Revenge Love
Page 35
Most pre-med majors take this last semester easy before the rigors of medical school since we have to finish the bulk of our coursework early enough to apply. I’m thanking my lucky stars I didn’t go the usual route. If I had too much time on my hands, I’d never be able to pull off acting like my heart isn’t completely shattered.
I round the corner and nearly run into a human wall. Jacquelyn, Lisa, and the other ladies from my Panhell committee stand shoulder to shoulder, wearing matching somber expressions.
“Oh my God. Did I forget a meeting?”
Lisa shakes her head. “No, but it looks like you forgot to shower.”
I glance down at my coffee-stained sweatshirt. I had a caffeine mishap this morning on my way out the door of The Beanery. What? Just because Jason doesn’t want me anywhere near him doesn’t mean I don’t still have an addiction to Black Magic Mochas to maintain. Normally, I would have gone home to change, but there’s no one left to impress and frankly, I didn’t have the time.
“We actually decided to schedule a meeting an hour ago,” Tara admits.
“So, I did miss a meeting, then?” I blink at them in confusion, then check my watch. The clock’s ticking, and I don’t have any more time now than I had this morning. In fact, I’ve barely attended any Greek functions since the semester began. Funny how that’s worked out. Not funny like ha-ha…more funny like, thank you God for having mercy on me by aligning the stars, so I have valid excuses for my absences.
Jacquelyn breaks formation to approach me first, wrapping an arm around my shoulders more firmly than is usual for a show of affection. This feels more like entrapment. “Sweetheart, this is an intervention.”
“For who?” I whisper. No one stands out as a frontrunner. For all the time we spent together last semester, I think I would know by now if one of them was battling an addiction. An unpleasant thought sours my stomach. Or, I was so wrapped up in my own problems, I wasn’t noticing the obvious right under my nose.
Lisa stands in front of me with her arms crossed. “For you.”
“Me?”
Tara nods, then joins my other jailers. They box me in on all sides, obviously expecting me to run. Which I really need to do, actually.
“Look at you. Your hair’s a mess, you’re basically wearing pajamas, and you don’t have an ounce of make-up on.” Lisa frowns as she eyes my appearance.
I honestly haven’t stopped running long enough to imagine how I must look to the casual observer. “First of all, it’s windy today. Not even an entire can of hairspray could tame my hair. Secondly, said wind makes it chilly. A sweatshirt and leggings are both comfortable and warm. And third of all, I put on just enough concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes from staying up until two in the morning studying for my Spanish test today.” Okay, that last one is a lie. I aced my Spanish test two days ago. I stay up until one or two every morning for no reason other than my apartment is lonely and empty, and I’m plotting the next best way to solve all these problems. But, all my other reasons are true.
“Oh, thank God. She’s not too far gone.” Jacquelyn wraps me in a full bear hug, squeezing until my eyes must resemble one of those humanoid stress balls.
I silently question Lisa about the odd behavior over Jacquelyn’s shoulder.
“Ever since Layla, Jacquelyn has made it her mission to be more aware of everyone’s feelings on campus. She doesn’t want anyone to think they have to suffer in silence until they believe there’s no other way out.”
“Oh.” My heart still aches for someone I never knew. I return Jacquelyn’s hug with as much caring as she’s showing me. “While that’s admirable, it’s not your job to fix everyone. You’re only one person who can’t possibly be expected to bear that burden.”
My words slap me in the face. Maybe I should actually take and believe my own advice.
Jacquelyn releases me, her gaze roving over my features as a soft smile spreads across her pretty face. “If you’re acting differently for you, then frankly, and I don’t mean this to sound condescending at all, I’m proud of you. I was just worried you were depressed after what happened with Jason and Hayleigh at the Holiday Bash. No one would blame you for not getting over that quickly.”
Hearing their names paired together so casually makes me wince, and I don’t try to hide it. “I’d be lying if I said I’m not upset about it. But, I’m not depressed. I promise. I don’t have time to be!”
They laugh. With a single assurance from my lips, they take me for my word. Everyone relaxes, smiling and sharing stories of their own busy schedules.
“I miss you girls!” Tara throws her arms around those closest to her. “Since our planning went off without a hitch, we don’t have weekly coffee dates anymore. Let’s go have one now!”
Everyone agrees.
I feel like a heel being the lone wolf, but it can’t be helped. “I’m sorry. I’d love to, but I really can’t. I have to meet with my advisor in like, five minutes.”
Lisa shrugs. “I’m cool with meeting up later. My last class ends at four today. How about everyone else?”
They list off their commitments, and before I can argue otherwise, new plans are made to meet at The Beanery at six.
As we part ways, I can’t help but shake my head in bewilderment. In spite of looking nothing like my sorority handbook says I should, being aloof for weeks by sheer virtue of my insane schedule, and not being a member of their respective houses, those girls went out on a limb for me today. Even if their worry was misplaced, not a single one of my sisters has stopped me on campus in passing to ask how I’ve been or to even inquire why I’ve been absent from most Sigma Sigma Theta functions this semester. It seems like all my years of trying to fit in were a waste until I quit caring. In the end, I suppose we fit where we belong, regardless of effort or external similarities.
In my peripheral vision, a tall, lone figure leaning against a nearby brick wall raises the hairs on the back of my neck. His presence had gone completely unnoticed until no one else was around to distract me.
Jason smiles, nods his head once, then disappears from wherever he came.
A slow smile spreads across my face. His resolve to stay away is crumbling. I can feel it.
“You missed another meeting.” The couch bounces as Rosie plops into the vacant spot beside me.
My skin prickles with an undercurrent of electricity. This is the first time we’ve spoken since before winter break, and all she cares about is my absence at a sorority meeting. “I was busy.”
A small smile pulls at Rosie’s lips. “If you say washing your hair, I’ll really know you’ve been avoiding me.”
“What did I miss?” Annoyance creeps into my tone. I don’t bother denying my avoidance. It was mutual.
“It was a continuing-ed meeting about rush procedures and gaining littles.”
I vaguely recall seeing a text alert about that. “Well, I’m graduating in three months, so I won’t be getting any more littles. I figured that meeting didn’t apply to me. I’m sure no one even noticed I wasn’t there.”
“I noticed.” She bumps into my shoulder. “You haven’t been coming around a lot lately.”
“And like I said, no one has seemed to notice or care. I haven’t even been sent a warning issuance for poor attendance.” My valid excuses wouldn’t have been enough to satisfy Hayleigh in the past. Which honestly has me wondering if she’s making it easier for me to not be a potential thorn in her side. It seems just as likely she’d want to keep me close to rub into my face all that she gained, and I lost. On the other hand, Rosie might only be here now on a recon mission for her mistress.
“She told them to let you go.” Rosie admits, watching closely for my reaction. “People noticed you pulling away and wondered what happened. She said it was for the best. That you never really fit in with us anyway.”
Maybe if someone had actually asked me what was wrong instead of talking behind my back, I’d care more. All I feel now is apathy. And more t
han a little relief. “And yet you’re here. Why?”
Rosie shrugs then picks at a piece of lint on her skinny jeans. “You didn’t abandon me when the rest of them did. I’m not going to abandon you, either.”
This is the opening I’ve been waiting months for. Fury sizzles beneath the surface of my skin, not dulled at all by time. “And what about Jason? Was regaining your SST status worth abandoning him?”
She has the decency to look ashamed though she doesn’t break eye contact. “I didn’t abandon him. I facilitated something he wouldn’t admit to himself he needed.”
I bark out a laugh that causes more than a few heads to turn our direction. “Is that what you tell yourself, so you can sleep at night?”
The expression on her face changes to match the anger I feel. “You don’t know how I sleep at night.”
I study this woman I once thought I knew so well. I shared all my deepest, darkest secrets with her, never imagining all she withheld from me. “You’re right. I don’t know you at all.”
The door chimes as my friends stumble into the coffee shop in a ball of laughter and smiles. Tara waves to me then gestures to indicate they’re going to get their drinks. I raise my own mug in a toast before turning my attention back to Rosie, who seems genuinely perplexed by the encounter.
“I thought you were done with your Panhell duties?”
“I am. I’m just meeting up with some friends.”
Rosie wrinkles her nose. “They’re members of other houses, though. You have time to meet up with them, but you ignore your own sisters?”
I lean into Rosie’s personal space and explain the intervention they staged for me earlier. “So, you see, yes. I will make time in my busy schedule for them. They might not be my sisters, but they care about me. Not about how I make them look, or what I can do for them, or how they can move me around on their own personal chess boards, but about me. Not a single one of my SST sisters ever thought to go against Hayleigh’s order to freeze me out.”
“Except me.”
I smile as I rise from my seat, collecting my things to meet the girls who were decent enough to give Rosie and I privacy to continue our obviously tense conversation. “Except you. You’re the only one who sees Hayleigh for who she really is. And even knowing that you set up a friend to be used by her. As your friend and an SST sister, you should know Jason’s using her right back. He’s setting her up to take the fall for the reveals should any charges be filed after Layla’s death.”
The relief I thought I might feel for hitting back never materializes. Instead, tears prick my eyes and more guilt lodges in my chest. I’m no better than anyone else in this mess. I really am the selfish person Rosie accused me of being so many months ago when this all began.
She sighs, then stands, too, hiking her purse over her shoulder. “She knows.”
I startle at the unexpected revelation. “She knows Jason’s using her? Why would she agree to that? Why would she stay with him?”
“I honestly don’t know. Probably because it still makes her look better than being without him. Everyone already suspected she was behind the reveals, so now she’s providing them for real. How’s it going to look if she dumps Jason? She’ll go back to being enemy number one on campus. He’s her protection.” Rosie chews her lip as she glances to where my friends are watching us like guard dogs, foaming at the mouth and pulling on their leashes, ready to defend one of their own. “Jason’s still winning fights. Hayleigh’s reveals aren’t lies the way yours were. Either this is going to blow up, or it’s going to ride until we all graduate in a few months. I can’t see a way out anymore. This thing is more powerful than any of us.”
Something in her words sparks an idea. One that was impossible to see when each of us was fighting for what we individually hoped to gain. But now, I have nothing left to lose. “Maybe it’s more powerful than any one of us, but what if it’s not more powerful than all of us?”
She shakes her head. “You can’t stop it. What are you going to do? Convince everyone on campus not to want to see the fights? That’s impossible. You can’t change a person’s desires.”
“You’re right. I can’t stop this by telling people what they should want. I’m going to give them something they want more.”
“Emma.” Her hand on my arm feels more threatening than comforting. “Let it go. You’re fighting a battle you can’t win.”
Fear is obvious in her eyes. She’s worried I’m going to change the rules and potentially destroy everything she’s regained.
“Let me ask you something. What do you want? Do you really want to find a way out of this, or would you rather wait for it to blow up?”
She steps closer, lowering her voice to a whisper. “I’m already out of it, and so are you. There’s nothing more either of us can do.”
“So, you’d leave Jason to fend for himself? Even knowing what he’s going through by staying with her to protect us? You’d wait until someone else harms themselves because of a stupid reveal?” Where we go from here entirely depends upon her answer.
“Don’t look at me like that,” she pleads with tears in her eyes. “Haven’t I already done enough? Suffered enough? Things are back to normal now. I gave it my best shot, but I’m done. You should be, too. Sometimes, you have to realize you can’t save everyone. Especially those who don’t want to be saved.”
“If I was the kind of person who only wanted to save myself, I never would have gotten involved to begin with.” I put more distance between us. “Just like you and Jason said, I didn’t fit in with you.”
She clutches my hand in a show of desperation. “So, you understand why I can’t do this, then? I still don’t fit in, Emma, but I want to try. Just like you always did.”
A shock of awareness electrifies my skin. Fitting in means nothing if you’re trying to belong with the wrong crowd. I can’t walk away from this. Seeing even one more person be hurt isn’t worth saving my own skin. “I hope you find everything you want in life, Rosie Marie Kavanagh. Don’t worry about this.”
“Emma, no…” She sniffles but releases my hand.
“It’s okay. I understand. Really, go. I’ll handle it, and your name will never be brought up.”
Her watery eyes hold sadness and a spark of gratitude. She doesn’t waste any more words to dissuade me—simply walks away. I watch her go, knowing it will likely be the last we ever speak.
In the end, we’re all a little selfish. I truly do hope she finds a reason to be selfless one day. Maybe caring about someone more than ourselves is the only way to abandon our own wants and desires. It’s not perfect altruism, but none of us are perfect people.
The chime of the door closing behind her signals both an ending and hopefully, a new beginning. I cross the room to stand in front of the table of my fellow Panhell delegates. They stare up at me, waiting. “I need your help.”
Truth: If you don’t fit in with the crowd, it might be because you were born to lead it.
I check the ties on my string bikini one last time, tugging my girls into position in the meager scraps of cloth. While my rack is still definitely one of my best assets and a wardrobe malfunction might make this event even more popular, there are some things I’m not willing to do for the sake of success.
Lisa pokes her head through the door, excitement bleeding into her features. “The house is packed! There are people on the lawn, trying to bribe their way in! Someone said the Phi Kappa house is practically deserted, and the brothers are pissed.”
That last bit of information makes me smile. I pull my hair up into a messy bun, so it won’t get too disgusting or impede my view of the action.
Jacquelyn picks up a tube of waterproof mascara, then sets it back down. “I have a feeling waterproof is not the same as Jell-O proof. Gelatin is probably a weird ancient make-up remover.”
“You can put on as much make-up as you want for the after party. You know, after we shower.”
Nervous laughter fills the air.
I frown at Jacquelyn’s enthusiasm. “Just remember, I have graduation pictures this week. Try not to mess up my face. And I’d prefer if you didn’t rip off my top.”
She winks. “Why not? Maybe Jason will be here if Phi Kappa lets him off his leash. We can rub in his face what he passed up for that skank he’s with now.”
A heartbeat of silence descends on the room over the inadvertent mention of Jason’s face.
I smile to break the tension. His face is what it is. Avoiding the topic is just as bad as the stares and whispers he constantly deals with. Fear breeds distrust. Knowledge breeds understanding. “Actually, he may end up going blind from his condition. If he wants me, it would have to be for my sunny personality and not my looks.”
“I read that’s not a guaranteed outcome,” Lisa announces as she perches on Jacquelyn’s bed beside Tara. “It depends on what the exact cause of the vascular malformation is, and if there’s any underlying genetic link.”
I’m impressed she’s looked into it. But, not surprised Jason is a gateway to many things none of us would have thought about before. “That’s right.”
Tara glances up from her laptop. Her fingers have been clacking over the keys for hours. Josh would probably be more turned on by this sight than by what’s about to go down. “The polls are open for charity choices. Any sorority sister who signed up for the single reveals has been notified of the current schedule. The website is up and running.” She frowns. “We still don’t have official Panhell or house backing, but since we’re hosting off campus, that shouldn’t be a problem. It might make it harder to really keep this going, though.”
“Nah.” Lisa waves her hand in dismissal. “Phi Kappa’s fight club was underground. We’ll do just as well, if not better.” She eyes Jacquelyn and me. “In fact, I’d place a lot of money on us doing better. Who wants to see blood when they can see titties?”