For Her Pleasure

by Maya Banks

  he had no chance of throwing him out. He shrugged instead and pointed to a chair. “Park it then. I’ll get the doctor.”

  Ryder ignored that command as well. He stood by Kit’s bed, holding her hand as she moaned softly in pain.

  Fear consumed him. She was losing the baby. What else could account for so much blood? This wasn’t something he’d ever counted on. He knew there was a chance the baby might not be his, but he’d never expected not to be able to find out.

  Her muffled sobs reached his ears, piercing his gut like someone had laid into him with a bat.

  He bent to hold her, pressed his face to her hair and held her tightly. “Don’t cry, darlin’. Please don’t cry.”

  Before the doctor even made it in, Mac burst through the door like a man possessed. Ryder wondered for all of a second how he’d found out so fast, but he knew the ER personnel were tuned into the local cops. Someone had probably called him as soon as he’d hit the entrance with Kit in his arms.

  “Kit, baby. What’s wrong? What’s happening?” Mac demanded as he bent over her curled up form.

  She raised her red, splotchy face, and more tears poured down her cheeks. “It’s the baby, Mac. I think I’m losing it.”

  Ryder stumbled back, allowing them space. He continued to back up until he was out in the hall looking in at the tender scene in front of him.

  “It’s okay, baby, I’m here,” he heard Mac say. “We’ll get through this.”

  The sandwich he’d eaten earlier seemed lodged in his throat. He couldn’t breathe around the knot. His eyes stung like hell, and it was then he realized if he didn’t get out of here soon, he’d break down and bawl like a baby.

  He turned and strode down the hall and out the doors he’d come in. A few more feet and he stepped out into the Texas summer heat. But for some reason he felt frozen.

  The truth hit him like a cement truck. With the baby gone, there was no place for him in Kit’s life. No reason for him to hang around, intrude on her and Mac’s relationship.

  She was as lost to him as their baby was. Somehow he’d been so sure it was his. Something he and Kit had created together.

  He got into Kit’s Bronco and drove it back toward Mac’s house. When he pulled into the driveway, he sat there for several long minutes. He wanted desperately to be with Kit, to soothe away her pain, but Mac was there. She had who she needed.

  Feeling like he’d been sucker punched, he shuffled into the house, went to collect the few things he’d stored there then walked back out to his motorcycle. He cranked the engine and headed out onto the road. The streaks of wetness on his cheek blew dry almost before he could register their presence.

  CHAPTER 13

  “I’m worried about you, baby,” Mac said.

  Kit looked up from her perch by the window and flinched at the raw concern in Mac’s expression. She turned away, looked out the window again and tried to keep the anguish at bay.

  Mac moved across the room then settled down in the window seat beside her. He reached for her hand and brought it up to his lips. He pressed a kiss to her palm and held her fingers to his cheek.

  “I wish you would talk to me,” he said softly. “I know you’re hurting. I am too. We need to talk about this.”

  Kit closed her eyes and willed the tears not to fall. It had been two weeks since she’d gone home from the hospital, an empty shell, her insides feeling they’d been scraped clean. Two weeks in which she’d not seen Ryder once. Not since he’d left the hospital the night he’d taken her in.

  She was angry, but more than that she ached. Her heart ached.

  Mac put a finger under her chin and gently turned her face up to meet his gaze.

  “Talk to me, baby. I can’t stand this silence between us.”

  A tear trickled down her cheek. She didn’t want to hurt him. She hurt enough for both of them. And she knew what she’d say would hurt.

  He pulled her into his arms, hesitant at first, as though he thought she’d resist. She didn’t fight him, but she didn’t embrace him either.

  She felt a shudder roll through his big body, and she cursed herself all over again.

  “Tell me what’s going in that head of yours, baby.”

  His tone had turned pleading. God. She owed him the truth.

  She pulled away and wiped at the damnable tears streaking down her cheeks. “I hurt,” she croaked.

  “Oh God, baby, I know you do. I know you do.”

  “You don’t understand,” she whispered.

  “Then make me understand, Kit. Talk to me please.”

  She looked into his eyes, eyes that held so much love for her. They burned an intense blue. She reached out a hand to his cheek and he turned into her palm to kiss it.

  “I didn’t just lose my baby,” she began. “I lost . . . I lost Ryder too, and it’s killing me.”

  She let her hand slip from his face and turned away, not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes.

  “I love him, Mac,” she said quietly. “I’ve always loved him. Somehow I confused what I felt for you and thought I didn’t love him as much, but I do. And now . . . now he doesn’t want me. There’s nothing to tie us together. I shouldn’t be saying this, but I can’t lie to you, Mac. I’ve lost him, and it’s eating me alive.”

  Mac slowly pulled her into his arms. His breath came heavy. She could feel him pulling ragged breaths into his chest. God, she hadn’t wanted to hurt him this way. What kind of woman was she that she could drive a knife into a man who loved her so much, who’d do anything to keep her from hurt.

  They sat there for several long seconds, silence heavy between them. He gripped her tightly, and she could feel a surge of emotion in his embrace.

  “I’m sorry, Mac,” she said as sobs welled from her throat. Her voice was muffled by his chest but she continued on. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t. I’ll understand if you don’t want me anymore.”

  “Hush, baby, stop talking like that. You and me. We’re forever. I promise you that.”

  She hauled back and looked at him in disbelief. Searching for a sign of anger, of betrayal or at least disappointment. What she found was sincerity. And love. More love than she could have imagine after what she’d just told him.

  “Mac, didn’t you hear what I said?”

  “I have excellent hearing, baby,” he said calmly.

  “You’re not angry?” she asked.

  He cupped her face in his hands and leaned in to kiss her. “I’m a lot of things right now. But angry isn’t one of them. I’m sad that you’re hurting. I’m sad we lost our baby. I’m frustrated because I want so much to make your pain go away and I feel so damned helpless. But, baby, I love you. That doesn’t go away in five minutes. I love you so damn much that it kills me to think of being without you.”

  The sobs tore out of her throat in a painful rush. She struggled to breathe as they came out faster than she could handle. All the pain and grief she’d stored up over the last two weeks flooded from her.

  She sounded harsh, ugly and guttural. And still, Mac held onto her as if he’d never let her go.

  He smoothed her hair with his hand. Stroked her gently, offering her comfort. They sat there for a long time as she released the pent-up emotion.

  Finally her sobs quieted, and Mac leaned down to kiss her tears away.

  “There’s only one thing I need to know, baby. Only one important issue. Do you love me?”

  She threw her arms around him and kissed his neck. “I do love you, Mac. I didn’t lie about that. I love you so much, and I’d die without you.”

  He carefully pulled her away from him and looked down at her, his gorgeous blue eyes so serious. “Then that’s all that matters. We’ll work out the rest.”

  Ryder sat at the bar staring at the empty bottom of his sixth glass of whiskey. Or was it the seventh? He slid it across the rough surface of the countertop and motioned for another. Whatever it was, it wasn’t enough.

  “When are you going to stop tryi
ng to kill yourself?” Mia asked in a dry voice.

  He didn’t turn around. He ignored her. But she wouldn’t leave him alone. She took the seat beside him.

  “It won’t work, you know.”

  He cocked his head to the side. “What’s that?”

  “Drinking yourself into oblivion.” She motioned for a beer then turned back to him. “I’ve tried it. I know.”

  Ryder wasn’t impressed. Where was his whiskey, damn it?

  “Is that what you did when your asshole hung you out to dry?” he asked.

  She flinched. “I tried a lot of things. But drinking didn’t help.” “You sound like a damn self-help group,” he said snidely.

  “Uh-oh,” she murmured.

  “What?”

  “Don’t look now, but your cop friend is headed this way. He doesn’t look too happy.”

  Ryder tensed. “Mac? Here?”

  “Yeah, it would appear so. I’m gonna run. Can’t say I want to be within a mile of this place when this shit blows.”

  She slid off the bar stool and hurried away. Chicken.

  “Somehow I’m not surprised to see you here,” Mac said from behind him.

  Slowly, Ryder turned around until he faced Mac. Mac stood there, anger emanating from him in waves. Fuck. He didn’t need this right now.

  “Why are you here?” Ryder asked wearily.

  “You’ve done some stupid shit in the time I’ve known you, Ryder. Lord knows we go way back. But I will never forgive you for the way you’ve hurt Kit. If you weren’t so damn drunk, I’d lay your ass out.”

  Ryder surged to his feet. He was spoiling for a good fight. Maybe if he got his ass kicked he’d feel better. He doubted it, but it was worth a shot.

  “Want to take it outside?” Ryder challenged.

  “No, I don’t,” Mac said evenly. “You’re a goddamn fool, Ryder. The sad thing is you don’t even realize it.”

  Ryder stared at him in confusion. Either he’d seriously miscounted the number of drinks he’d had or Mac was talking out his ass.

  He spread his arms out. “What do you want from me, Mac? I would have thought you’d be glad to see me gone. I’m in love with your girl. Go back home to her and be damned glad she loves you.”

  Mac shook his head in disgust then turned on his heel and stormed away.

  Well fuck. What the hell was all that about? The world was going crazier by the minute.

  “I don’t want to leave you, baby.”

  Kit shook her head. “I’ll be fine, Mac. You have to go. They need you. It’s your job.”

  “My job is to be here for you. However and whenever you need me,” he corrected.

  “I’ll be okay,” she said softly.

  He stared at her for a long minute, clear indecision ratcheting a path across his face.

  “Go!” she said with a smile. “Get dressed and get your ass to work.”

  His features dissolved into relief. “God, it’s good to see you smile again, Kit.”

  She leaned up on tiptoe and kissed him hard across the lips. “I’ll smile even bigger when you come home to me. Now go and get changed.”

  He kissed her back, long and lingeringly. Reluctantly, he broke away. “I’ll call you later.”

  She laughed. “If it makes you feel better to check up on me then by all means call.”

  He quickly changed into his uniform and phoned into the station to let them know he was coming in. After another long, hot kiss, he hurried out the door.

  Kit sighed and plodded into the kitchen. She was hungry. Starving actually. She hadn’t eaten worth a shit in the weeks since the miscarriage. She knew she’d lost weight and looked like hell, but she hadn’t been able to muster any enthusiasm to eat.

  Mac was worried. He fussed over her constantly. It was time to pull her head out of her ass and get on with her life. Ryder didn’t want her. He’d made that abundantly clear.

  She rummaged through the refrigerator and found a half-empty carton of eggs. Taking it out, she plunked it down on the counter and retrieved a bowl and a fork. She cracked two eggs then beat them stiffly with the fork. After adding some seasoning, she poured them into a skillet and waited for them to harden.

  They turned out a little brown, probably too done, but she didn’t care. She plated the eggs then walked back into the living room. She was lonely. This was the first night she’d been alone since the miscarriage. Mac had taken a leave of absence, and he’d never left her by herself for more than five minutes.

  Had she been that bad? Had he thought he needed to hide the knives in the house or something? Was he afraid if he’d left her alone she would have hurt herself?

  She shivered, not wanting the answer to that question. Yeah, she’d been bad. She cringed at the memory of her first few days home from the hospital. Numb and yet filled with such agony. The two seemed incongruous.

  She managed to choke down half the eggs and plodded back to the kitchen to dump the plate in the sink. A night in front of the TV sounded good. She wasn’t sleepy. Maybe she’d wait up for Mac.

  After finding the remote, she rounded up an old quilt and settled on the couch to flip through the channels. Her eyes grew heavy half way through. So much for not being tired. She struggled to stay awake. She focused on the TV, determined not to succumb to the fatigue settling into her body.

  A knocking on the door roused her from sleep. She opened her eyes and looked over at the TV, surprised that a completely different movie was on. She checked her watch. It was 2 A.M. Damn, she’d really zonked out.

  The knocking grew louder. What the hell? Who could be knocking on her door at this hour of the morning?

  She threw the quilt aside and stood up on shaky legs. Damn foot was asleep. She hobbled to the door and unbolted the lock. Leaving the chain in place, she flipped the porch light on and opened the door a crack to peer out.

  She froze, every muscle in her body tightening until she nearly cried out in pain. On her doorstep stood two familiar faces. Sean Gardner and Ray Hartley. Two deputies from the sheriff’s department. Friends of Mac’s. People he worked with. Two cops who should be on duty, not standing at her front door.

  CHAPTER 14

  Kit stood staring out an inch-wide crack in the door afraid to open it. Afraid of why they were there.

  “Kit,” Sean began, his voice shaky. “We need to come in, sweetheart.”

  “Oh God!” she choked out.

  She slammed the door shut and fumbled with the chain. Several long seconds later, she threw open the door.

  “What is it?” she cried. “What’s happened to him?”

  Ray pulled her into his arms and held tightly to her. “Come inside with us, Kit. We’ll talk in the living room.”

  She allowed him to guide her inside. Her entire body was numb. Everything moved in slow motion. This wasn’t happening. She knew the reasons for late-night visits from fellow cops. They didn’t come because they had good news.

  Ray set her down on the couch next to Sean, backed up and took a seat in the armchair a few feet away.

  “What happened?” she said desperately. Tears pricked her eyelids, and she clenched her teeth to try and keep them back.