The Cat Who Walked Through Walls

by Robert A. Heinlein

  "Less than three days, dear," I objected. "It just seems longer."

  "Chum, don't talk that way to your bride! You're a cad and a brute and probably on the lam."

  "Yes. All of that," I agreed.

  She ignored me, spoke to Gwen: "Dearie, I didn't know it was your honeymoon or I wouldn't have offered that 'something' to your husband. I bow in the dust. But later on, when you get bored with this chum with the overactive mouth, I can arrange the same for you but male. Fair price- Young. Handsome. Virile. Durable. Affectionate. Call or phone and ask for Xia-that's me. Guaranteed-you must be satisfied or you don't pay."

  "Thanks. Right now all I want is breakfast. Then bed."

  "Breakfast right behind you across the corridor. Sing's New York Caf6.1 recommend his Hangover Special at a crown fifty." She looked back at her rack and picked out two cards. "Here're your keys. Dearie, would you ask Sing to send me over a grilled Cheddar on white with coffee? And don't let him charge you more than a slug and a half for a Hangover Special. He cheats just for fun."

  We parked our baggage with Xia and crossed the corridor for breakfast. Sing's Hangover Special was as good as Xia claimed. Then at last we were in our suite-the bridal suite;

  Xia had again done right by us. In several ways. She led us to our suite, watched while we oohed and ahed-bubbly in an ice bucket, coverlet turned back, perfumed sheets, flowers (artificial but convincing) picked out by the only light.

  So the bride kissed her and Xia kissed the bride, and they both sniffled-and a good thing, too, as a lot had happened too fast and Gwen had had no time to cry. Women need to cry.

  Then Xia kissed the groom, and the groom did not cry and did not hang back-Xia is an oriental stack such as Marco Polo is said to have found in Xanadu. And she kissed me most convincingly. Presently she broke enough for air. "Whew!"

  "Yes, 'Whew!'" I agreed. "That deal you mentioned earlier- What do you charge?"

  "Loud mouth." She grinned at me, did not pull away. "Cad. Scoundrel. I give away free samples. But not to bridegrooms." She unwound herself. "Rest well, dears. Forget that thirteen o'clock deadline. Sleep as long as you wish; I'll tell the day manager."

  "Xia, two of those messages called for me to see people at an ugly cow-milking hour. Can you switch us out?"

  "I already thought of that; I read those before you did. Forget it. Even if Bully Bozell shows up with all his Boy Scouts, the day manager won't admit knowing what suite you are in."

  "I don't want to cause you trouble with your boss."

  "Didn't I say? I own the joint. Along with BancAmerica." She pecked me quickly and left.

  While we were undressing, Gwen said, "Richard, she was waiting to be asked to stay. And she's not the wide-eyed virgin little Gretchen is. Why didn't you invite her?"

  "Aw, shucks, Maw, I didn't know how."

  "You could have unpeeled her cheong-sam while she was trying to strangle you; that would have done it. There was nothing under it. Correction: Xia was under it, nothing else. But Xia is a-plenty, I'm certain. So why didn't you?"

  "Do you want to know the truth?"

  "Uh... I'm not sure."

  "Because I wanted to sleep with you, wench, with no distractions. Because I am not yet bored with you. It's not your brain, and not your spiritual qualities of which you almost don't have any. I lust after your sweaty little body."

  "Oh, Richard!"

  "Before we bathe? Or after?"

  "Uh... both?"

  "That's my girl!"

  XIV

  "Democracy can withstand anything but democrats."

  J. HARSHAW 1904-

  "All kings is mostly rapscallions.**

  MARK TWAIN 1835-1910

  While we were bathing I said, "You surprised me, hon, by knowing how to herd a rolligon."

  "Not half as much as you surprised me when it turned out that your cane was a rifle."

  "Ah, yes, that reminds me- Would it bother you to cover for me?"

  "Of course not, Richard, but how?"

  "My trick cane stops being a protection when people know what it is. But, if all the shooting is attributed to you, then people won't learn what it is."

  Gwen answered thoughtfully, "I don't see. Or don't understand. Everybody in the bus saw you using it as a rifle."

  "Did they, now? The fight took place in vacuum-dead silence. So no one heard any shots. Who saw me shoot? Auntie? She was wounded before I joined the party. Only seconds before but we're talking about seconds. Bill? Busy with Auntie. Ek-aterina and her kids? I doubt that the kids saw anything they understood, and their mother suffered the worst shock a mother can; she won't be much of a witness, if at all. Dear Diana and her fancy boys? One is dead, the other was so mixed up that he mistook me for a bandit, and LAdy Dee herself is so self-centered that she never understood what was going on; she simply knew that some tiresome nonsense was interfering with her sacred whims. Turn around and I'll scrub your back."

  Gwen did so; I went on: "Let's improve it. I'll cover for you instead of you covering for me."

  "How?"

  "My cane and your little Miyako use the same caliber ammo. So all shots came from the Miyako-fired by me, not by you- and my cane is just a cane. And you are my sweet, innocent bride who would never do anything so grossly unladylike as shooting back at strangers. Does that suit you?"

  Gwen was so long in answering that I began to think that I must have offended her. "Richard, maybe neither of us shot at anybody."

  "So? You interest me. Tell me how."

  "I am almost as unanxious to admit that I carry a gun as you are to admit that your cane has unexpected talents. Some places are awfully stuffy about concealed weapons... but a gun in my purse-or somewhere on me-has saved my life more than once and I intend to go on carrying one. Richard, the reasons you gave for believing that no one knows about your cane apply also to my Miyako. You're bigger than I am and I had the window seat. When we crouched down, I don't think anyone could see me too well-your shoulders are not transparent."

  "Hmm. Could be. But what about bodies with slugs in them? Six point five millimeter longs, to be precise."

  "Shot by the butchers in that big wheel."

  "They were burning, not shooting."

  "Richard! Richard! Do you know that they didn't have slug guns as well as energy weapons? I don't."

  "Hmm again. My love, you are as devious as a diplomat."

  "I am a diplomat. Reach me the soap, pretty please. Richard, let's not volunteer information. We were just passengers, innocent bystanders and stupid as well. How those agrarian reformers died is not our responsibility. My pappy done taught me to hold my cards close to my chest and never admit anything. This is a time for that."

  "My pappy done taught me the same thing. Gwen, why didn't you marry me sooner?"

  'Took me a while to soften you up, dear. Or vice versa. Ready to shower off?"

  While I was drying her, I remembered a point that we had passed by. "Picture bride, where did you learn to drive a rol-ligon?"

  "'Where?' Mare Serenitatis."

  "Huh?"

  "I learned how through watching Gretchen and Auntie. Tonight was the first time I ever drove one."

  "Well! Why didn't you say so?"

  She started drying me. "Beloved, if you had known, you would have worried. Uselessly. In all the times I've been married I have always made it a rule never to tell my husband anything that would worry him if I could reasonably avoid it." She smiled angelically. "Better so. Men are worriers; women are not."

  I was roused out of a deep sleep by loud pounding. "Open up in there!"

  I couldn't think of a good reason to answer, so I didn't. I yawned widely, being careful not to let my soul escape, then reached out to my right. And woke up sharply and suddenly;

  Gwen was not there.

  I got out of bed so quickly that it made me dizzy; I almost fell. I gave my head a shake to clear it, then hopped into the 'fresher. Gwen was not there. The pounding continued.

 
; Don't drink champagne in bed and then go right to sleep;

  I had to drain off a liter of used bubbly before I could sigh with relief and think of other matters. The pounding continued, with more shouting.

  Tucked into the top of my foot was a note from my beloved. Smart gal! Even better than fastening it to my toothbrush. It read:

  Dearest One, I have an attack of wakeupitis, so I'm getting up and taking care of a couple of errands. First I'm going to Sears Montgomery to return our p-suits and pay the rent on them. While I'm at Sears, I'll pick up socks and drawers for you and panties for me and do some other things. I'll leave a note at the desk here telling Bill to turn in his suit, too- and, yes, he did come in after we did and Xia put him in a single, as you arranged with her. Then I'm off to Wyoming Knott Memorial Hospital to see Auntie, and I'll call Eka-terina. You're sleeping like a baby and I hope to be back before you wake up. If not-if you go anywhere-please leave a note at the desk. Love you- Gwendolyn

  The pounding continued. I put on my foot, while noting that our p-suits were not where I had last seen them, i.e., arranged in a romantic pose on the floor, a jest created by my bawdy bride. I dressed in the only clothes I had, then watered the little maple, found it did not need much; Gwen must have watered it.

  "Open up!"

  "Go to hell," I answered politely.

  Shortly the pounding was replaced by a scratching noise, so I placed myself close to the door and a bit to one side. This was not a dilating door but the more traditional hinged type.

  It swung open; my noisy visitor plunged in. I reached out and threw him across the room. In one-sixth gee this takes some care-you must have a foot braced against something, or you'll lose traction and it won't work.

  He sort of bounced off the far wall and wound up on the bed. I said, "Get your dirty feet off my bed!"

  He got off the bed and stood up. I continued angrily, "Now explain why you broke into my bedroom... and make it quick before I tear off your arm and beat you over the head with it. Who do you think you are, waking up a citizen who has switched on his Do-Not-Disturb? Answer me!"

  I could see what he was: some sort of town clown; he was wearing a uniform that spelled "cop." His reply, mixing indignation with arrogance, matched his appearance. "Why didn't you open up when I ordered you to?"

  "Why should I? Do you pay the rent on this room?"

  "No, but-"

  "There's your answer. Get out of here!"

  "Now you listen to me! I am a safety officer of the sovereign city of Hong Kong Luna. You are directed to present yourself before the Moderator of the Municipal Council forthwith to supply information necessary to the peace and security of the city."

  "I am, eh? Show me your warrant."

  "No warrant needed. I am in uniform and on duty; you are required to cooperate with me. City Ordinance two seventeen dash eighty-two, page forty-one."

  "Do you have a warrant to break down the door of my private bedroom? Don't try to tell me that doesn't require a warrant. I'm going to sue you and take every crown you have and that monkey suit as well."

  His jaw muscles quivered but all he said was: "Are you coming peacefully or do I have to drag you?"

  I grinned at him. "Best two falls out of three? I won the first one. Come ahead." I became aware that we had an audience at the door. "Good morning, Xia. Do you know this clown?"

  "Mr. Richard, I'm terribly sorry about this. My day manager tried to stop him; he wouldn't stop. I got here as quickly as I could." I saw that she was barefooted and wearing no makeup- so her sleep had been interrupted, too. I said gently,

  "Not your fault, dear. He doesn't have a warrant. Shall I throw him out?"

  "Well..." She looked troubled.

  "Oh. I see. I think I see. Throughout history, innkeepers have found it necessary to get along with cops. And throughout history, cops have had larcenous hearts and a bully's manners. All right, as a favor to you, I'll let him live." I turned back to the cop. "Boy, you can chase back to your boss and tell him that I will be along presently. After I've had at least two cups of coffee. If he wants me any sooner than that, he had better send a squad. Xia, would you like coffee? Let's go see if Sing has coffee and Danish, or such."

  At this point Joe Stormtrooper made it necessary for me to take his gun. I can be shot-I have been shot, more than once- but I can't be shot by anyone who thinks that just pointing a gun at me has changed the odds.

  His gun was nothing I wanted-door-prize junk. So I unloaded it, made sure that his ammo was not the caliber I use, dropped the loads down the oubliette, and handed his gun back to him.

  At the loss of his cartridges he screamed bloody murder, but I patiently explained to him that his gun was as good as ever for the purpose for which he used it and that, if I had let him keep ammo, he could have hurt himself.

  He continued to squawk, so I told him to go squawk to his boss. And turned my back. He was, I feel certain, annoyed. But so was I.

  Forty minutes later, feeling better although still sleepy, and after a rewarding chat with Xia over coffee and jelly doughnuts, I presented myself at the office of the Honorable Jefferson Mao, Moderator of the Council of Selectmen of the Sovereign City of Hong Kong Luna-so it said on the door. I wondered what the Congress of Luna Free State thought about this use of the word "sovereign" but it was none of my business.

  A brisk woman with slant eyes and red hair (interesting genes, I guess) said, "Name, please?"

  "Richard Johnson. The Moderator wants to see me."

  She glanced at her monitor. "You're late for your appointment; you'll have to wait. You may sit down."

  "And I may not. I said that the Moderator wants to see me;

  I did not say that I want to see the Moderator. Punch up that box and let him know that I am here."

  "I can't possibly fit you in for at least two hours."

  'Tell him I am here. If he won't see me now, I'm leaving."

  "Very well, return in two hours."

  "You misunderstand me. I'm leaving. Leaving Kong. I won't be back." I was bluffing as I said it and as I said it, I learned that I was not bluffing. My plans, as yet inchoate, had included an indefinite stay in Kong. Now I suddenly realized that I would not remain in a city that had sunk so far in the qualities that constitute civilization that a cop would break into a citizen's bedroom merely because some officious official decides to summon him. No indeed! A private soldier in a decent, well-run, disciplined military outfit has more freedom and more privacy than that. Hong Kong Luna, celebrated in song and story as the cradle of Luna's freedom, was no longer a fit place to live.

  I turned away and was almost to the door when she called out: "Mr. Johnson!"

  I stopped, did not turn. "Yes?"

  "Come back here!"

  "Why?"

  Her answer seemed to hurt her face. "The Moderator will see you now."

  "Very well." As I approached the door to the inner office, it rolled out of the way... but I did not find myself in the Moderator's private office; three more doors, each guarded by its own faithful hound, lay ahead-and this told me more than I wanted to know about the current government of Hong Kong Luna.

  The guardian of the last door announced me and ushered me through. Mr. Mao barely glanced at me. "Sit down." I sat down, rested my cane against my knee.

  I waited five minutes while the city boss shuffled papers and continued to ignore me. Then I stood up, headed for the door, moving slowly, leaning on my cane. Mao looked up. "Mr. Johnson! Where are you going?"

  "Out."

  "Indeed. You don't want to get along, do you?"

  "I want to go about my business. Is there some reason I should not?"

  He looked at me with no expression. "If you insist, I can cite a municipal ordinance under which you are required to cooperate with me when I request it."

  "Are you referring to City Ordinance two hundred seventeen dash eighty-two?"

  "I see you are familiar with it... so you can hardly plead ignorance in exten
uation of your behavior."

  "I am not familiar with that ordinance, just its number. It was cited to me by a clownish thug who crushed into my bedroom. Does that ordinance say anything about breaking into private bedrooms?"

  "Ah, yes. Interfering with a safety officer in the performance of his duty. We'll discuss that later. That ordinance you cited is the bedrock of our freedom. Citizens, residents, and even visitors can come and go as they please, subject only to their civic duty to cooperate with officials, elected, appointed, or deputized, in carrying out their official duties."

  "And who decides when cooperation is needed and what sort and how much?"

  "Why, the official involved, of course."

  "I thought so. Is there anything else you want of me?" I started to stand up.

  "Sit back down. There is indeed. And I require your cooperation. I am sorry to have to put it that way but you don't seem to respond to polite requests."

  "Such as breaking down my door?"

  "You weary me. Sit down and shut up. I am about to interrogate you... as soon as two witnesses arrive."

  I sat down and shut up. I felt that I now understood the new regime: absolute freedom... except that any official from dogcatcher to supreme potentate could give any orders whatever to any private citizen at any time.

  So it was "freedom" as defined by Orwell and Kafka, "freedom" as granted by Stalin and Hitler, "freedom" to pace back and forth in your cage. I wondered if the coming interrogation would be assisted by mechanical or electrical devices or by drugs, and felt sick at my stomach. Back when I was on active duty and repeatedly faced with the possibility of capture while holding classified information, I always had a final friend, that "hollow tooth" or equivalent. I no longer wore such protection.

  I was scared.

  Before long two men came in together. Mao answered good-moming to their greeting and waved them to seats; a third man came in right after them. "Uncle Jeff, I-"

  "Shut up and sit down!" This latecomer was the joker whose gun I had emptied; he shut up and sat down. I caught him looking at me; he looked away.

  Mao put aside some papers. "Major Bozell, thanks for coming in. You, too. Captain Marcy. Major, you have questions to ask one Richard Johnson. There he sits. Ask away."