by Brook Wilder
“Fawn”!
“I’ve gotta go.”
I should've known better. I should have known that coming to the clubhouse would be a mistake, even if it was to see my dad and not to have anything to do with Dax. That was the thing about the Carolina Devils. They were a club through and through, and my situation with Dax wasn't any different. I should have known my dad wasn't going just to let me handle my business my own way and this mess of a meeting proved it. I should never have come to the clubhouse. My instinct had told me just that, and now I had proof.
“Dax, my man, come on! You gotta talk to somebody, right?”
“Do I?”
“Shit, yes, you do! Every person does and if you can’t talk to your old buddy Micah, who are you gonna talk to?”
Shit! Shit, shit, and double shit! This night, which I would have just sworn couldn't get any worse, was now something I seriously wished I hadn't gotten involved in at all. The only thing I had going for me at this point was the fact that there was a long, dark hallway separating my dad's office and the rec room where Micah and Dax were playing pool. They hadn't been there before, and I hadn't counted on anyone being there now, but they were, and there was no way for me to get around them. The only thing I could do was wait for them to take a break, which meant I had to hear their whole, supposedly private conversation. I didn't even want to hear the sound of his voice, and now here I was, unable to do anything else.
“Micah, really. I don’t need to talk.”
“Bullshit, you don’t. You gotta tell me what happened with Fawn, man. You can’t just gloss over a thing like this with me. We’ve known each other for years. You love her, man. I think we all know you always have.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“So then what, you don’t want to be happy? You don’t want to give shit another shot?”
"I think you must be mistaken, Micah. She's the one who broke it off with me, man. She's the one who said she didn't want me around anymore, not the other way around."
"So then fix it! Life's too short, right? I mean, not to dig my finger into old wounds and shit, but after Lil, I would think you would know that better than anyone."
“It’s because of her, okay? Are you happy now? You want a reason for why I’m not chasing after her, trying to force her to give me another shot, that’s your reason. Lilian died because of me. If she hadn’t been my girl, if she’d been with someone nice and normal, she would still be alive right now. You think I want to put somebody else in that kind of danger?”
“But there’s no way, man,” Micah answered in a low, awestruck voice, “there’s no way we would let that happen to her. Nothing like that is ever going to happen to one of our own again.”
"And if she's not one of our own we don't have to worry about it. The Wild Kids already know that she's Dan's daughter. If they found out we were together, it would only give them more of a reason. I'm not strong enough to have broken things off with her on my own, Micah. If you want to know the fucking truth, if she called me back tomorrow I'd come running. But she's better off without me. She's better off somewhere where I can't get her hurt."
There was more conversation after that, stuff that took a far more light hearted turn, but I didn’t really hear a word of it. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I felt like I was the stupidest girl in all of the world. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized how dense I had been, and how selfish. Here I was, spending all of this time thinking about how Frank left me and my own pain, that I hadn’t ever stopped to think about the pan Dax must have experienced. Now, for the first time, it really hit me. The pain that Dax had been put through, that he must still go through, was a whole other animal than mine. His pain went deeper than I could even begin to imagine.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Dax
“Hey.”
Fawn's voice sounded so small and vulnerable over the phone that I felt sick to my stomach. It was this kind of vulnerability that terrified me about her. It was this, hearing her like this, thinking about her like this, that kept me up at night and made me sure that me and Fawn not being together was the right thing. I didn't sleep anymore, didn't eat right, didn't feel like myself, but it wasn't only about me. It was about her. It was always about her, all of it, and that was the thing I had to keep reminding myself of. It was just that it got harder when she called me like this. Not seeing her or hearing from her had felt like a fucking knife to the heart but hearing from her stripped me of all of my resolve. Nothing had really changed, and now I knew it. I would do anything for her. I would do whatever she asked, and I would do it without asking any questions. Her safety and happiness, and now that of my baby as well, were the only things in the world that really mattered to me. Other than the safety and the solidarity of the Devils, that was, but I couldn't foresee those two interests ever conflicting.
“Hey, Fawn. What’s the matter? Did something happen? Is everything okay with the baby?”
“Of course it is, Dax. Why would you ask me something like that?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t talked to you in more than a week. You made it really clear that you didn’t want me around anymore so getting a phone call out of the blue like this -”
"Oh, God. It made you think there was a problem with the baby. I'm sorry, Dax. That's terrible. I should have handled this better. I should have handled a whole lot of things better."
“Don’t worry about things like that, Fawn. It’s fine. Everything’s fine, as long as you and the baby are okay.”
“We’re okay. We’re both okay. I’m not calling because there’s a problem.”
“But you sound strange.”
“Strange how?”
“I don’t know. I can’t tell if you’re upset or angry or what, but you don’t sound like yourself.”
“I can explain that. I can explain all of it, actually, if you have the time to listen.”
“I’ve got all of the time in the world for that.”
"Good. Oh good, Dax! I can't tell you how much I was hoping you would say that. But I don't want to talk about it over the phone. Would you mind coming over so we can discuss it in person? If it's too much trouble, I totally understand. I wouldn't come over if I were you, not after the way I acted."
“I’ll come. I’ll be right there. Just sit tight, okay? Don’t go anywhere?”
"Don't worry; I won't. I made my dad a promise that I would play by rules moving forward. Part of the rules include not leaving the condo without my bodyguard."
“Good. At least one of us was able to get you to behave.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. I’ll see you in a little bit, okay? Right?”
“That’s right, you will.”
I left everything, not that I had much of anything going on, and hopped on my bike, speeding the whole time and racking my brains for what the hell could have caused Fawn to do such a complete one-eighty. I had all kinds of nasty shit playing out in my head, even coming up with scenarios where the Wild Kids were in her condo and holding a gun to her head to make her call me to come and see her. By the time I got to her place, I was ready to kung fu kick my way through a hundred enemies to get to her and make sure she was safe. I was so primed and ready that when I knocked on her door and saw that she was the one opening it, I was convinced there would be somebody in the place behind her.
“What are you looking for, Dax?”
“What do you mean? I’m not looking for anything.”
“Really? Because you could have fooled me. Were you expecting somebody other than me to be here?”
“No, definitely not. You’re the only one I wanted to see.”
"Oh?" She asked coyly, that familiar flirtatious smile playing across her lips and making my heart jump out of my chest, "Well that's not a bad thing to hear. In fact, that's exactly what every girl wants to hear. That they're the only one a man wants to see."
"I'm glad I could be of service." She blushed when I said that and tucked her hai
r behind her ear, a move she'd been making since we were young, and stepped aside so that I could come inside. I had been inside of her condo plenty of times at this point, but that didn't stop me from being nervous to do it this time. It felt like I was trespassing like I was doing something I shouldn't be even though she was the one who'd asked me to come in the first place. The only thing that made it any better was her looking just as nervous as I felt. She kept walking from one part of the condo to the next, running her hands over her things and then moving on only to revisit them a minute later. I finally had to reach out and grab her to keep her still. I placed my hands on each of her shoulders to keep her in place, looking into her eyes until she looked down.
“Do you want me to go?”
“What? Why?! Why would I want that?”
“I don’t know, Fawn. You seem pretty uncomfortable having me here. Maybe it would be better if I went. We could talk about whatever you needed to get off your chest on the phone. You seemed more comfortable with that.”
“No!”
“Are you sure?” I laughed, “Because you’re using that kind of high pitched screechy voice you usually get when you’re too stressed about something.”
"I am stressed. I'm not going to lie about that, but I don't want you to go. That would only make things much, much worse. I have some things I need to say, and I want to say them face to face."
“Okay. We can do that.”
“Would you be okay with sitting on the couch?”
"Sure, Fawn, of course, I would. Whatever you want."
“Good,” she practically raced to the couch, collapsing onto it like the most exhausted person in the world and patting the cushion next to her, “I was hoping you would say that. I have some news I want to share with you.”
"News, huh? Well, the last time I got news from you it was that you were carrying my baby. I don't see how you're going to top that, but I promise I'll try to look interested."
“It’s about my condo, actually.”
“Um, okay,” I answered as nonchalantly as possible, no idea what she was trying to get at, “What about it?”
“You know I’ve just been renting it, right?”
“Yeah, I guess I knew that.”
“Well, I don’t think I’m going to rent it anymore.”
"Is that right?" My stomach sank, the bile rising in my throat. So she was planning on moving. She was cutting ties, running back to some other place where she didn't have to think about the Devils or me, either. It was probably the best decision for her, but that didn't mean it didn't suck for me. It sucked so badly I didn't even know what to say. I just sat there, feeling like the biggest chump in the world.
"It is. I'm thinking I'm going to buy it."
“Buy it? I don’t get it. Does that mean you’re planning on staying?”
“Um, yeah. Is that okay?”
“It’s more than okay. I thought you were about to tell me you were skipping town.”
“No, it’s kind of the opposite of that, actually. Do you remember how we were talking about you maybe renting a condo in this same complex someday? So that you could be close to me and the baby?”
"Of course I do. Don't forget, Fawn; it was only recently that you kicked me to the curb."
“Right, see, this is about that, too. I was kind of hoping I could take that back. I want to unkick you to the curb. I was an idiot for doing that. I was so freaked out that I did all the wrong things, just like I always do. It’s probably too late. I don’t know if it is, but probably. I just can’t care about that. All I care about is taking the only chance I know how to.”
“What chance, Fawn? What do you want?”
"I want you not to rent a condo in the same complex. You won't need one because I want you to move in with me. I want us to be a family, Dax. This baby is going to come sooner than either of us realize and I don't want us to be fractured when it does. There are too many of those kinds of families. I don't want this to be another one. I want us to be a family, and I don't care what that family looks like. I don't care about marriage. I know I said I did but I don't."
“Fawn.”
"No, please! I know it may sound crazy after the way I acted, but I mean it. I don't care if we never get married, just so long as we're together. I want us to be together, Dax, whatever that looks like. Because I love you. God help me, I love you, and I want to say that even if you don't feel the same way."
She was crying, although she didn't realize it, and I reached out and wiped her tears away with one thumb. This was it. This was the moment when I needed to walk away if that was what I was going to do. It would be the easy thing to do, the path of least resistance. It would be the way of self-preservation, which was something I had gotten really good at since the horror with Lilian. It would have been the smart play, and it was the last thing on the planet I wanted to do.
"Dax? I know it's a lot. I know it's probably too late and I'm so, so sorry. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut. Maybe I should have just let it go, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't just sit back and do nothing, not when I could still give this a fighting chance."
“Hey, Fawn?”
“Yes?”
“Did anyone ever tell you that you talk too much?”
“Yes, actually, many times. I believe you’ve said it on more than one occasion.”
“Because it’s true. Is it my turn to talk now?”
“Sure, you can talk. Just go easy on me, okay? I feel like pregnant people should get let down easy.”
“Who says I’m letting you down?”
"Then you're not? What are you saying?"
“I’m saying I love you, too, you crazy girl. I’ve loved you for my whole damn life.”
There had been many, many hard weeks in my life. Hard months, hard years. I had gone through times so black I knew they weren't ever going to get better but this last week spent in limbo with Fawn had been one of the worst waves I'd ever ridden. Part of me had never gotten over her leaving us all behind, but it had been something I could ignore when it had been years and years of time we were dealing with. After seeing her, though, after feeling her skin under my fingertips, it was different. It was like having a ghost walking next to me every step I took. Not having her was something I wasn't strong enough to do unless she didn't want me and now that I knew she did, I was a goner. I loved her, loved her more than anything and as long as she wanted me by her side, that was exactly where I was going to be.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Fawn
“Jesus! Next time I decide to move in with a pregnant chick, remind me to get some paid help! This was a lot of shit to get take care of all on my own.”
“Next time, huh? You planning on moving in with a whole lot of different pregnant women? Because if so, you should probably let me know. You know, so I can chain you to a chair or something.”
“No, babe, not even close. One pregnant person is enough for me.”
“Good, glad to hear it. I don’t really want to have to start murdering people. Don’t really think it would suit me,”
“That’s something we can agree on. Now, tell me, lovely woman of mine, are you sure you’re up to this?”
Dax, who was all sweaty from moving the rest of his boxes inside and getting them all unpacked, threw himself down on the couch next to me and then kept on sliding. Pretty soon he was right on top of me, his strong arms on either side of my face and his hair hanging down so that it felt like there were only him and me in the world. Instantaneously I felt my insides turn to mush and my legs begin to part as if of their own accord. It was amazing how quickly he could turn me on, every time he got anywhere near me. There would never be a time when I would tell him no. I couldn't even imagine there coming a time when I told him I had a headache or was just plain too tired. God, I loved this man, loved him with every inch of who I was.
“Am I up for this?” I asked breathlessly, arching my back a little to come up to meet his chest, “Because if that’s what you
’re asking the answer is always yes.”
"No, babe, unfortunately, that's not what I'm talking about. I was more referring to this baby shower thing. You sure you wanna do this?"
“Dax! Are you kidding me? Get off of me, come on, get off!”
“What?” He laughed, his fake innocent face something much less than convincing, “I’m not doing anything.”
"Oooh yes, you are, and don't try to pretend you aren't."
“Well if I am, you can’t exactly blame me, can you? Having you around is like a constant tease. You’re a distraction, so basically it’s your fault.”
“Ugh! No way, Dax. And if what you mean by ‘am I ready’ is am I ready for the baby shower then the answer is yes. You know how much work they all put into this! And besides, don’t you want to know the gender of the baby?”