, perfect teeth, former pageant queen kind of way.

  ‘Is he still with that one with the big teeth?’ Chloe asked.

  I nodded.

  Don’t tell her. Don’t tell her. Don’t tell her.

  ‘They got engaged last month,’ I told her. Damn it. I’d been waiting for a better time than standing in the toilets in a packed restaurant. Connor had called Nate on the night he proposed to tell him Cindy had said ‘yes’.

  The news made her go completely silent.

  ‘Right, that’s enough,’ Sasha said, entering the conversation for the first time since the Toilet Duck. ‘There’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, Chlo. If he’d been meant for you, you’d have worked it out long ago. And so what if Danny isn’t the right one? Someone else will be. Let’s face it, you’re a catch.’

  I almost fainted at these uncharacteristic words of support and affirmation, until she followed it up with, ‘You
scrub up not bad, and you don’t need your roots done.’

  Even Chloe had to laugh.

  ‘Honey,’ I said, taking her hand, ‘let’s just not worry about any of this right now. Let’s go out there, enjoy the party, and then… Are you off tomorrow night?’

  She nodded.

  ‘Right, my house, 8 p.m., I’ll supply food, you bring the wine, Sasha, you’re on the male strippers.’

  ‘Done,’ Sasha agreed laughing.

  There was a reason I loved these women. Emotional crisis, weighed down with woes, exhaustion, or worries? We’d still find a way to go from tears to laughter.

  We’d just opened the door of the bathroom, to step out into the restaurant, when I realised it had been a fundamental mistake to take ten minutes out of the party.

  The restaurant had two dozen beautifully decorated tables in the main area. Then, there were two steps up to a raised platform that was reserved for extra tables, private parties, or in today’s case, a buffet. However, the rows of delectable tapas didn’t even come close to filling the space, so there was plenty of room left for Dolly and Kenny.

  Actually, it was Ida and Justin, but they were belting out a version of ‘Islands in the Stream’ that definitely gave Dolly and Kenny a run for their money.

  I locked eyes with Nate, who was standing across the room holding a wide awake Finn, making him giggle by dancing in time to the music.

  My life had officially gone mad, but even in the midst of this bizarre country duet, seeing Nate with a giggling Finn melted my heart.

  ‘Argh, bollocks,’ Sasha sighed. ‘I was away for ten bloody minutes and look at him.’ There was total exasperation in her voice. ‘I can’t do this anymore. I really can’t.’

  My gaze flicked to her face, and I tried not to let my surprise show. It was so unlike her to admit she was running out of patience with Justin. Usually she’d put a face on it, cover up her irritation by planning the next party or holiday. Or she’d just brush everything off with a ‘you know what he’s like’.