Witches Abroad

by Terry Pratchett

Page 17

 

  Afterwards, Nanny suggested that they walk for a while. It was a nice day, she said. This was an interesting kind of forest, she said, with lots of new herbs which could do with bein looked at. Everyoned feel better for a stroll in the sunshine, she said. Itd improve their tempers.

  And it was, indeed, a nice forest. After half an hour or so, even Granny Weatherwax was prepared to admit that in certain respects it wasnt totally foreign and shoddy. Magrat wandered off the path occasionally, picking flowers. Nanny even sang a few verses of A Wizards Staff Has A Knob On The End with no more than a couple of token protests from the other two.

  But there was still something wrong. Nanny Ogg and Magrat could feel something between them and Granny Weatherwax, some sort of mental wall, something important deliberately hidden and unsaid. Witches usually had few secrets from one another, if only because they were all so nosy that there was never any chance to have secrets. It was worrying.

  And then they turned a corner by a stand of huge oak trees and met the little girl in the red cloak.

  She was skipping along in the middle of the path, singing a song that was simpler and a good deal cleaner than any in Nanny Oggs repertoire. She didnt see the witches until she was almost on top of them. She stopped, and then smiled innocently.

  Hello, old women, she said.

  Ahem, said Magrat.

  Granny Weatherwax bent down.

  Whatre you doing out in the forest all by yourself, young lady?

  Im taking this basket of goodies to my granny, said the girl.

  Granny straightened up, a faraway look in her eyes.

  Esme, said Nanny Ogg urgently.

  I know. I know, said Granny.

  Magrat leaned down and set her face in the idiot grimace generally used by adults whod love to be good with children and dont stand a dogs chance of ever achieving it. Er. Tell me, Miss . . . did your mother tell you to watch out for any bad wolves that might happen to be in the vicinity?

  Thats right.

  And your granny . . . said Nanny Ogg. I guess shes a bit bed-bound at the moment, right?

  Thats why Im taking her this basket of goodies - the child began.

  Thought so.

  Do you know my granny? said the child.

  Ye-ess, said Granny Weatherwax. In a way.

  It happened over Skund way when I was a girl, said Nanny Ogg quietly. They never even found the gran -

  And where is your grannys cottage, little girl? said Granny Weatherwax loudly, nudging Nanny sharply in the ribs.

  The girl pointed up a side track.

  Youre not the wicked witch, are you? she said.

  Nanny Ogg coughed.

  Me? No. Were - were - Granny began.

  Fairies, said Magrat.

  Granny Weatherwaxs mouth dropped open. Such an explanation would never have occurred to her.

  Only my mummy warned me about the wicked witch too, said the girl. She gave Magrat a sharp look. What kind of fairies?

  Er. Flower fairies? said Magrat. Look, Ive got a wand -

  Which ones?

  What?

  Which flowers?

  I2O

  Er, said Magrat. Well. Im . . . Fairy Tulip and thats . . . " she avoided looking directly at Granny, . . . Fairy . . . Daisy . . . and this is . . .

  Fairy Hedgehog, said Nanny Ogg.

  This addition to the supernatural pantheon was given duc consideration.

  You cant be Fairy Hedgehog, said the child, after some thought. A hedgehogs not a flower.

  How do you know?

  Cos its got spikes.

  Sos holly. And thistles.

  Oh.

  And Ive got a wand, said Magrat. Only now did she risk a look at Fairy Daisy.

  We ought to be getting along, said Granny Weather-wax. You just stay here with Fairy Tulip, I think it was, and well just go and make sure your grannys all right. All right?

  I bet its not a real wand, said the child, ignoring her and facing Magrat with a childs unerring ability to find a weak link in any chain. I bet it cant turn things into things.

  Well - Magrat began.

  I bet, said the girl, I bet you cant turn that tree stump over there into . . . into . . . into a pumpkin. Haha, bet you anything you cant. Bet you a trillion dollars you cant turn that stump into a pumpkin.

  I can see the two of you are going to get along fine, said Fairy Hedgehog. We wont be long.

  Two broomsticks skimmed low above the forest path.

  Could just be coincidence, said Nanny Ogg.

  Taint, said Granny. "The child even has a red cloak on!

  I had a red cloak when I was fifteen, said Nanny.

  Yes, but your granny lived next door. You didnt have to worry about wolves when you visited her, said Granny.

  Except old Sumpkins the lodger.

  Yes, but that was just coincidence.

  A trail of blue smoke drifted among the trees ahead of them. Somewhere away to one side there was the sound of a falling tree.

  Woodcutters! said Nanny. Its all right if theres woodcutters! One of them rushes in -

  Thats only what children get told, said Granny, as they sped onwards. Anyway, thats no good to the grandmother, is it? Shes already been et!

  I always hated that story, said Nanny. No-one ever cares what happens to poor defenceless old women.

  The path vanished abruptly on the edge of a glade. Hemmed in by the trees was a straggly kitchen garden, in which a few pathetic stalks fought for what little sun there was. In the middle of the garden was what had to be a thatched cottage because no-one would build a haystack that badly.

  They leapt off the broomsticks, leaving them to drift to a halt in the bushes, and hammered on the cottage door.

  We could be too late, said Nanny. The wolf might -

  After a while there was the muffled sound of someone shuffling across the floor within, and then the door opened a crack. A suspicious eye was visible in the gloom.

  Yes? said a small and quavering voice from somewhere beneath the eye.

  Are you grandmother? Granny Weatherwax demanded.

  Are you the taxgatherers, dear?

  No, maam, were -

  - fairies, said Fairy Hedgehog quickly.

  I dont open the door to people I dont know, dear, said the voice, and then it took on a slightly petulant tone. Specially people who never does the washing up even after I leaves out a bowl of nearly fresh milk for em.

  Wed like to talk to you for a few minutes, said Fairy Daisy.

  Yes? Have you got any identification, dear?

  I know weve got the right grandmother, said Fairy Hedgehog. Theres a family likeness. Shes got big ears.

  Look, its not her thats got the big ears, snapped Fairy Daisy. Itll be the wolf thats got big ears. Thats the whole point. Dont you ever pay attention?

  The grandmother watched them with interest. After a lifetime of believing in them she was seeing fairies for the first time, and it was an experience. Granny Weatherwax caught her perplexed expression.

  Put it like this, maam, she said, in a despotically reasonable tone of voice, how would you like to be eaten alive by a wolf?

  I dont think I would like that, dear, no, said the hidden grandmother.

  The alternatives us, said Granny.

  Lawks. Are you sure?

  On our word as fairies, said Fairy Hedgehog.

  Well. Really? All right. You can come in. But none of your tricks. And mind you do the washing up. You havent got a pot of gold about you, have you?

  "Thats pixies, isnt it?

  No, theyre the ones in wells. Its goblins she means. "

  Dont be daft. Theyre the ones you get under bridges.

  Thats trolls. Everyone knows thats trolls.

  Not us, anyway.

  Oh, said the grandmother. I might have known.

  Magrat liked to think she was good with children, and worried that she wasnt. S
he didnt like them very much, and worried about this too. Nanny Ogg seemed to be effortlessly good with children by alternately and randomly giving them either a sweet or a thick ear, while Granny Weatherwax ignored them for most of the time and that seemed to work just as well. Whereas Magrat cared. It didnt seem fair.

  Bet you a million trillion zillion dollars you cant turn that bush into a pumpkin, said the child.

  But, look, all the others got turned into pumpkins, Magrat pointed out.

  Its bound not to work sooner or later, said the child placidly.

  Magrat looked helplessly at the wand. Shed tried everything- wishing, sub-vocalizing and even, when shed thought the other witches were out of earshot, banging it against things and shouting, Anything but pumpkins!

  You dont know how to do it really, do you, stated the child.

  Tell me, said Magrat, you said your mummy knows about the big bad wolf in the woods, didnt you?

  Thats right.

  But nevertheless she sent you out by yourself to take those goodies to your granny?

  "Thats right. Why?

  Nothing. Just thinking. And you owe me a million trillion zillion squillion dollars.

  Theres a certain freemasonry about grandmothers, with the added benefit that no-one has to stand on one leg or recite any oaths in order to join. Once inside the cottage, and with a kettle on the boil, Nanny Ogg was quite at home. Greebo stretched out in front of the meagre fire and dozed off as the witches tried to explain.

  I dont see how a wolf can get in here, dear, said the grandmother kindly. I mean, theyre wolves. They cant open doors.

  Granny Weatherwax twitched aside a rag of curtain and glared out at the clearing.

  We know, she said.

  Nanny Ogg nodded towards the little bed in an alcove by the fireplace.

  Is that where you always sleep? she said.

  When Im feeling poorly, dear. Other times I sleeps in the attic.

  I should get along up there now, if I was you. And take my cat up with you, will you? We dont want him getting in the way.

  Is this the bit where you clean the house and do all the washing for a saucer of milk? said the grandmother hopefully.

  Could be. You never know.

  Funny, dear. I was expecting you to be shorter -

  We get out in the fresh air a lot, said Nanny. Off you go now.

  That left the two of them. Granny Weatherwax looked around the cave-like room. The rushes on the floor were well on the way to composthood. Soot encrusted the cobwebs on the ceiling.

  The only way housework could be done in this place was with a shovel or, for preference, a match.

  Funny, really, said Nanny, when the old woman had climbed the rickety stairs. Shes youngern me. Mind you, I take exercise.

  You never took exercise in your life, said Granny Weatherwax, still watching the bushes. You never did anything you didnt want to do.

  Thats what I mean, said Nanny happily. Look, Esme, I still say this could all be just -

  It aint! I can feel the story. Someones been making stories happen in these parts, I know it.

  And you know who, too. Dont you, Esme? said Nanny slyly.

  She saw Granny look around wildly at the grubby walls.

  I reckon shes too poor to afford a mirror, said Nanny. I aint blind, Esme. And I know mirrors and fairy godmothers go together. So whats going on?

  I aint saying. I dont want to look a fool if Im wrong. Im not going to - theres something coming!

  Nanny Ogg pressed her nose against the dirty window.

  Cant see anything.

  "The bushes moved. Get into the bed!

  Me? I thought it was you who was going into the bed!

  Cant imagine why youd think that.

  No. Come to think of it, neither can I, said Nanny wearily. She picked up the floppy mob-cap from the bedpost, put it on, and slid under the patchwork quilt.