by Deena Remiel
She ventured a long glance into his eyes. They used to be the most beautiful, sparkling hazel, changeable depending on his mood or clothing. Sometimes they were toffee, sometimes green, and sometimes they were even golden amber. But after the stroke, they had turned and stayed a muddy brown, reflecting no essence of the life trapped within. She laid her purse and water bottle on his hospital bed and pulled a chair up so she could sit across from him.
What to say, what to say? Lie, damn it. And definitely don’t say anything about Jared!
“I know I haven’t been here in a little while. Things have been crazy busy over at the shop. Everybody wants to see our beautiful mountains and rock formations, you know. But I’m sorry, and I’m here now. So what’s new? See any good shows on TV lately?”
Of course, he gave no response. No one really knew if he could comprehend what people were saying to him. He certainly couldn’t respond, and the two kind of went hand in hand. But Serena continued to talk to him as though he could hear her, as though it were any day after school, and they were sitting at the kitchen table swapping tales over dinner. She rambled on about the business and how profitable this season had turned out to be. She talked about her favorite tours and hikes, painting a picture for him to see in his mind. Then she got to the heart of the matter.
“So, Daddy, I have this problem that I need to sort out, and I thought maybe you could help me. You see, I’ve met a man. I know what you’re going to say. ‘Finally!’ Yes, well before you become all elated and start making wedding plans, let me finish,” she asserted, as though he were about to interrupt her.
Not bloody likely. She lost her humor quickly. “Well, I’ve fallen in love with this man, and I thought he’d fallen in love with me, too. But I’ve been a fool and found out there’s another woman, his wife. His dead wife, to be exact. I think he’s hung up on her even though he’s promised me otherwise. I love him and hate him all at the same time. How can I feel both so strongly? I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. I refuse to live in his wife’s shadow. I won’t! I want to be loved for me, not because I look like or sound like or act like his dead wife. How will I ever know if it’s me he truly wants and loves, and not his wife? What should I do?”
Serena looked longingly at her father. His expression didn’t change one bit. “Please tell me what I should do,” she begged as she leapt from her chair and knelt before him. “Please, if there was any day to start responding, today would be the day. Now, right at this moment! Speak to me. Tell me what to do.” Serena grabbed one of her father’s hands and cupped her cheek with it. She rested her head on his lap and hugged his knees. “Help me, Daddy, help me!”
Tears drenched his pants as Serena wept and clung to him, her only lifeline.
***
Serena had fallen to pieces, and nearby, at the safe house, Raphael absorbed every tendril of pain, sorrow, and disappointment she felt. Like her father, he remained helpless to do anything. If he came close, she would run. So he sat at the meditation pond kicking himself in the ass, or rather, contemplating his mistakes and planning how to fix them. He had to get Serena back. She had become everything to him, and she needed to know that unequivocally.
“I’m so sorry, Serena, for hurting you like this,” he stated aloud, his words getting tossed about and lost in the breeze.
***
“Serena, my heavens! What’s the matter child?” Nurse Selma, a sweet old grandmotherly type day nurse had walked in with her father’s medication to find Serena nearly balled up on her father’s lap. “Come here, come here! I think you’re very nearly squashing the man.” Nurse Selma whisked Serena away from her father and onto his bed.
“Oh, Selma!” Serena bawled. “My life is in shambles! My brother is dead, the man I love is scum, and my father…my father…he can’t even….” She couldn’t go on, and Selma quickly assumed the role of her missing mother, holding Serena and shushing her until she calmed down.
“There now, it’s no good you coming here all out of sorts like that. You want to upset your father?”
“No, of course not,” she cried out. “You’re right. I know better. I just need him so much, Selma, that’s all. I need my daddy to tell me how to fix things and that it’ll be all right. But he can’t now, can he? It’s foolish of me to come here like this, hoping for a miracle, expecting that maybe today would be different.” Serena took the tissue Selma offered and blew her nose.
“Oh, now honey, what do we have if we don’t have hope? Maybe your father did hear you. Maybe he did, but he couldn’t tell you. And maybe he can’t tell you all the things you want or need to hear, but honey, I bet you know him well enough that you could speak for him if you gave yourself a chance. I bet if you sat here for a moment and quieted yourself, you would hear his answers clear as day in your mind.” Selma took another tissue and blotted her cheeks.
“I’ll try, Selma, I’ll try. Thank you. You’ve been so kind to me and my father. I don’t know what we’d do without you.”
“Oh well, he’s no trouble at all. Quite the gentleman, in fact. And you, well, you’re like the daughter I’ll never have. Now, I have to give him his meds and you have to ease his mind about things before you go, you hear? Don’t leave your emotional mess lingering around this room. We like things happy around here. Okay?”
Serena sniffled. “Yes ma’am.”
The nurse gave medication to her father and moved him back to his bed. “Well, Dad, I should be going. I’m so glad I got to see you today. Thanks for listening to your baby girl’s sob story. I’m sorry for unloading on you. Really, I am. It wasn’t fair of me to do that. Sometimes, I just need you, you know? Don’t worry about a thing, though, I’ll be fine. I’m going to follow Nurse Selma’s advice when I get home and hear you in my head. From now on, I promise to bring you only happy news. I love you, Daddy,” Serena whispered in his ear. “Always have, always will.” She picked up her purse, kissed his cheek one more time, and left.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Walking quickly and with purpose, Serena made her way down the street, turned a corner, and walked up the path to her home. Seeing the house looming before her brought back all sorts of memories. Memories not yet ready to be faced. So she grabbed the Jeep’s keys from her purse, choosing instead to jump in her Jeep and drive to her shop. She knew she had a ton of paperwork to do. Maybe that would distract her enough from her troubles.
Every few minutes, Serena checked her rearview mirror, watching for any signs of people following her. Now that she was alone, looking out for herself became her number one priority. She still had to contend with Dr. Chappo and his crazy scheme. When she pulled into the back lot, she saw no one loitering or hanging out in their cars, and waited another few minutes. She went in the back entrance, snuck into her office, and called Callie on the intercom system.
“Hey, Callie, it’s Serena. I’m in my office, but I don’t want anyone to know. So mum’s the word, okay?”
“Hey! I miss you! Are you okay? What’s going on?”
“I’m fine, really. I have a lot of catching up to do around here, and I don’t want any distractions. No one is to know. Not a soul. Promise me.”
“I promise not to let anyone know you are here. Scout’s honor and all that shit.”
She hung up and eased back in her office chair, closing her eyes for a few moments to collect herself. Then she dug in. “Hmm, payroll’s coming due, snacks and water have to be replenished, electric, gas, and water bills are due, and the lease is due in two weeks. Oh, and I see a Jeep is in the shop. Great,” she muttered.
***
“For Christ’s sake! How the hell long does it take to cook up a freaking burger around here?” Wheezer whined to no one and anyone. “It’s been five minutes already and this joint’s supposed to be a fast food restaurant!”
“I’m sorry, sir. You ordered a special burger that’s made to order, and there were two orders ahead of you. It should be out in a minute,” droned a pock-faced, stringy-
haired teenager with a smile. “Can I get you something to drink while you wait?”
“Yes, you can get me two Cokes, on the house.” Wheezer tapped his sunglasses nervously on the counter. He’d convinced Steve it wouldn’t take too long to pick up something to eat, so they left their stakeout area. If he didn’t show up back at the car in seconds, he knew Steve would leave without him.
“Here’s your order, sir, and your two drinks. Thank you for coming and have a great day!”
Wheezer grabbed the bags of burgers and fries and the two drinks and left in a huff. “You can shove your good day up your ass, little girl!” He got in the waiting car. Steve gave him the evil eye.
“Don’t say a word, Steve. I know! Just drive, will ya? I’ll toss myself in the dumpster when we get back to the stakeout area, all right?”
“Asshole,” Steve mumbled.
***
Serena worked her way through the pile of paperwork, returned some e-mailed questions, and even updated her website. She dusted her bookshelves, straightened up her desk, and now had nothing left to do. Except think. I am so not ready to do that yet. Instead, she got out her maps and started planning new routes for tours. She made one particularly difficult trail that included not only a jolting Jeep ride, but also a hike over rocky terrain. The whole trip should take about eight hours. Hardcore hikers and spiritualists would eat this up, she thought.
Serena loved the idea so much that she decided she would test the route out herself. Protocol required them to try the route out a few times first before offering it as a tour. She would make the first pass tomorrow, bright and early. But what should she do now? She still had a lot of energy to burn and even though she didn’t want to, there were things to think through.
Maybe I could fit in a little hike now. Something challenging but short enough so I don’t get caught out there when the sun goes down. She sifted through files of tried and true routes collected over the years and immersed herself in the project. She finally found the perfect hike for her needs. Cookstove Trail. Challenging and isolated, not many tourists hiked there at all. What a perfect way to soothe my antsy pants and mind. Thrilled to be going out on a much needed and long-overdue hike, he gathered her equipment and supplies, told Callie she was leaving, and slipped out to her Jeep unseen.
Serena pulled off onto the shoulder near mile marker 387 on Route 89A and stuck her business credentials pass on the dashboard. Reaching into her glove compartment, she sifted through the odds and ends in search of a hair band. She knew she’d find one. She always left them in there. Her finger snagged one, and she proceeded to wrangle it around her golden mane. Getting out of her Jeep, she hoisted her backpack of supplies and gear onto her broad shoulders, and she began her walk. The trail took about a mile’s hike to reach the top of the east wall of Oak Creek Canyon. The splendid spot gave hikers a glorious view of the canyon and various rock formations, as well as a place for personal reflection and contemplation.
Given the temperature, Serena prepared for a brutal hike in more ways than one. Having been away from hiking for a bit, she felt the burn in her muscles as she trudged and climbed along the trail.
“But it’s a good burn,” she coached herself. Every step she took marked a milestone considering what had happened to her just a couple of weeks ago, and she gloried in the fact that she could once again do what she loved to do, be out where she loved to be, and not let fear destroy what she held so dear to her heart. These were her mountains, and no one would keep her away. Her body screamed in defiance as she approached her goal. “Go ahead! Scream all you want! I’m still gonna reach my mark!” And she did.
Hiking through the pain in her thighs and calves, she reached a point of jubilation. The endorphins had kicked in, and she felt as if she could hike Mount Everest if asked to. Her lungs were on fire as she breathed deeply, the smell of the pine trees erupting images of Christmas in her mind. She picked her perfect rock to sit on, one that had the most extraordinary vistas of red rock, white cliffs, and the bluest of skies. The real beauty of it all? No one around to disturb her. Absolutely no one.
Serena dripped with sweat and it felt great. Her muscles were trembling from the intense strain they’d been made to endure. She downed one of her bottles of water in one long swig, using another one to completely drench herself. “Now! Now I can think!” she shouted out loud to the birds and any other miscellaneous animals that happened to be nearby.
“Okay, Dad, what would you tell me to do about Raphael? Well, you’d probably tell me to give him some leeway. Having lost a wife yourself, starting a relationship with a new woman is hell, and there are bound to be plenty of mistakes made along the way. I guess that’s why you never did find another and remarry, huh? I guess I could see my way to forgiving Raphael his missteps on that account. But that doesn’t resolve the trust issue. How will I ever be sure he loves me and wants me for me? I don’t see that happening. I’m too much of a reminder of his dead wife.
“And how do I resolve the fact that his dead wife’s soul is inside me? I don’t just look like the woman. For goodness sakes, at times I am the woman! Come to think of it, can I even trust my own feelings for Raphael? What if she’s made me fall in love with him? What if what I’m feeling has been a pure manipulation on her part all in an effort to get back to her husband? I’ve become quite an asset to her, haven’t I?”
Serena knocked the side of her head with her fist and then shook it in the air. That woman’s gotten me nearly killed three times over. Damn her! But I vow to fight her tooth and nail to keep me. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a dead woman’s soul replace my own. Even if it means never seeing Raphael again! Serena jumped up from her seat and paced anxiously. She picked up a branch and tapped it on the ground in front of her.
“Oh, my lord. This Dr. Chappo obviously knows what her powers were and thinks I have the same. What if I do? If her soul is within me, can I do what she used to do? Maybe coming out here alone wasn’t the brightest idea I’ve ever had.”
***
Wheezer and Steve had gotten a perfect view as Serena hopped in her Jeep and headed off to parts as yet unknown.
“When the hell did she slip in?” Wheezer wondered as he put the car in drive and peeled out of their hiding spot.
“Well let’s think about this. Didn’t we waste twenty minutes picking up the worst fucking burgers in the USA? My guess is she came in to work while we were out. We wouldn’t have realized it because her Jeep is like all the others. Anyways, it doesn’t matter. We’ve got her now. Just don’t get too close to her, Wheezer. I don’t want her getting skittish and bolting.”
“I know how to tail someone, Steve. What do you think I am, a weekend thug or somethin’?” He gave Steve a caustic look.
“Or somethin’ is right. I don’t want to fuck this up again, man. Hey, watch the goddamn road, will ya! You almost slammed right into that pickup truck,” Steve shouted as his feet flew up to the dashboard.
“Hey! You either shut up or drive, man. Pick one.”
“I’m shuttin’ up, I’m shuttin’ up,” Steve grumbled, crossed his arms over his chest, and concentrated on finding Serena on the road.
“Damn it, where did she go?” Steve fumed. Wheezer had pulled up behind Serena’s empty Jeep, and now they were standing there like idiots wondering what to do next.
“I don’t know, man. Obviously she went in there.” Wheezer pointed to the forested area. “There must be a trail to follow. Why don’t we go on in a ways and see what we got here?”
“Yeah, all right.”
He looked at Steve’s suit thinking how ridiculously dressed he was for an impromptu jaunt into the forest. In fact, they both looked ridiculous, wearing Italian suits and dress shoes. But if Serena had gone in there, they were bound and determined to get her.
“Shit, man! It’s fucking steep. There’s no way we’re going any further in these shoes. I’m tellin’ ya.” Steve hissed as he involuntarily slid back down the trail.
/> “You’re right.”
“Let’s go back to the car, pull it back a ways, and sit and wait for her to come back. Nobody’s around. We can nab her real fast with no one the wiser.”
“Works for me.” Wheezer got back in the car.
***
“You…were married?” Kemuel blurted. With Serena gone AWOL, Raphael had gathered a few of the Brethren at the safe house and told them about his past and his tragic life with Sirona. “And she was a goddess? Jesus, Raphael, no wonder you were so messed up. I would have been, too. Well that explains a lot, now doesn’t it, Gabe?”
“What do you mean by that?” Raphael raised a suspicious brow.
“Well, come on. You’re an amazing Savior. The best we have. And you’re always so caring about the people you heal. But, there’s always something that holds you separate and apart from not just the human race, but us as well.”
“I agree, Kem,” Gabriel added. “I always equated it to you having an emotional lobotomy. And I guess, in a way, you really did. We all did, come to think of it, courtesy of E.L. We all arrived on earth around the same time, so if we didn’t know about this, he must have put the whammy on all of us, as well. So, seeing Serena in the desert must have really messed you up, brother.”
“I had no clue about my past until she grabbed my arm in the hospital. Something clicked, and all of my memories came crashing back into me.”
“So, your wife’s soul is currently inhabiting Serena’s body? Sucks for her, not so much for you.” Kemuel’s eyes sparkled mischievously. “You’ve got the best of both worlds.”
“Damn it! That’s exactly why Serena’s so pissed at me right now. She thinks I’m with her because of Sirona, and I’m here to tell you that it’s not true. But she won’t believe me since I didn’t tell her about it immediately.”