by Brook Wilder
"Right. Well, at least only one of us was in the dark, right? So here's what I'm going to need you to do. I'm going to need you to explain to me what the hell is going on here. I like you, Dax, more than that. I love you like you were my own kid. But at the end of the day, you're not. I've only got one of those, and she was on the phone crying to me about you. So you wanna tell me what's going on here or are the two of us going to have a problem?"
“No, Dan. No problem. I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
“Good. That’s a good start. Why don’t you tell me why she was crying?”
“I don’t know.”
“And why does she want another bodyguard? Yesterday the two of you are telling me you’re going to have a baby together and tonight she doesn’t want you anywhere near her?”
"Yeah, that one I might be able to shed a little light on. And when I say little, that's what I mean. I can tell you what kind of conversation we had, but I don't pretend to understand the reasons behind it."
“Fine. Just start with the details.”
“She was pissed at me. She was pissed because she didn’t think I was taking things seriously enough, I guess about the whole marriage thing.”
“Shit. So then some of this is my fault.”
"Nah, I don't mean it like that. It was just where things started going sour. She wouldn't really talk to me in the car, and when she did, she only wanted to pick a fight. It wasn't until we got to her place that she started talking to me about what was eating her, and that's when the marriage stuff got brought up."
“Let me guess. She freaked.”
“How’d you know?”
"Because that's what girls tend to do in that kind of a scenario."
"Right, but I wouldn't say I did any better. I bailed on the conversation, and after that little showdown earlier today, she ended it."
“Ended you being the bodyguard?”
“No, Dan. She ended everything. Shortest lived relationship ever, right?”
“I see.”
"But Dan, I don't want you to worry, okay? Honest to God, I don't. Whether Fawn and I are together or not doesn't make a difference when it comes to the kid. I couldn't make Fawn believe me. Hopefully, I can do better with you."
“Then give it a shot.”
"The baby wasn't something I planned, you know? The baby wasn't something I ever wanted to have. But now? Now he's in the world, or she, and that changes everything. Whatever that kid needs, I'm going to be there with it. I'll die for it if I have to. I'll die for it gladly. I would have done that for Fawn, too, if she'd wanted me to. Since she doesn't? It's the baby. That baby is the most important thing in this world."
"You mean that, don't you?" I sat without moving, sat and looked directly into Dan's face the way I knew he needed me to. I was desperate for him to believe me. I was desperate for this whole thing not to have been complete bullshit, a complete waste of everyone's fucking time. After a tense couple of seconds, his face relaxed. When he did that he looked just as tired as I felt and it crossed my mind for the first time how stressful having a daughter as strong willed as Fawn might actually be for a dad.
“You do. I can see you do. And you don’t think there’s any way you can work this shit out with her? You know how Fawn is, Dax. She’s a lot like her mother was. You don’t think there’s any way you can get her to come around? It might be better, you know. Better for her if she was with somebody.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to be me. She made it pretty clear, Dan. She doesn’t want to mess with me anymore. I can’t even say I blame her. What I can say is that I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what, kid? Women are hard. Her being my daughter doesn’t mean I don’t know that anymore.”
"Still. I fucked it up. I should have been smarter, should have found a way to make it work out. I fucked things up with her, but I swear to you, I won't do that with our baby."
“I believe you. Now, go finish your game of pool. And do me a favor, will you?”
"Depends on what it is," I answered with a grin. He laughed heartily at that, and I felt the smallest amount better for the first time since shit had hit the fan with Fawn. That was what he'd always taught me to say, back when I had still been a punk ass kid. Never agree to a favor without knowing what it is. That was something that could and usually did come back to bite you in the ass.
“Stop beating yourself up over this. Maybe I’m just getting soft in my old age, but these things have a way of working themselves out.”
“I don’t see that happening with Fawn and me.”
"Doesn't mean they won't. Just have a drink or five, finish your game, and stop worrying so much. It's not good for your health, and I need the father of my baby's kid to be healthy."
He gave me a hug that made me miss my own dad fiercely and then sent me back out to play. It was weird, the way a conversation like that could work on your mind. I wasn't worried anymore that Dan was going to beat the living hell out of me for my thing with Fawn, but in a way that was worse. Now there was nothing else crowding my head other than the way shit had gone down with Fawn and no matter how I played things out; I kept coming back to the same conclusion. I loved her. I loved her in a way I didn't think I would ever love another person the way I loved her, with years and years of history cementing us together so completely. But those movies that told you love conquered all were complete shit. Sometimes loving somebody wasn't enough to cut it. Sometimes loving somebody the way I loved Fawn was a reason to cut things off, not a reason to hold on. It wasn't just that she wanted me to be a different version of myself than I thought I could be, either. It was that loving her that way put her into danger she didn't need to be in. As long as she was nothing to me, or looked like nothing to me to an outsider, the Wild Kids were far less likely to make her one of their targets. There wasn't a whole hell of a lot I could offer her if the two of us were together but if we were apart, I could help keep her safe. For me, that was going to have to be enough.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Fawn
“Ma’am?”
“Yes, Pete. I’m here.”
“Excellent, ma’am. I just wanted to let you know I am currently outside of your place of employ and ready to escort you wherever you decide to take your leave. Just wanted to make sure you knew that, in case you were waiting on me. I’d feel mighty bad about that.”
“Thanks for telling me, Pete. I’ll be outside in a couple of minutes.”
“You’re very welcome, ma’am. Least I could do.”
“Hey, Pete? Do you think you could do one other thing for me?”
“I will do anything and everything in my power. You just gotta name it.”
"Could you stop calling me ma'am? I've known you basically since I was born. It feels super weird for you to be talking to me like I'm the Queen of England or something. Could you just go back to calling me Fawn? Like you were doing a week ago?"
I shut my eyes and counted to ten, the way my dad had taught me to do when I was little and on the verge of losing my temper badly enough that I wouldn't be able to get it back again. The first thing I did was try and remind myself that this was my fault, to begin with. I was the one who had called Dad and asked him to take Dax off of my security detail. It hadn't been an easy conversation, either. It had been harder than even I had imagined it would be, and I had pretty well prepared myself for some kind of a fight. What I hadn't been too prepared for was how totally pissed off my dad had actually been. The arguments he had made had been convincing, which had only made him angrier when I had shot them all down. He kept pressing and pressing, wanting to force me into an explanation that made some kind of sense to him when all I wanted was to be done with it. In the end, I had managed to get him to do what I asked and assign me somebody else, but things hadn't been the same between Dad and me since then. And then there was Petie himself, the man I'd gotten in place of Dax to watch over my every move. Pete was a man I'd always been fond of. He was the one wh
o had let me ride him around like a pony when I was tiny and had played Santa Clause at all of the Christmas parties in the clubhouse. He was great when it came to that kind of thing and not the worst thing in the world when it came to bodyguards, but the level of formality he insisted on using with me was out of control. This had to be the fifth or sixth time I had asked him to call me by my name instead of ma'am and my patience for it was just about at its end.
“Petie? You still there with me, buddy?”
“Yup, you know it. That’s what I’m supposed to do, remember?”
“Believe me, I remember. So can we agree to give it a rest with the ma’am stuff?”
“Okay, back to Fawn it is. But don’t stop taking me seriously, okay? I don’t want to blow this gig with your Dad. Him trusting me, it means a lot.”
"I know. I've got your back. And speaking of my dad, I actually need to stop by the clubhouse, if that's okay with you. I have something I need to show him, and I don't want to wait."
“We can do that. I bet your old man would be pleased as fucking punch to have you stop in. He’s been gloomy since you went, you know? You being home but acting like you’re not? He doesn’t like it. It makes him feel like shit, or that’s what it looks like to me and the rest of the boys.”
“Yeah, well, I needed some time. But a week should be long enough. Long enough for everything to calm down a little. Hold on. I’m coming outside.”
I said goodbye to my fellow nurses, who at this point all seemed to be both wary and jealous of my secretive life full of a revolving door of men on motorcycles. I pulled my jacket collar up around my neck against the first cold to seep into our little town and hurried outside to my car. Pete was waiting for me, his bike leaning up against him, and a big, goofy grin crossed his face when he saw me. That was one thing I couldn't help but love about being watched over by a lovable biker like Petie. He looked tough as shit but inside of him was the big old heart of a man who would cry at chick flicks if there weren't any guys around. He pulled me in for a massive bear hug and then looked at me, his smile getting even wider.
“You’re looking mighty pretty, Fawn, you know that? No wonder your daddy is so proud.”
“Oh yeah? He’s proud of me, huh?”
“Definitely. Now let’s get going. If I make that baby sick letting you stand out here in the cold Dan is going to kill me.”
In the car it took a hell of a lot for me to concentrate on the road and not on everything happening around me, happening to me. I had made myself a promise that I wouldn't set foot inside of the clubhouse again until I could get a handle on the way I felt about Dax. In the week since I had seen him I had gotten no further than to determine that I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea what I felt about him, no idea what I wanted. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing with my life other than the fact that I had a baby growing inside of me that was getting bigger every single day. My baby was growing bigger every day, and by the time I gave birth, I was really hoping to have things a little bit more together than I had them now.
“Fawn! As I live and breath! I didn’t know you were coming by tonight!”
“I’m sorry,” I said slowly, hardly out of my car yet and already not sure my coming by was a good idea, after all, “Is it too late? Should I not have come? I know I should probably have called first, I just -”
“Called first?” Dad yelled, smiling and rushing towards me so fast I almost felt like I needed to step away, “Are you kidding me? Baby girl, you don’t ever need to call first to pay us a visit. I just didn’t think that you’d be coming by again anytime soon. Not after the way things went down over the Dax thing.”
"Yeah, that wasn't great. And maybe something we shouldn't talk about. Besides, I have something I want to show you. Could we go to your office? It's sort of a private thing, and I don't really want to run the risk of, you know."
“Running into Dax?”
“Exactly.”
“You know one of these days you’re going to have to figure out a way to coexist with the guy.”
“I know.”
"For a whole host of reasons, too. First of all, being at war with the father of your kid before the kid's even born ain't great. Second, Dax is my VP, Fawn. His dad was my best friend. I've known the boy for my whole life, and unless he's lying to me, he didn't do anything I need to kick his ass for."
“Wait a minute, what do you mean? You talked to him about me? About us?”
Of course, I did. It's part of my job, baby. I have to know what's going on with my men, especially when those men are some of my right-hand men."
“So you had to ask Dax about my personal business?”
“Fawn, this is going to sound harsh to you, harsher than I like to get with my own daughter, but so be it. If this personal business for you, you should’ve kept it out of the club. I asked you plenty of times not to fool around with any of the guys, right?”
“Sure, but this wasn’t just any of the guys, Dad! This is Dax we’re talking about!”
"You're right, it is. And while he may be some kind of special important to you, he's also important to me and to the club. He's been that for longer than he's been anything more than your friend. He was here when you left, Fawn. He never left us, never left our business. I've invested a lot in that boy, and that means I have to keep an eye on things."
“Including my personal life.”
“Like I said, don’t mix your personal life with my club and I won’t have to look into things. But Jesus, Fawn, is this why you came to see me? You want to fight?”
“No, Dad,” I sighed, “it’s not why I came at all. It’s kind of the opposite of why I came.”
“Well, I’m not sure what that means, but it sounds a hell of a lot better than what we’re doing now. What’s going on? What did you need to tell me?”
“Not so much tell you as show you, Dad.”
“Show me, huh? Just tell me what it is, sugar. You’re going to send this old man into a tail spin.”
I'd come to the clubhouse with one express reason in mind but now that the reason had come to hand I was well beyond nervous. I was petrified and as I dug through my purse both of my hands were shaking visibly. If Dad noticed it, he didn't say anything, but I didn't see how he could miss it. As dad's went, he knew me pretty well, better than I knew him, really. All I wanted at that moment was to have an idea of how he was going to react to what I was about to show him. I would have paid good money for that, instead of having to fly totally blind like I was.
“This, Dad. This is what I wanted to show you.”
“What is it? Is it what I think it is? Is that?”
"It's a sonogram. It's your first picture of your grandbaby. It's actually for you if you want it. I know it's not the most impressive first picture. I know it looks like nothing more than a bunch of squiggles and blobs, but it's my baby. It's the club's baby, I guess."
I was rambling, and I knew it. I would probably have just kept on talking if my dad hadn't stopped me with a hug. He crossed the room so quickly I almost didn't see him move and then he had his arms wrapped so tightly around me I almost couldn't breathe. When he finally let me go there were tears in his wizened blue eyes, something I had very rarely seen. Even when my mom died, he hadn't been this visibly emotional and seeing it set me off, too.
“Dad, come on!” I laugh-cried, swiping at my eyes as he took the sonogram from my hand and brought it so close to his face they were almost touching, “You can’t do anything sweet or emotional! You’re going to make me start blubbering like a baby.”
“I’m sorry, sugar, I just can’t believe this. I never thought about what it would be like when you had kids but now that it’s happening? Shit, Fawn! I’m going to be a grandpa!”
“You are. This is really happening.”
“You’ve gotta work out your differences with Dax, sugar. Do it as soon as you can. Do it now.”
“Wait a minute. What? What are you talking about, Dad? This is not
what I wanted to talk to you about! You told me we were done talking about these things. You said your peace.”
“I did, but now I’ve got more to say. This is your baby, Fawn. It’s his baby, too. That’s how things should be, whenever they can be. There’s no reason for the two of you not to be together aside from your own stubbornness.”
“So you’re saying it’s all my fault then?”
“No, I’m saying it’s on both of you, which means it’s on both of you to fix.”
“Right,” I said stonily, “good tip. I think it’s probably best that I go.”
“Fawn, don’t do this. You’re just gonna throw a tantrum with everyone who tells you something you don’t want to hear?”
"Keep the picture, Dad. If you're interested in updates on the pregnancy, I'll give them to you. If not, that's fine too."